Procrastination is more common than some might think. In fact, according to an article by Forbes senior contributor Bryan Robinson, more than 78 percent of working people procrastinate even though “it makes them anxious.” Some think it’s due to laziness, while others believe the anxiety itself creates a loop: they’re too anxious to get a task done, but not getting it done makes them even more anxious.
However, one theory behind why people procrastinate turns the whole “laziness” argument on its head.
Dr. Rick Hanson, a psychologist, shares a fascinating idea. In a comment attached to a clip posted on Instagram, he offers an entirely different view: “Procrastination is rarely about laziness or poor time management. It is more often something much more subtle. If I finish this, then what? If the pile disappears, who am I without it?”
He explains how having something that still needs to be tackled can feel like “proof” that we matter.
“Unfinished tasks can start to feel like proof that we’re busy, needed, in motion. They create a kind of background hum of identity. As long as something is pending, we’re still becoming. Still almost there.”
The fear of not existing
In the video, Hanson says people procrastinate “even when there are no obstructions to completing something, because sometimes they’re kind of afraid, almost at a deep level, that if they complete things, they’ll disappear. There will be almost no more basis for being. It’s the incomplete cycles in their life—the unfinished tasks, the various piles here or there—that almost give them a sense of psychological substance and existence.”
Hanson has ways to address this, and the first is to truly examine your motivations (or seemingly lack thereof).
“Look closely and ask yourself, ‘Is this really true? Do I go on existing because I have a number of undone tasks that I’m going to get to tomorrow or eventually? Is that why I keep on existing?’ Well, no. And notice the ways you can go on being. Or you have others you know who complete a lot of things, and they continue to exist just fine and really, quite happily.”
He says we must rewrite our inner monologue.
“Gradually realize for yourself, ‘Oh, I can complete these various tasks. And they then disappear from my life, understandably. I took care of it. And I’m still here, having a good time. And getting ready to accomplish the next important thing.’”
Upworthy spoke with Cort M. Dorn-Medeiros, a professional counselor and addiction specialist, who first noted that there are many real reasons people might procrastinate.
“Fear of failure, doubts about self-worth, perfectionist tendencies, emotional avoidance, and potential diagnoses such as attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).”
That said, he does give credence to Hanson’s idea as well.
“We have strong cultural messaging that if we are not doing something, if we are not being productive, then we are not useful. All of our human value lies in the ‘doing’ rather than the ‘being.’ A lot of this is derived from Internet-based hustle culture, where speed is prioritized above all else. Do more, make more money, and do it faster and faster.
If we are left with nothing to do, then we are left sitting with our own thoughts and feelings. Procrastination is a good way to unconsciously avoid sitting with our feelings. If we are constantly focused on our to-do list and maintain it in a way that prevents progress by crossing things off, we manage our anxiety about ‘being’ rather than ‘doing.’”
Matthew Baker, LCSW, tells Upworthy it’s all about avoidance.
“Procrastination is almost always about avoiding something uncomfortable. For some people, finishing a project is what becomes the problem, not starting it. This is often because the brain gets rewarded from simply planning and organizing, even without actually doing anything. So some people avoid completing tasks because they’re already getting a sense of satisfaction from planning, and finishing means that this dopamine stream just…stops.”
In a small village in Pwani, a district on Tanzania’s coast, a massive dance party is coming to a close. For the past two hours, locals have paraded through the village streets, singing and beating ngombe drums; now, in a large clearing, a woman named Sheilla motions for everyone to sit facing a large projector screen. A film premiere is about to begin.
It’s an unusual way to kick off a film about gender bias, inequality, early marriage, and other barriers that prevent girls from accessing education in Tanzania. But in Pwani and beyond, local organizations supported by Malala Fund and funded by Pura are finding creative, culturally relevant ways like this one to capture people’s interest.
The film ends and Sheilla, the Communications and Partnership Lead for Media for Development and Advocacy (MEDEA), stands in front of the crowd once again, asking the audience to reflect: What did you think about the film? How did it relate to your own experience? What can we learn?
Sheilla explains that, once the community sees the film, “It brings out conversations within themselves, reflective conversations.” The resonance and immediate action create a ripple effect of change.
MEDEA Screening Audience in Tanzania. Captured by James Roh for Pura
Across Tanzania, gender-based violence often forces adolescent girls out of the classroom. This and other barriers — including child marriage, poverty, conflict, and discrimination — prevent girls from completing their education around the world.
