We’ve all been guilty of procrastinating before, but some people tend to do it far more than others. Research indicates that about 20% of adults can be considered “chronic procrastinators,” and it’s an extremely tough mental loop to break.
Not only does procrastinating lead to worse outcomes at school, work, or in creative projects, it can also be highly damaging to a person’s psyche. Regular procrastination fuels intense feelings of shame, guilt, and even major depression.
Luckily, there are all kinds of tricks, hacks, and mental games people can use to help defeat procrastination. However, many of them are Band-Aids at best and don’t address the fear, anxiety, stress, and overwhelm that are often at the root of so-called laziness and task avoidance.
One recent study wanted to test a potential “cure” for procrastination: self-forgiveness.
A team of researchers from Carleton University set out to determine whether there was a link between “forgiving the self for a specific instance of procrastination and procrastination on that same task in the future.”
In other words, does mentally beating yourself up after feeling lazy help you do better next time, or is it more effective to give yourself grace?
The method was simple. Researchers recruited 119 first-year university students enrolled in an introductory psychology course, knowing, of course, that students are exceptional candidates for studying procrastination.
It’s easy to find students who are behind on their studies. Photo credit: Canva
Students were polled after an exam in the class on a variety of self-reported factors, including whether they procrastinated studying and how they felt about their overall performance. They were polled again after a second exam.
In the end, the results revealed that students who reported high levels of self-forgiveness for procrastinating on their studying for the first exam were less likely to repeat the same mistake on the second exam.
“Negative affect”
The team determined that a big reason self-forgiveness was important is that it reduced something called “negative affect,” a psychology term that refers to a bundle of unpleasurable feelings like anxiety, anger, sadness, and guilt.
What mattered in whether a person would stop procrastinating in the future was that they rid themselves of those negative feelings. Forgiving themselves for procrastinating the first time helped immensely.
We’ve learned a lot about procrastination in recent years. What was once considered laziness is now better understood as a diabolical cocktail of overwhelm, anxiety, fear, and even childhood trauma. That’s why so much advice about procrastination is outdated.
Marla Cummins, a productivity coach, writes that using force or authoritarian self-talk like “I have to get this done” used to be commonplace but simply doesn’t work.
A research review from 2023 found that self-compassion is far more effective than self-criticism at motivating positive change, further reinforcing the findings from the Carleton University study. Methods that ease those negative feelings and break the cycle of negative self-talk are key to stopping procrastination, or at least doing it less often, in the future.
As a human, you are almost guaranteed to procrastinate on something important in your life sometime in the near future. The key to not letting it become a chronic problem may be to forgive yourself for the slip-up and refuse to carry those negative feelings of shame and guilt into your next opportunity.
A Somali refugee and current resident of Minneapolis, the multimedia artist and activist draws on her lived experiences to create work that explores trauma, displacement, and resilience. But like so many of the guests on Freedom to Thrive, an award-winning podcast produced by the National Immigration Law Center (NILC), Mansour doesn’t want to focus only on trauma; she also wants to celebrate the unexpected beauty she’s found during difficult experiences.
“One of the beautiful things about tragedies is that it activates hearts, and courageous people are born,” she says. For example, Mansour has noticed more Minnesotans than ever are reaching out to help the vulnerable, after the anti-immigrant crackdowns carried out by the Department of Homeland Security. “They are bringing food, they’re bringing extra clothes, they’re walking with people, and it’s just really beautiful.”
Hector Flores, co-founder of the Las Cafeteras and host of Freedom to Thrive, agrees with her. A child of immigrants himself, he has also seen how hope and hardship often live side by side.
Flores comes from a family with mixed status and is highly aware of the challenges immigrants and refugees in his community face, and how they’re affected by people’s misconceptions. “People want to know about trauma all the time, but we’re more than just undocumented,” he says. “We’re artists, singers, creatives … there’s so much richness in the culture.”
At its core, Flores’ comment is exactly what the Freedom to Thrive podcast is all about: Celebrating immigrants as complex, dynamic individuals, and challenging the dominant narrative that too often reduces them to symbols of hardship.
Launched in 2024, Freedom to Thrive explores heritage, resilience, community, and the ways art and comedy can spark social change. Now in its second season, the podcast continues to feature conversations with immigrants, policymakers, artists, musicians, activists, and more. Recent guests have included comedian Mo Amer, Grammy Award-winning singer Lila Downs, and Pulitzer Prize-winning author Viet Thanh Nguyen.
