I practice self-care 11 simple ways every day, and it’s not always pretty.

Practicing self-care is harder than it looks in this messy life.

The bathroom is my special place. When I sit on the toilet and read articles about 100 ways to change my life, I feel empowered and ready to shake my world upside down.

Then I lock my iPhone and leave the bathroom … and I fall right back into wishing I could just sulk in a corner.

Especially as the adult child of an alcoholic, a lot of people advise me to figure out how to put myself first. Family, friends, and professionals want me to learn to love myself in ways that I didn’t learn during all the years when caring for an addict took precedence.


“Close your eyes in the steam of hot lemon water. Sink into your warrior pose while reflecting on the ocean’s tide. Just take deeper breaths and count to 10 to conquer the world’s pain.”

Photo via iStock.

I know the authors of these articles mean well, but sometimes I don’t think they understand how hard it is to make self-care a priority. Most days, grabbing hold of my “self” feels like trying to grab fistfuls of air, not breathing as calmly as an ocean tide.

Instead of drawing a bubble bath or lighting a candle or writing down my thoughts and dreams in a journal, I’m more focused on making baby steps in caring for myself. Here are a few:

1. Getting up on the right side of the bed is a big deal.

Most days, I don’t want to cuddle a kitten. On the days when it’s easier to smile, it’s a really good day. Sometimes my self-care is cherishing those days.

2. Instead of dreaming of all the things I’ll get around to in my next life, I have to pick one small thing a day.

Waiting for the next cymbal to crash wipes me out. In my next life, I’ll color 50 shades of happiness in my adult coloring book. And then I’ll hang it on my fridge to show off to all my cheerful dinner guests.

But in this life, faking Pinterest-style perfection is exhausting. Instead, I’ve started getting to know my personal energy levels and choosing my daily activities based on how much “gas” is in my tank. I want to be a hustler and say yes to everything, but I have to know if today is a day where taking care of myself also means taking a nap.

3. I’m great at telling someone else, “Go love yourself.” Now I need to take my own advice.

I could have written those articles about 100 ways to change your life. I might even inspire you to learn to love yourself because I’m a champ at doling out expert advice. But taking my own advice is an entirely different game.

Whenever I feel like stuffing my emotions away with dozens of Oreos, I remind myself that I’m committed to living out what I write.

Photo via iStock.

I want you to read who I am on the screen and then meet the same person in real life.

4. I’m addicted to someone else’s addiction. I probably need to implement my own recovery plan.

Honest moment: I’m afraid of what my life would look like without the rush of implementing great recovery plans for someone else, like my dad who struggles with addiction.

But truthfully, I know that self-care starts with putting my whole self first. I’m learning how to make my own recovery plans, including a rush of adrenaline while working out to the perfect pump-up playlist.

5. “It is what it is” helps me move forward.

I picked up on this phrase as a little girl, and for me, it became one of those sayings your kid repeats in the backseat so many times you wish they’d never heard it.

Believing in change requires a huge shift in my stale and stubborn mind, but remembering that “it is what it is” allows me to recognize what I can’t control and then focus on what I can.

6. I will learn to trust that good things can actually stick.

This is kind of the idea that every good book comes to an end. I always wonder: Why should I fall in love with these characters when they’re going to leave me on the last page anyways? I think this has a lot to do with my dad’s story and growing up with an alcoholic parent.

Instead, I have to work on trusting in chapters of goodness, like when joining a book club is fulfilling and reading a book gives me happiness in the moment — it’s not just a countdown until our relaxing times together end.

7. I’ll figure out how I like my eggs or other little things about my identity.

In the movie “Runaway Bride,” Julia Roberts’ character has a father who drinks too much. She lost her identity in the process of trying to save him, so she always just likes whatever kind of eggs her boyfriend at the time liked.

Photo via iStock.

Self-care requires knowing what would help me. I can’t love myself if I’ve never taken the time to figure out who I am. It turns out I like my eggs over easy. Like my grandma always said, “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”

8. Life doesn’t have to feel so serious.

I picked up a briefcase around the age of 10, and the weight of the world felt comfortable in my little hands. I made myself grow up too quickly, mostly so I could stay out of the way and not make any more waves.