Sheilla and her team are using film and radio programs to address the challenges girls face in their communities. MEDEA’s ultimate goal is to affirm education as a fundamental right for everyone, and to ensure that every member of a community understands how girls’ education contributes to a stronger whole and how to be an ally for their sisters, daughters, granddaughters, friends, nieces, and girlfriends.
Sheilla’s story is one of many that inspired Heart on Fire, a new fragrance from the Pura x Malala Fund Collection that blends the warm, earthy spices of Tanzania with a playful, joyful twist. Here’s how Pura is using scent as a tool to connect the world and inspire action.
A partnership focused on local impact, on a global mission
Pura, a fragrance company that recognizes education as both freedom and a human right, has partnered with Malala Fund since 2022. In order to defend every girl’s right to access and complete 12 years of education, Malala Fund partners with local organizations in countries where the educational barriers are the greatest. They invest in locally-led solutions because they know that those who are closest to the problems are best equipped to solve and build durable solutions, like MEDEA, which works with communities to challenge discrimination against girls and change beliefs about their education.
But local initiatives can thrive and scale more powerfully with global support, which is why Pura is using their own superpower, the power of scent, to connect people around the world with the women and girls in these local communities.
The Pura x Malala Fund Collection incorporates ingredients naturally found in Tanzania, Nigeria, Pakistan, and Brazil: countries where Malala Fund operates to address systemic education barriers. Eight percent of net revenue from the Pura x Malala Fund Collection will be donated to Malala Fund directly, but beyond financial support, the Collection is also a love letter to each unique community, blending notes like lemon, jasmine, cedarwood, and clove to transport people, ignite their senses, and help them draw inspiration and hope from the global movement for girls’ education. Through scent, people can connect to the courage, joy, and tenacity of girls and local leaders, all while uniting in a shared commitment to education: the belief that supporting girls’ rights in one community benefits all of us, everywhere.
You’ve already met Sheilla. Now see how Naiara and Mama Habiba are building unique solutions to ensure every girl can learn freely and dare to dream.
Naiara Leite is reimagining what’s possible in Brazil
Julia with Odara in Brazil. Captured by Luisa Dorr for Pura
In Brazil, where pear trees and coconut plantations cover the Northeastern Coast, girls like ten-year-old Julia experience a different kind of educational barrier than girls in Tanzania. Too often, racial discrimination contributes to high dropout rates among Black, quilombola and Indigenous girls in the country.
“In the logic of Brazilian society, Black people don’t need to study,” says Naiara Leite, Executive Coordinator of Odara, a women-led organization and Malala Fund partner. Bahia, the state where Odara is based, was once one of the largest slave-receiving territories in the Americas, and because of that history, deeply-ingrained, anti-Black prejudice is still widespread. “Our role and the image constructed around us is one of manual labor,” Naiara says.
But education can change that. In 2020, with assistance from a Malala Fund grant, Odara launched its first initiative for improving school completion rates among Black, quilombola, and Indigenous girls: “Ayomidê Odara”. The young girls mentored under the program, including Julia, are known as the Ayomidês. And like the Pura x Malala Fund Collection’s Brazil: Breath of Courage scent, the Ayomidês are fierce, determined, and bursting with energy.
Ayomidês with Odara in Brazil. Captured by Luisa Dorr for Pura
Ayomidês take part in weekly educational sessions where they explore subjects like education and ethnic-racial relations. The girls are encouraged to find their own voices by producing Instagram lives, social media videos, and by participating in public panels. Already, the Ayomidês are rewriting the narrative on what’s possible for Afro-Brazilian girls to achieve. One of the earliest Ayomidês, a young woman named Debora, is now a communications intern. Another former Ayomidê, Francine, works at UNICEF, helping train the next generation of adolescent leaders. And Julia has already set her sights on becoming a math teacher or a model.
“These are generations of Black women who did not have access to a school,” Naiara says. “These are generations of Black women robbed daily of their dreams. And we’re telling them that they could be the generation in their family to write a new story.”
Mama Habiba is reframing the conversation in Nigeria
Centre for Girls' Education, Nigeria. Captured by James Roh for Pura
In Mama Habiba’s home country of Nigeria, the scents of starfruit, ylang ylang and pineapple, all incorporated into the Pura x Malala Collection’s “Nigeria: Hope for Tomorrow,” can be found throughout the vibrant markets. Like these native scents, Mama Habiba says that the Nigerian girls are also bright and passionate, but too often they are forced to leave school long before their potential fully blooms.
“Some of these schools are very far, and there is an issue of quality, too,” Mama Habiba says. “Most parents find out when their children are in school, the girls are not learning. So why allow them to continue?”