Where the first season focused on individual stories of identity and belonging, Flores says his goal for season two, where he joins as host, is to “take it to the next level” — using storytelling to highlight “the fact that we’re more similar than different.”
One recent podcast episode drives this point home. In December, Flores interviewed Bryan Andrews, a rising country music star and rural Missouri native who frequently uses his platform to speak about issues affecting immigrant families. At the heart of his message and his songwriting, Andrews says, is the idea that small-town Americans and the rest of the country, including immigrants, have more in common than they realize.
“It doesn’t matter where you’re from,” Andrews says on the podcast. “We’re all trying to make a living and we’re tired of getting railroaded by corporate greed or by politicians who don’t care.”
Rural Americans, Andrews says, are often stereotyped as racist and misogynistic but “the overwhelming majority of people in my home town have love in their hearts.” Media stereotypes often amplify differences and divide, he says, but at the end of the day, “we’re all in this together.”
Flores, who was raised in a working-class immigrant neighborhood in East Los Angeles, had similar thoughts. He says he often sees its residents stereotyped as wealthy, consumerist, and status obsessed. “That exists, but that’s not my life, that’s not my community,” he says. Like small-town Americans, people in the city “just want to work hard and take care of their families. We all want the same thing.”
Although the podcast tackles some heavy issues, each episode’s ultimate focus is how personal and collective struggles can be healed through art, driving home a message of hope and resilience:
Mansour’s episode about her experiences in Minnesota is just one of many examples. Flores asks her,
“What gives you hope for the people creating a home here?”
“The love I feel from other Minnesotans. It is trumping any hate we’re experiencing,” she replies.
CTA: Stream all episodes now on the Freedom to ThriveYouTube channel or the website,here.
The podcast has been nominated for a Webby in the “Belonging & Inclusion” category. You can vote for it to win until Thursday, April 16!
This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levis Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.
“Job treating you alright?” “Looks like this weekend is gonna be a real scorcher.” “That Cowboys game was outrageous.” These are some conversational snippets one might hear that could lead to immediate panic—that insufferable “small talk” lies ahead. But new research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychologyclaims that people actually like, and often benefit from, these kinds of conversations.
Researchers discovered that even though people reported not looking forward to “boring” conversations, a majority found them quite fun.
The team mixed and matched respondents to cover all bases. In one experiment, they observed conversations in which “one person finds the topic boring.” In another experiment, they created a situation where both participants “find the topic boring.” They also tested groups based on whether the participants were strangers or friends.
In a piece published by the American Psychological Association (APA), researchers reported that, after studying 1,800 participants, “people consistently underestimated how interesting and enjoyable conversations about boring topics would be.”
Some might question what topics are considered (potentially) “boring” in the first place:
“Topics were many and varied, including World Wars I and II, nonfiction books, the stock market, cats, and vegan diets. In some cases, participants were asked to suggest a topic they found boring (responses included such topics as math, onions and Pokemon).”
Elizabeth Trinh, a doctoral student at the University of Michigan and lead author of the study, said she was excited about the results.
“We were both surprised and excited by how robust the effect was,” she said. “People consistently expected conversations about seemingly boring topics to be less interesting than they turned out to be.”
“Serves a real purpose”
Upworthy spoke with licensed therapist Rebecca Tenzer, owner of Astute Counseling and Wellness Center. She explained why many of us feel anxious about so-called small talk, only to find it entertaining.
“While it gets dismissed a lot, small talk actually serves a real purpose when it comes to mental health,” Tenzer said. “These smaller, everyday interactions help people feel connected, acknowledged, important, and can even build self-esteem. Even if the conversation is simple or surface-level, there are meaningful impacts and a lot of gain.”
Tenzer also supported the idea that these micro-conversations, no matter the topic, have significant benefits.
“We’re seeing more evidence that even brief social exchanges can improve mood, teach social norms, and reduce feelings of loneliness,” she said. “Along with those interactions are often positive body language exchanges, smiles, and even laughter, all of which are happiness chemical hacks needed to boost mood.”
“Small talk acts as a low-pressure way to engage with others, which can help regulate the nervous system and make social interaction feel easier over time,” Tenzer added. “Not every conversation needs to be deep to have value. It’s nice to force yourself to slow down, take a minute to chit-chat, be in the moment, and stay present. It’s not a huge time commitment and often has lasting benefits throughout the day.”
“Predictable, consistent, and not threatening”
Lisa Chen, a licensed psychotherapist, concurred, telling Upworthy that these types of conversations can help put people at ease, even if they might not expect it.
“As a psychotherapist who works with high-achieving, often socially guarded clients, I see how ‘low-stakes’ interactions create a sense of safety in the body,” she said. “Even brief exchanges like saying ‘hello’ to the barista making your coffee or making casual conversation at work help remind our nervous system that the world is predictable, consistent, and not threatening.”
Chen says small talk can help lower anxiety.
“It lowers social anxiety over time, builds relational confidence, and gently reinforces that we belong in shared spaces,” she said. “But small talk isn’t just for those who struggle with social anxiety. It’s for everyone. Small talk strengthens our sense of belonging, improves our mood, and keeps us from becoming too transactional or isolated from others. It also softens intensity and creates moments of ease that prevent stress and burnout.”
We know that collectively performing under pressure requires some special qualities, but what are they? That’s the question NASA seeks to answer as it looks ahead to sending humans to Mars. When it comes to team dynamics, a small crew on a 10-day stint around the moon is one thing. A team stuck on a spaceship for months and living together on a planet two million miles from home is another.
NASA’s Human Research Program studies human behavior in teams to analyze the implications of long-duration space missions. After observing team dynamics and roles in groups in various studies, one delightful conclusion can be drawn.
Every team needs a clown.
NASA ran a study on a potential trip to Mars and found the most important trait for team dynamics was humor pic.twitter.com/tB3gQlKZPL
According to NASA, astronauts have returned from stints on the International Space Station and reported that humor played a critical role in diffusing tension between people working on the I.S.S. The same finding has come from research studies in analog environments. (Analogs are places like Antarctica, where the desolate and extreme environment somewhat mimics a place like Mars.)
“You need a clown on the team,” said Noshir Contractor, Ph.D., professor of behavioral sciences at Northwestern University. In other words, you need someone who can make their teammates laugh.
Contractor is conducting a study titled Crew Recommender for Effective Work in Space (CREWS). Using research data from an analog study, her team is developing a computer model to help select the best individuals to form a crew.
“We don’t have a perception that we’re going to tell them who to send on a mission,” Contractor said, according to NASA. “But if they have a collection of people, it will work like a weather forecast model. It’s a predictive model that says if you choose this particular crew, here is what you are likely to see in terms of team dynamics. And, if problems arise, here is how to intervene to ease those problems.”
Easing problems is one place where the clown plays an important role. Research shows that positive humor can increase communication and social support and create a pleasant environment. Most of us have experienced how a well-timed joke or witty response can stop tension in its tracks.
Tension often manifests physically. We feel it in our bodies when emotional stress is high. According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter can stimulate circulation and help muscles relax, easing some of the physical symptoms of stress. Laughter also releases endorphins that make us feel good and promote social bonding.
What about teams that aren’t in as extreme circumstances as going on a mission to Mars or wintering in Antarctica? Dr. Adil Dalal of the Forbes Coaches Council says humor has a “transformative power” that unlocks the ability to do serious work well in the professional world.
Photo credit: Canva – Laughing with your colleagues may help improve team performance.
“When we laugh, cortisol, the stress hormone that can narrow thinking and trigger defensive behavior, drops significantly,” writes Dalal. “Laughter also causes the release of dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins, which are associated with motivation and learning. In the workplace, this means that laughter can encourage new behaviors and insights. It can also strengthen trust, which is essential for psychological safety and sustained high performance among employees.”
So if you’re leading a team or part of a team that appears to be struggling, perhaps some clowning around is in order. As Dr. Dalal writes, “Fun is not the opposite of seriousness—it is the pathway to sustainable excellence.”
If NASA touts the vital role humor plays in teamwork and success, perhaps we all ought to give it a little more weight in our own teams.
We live in an age of conflict. Sharp political and social divides are everywhere, and while it’s easy to theoretically write off people who disagree with us on fundamental core issues and values, the reality is that we often must co-exist with them and learn to manage our conflicts in a healthy way. Sometimes that means putting aside our differences and “agreeing to disagree.” Something it means hashing them out.
The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.
Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict. Not surprisingly, she’s in high demand on news programs, conferences, and media summits these days.
How to have a constructive conversation
Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.
The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”
It shows genuine curiosity in their point of view. That’s critical to avoid someone shutting down on you.
Two men shake hands while a woman looks on. Photo credit: Canva
When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.
It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.
Look out for signs of defensiveness like blaming, criticizing, making excuses, or being passive-aggressive. These are warning signals that your conversation is veering off the rails.