When girls drop out of secondary school, marriage is often the alternative. In Nigeria, one in three girls is married before the age of 18. When this happens, girls are unable to fulfill their potential, and their families and communities lose out on the social, health and economic benefits.
Completing secondary school delays marriage, and according to UNESCO, educated girls become women who raise healthier children, lift their families out of poverty and contribute to more peaceful, resilient communities.
Centre for Girls’ Education, Nigeria. Captured by James Roh for Pura
To encourage young girls to stay in school, the Centre for Girls’ Education, a nonprofit in Nigeria founded by Mama Habiba and supported by Malala Fund and Pura, has pioneered an initiative that’s similar to the Ayomidê workshops in Brazil: safe spaces. Here, girls meet regularly to learn literacy, numeracy, and other issues like reproductive health. These safe spaces also provide an opportunity for the girls to role-play and learn to advocate for themselves, develop their self-image, and practice conversations with others about their values, education being one of them. In safe spaces, Mama Habiba says, girls start to understand “who she is, and that she is a girl who has value. She has the right to negotiate with her parents on what she really feels or wants.”
“When girls are educated, they can unlock so many opportunities,” Mama Habiba says. “It will help the economy of the country. It will boost so many opportunities for the country. If they are given the opportunity, I think the sky is not the limit. It is the starting point for every girl.”
From parades, film screenings to safe spaces and educational programs, girls and local leaders are working hard to strengthen the quality, safety and accessibility of education and overcome systemic challenges. They are encouraging courageous behavior and reminding us all that education is freedom.
Experience the Pura x Malala Fund Collection here, and connect with the stories of real girls leading change across the globe.
First impressions mean a lot. When you meet someone new, you’re probably trying to get a feel for who they are—and whether they’re trustworthy. It all comes down to noticing behaviors.
Human behavior expert Chase Hughes explains how to read someone instantly. “Everyone wears some kind of a mask…a persona that I put onto the world,” he says in a YouTube video.
Getting underneath that mask is what truly reveals who someone is and what they’re all about. Hughes explains that people build these masks to conceal shame.
The #1 question to instantly read someone
According to Hughes, there is one important question to keep in mind when trying to read someone: “What does this person want me to feel about them, and what do they want me to notice?”
Hughes notes that this is the beginning of understanding why someone builds a mask based on shame.
“Shame is ‘I shouldn’t have done that. I’m a bad person for doing that. I need to hide it,’” he shares, explaining that shame holds power in today’s culture because it has been institutionalized as a “public weapon.”
The power of shame
Shame creates cognitive dissonance, which Hughes notes is mental discomfort. “Mental discomfort says, ‘I don’t want to be this uncomfortable in front of people.’ That creates a mask,” he says.
Understanding that most people wear a mask—a persona they present to the world—is key. From there, the task is determining how “thick” or “thin” that mask is and what it’s made of.
“If I’m seeing somebody who’s acting like he’s posturing all the time—he’s yelling, he’s puffing his chest out—the mask is usually the opposite of what it’s concealing,” says Hughes. “So I’m seeing a fearful little boy.”
Bumper-sticker alliteration
Hughes gives another example of how to read someone’s mask by comparing it to a car covered in bumper stickers. He tells a story about pulling up behind a car with various bumper stickers that signal aspects of the driver’s identity, from “I Did Yosemite” to marathon stickers to ones that say “I Go Fishing.”
He asks his kids what the stickers say about the driver, and his daughter replies that the person is adventurous. Hughes then asks what else it might mean, and she says it means the person can be trusted and would make a good friend. Hughes then gets to the point: if someone is a good friend, it means they need friends. In other words, that person is lonely.
“The better you get at understanding humans, the more that you’re going to see loneliness, shame, and suffering,” says Hughes. “The way that I deal with loneliness, conceal shame, and anesthetize myself from suffering equals human behavior.”
Reading for self-control
Finally, Hughes notes that another thing to look for when reading a person is their level of self-control, which comes down to whether they are disciplined or not.
To spot it, Hughes says that even if someone is a stranger, they will appear “more predictable in a good way. They’re more likely to be trustworthy because they already discipline themselves. They have self-control.”
He notes that this is important in many areas where relationships matter, including business. If someone lacks self-control, Hughes says he tends to be more cautious around them.
People who choose to be childfree are often the subject of negative stereotypes. They are sometimes called “selfish” because they do not want to dedicate their lives to raising someone else. They may also be described as “cold” or too career-oriented.