Phrases you can use to avoid an argument
The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”
Here are some other phrases you can use:
“I wonder if…”
“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”
“I might be wrong, but…”
“How funny! I had a different reaction…”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”
“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”
Two men high-fiving one another. Photo credit: Canva
What’s the best way to disagree with people?
A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.
“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing professor Matthew Fisher at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.
The key words are “willing” and “genuine.” These phrases aren’t magic bullets designed to help you level your opponents. You have to actually, truly be willing to learn about their perspective and be open to changing your mind.
Let me know in the comments if this data rings true to you and your experience of conflict. And check out danharris.com for more from Amanda Ripley including what she has to say about “conflict entrepreneurs,”people who inflame turmoil to benefit themselves. #conflict#healthyconflict#communication#tenpercenthappier#10percenthappier
Another common tip that usually comes from the world of couple’s counseling is to stop seeing the other person as your adversary. If you can imagine the two of you on the same team versus the problem, your conversations will be more productive.
In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.
This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.
Most self-help advice gets one major aspect wrong: the habits that actually change your life aren’t the dramatic ones. They’re not 5 a.m. cold plunges or 75-day fitness challenges. They’re much more subtle, and almost embarrassingly ordinary. But that’s the point.
The ideas are simple: create bite-sized routines that fit seamlessly into your day, and build different versions of those systems for different days, whether good or chaotic. The goal is to stick with these practices, daily or weekly, even on turbulent days when nothing seems to go right. They write:
“Traditional productivity advice assumes perfect conditions. This system assumes chaos is inevitable and builds protocols for bad days. You’re not trying to be perfect. You’re trying to be unbreakable.”
Here are 14 deceptively simple habits worth trying, courtesy of Ideas to Thrive:
Jump-starting a healthier lifestyle doesn’t require a gym membership. You don’t need a plan, a new playlist, or special gear. You just need a dedicated block during the day to move: a short walk, five squats while the coffee brews in the morning, or committing to taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
A 10-minute workout done three times a week has been shown to boost endurance by nearly 20%. Importantly, it’s the intensity, not the duration, that drives measurable health benefits. You don’t need an hour per week, just minutes.
2. Drink water before anything else
Before your morning coffee, juice, or that special loose-leaf tea your father-in-law got you (thanks, Perry!), drink a glass of water. Then have another about 30 minutes before your first meal.
This one’s tricky. What about your morning alarm? (Buy one. It’s good to know the time without constantly checking your phone.) What about that nightly Sudoku game you have to do? (Try a book of puzzles, or the one printed in the newspaper.) The research on this topic is extensive and clear: smartphones in the bedroom disrupt sleep. By removing your phone, you eliminate both the temptation to scroll and the device lighting up with notifications during the night.
According to the Indian Journal of Medical Research, 87% of Americans sleep with their phones in the bedroom, despite consistent evidence linking the habit to poorer sleep outcomes. A randomized controlled trial found that restricting bedtime phone use improved sleep quality, shortened sleep onset, and enhanced mood. Luckily, the fix isn’t a fancy gadget. It’s as simple as leaving your phone on the kitchen counter.
4. While you’re at it, write down tomorrow’s one task before bed
Before you sleep, jot down the single most important thing you need to do the next day. That’s it: one thing. Psychologists call the anxiety caused by unfinished tasks the Zeigarnik Effect, first identified by Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik in 1927. It explains how unfinished tasks stay active in our working memory, using up mental energy and potentially disrupting sleep.
Writing down a plan to complete them can help ease these restless thoughts, reassuring your brain that it’s okay to let go because a clear plan is in place. Further research shows that having a written plan boosts productivity, as the act of planning helps lighten your mental load.
The takeaway? Your brain can’t file away a task until it trusts there’s a plan. Give it one sentence tonight.
5. Take a 10-minute walk after lunch
That 2 p.m. slump? It’s not just because of the family-style Jersey Mike’s hoagie you wolfed down (no judgment, though it didn’t help). Afternoon sleepiness is real, but a short walk can actually help tremendously.
A study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that taking a few moments to jot down a quick to-do list before bed can help you fall asleep faster. Gratitude journaling, done specifically before bed, has also been shown to improve sleep onset and reduce nighttime disturbances. Your brain wasn’t designed to hold everything. Three sentences are enough to start letting go.
7. Track your habits with color
Find a visual tracker that works for you, whether on paper or in a digital app, and assign yourself colors:
Green for done
Yellow for partially complete
Red for skipped
Yes, it may sound like an elementary school exercise (what’s next, a pizza party for finishing your books?), but there’s real science behind it. Research on digital behavior change interventions shows that visual tools illustrating the gap between current behavior and a goal, such as a green bar for steps completed and a red line for the daily target, can boost motivation through clear, visual feedback. The idea is that color-coded systems tap into these feedback loops, with the brain processing color patterns faster than text or numbers.
Visual feedback can be powerful. Soon, you’ll start noticing patterns you didn’t even realize were there.
8. Set aside 20 minutes on Sunday for a quick self-review
No one’s under fire; this isn’t a productivity audit. You are not in trouble. But a little self-reflection never hurt, did it?
Without deliberate reflection, it’s easy to stay on autopilot. Reviews create the feedback loop necessary for intentional progress. During these sessions, ask yourself:
What went well this week?
What didn’t?
What does next week look like?
Should I adjust my self-improvement expectations?
Reviewing the week allows you to “bank” wins, process setbacks, and make small, purposeful improvements (a strategy shown to reduce burnout). David Allen, the productivity researcher behind Getting Things Done, notes that the weekly review “will sharpen your intuitive focus on your important projects as you deal with the flood of new input and potential distractions coming at you the rest of the week.”
By spending 20 minutes looking back each week, you can avoid going 20 weeks in the wrong direction.
9. Close all your browser tabs at the end of the day
Every open tab is an unfinished thought. Research from Princeton University and the University of California, Los Angeles shows that visual clutter—digital or physical—overloads the brain and elevates stress. Closing your tabs at the same time each day creates a shutdown ritual that helps separate work from rest, a clear boundary that prevents lingering anxiety during off-hours. This distinction is especially important for those who work from home. Productivity experts also note that fewer digital distractions means fewer choices and less noise, which in turn reduces decision fatigue and increases the likelihood that tasks get done.
Your browser is not a filing cabinet. Close those tabs. Start fresh tomorrow.
10. Read 10 pages per day
That’s it: 10 pages. That’s about 15 minutes of active reading. Do that every day, and you’ll finish between 12 and 18 books a year (unless you’re working your way through the Dune series. Those books are seriously hefty). It’s good for you, too: a landmark study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that just six minutes of reading can reduce stress levels by up to 68%.
Ten pages a day is more than just a light reading habit; it’s an insurance policy for your brain’s health.
Despite the wisdom in Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, treating “no” as a weekly maintenance habit isn’t an act of selfishness; it’s an act of self-preservation. Chronic people-pleasing drains the same mental and emotional resources that support creativity, focus, and recovery. Research consistently shows that excessive stress—the kind caused by overcommitting—is a major trigger for depression, anxiety disorders, and burnout.
Psychology Todaynotes that saying no “can create more mental health stability by helping with self-care and building your self-esteem and confidence by setting boundaries.” This is a deliberate practice. Decline at least one request, invitation, or obligation each week that doesn’t align with your priorities. When you set limits on what drains you, you create space for restorative activities.
12. Send one thoughtful message a week
Every week, send one intentional message to someone in your life—a text, email, or note that’s personal, specific, and sincere. Social connection is one of the strongest predictors of health and longevity. A landmark study cited by Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education found that a lack of social connection is more harmful to health than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure.
A study published in Communication Research, involving 900 participants across five university campuses, found that even a single intentional outreach to a friend or loved one on any given day can significantly improve well-being, reduce stress, enhance connection, and lessen loneliness. Importantly, the research showed that no particular type of message—whether catching up, showing care, joking, or giving a compliment—was more effective than another. The key factor was the act of reaching out with intention.
Dishes in the sink. Clothes on the chair. Scattered envelopes on the dining room table. Spend two minutes before bed restoring basic order to your space: reset surfaces, return items to their places, and clear clutter.
Research conducted by UCLA, involving 32 dual-income families, found that individuals who described their homes as cluttered or full of unfinished projects showed elevated cortisol patterns linked to chronic stress, especially among women.
Allen’s Getting Things Done methodology helps explain why the two-minute rule works so well. As he explains, any task that can be completed in under two minutes should be done immediately rather than delayed, preventing small messes from building into overwhelming chaos.
One small step at a time
None of these habits will change your life overnight. You won’t wake up with a different bank account. Your apartment won’t magically become more organized; you’ll probably still lose focus around 3:33 p.m. each day. But that’s not really how change works, is it? It happens in the small, consistent moments that may not look impressive on paper but add up to real momentum.