People who push them to reconsider (their in-laws, for example) often use scare tactics to get them to reproduce, such as: “Who will take care of you when you get old?”, “Your partner will leave you for someone who wants children,” or “When it’s too late, you’re going to regret your decision.”
To put it simply, childfree people are often portrayed in a negative light. However, a recent study found that an amazingly positive trait lies at the root of choosing to be childfree: openness to experience.
The big takeaway from the study is that the underlying personality trait among childfree people is not selfishness. Instead, they tend to have a strong curiosity about the world, which makes them more likely to travel, explore new ideas, and pursue short-term romantic relationships. Many childfree people want to live a carefree life of adventure and growth. Setting that aside for more traditional pursuits, such as raising children, may feel like too great a sacrifice.
The American Psychological Association defines openness to experience as “a dimension of personality characterized by imagination, creativity, intellectual curiosity, and a preference for novelty and variety.”
Jeffrey Davis, a writer at Psychology Today, calls it “the drive to explore novel aspects of human experience and the willingness to consider perspectives different than your own.”
People high on Openness to Experience have lower reproductive success. Previous research has indicated that individuals with higher levels of the personality trait Openness to Experience tend to have fewer children. Openness to Experience encompasses traits like…
To study how openness to experience affects reproduction, Aleksandra Milić, a graduate student at the University of Pavia, and Janko Međedović, a professor at the Institute of Criminological and Sociological Research in Belgrade, surveyed 1,024 people online, with an average age of 32.3 years. The survey asked whether participants had any children and, if not, at what age they intended to have them. It also asked how many sexual partners they had and how long their longest romantic relationship had lasted.
People who are open to experience have fewer children
“The main takeaway from our findings is that, in our sample, people higher in Openness to Experience tended to have fewer children,” Milić told PsyPost. “Higher Openness was associated with later entry into parenthood, shorter romantic relationships, and less positive motivation to have children, all of which were linked to fewer children.”
The decision to have children can be difficult, especially for women, because the biological window is relatively short and few people want to enter their 50s with regrets. In addition, there is a significant amount of societal pressure and judgment placed on women who choose not to have children.
The good news is that, for those who feel guilty or pressured into having children because they do not want to be seen as selfish, research suggests that selfishness is not the reason at all. Instead, it may simply be that the world is so big, beautiful, and full of opportunities that it would be a waste of a lifetime not to experience as much of it as possible.
We’re all familiar with the feeling of being “trapped” in a conversation. It might be because the other person won’t stop talking long enough for you to get a word in edgewise. Or maybe the topic of conversation just bores us. Worse, perhaps it makes us uncomfortable, and we can’t figure out a good way to change the subject without coming off as rude.
A massive debate on this topic recently unfolded on X. Some users argued that a good conversation should always be interesting and engaging to all parties, while others maintained that showing genuine interest in what others have to say (even if it doesn’t really interest you) is a key element of socializing.
It’s possible that both sides are right. Experts say changing the subject doesn’t have to be curt or selfish.
In fact, a great conversationalist understands that artfully pivoting is the key to maintaining an interaction that’s enjoyable for both parties. The key is understanding both when it’s time to “smile and nod,” and when and how to steer the conversation in a new direction.
Why it feels scary or hard to change the subject
Changing the subject can be harder for some people than for others. Photo credit: Canva
Dr. Kelly Gonderman, a clinical director and licensed clinical psychologist at We Conquer Together, tells Upworthy that changing the subject is one of the social skills her clients struggle with most.
“In my clinical work, the inability to redirect a conversation is rarely about rudeness or poor communication. It’s almost always about anxiety, people-pleasing, or a fear of conflict rooted in early relational experiences,” she says. “The nervous system registers social disapproval as threat, which means steering away from a painful or triggering topic can feel physiologically dangerous even when it’s entirely reasonable.”
Unfortunately, people who have difficulty setting boundaries in conversation may also struggle to maintain boundaries in other areas of their lives.
“They’ve learned that their discomfort is less important than keeping others comfortable,” she says.
Experts give tips and scripts for how to tactfully change the subject
One user on X sparked debate when they suggested a rather blunt and direct shifting of gears: “I’m sorry, it’s not really my thing, I don’t understand the importance of this and I can’t contribute to the conversation.”
It’s a fair and reasonable boundary to hold, but it’s likely to alienate or deflate your conversation partner because it’s missing a few key elements of a great pivot.
Amy Arias, senior lecturer of communications studies at the University of Nevada, Reno, tells Upworthy: “The key to changing the subject tactfully is to acknowledge what the person said before redirecting. People mainly want to feel heard, and once that happens, most conversations can move on naturally.”
Here are a few scripts to try out:
“That’s a good point. It actually reminds me…”
“I hear what you’re saying. Speaking of that…”
“That sounds intense. On a lighter note…”
In each of these instances, you’ve acknowledged the speaker and what they were saying in a positive way before attempting to move the conversation into new territory.
You could also try using humor to deflect the tension around your attempted pivot, with a segue that’s so jarring your conversation partner can’t help but laugh: “Speaking of politics, who’s hungry?”
Arias adds that, no, a good conversation doesn’t always have to be interesting or engaging for both parties all the time. It’s more about reciprocity and making sure each person gets a turn to be heard.
“Good conversation is more about reciprocity and turn-taking than constant fascination,” Arias says. “In healthy conversations, people take turns being the storyteller and the listener, but it’s also okay to redirect when a topic feels draining, awkward, or just not a great fit.”
“Ultimately, changing the subject gracefully is really about reading the room and protecting the flow of the interaction,” she adds. “A thoughtful topic shift isn’t rude, it’s often what keeps conversations comfortable, inclusive, and enjoyable for everyone.”
Why being a great conversationalist goes beyond the script
Gonderman says that, though having a few canned lines up your sleeve can help, being able to confidently redirect a conversation may require deeper work.
“The fix isn’t a script,” she says. “It’s building enough internal safety to trust that your need to redirect is valid.”
That could require something as simple as some breathwork or grounding techniques, or more advanced interventions like therapy to get to the root issues of your social anxiety.
There are a lot of reasons you might not be comfortable continuing a given line of conversation. It could be political, too personal, too taboo, or just plain uninteresting to you. It takes a person who’s quite sure of themselves to use a brief, direct pivot like “I want to shift gears,” “On a different note …,” or even “I’d rather not get into that right now.”
It’s best to acknowledge and make the other person feel heard before pivoting, but some people, well, just won’t take a hint. That’s when more direct methods might be called for.
Human conversations are an incredibly intricate dance. They’re an exchange of information, a building block of relationships, and an emotional back-and-forth all rolled into one. The finer aspects of navigating them tactfully don’t always come naturally to us and sometimes require preparation and practice.
Voltaire was an 18th-century French philosopher, writer, and one of the most important voices of the Enlightenment. His works challenged authoritarianism and championed freedom of religion and speech. His beliefs in civil liberties and individualism inspired American revolutionaries such as Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, helping shape the ideals behind the Declaration of Independence. Julian…
Voltaire was an 18th-century French philosopher, writer, and one of the most important voices of the Enlightenment. His works challenged authoritarianism and championed freedom of religion and speech. His beliefs in civil liberties and individualism inspired American revolutionaries such as Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, helping shape the ideals behind the Declaration of Independence.
Julian de Medeiros, a popular TikToker who also writes about philosophy on Substack, recently shared how Voltaire could tell whether someone was highly intelligent. His observation suggests that sometimes those who don’t speak know far more than those who can’t keep their mouths shut.
Signs that someone is highly intelligent, according to Voltaire
“Here’s how you know that someone is smart, like highly intelligent, and this goes back to a simple maxim from the French thinker Voltaire, who wrote, ‘Judge a man not by his answers but by his questions,’” de Medeiros said in a TikTok video.
“What he meant, and I think this is so important, is that the more intelligent someone is, the more they listen. The more they want to learn and grow each and every day. They have an innate curiosity,” he continued. “As Plato put it, ‘An intelligent person speaks when they have something to say, but an unintelligent person speaks because they have nothing to say.’”
An intelligent person also knows how to ask the right questions to learn as much as possible from the person they are talking to.
Studies show a deep connection between intelligence and curiosity
Voltaire’s thoughts on intelligence make a lot of sense. Curious people seek out new information. They ask questions, read books, take things apart, and make connections between ideas that may not be apparent at first. Studies show it starts early: infants seen as curious were more likely to grow up to be intelligent adults. Albert Einstein was a true believer in curiosity. He once said, “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious,” and was also famous for urging people to “never stop questioning.”
“[Curiosity] means trying to understand how things work, and then trying to understand how they can be made to work better. It means being curious about people and their backstories. It means using insights to build deceptively simple frameworks and models in their minds to make sense of their industry—and all the other disruptive forces shaping our world—so they can explain it to others. Then they continue asking questions about those models, and it’s those questions that often lead to breakthrough ideas.”