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life. Ideas to Thrive recommends starting with a handful of habits, then slowly adding more. Pick a few and see where they take you.
Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote Let it Be, a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.
The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations, and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”
The ‘Let Them’ theory, explained
This idea of giving up control (or the illusion of it) when it does us no good was perfectly distilled into two words that everyone can understand: “Let Them.” This is officially known as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video posted in May 2023.
“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.
“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you’re really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”
“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.
Put the ‘Let Them’ theory into practice
The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose?
Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins#letthemtheory#letgo#lettinggo#podcast#podcastepisode
How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.
It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k. Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” one viewer wrote.
Finding Peace Through Acceptance
“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.
The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”
This article originally appeared two years ago.It has been updated.
Like it or not, AI technology is almost certainly here to stay. While that might bring new conveniences we never thought possible, it still causes many to stress out over range of topics from our careers to existential level threats.
In a segment for New Normal entitled, “Is Human Connection the New Job Security?” for BBC Global, journalist Katty Kay delves into the idea of job security in this new age. She first recalls a chat she had in 2023 with her old pal, Dermalogica Skincare founder Jane Wurwand.
High touch vs. high tech
In just two words, the corporate mogul had the antidote to “high tech,” and it was really quite simple. She told Kay, “The equal and opposite reaction to ‘high tech’ is ‘high touch.’” She explains that it’s “service-oriented businesses where humans are doing things that humans do best. Cooking. Caring. Touching. Kindness. Compassion. Talking. I’m not just in the business of skincare products. I’m in the business of human connection.”
Kay reconnects with Wurwand over a video chat a few years later to find out if she still feels the “high touch” concept is possible now that AI has advanced. “It’s not confined to physical touch, your concept of high tech/high touch. It’s also about this broader idea of just having a human voice when you call.” (Kay gives the example of having to call tech support if your Wi-Fi has gone out.)
The human being industry
Kay then asks, “Give us some tangible thoughts on which are the high-touch jobs and areas of employment you think survive this rapidly growing technology that may take other jobs away?”
Wurwand replies confidently, “The jobs that I see that are going to be booming…and really can’t be replaced. Hospitality. Travel. Anything in the human being industry.”
She discusses the importance of true empathy, something that can’t be substituted by a robot. “If you are receiving a cancer diagnosis, goodness forbid, an AI bot might have found or detected that rogue cell, but you certainly don’t want that bot talking to you or giving you that diagnosis. You want someone with kindness, empathy, and to hold your hand and literally say, ‘We’ve got a plan. We’re going to execute on it.’”
A doctor consults with his patient. Photo credit: Unsplash
Wurwand gives other examples, as well, essentially suggesting “high touch” can be applied anywhere, including tech jobs. “Whether you’re working in retail, whether you’re working in an industry that is full of technology, what we can bring as humans that makes the workplace, that business, that space kind, empathetic, that you feel seen, you feel heard, that you matter, that somebody knows a little bit about your life so that you can chat and talk.
A new social contract
Kay brings up the insightful point that many, especially younger people in today’s society, feel threatened and disillusioned. “Many felt there was this kind of social contract, where you get educated, you pay an enormous amount of money to go to a university or tertiary education, and then you come out and actually there aren’t jobs because the jobs have been taken.”
She also points out the frustration some might feel from having been told if they’d only learned to “code” they’d be fine. They then entered the workforce to find out lots of those jobs have been taken over, as well. Kay asks, “What do you say to the graduate who has a degree in accounting or coding?”
Wurwand reiterates that “high touch” is still important, even in accounting or coding jobs. “You’re not gonna compete with a robot. We don’t have those same skills. We don’t have that ‘code’ in our head. You have everything else that is needed by other humans. So we have to take the strength and move with it.”
She points out that we shouldn’t be so quick to label. “We shouldn’t box things into that’s ‘tech’ and this is ‘human.’ There has to be this connection.”
Genuine empathy
They both agree that those interpersonal skills—the ones that only human beings can truly have—must be nurtured in order to survive this AI flux. Wurwand gives the example: “Your first message of branding is that voice that answers the phone. And it doesn’t have to be in an office at a desk. It can be obviously remote. However, it has to be a double-down, delicious sort of person who sounds great and is kind and genuinely has empathy because we can hear or spot a fake in 30 seconds.”
Of course, the idea of good customer service isn’t exactly new. But it seems extra important right now given it’s seemingly being forgotten by so many major corporations.