Ultimately, curiosity can be seen as a source of fuel and energy for the mind. You can have an incredible brain that’s great at storing and making sense of complex ideas, but without a constant stream of information and input, it’s like a sports car with no driver.
Even the coolest of the cool cannot escape the occasional social faux pas. Whether it’s putting your foot in your mouth at a dinner party, tripping in public and spilling coffee on yourself, or screwing something up at work, we all mess up from time to time. The good news is that every mistake is an opportunity to recover. This begs the question: What’s the best way to react when you’ve made a mistake?
Historically, people have thought that the best way to respond to a mistake is to express honest embarrassment. Feeling sheepish about your mistake is a great way to show others that you understand social norms and simply fell a bit short on this occasion. You blush, cast your eyes downward, and whisper a small “My bad” or “Sorry about that,” with a shrug of your shoulders.
What’s the best way to respond to making a public mistake?
However, research shows that the best way to recover after screwing up publicly is to laugh at yourself. A new study from the Cornell University SC Johnson School of Business involving 3,000 participants found that laughing at yourself can make you more likable than showing embarrassment.
“Our findings suggest that people often overestimate how harshly others judge their minor social mistakes,” said study co-author Övül Sezer, PhD, of the Cornell University SC Johnson School of Business, according to Neuroscience News. “For minor, harmless blunders, laughing at yourself can signal social confidence, reduce tension, and communicate that the mistake was accidental.”
Why is it better to laugh at yourself than to show embarrassment?
Laughing at yourself shows that you are socially confident and downplays the mistake in others’ eyes. Plus, people who can laugh at themselves are seen as warmer and more competent. The humor serves as a “reset button,” de-escalating the collective feeling of awkwardness.
On the other hand, when people appear embarrassed and apologetic after a mistake, others often see their reaction as excessive. This can come across as inauthentic or socially awkward. Often, people exaggerate their level of embarrassment to show that they understand what they did was inappropriate. Ironically, in trying to take the sting out of a cringeworthy moment by appearing embarrassed, they actually end up looking more awkward.
“What’s interesting is that embarrassment was often perceived as excessive,” Sezer said. “Observers tended to think that actors who displayed embarrassment were feeling more embarrassed than the situation warranted, while laughing signaled that they recognized the mistake was minor.”
Beyond the social situation itself, feeling embarrassed can be bad for our mental health.
“Some people can shake off their embarrassment when they make a mistake or violate a social norm,” Psychology Today noted. “Others who fear the disapproval of the group might be consumed by shame.”
The researchers added an important caveat to their results: If you are going to laugh off an embarrassing moment, it must be harmless. If your actions hurt someone, laughing things off can backfire in a big way, making you appear selfish and uncaring. “What’s important is calibrating the reaction to the seriousness of the mistake,” Sezer said.
We’re all bound to make a mistake from time to time. The good news is that every mistake presents an opportunity to recover and potentially make ourselves look even better than before. The key is to give your ego a rest and have a big laugh at your own expense. Most likely, people will find you more likable because you had the confidence to let your guard down.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Introverts make up one-third to one-half of the population, but our conversation norms—both online and off—are designed for extroverts.
Susan Cain, author of the bestselling book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, calls this phenomenon the “New Groupthink.” It’s a culture that favors constant collaboration and rapid-fire replies over stillness and deep thought. We live in a world that measures contribution by the number of messages sent, and it’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind when you go silent.
But what if this isn’t about falling behind? What if silence is just a different way of engaging? If you’ve ever wondered why you go quiet in group chats, consider these 10 signs you might be an introvert.
Unlike their extroverted counterparts, introverts take time to think about their responses before firing off a text. Photo credit: Canva
As Cain describes in her book, introverts “listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation.”
In a group chat setting, this internal processing means you might mentally prepare a response, revise it, overthink the timing (can’t be too quick or too slow, right?), and then decide the conversation has already moved on without you. The perfect response you crafted vanishes before you hit send.
2. Surface-level banter drains you
For introverts, not all conversations are created equal. You might find endless small talk, quick memes, and emoji reactions tiresome, and yearn for messages with more substance. That’s because introverts crave depth—a meaningful exchange that explores an idea, a feeling, or a genuine problem.
How would you react in this situation? I already interact too much with some of my coworkers on a daily basis so please leave me out the group chat. Thanks #groupchat#introverts#workgossip
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that serious conversations are more enjoyable than people expect, yet we consistently underestimate others’ interest in them. For introverts, this inclination toward depth isn’t a personality quirk—it’s a fundamental part of how they communicate.
3. You observe everything
If you’re quiet in the group chat, it doesn’t mean you’re not paying attention. Introverts are sharp readers of context: they notice shifts in tone, track emotional undercurrents, and pick up on what’s not being said as much as what is. This ability to observe and accurately synthesize group dynamics is one of the most underappreciated traits in online communication.
Introverts are sharp readers of context—everything that’s not being said. Photo credit: Canva
Psychologist Daniel Goleman found that empathy is a core component of emotional intelligence, and that quiet people often exhibit greater empathy because they listen more deeply. So while you may not be contributing messages to the group chat, you’re still playing an active role—picking up on subtle cues, like a shift in someone’s tone.
4. Group chats drain your social battery
Group chats require a lot of mental and social energy as you process multiple conversations, competing personalities, shifting group dynamics, and implicit social cues all at once. That’s an enormous cognitive load, especially compared to one-on-one conversations, where your focus can be directed toward a single person without all the noise.
If you feel overwhelmed, muting the chat might not be a bad idea. You need to manage—and maintain—your energy well.
5. You refuse to break the silence with noise
You won’t send a message just to be seen. While some group chat members are happy to drop a fire emoji or send an “lol” to stay visible, introverts tend to hold back unless they have something substantial to contribute. They’re committed to authentic communication.
Blake Griffin Edwards, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains it this way: “Introverts must think it out before they are able to talk it out very well.”
As a result, your communication style is built on intention rather than impulse. You may send fewer messages, but when you do, they’re more meaningful.
6. Group chats can feel overwhelming, even for good writers
Here’s a paradox many introverts recognize: writing often feels more natural than speaking. Text removes the social pressure of real-time performance, giving you space to choose your words carefully. Yet despite being text-based, group chats can still trigger overstimulation.
The problem lies with pace. A group chat doesn’t move at the same speed as a thoughtful email chain or a journal entry. It’s fast and unpredictable—like a live conversation—which creates the same timing pressures introverts face in verbal group settings. Hans Eysenck’s foundational theory of introversion suggests that introverts have a higher baseline level of cortical arousal, meaning they reach sensory overload faster than extroverts when external stimulation—like a flood of notifications—keeps escalating.
7. You tune into how others are feeling
You’re not just reading the words in a thread—you’re reading between the lines. As an introvert, you probably notice delicate emotional shifts, like a person’s messages becoming shorter, a joke that falls flat, or silence from someone who’s usually chatty. This emotional sensitivity is a strength, but it can also make group chats feel more burdensome than expected.
Emotional sensitivity can feel like a burden in group chats. Photo credit: Canva
In The Mirror, Katie Oborn observed that introverts “pick up on unspoken emotions and subtle shifts in conversation and tone.” That level of awareness means introverts are often the first to notice when something is off.
8. You don’t bend to the pressure to perform
Group chats carry an implicit social pressure: respond quickly, be entertaining, stay visible. For emotionally independent introverts, that pressure can feel crushing. People who resist the pull to perform in group settings often have a strong internal compass about what matters to them and why. They won’t chime in for the sake of it, and they won’t be dragged into drama just because the group demands a response.
9. Constant notifications break your focus
For introverts, great thinking often happens when you’re alone. There’s research to support this: studies consistently link solitude to improved emotional regulation, creativity, and decision-making. When a group chat keeps pinging you—interrupting a reading session, the workday, or a quiet moment—it fragments the kind of deep focus and flow state introverts depend on.
Studies from Microsoft Research confirm that instant message notifications slow task performance and make it more likely you’ll lose your train of thought. For introverts, who need more time to process information, these interruptions can be even more costly. The “ping” of a phone notification can disrupt deep focus.
Scroll through your messages, and you might notice a pattern—either in yourself or in your introverted friends. Long periods of silence often lead to a single, valuable message that adds meaning to the conversation. That’s what strategic participation looks like: waiting for the right moment, then contributing something meaningful.
Embracing your strength
For introverts, hanging back and staying quiet in a group chat isn’t withdrawal. It’s a form of meaningful participation that favors observation, thoughtful processing, and intentional engagement over simply making noise.
If you recognize these signs in yourself and want to start engaging more on your own terms, these small shifts can help:
Try preparing your thoughts before or at the start of a lively group conversation.
Remember, writing is your natural way in. A thoughtfully crafted message at the right moment can carry more weight than a dozen impulsive replies.
Feel free to set notification boundaries without guilt.