In the article “9 Examples of High Touch,” for Simplicable, writer and IT tech John Spacey writes that it comes down to simply being human: “High touch is any business process that requires extensive human attention. These are typically areas where automation reduces the value of a process because humans add significant value to it.”
Aside from the aforementioned client services, Spacey also discusses the importance of having “personalized attention with every customer.” This includes, of course, listening to their needs and tailoring the experience directly to them when possible.
There’s a great line in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, where the sultry Jessica Rabbit is asked why she loves her husband, Roger, a manic comedian with a penchant for mischief, who’s half her size. Her answer: “He makes me laugh.”
Although that may seem like an exaggeration, there’s a lot of truth to Jessica’s perspective; heterosexual women consistently rank sense of humor as one of the most attractive traits that a man can have. Heterosexual men also find women with a sense of humor attractive, but to a lesser extent.
A new research paper by Wayne State University linguist Ljiljana Progovac suggests that when it comes to human evolution, the phrase “survival of the fittest” could be replaced by “survival of the wittiest.” Her research shows that in the caveman era, humans shifted from a might-makes-right tribal culture, where physically dominant people had the most opportunities to reproduce, to one where a sense of humor was the sexiest trait you could have.
Why did cavedwellers find a sense of humor sexy?
The big changes came when early humans realized that inter-tribal violence did more harm than good. Therefore, being a physical threat was out of style as it was more advantageous to be “groupish.” Those who could cooperate within their tribe to ensure they could compete with other tribes then started getting all the action.
Even though early humans treated those in their tribe with greater civility, within this friendly society, those who were verbally fluent became dominant and more attractive to potential mates.
“From the very first moment that our ancestors started combining two words together, those combinations opened up a new kind of competition. Not physical. Verbal,” the Science Blog writes. “The ability to coin a devastating nickname, to skewer a rival with a phrase, to make the tribe laugh at someone else’s expense; these skills, she argues, were subject to sexual selection just as surely as the peacock’s tail or the bowerbird’s elaborate stick construction.”
It seems that even though language developed over a hundred thousand years ago, things haven’t changed all that much since.
Progovac posits that early humans could insult one another or express their sense of humor by using simple two-word verb-noun compounds such as “killjoy” or “pickpocket.” According to the author, people who knew how to throw around those compounds in clever ways had higher reproductive fitness than those who weren’t as adept. The children born to witty individuals could then go on to create even more complicated grammatical rules to show off their wit. This, in turn, led to the evolution of more complex languages.
Progovac’s paper also notes that, on one hand, being quick-witted is an advantage when it comes to sexual selection, while those who aren’t as funny are less likely to be selected.
“In addition to positive selection due to superior language skills and eloquence, it is also important to acknowledge the role of negative selection with respect to these skills, as even minor language disturbances or ‘disorders’ can have a detrimental effect on selection,” Progovac writes. “Especially damning seem to be insults that directly refer to such skills, such as dim-witted, half-witted, f**kwit, slow, and dull, indicating the value that is still placed on wit and quick-wittedness. This suggests that quick-wittedness plays a role both in positive and negative selection in humans, even today.”
This study is a wonderful example of two inspiring ideas. The first is that even if you aren’t genetically blessed with traditionally great looks, a sense of humor can go a long way towards helping you find a romantic partner. Second, humans evolved an incredible sense of humor because it was better to make fun of each other than to beat them with a club.
In a since-deleted story posted on Reddit last year, one woman showed how sometimes trusting your gut can be the best thing you can do, even if following it will seriously impact your friendships. It all started when a 24-year-old woman with the username @Yslbabycat went to a bachelorette party with five other friends in Italy.
For brevity’s sake, we’ll call our main character “YBC.” One night, the six girls went bar and club hopping and met some new friends. “We met some young people, and they invited us to a party. We went and danced and met more people. The night kept going on longer, and we were very far from our lodgings. These young men with 2 women in their group told us to stay with them for the night,” she wrote.
Men and women dancing at the club. Photo credit: Canva
“I wasn’t feeling this situation. It felt unsafe, but the group voted and I was in the minority,” she continued. ”I didn’t trust these men. Something seemed wrong. But I was at a loss as I could not split from my group and didn’t feel safe separating from them in the middle of the night.”
Even though the girls locked their doors that night, the men could enter their rooms. Despite this the girls, besides YBC, all wanted to stay another day because the men promised to show them around Italy.