When you’re ready to chime in, trust your timing and insight.
As Susan Cain reminds us, being the loudest in the chat doesn’t mean having the best ideas. The quietest voice may actually be paying the closest attention—and when their words are shared deliberately, they can shift the entire conversation.
As workers struggle to land good jobs and employers struggle to find ideal candidates in the ever-changing job market, a new trend is emerging. Many applicants are turning to artificial intelligence to give them an edge—with mixed results at best. Because interviews are one of the most stressful parts of the job search, it’s become common for folks to input questions into ChatGPT to find the “perfect” response. However, a former recruiter warns that this is a bad idea, noting that you end up “sounding so fake” when using it.
Former recruiter turned career coach Madeline Mann showed an example of why ChatGPT shouldn’t be used to answer written interview questions. In a TikTok video, Mann shared a ChatGPT response to the question, “Why did you leave your last role?” ChatGPT replied with the following:
“I decided to move from independent work to a team environment so I can build deeper lifecycle expertise and learn from a strong mission-driven leadership team.”
It is common to use AI to help write your job interview answers, but often they are sounding too verbose and not human. If you are reading your interview answers from a script, you are likely to be rejected in the job interview and not get the job offer. Here is an example of how to sound more normal and like a coworker during a hiring process. Follow for more job interview tips, and job search strategies! #jobsearch#jobsearchtips#jobinterviewtips#jobinterview
Did that sound like something a human would say? Mann argued that ChatGPT used so much professional jargon that it sounded like a robot wrote it (because it did). Mann said that in interviews, it’s best to “sound like a coworker.”
“If you do not already sound like their coworker, they will have trouble picturing you as their coworker, and they won’t give you the job offer,” said Mann.
Mann said that a better response would be a quick and simple: “After freelancing for X years, I really missed being on a team.” She said that a reply like that is sincere, direct, and more like how a person would normally speak to a coworker. She added that if you were to use AI for interview responses, you should edit them down and remove any “bungle” to “talk like a person.”
Upworthy spoke to AI pros, business leaders, and recruiters about using artificial intelligence for job interviews. The majority arrived at the same conclusion: If you choose to use AI, it can be a useful tool for interview preparation. However, it shouldn’t sub in to do the actual interview for you.
“AI can be a useful tool for preparing for an interview,” said Megan Sweeney, public relations director at the American Staffing Association. “However, at the end of the day, the interviewer still needs to know you’re capable of doing the job.”
“If a company requests written interview questions, then using AI as a starting point is fair game in my book,” said Russell Taris, an expert on how managers can best use AI in the workplace. “The key statement, though, is ‘as a starting point.’”
“Candidates should use AI to organize their thoughts and firm up their language, but the examples and experiences need to be their own,” said Taris. “Managers can now tell right away when someone submits a response straight from ChatGPT without any editing. Smart candidates use AI the way you’d use a good friend who happens to be a great editor.”
Authenticity is key
“The problem is being authentic,” said Magical Brands CEO Mark Coffie. “Candidates who prepare and deliver scripted, overly polished answers tend to fail when asked questions spontaneously. You can use AI to outline your ideas but speak and answer questions in your own voice. That’s different from reading something generated. Interviews are a testing of judgment, communication, and problem-solving…Technology cannot substitute for that.”
“Using AI to pressure test your answers ahead of time can truly benefit candidates,” said Taris. “Run your ‘Why did you leave your last role?’ answer through it and ask it to poke holes, or practice your ‘greatest weakness’ answer until it’s specific and honest. The best answers I hear in interviews aren’t the most polished; they’re the ones where the candidate clearly thought it through beforehand and can go deeper, if needed. AI is one of the best prep tools available right now, and most candidates aren’t taking advantage of it.”
“Using AI for interview prep is helpful, but you will be the one being evaluated,” concluded Sweeney.
You might be shocked to learn that many people don’t like making small talk. Surprise, right? They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know.
However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.
Jefferson Fisher, a Texas personal injury attorney and communications expert, has become massively popular on Instagram—with nearly 6 million followers—for sharing tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, Fisher discussed the number one problem people have while making small talk.
What’s the biggest mistake people make during small talk?
“They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly,” Fisher tells Parade. “It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation.”
“For example, someone says, ‘I just got back from a trip to Italy,’ and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, ‘Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.’ It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. “Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, ‘That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?’ Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard.”
Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classicHow to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners tend to make a better first impression.
How to be more likable
Researchers at Harvard University found that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.
“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study’s authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.
While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