Women hanging out by the pool during a bachelorette trip. Photo credit: Canva
“I didn’t want to get into a car with them because I found them creepy. There were women in their group but it didn’t matter. They seemed even more suspicious to me, being overly friendly,” she continued. “The whole morning, I found the men staring at me a lot and also making some comments about my ethnicity—I am Korean and they could tell and it seemed that they were interested in me because of my ethnicity, asking me strange questions …including if I’m a virgin or not.. so in my head I could only think of perverted reasons for these questions because I thought these guys were sketchy and sizing us all up for some reason I couldn’t figure out yet.”
YBC’s friends tried to tell her that it was just cultural differences and that the men weren’t being creepy, but she decided that she wanted to leave. So, she called her boyfriend, who was a few hours’ drive away in France, to come get her. She met him at a local store where YBC called the bride-to-be and informed her she was leaving. The bride-to-be screamed at her on the phone, chastised her for spoiling the “mood of the trip,” and told YBC to, essentially, “F*** off.”
After YBC left, the other five girls went on a boat with the men who all tried to get them “extremely” intoxicated. They then began to aggressively pressure the girls into having sex. At the night’s end, the girls got away from the men and found another hotel. Even though YBC’s suspicions were confirmed, the bride-to-be was still upset with her and YBC did not attend her friend’s wedding.
In the end, Reddit commenters overwhelmingly thought that YBC did the right thing by trusting her gut:
“So all the other girls but the bachelorette confirmed that you were right and the guys were super creepy and yet the bachelorette is still pissed at you for getting yourself out of there?” user @YouSayWotNow wrote. “All of them are very lucky nothing really bad happened, and frankly, they should be embarrassed they didn’t take you seriously at the time.”
“You may have saved the entire group by leaving early, as the men realized that you knew where they lived and could ID them,” user @RobinC1967 added. “Please don’t ever feel bad for getting yourself out of a sketchy situation. Stay Smart!”
Most would agree that YBC did the right thing by trusting her gut and trying to lead her friends out of a potentially dangerous situation. Science supports her actions, too. According to a 2015 Psychology Todayarticle entitled, “3 Reasons Why You Have to Trust Your Gut,” philosopher and writer Susanna Newsonen says that your intuition is encoded in your brain like “a web of fact and feeling” and is helpful because it’s “shaped by your past experiences and the existing knowledge that you gained from them.”
Following your intuition can be hard, especially when there’s no concrete “evidence” for why you feel the way you do. In a 2024 article for VeryWellMind, writer and instructor LaKeisha Fleming helps identify the times when your gut is trying to tell you something and the top times you really need to listen. First, Fleming walks the reader through the signs of intuition—the physical and emotional cues that your body has something important to say:
Tension in the body or a thought that won’t go away
Heaviness like a “pit” in your stomach
A strong feeling that you should or shouldn’t do something (go somewhere, talk to someone, avoid some place, etc.)
The hairs on the back of your neck stand upright before something frightening happens
An illustration portraying the brain listening. Photo credit: Canva
Of course, Fleming notes, anxiety, trauma, and regular old overthinking can skew our intuition, so how do you know when to trust it? She notes the top four times you shouldn’t ignore your gut:
1. When it comes to your and others’ safety:
Does something seem off? Err on the side of caution and just listen to yourself. It could save you from danger like in YBC’s case.
2. When you body is sending signals about your health:
If your body is experiencing persistent symptoms like headaches and migraines, sudden weight change, nagging pains, unusual sensations, or digestive issues, they could be signs something is wrong internally or externally. Do you get a stomachache around a certain person? Does being in someone’s company make you feel nervous? Do you feel mostly fine except for this nagging pain that won’t go away? Pay attention to these cues.
3. When something feels “off” in a relationship:
Sure, it could be nothing, but it doesn’t hurt to check in if your romantic partner or friend is acting strangely, making you feel uneasy, or arousing suspicion. Gauge the severity of your feelings and plan how to respectfully connect, confront, or question the other person to understand what’s really going on.
4. When you doubt yourself:
A lot of times, self-doubt is the ever-pesky imposter syndrome rearing its head. Sometimes you may be picking up on legitimate shortcomings within yourself that you need more time to identify and improve (signed up for a marathon but haven’t trained or practiced much at all? Yeah, maybe listen to your body and sit the race out this time), but most other times, self-doubt is insecurity, which can be overcome. If you know you’re trained, educated, and skilled in a certain area, there’s a good chance you know what you’re doing and will do it well.
In short, your gut will seldom steer you wrong. If you’ve got a bad feeling like YBC did, trust yourself and act accordingly. It could save your life.
This article originally appeared two years. It has been updated.