But I think I missed the step where you roll down the hill and get grass stains, so sometimes it’s hard as an adult to kick back and get a good belly laugh. I forget that life is more than filing my taxes while sitting up straight in my leather chair. When I know I need a deep laugh, I go out to dinner with a friend who knows me to my core and can pull out a memory that leaves me sculpting those six-pack abs.

9. I’ve made it a habit to expect the worst. And, you know what they say: Old habits die hard.

I’ve come to expect disappointment to walk through the door. Hearts have this crazy power to shape habits. And broken hearts have this bad habit of wanting to stay broken.

Sometimes I think that stories about miracles and people overcoming adversities are only written about other people, and quotes that tell me to OVERCOME just annoy me. That’s just not me. Making it a habit to expect good things to happen will start with believing with my whole heart that I actually deserve good things. For me, I go for a walk and listen to audiobooks that encourage me and keep my mind from wandering to self-destructing places.

10. I’ll stop waiting for someone else to bring me flowers.

This past year, I had a roommate who nurtured her plants every day. This felt completely foreign to me. But when someone told me to go buy flowers for myself and make it a habit to care for those flowers, I started thinking about it differently.

Image via iStock.

In fact, this is one of those cliches that actually kind of works for me. I never realized how much I was sitting back and waiting for someone to knock on my door and deliver beauty on a silver platter. Inviting beauty into my daily life takes effort and patience and persistence. But one day at a time, I’m learning how to water these flowers and watch them grow.

11. Learning to love myself will require repetition over time to make it a new daily habit.

Over time, I’ve caught this heart bug where I tell myself I’m not worthy of a life where I love myself and love my life. I want to check off every single item on the list of 101 ways to change my life instead of trying to make one new self-care habit that I can actually stick to.

So my advice? Just do one thing. Because one small thing — not 100 — can help change one day. And one day at a time, that’s enough.

I want to learn to love myself and make self-care a priority.

I want to be addicted to love, like the good kind of habits and the real kinds of love.

For today, though, I’ll reflect on taking one little step at a time while reading on the toilet. Realistically, that one step for me is probably dancing to a new Katy Perry song: “I won’t just survive. Oh, you will see me thrive.”

Don’t judge 🙂

  • The 1 mistake grandparents who don’t see their grandkids enough make with their daughter-in-law
    Maria DeLorenzo discusses the MIL/DIL dynamic. Photo credit: @mommom.maria/Instagram

    A grandmother’s candid take on family dynamics is getting people talking, and for many, nodding in agreement. After noticing a recurring question from frustrated grandparents online, one woman decided to address a sensitive topic head-on: why grandchildren often seem to spend more time with their mother’s side of the family.

    In a recent Instagram reel, Maria DeLorenzo, 59, responded to a wave of comments, particularly from mothers-in-law (MIL), wondering how to “counteract” what feels like an uneven relationship. Her answer was simple but eye-opening.

    “Kids live their lives in proximity to their parents,” she said, implying that they’re often closer to their mother. As a result, if grandparents on the father’s side don’t try to “cultivate” a relationship with the mom, aka the daughter-in-law (DIL), they may have fewer opportunities to see their grandchildren as a consequence.

    “It’s not rocket science,” she added. “That’s all there is to it…so choose.”

    That opinion is shared by Cheryl Groskopf, a holistic therapist at Evolution to Healing.

    “It’s important to understand that grandparent relationships usually grow out of the parent relationship first,” Groskopf said. “A child’s primary sense of safety runs through their parent—especially early on. So if a mother feels supported, respected, and emotionally safe with a grandparent…the most effective mindset shift is understanding that connection with the grandchild comes through connection with the parent.”

    Video sparks thoughtful debate

    The Instagram video drew more than 100,000 views and sparked a thoughtful discussion in the comments.

    Many parents shared personal experiences that supported DeLorenzo’s perspective. However, others felt it was an “outdated” view of MIL/DIL dynamics and argued that both the DIL and the son share responsibility for cultivating closeness.

    Even Groskopf agreed that “DILs can also be intentional about creating space for connection. Many grandparents are trying to figure out what their role is in a new family system. Small gestures like sharing updates, inviting them into moments with the child, and acknowledging their excitement about being a grandparent can go a long way toward building safe and supportive relationships.”

    No matter how you slice it, effort and intention from all sides seem to be necessary ingredients for building relationships.

    What a grandparent can do to build a relationship

    Here are some helpful ideas, courtesy of certified parent coach Sari Goodman

    1. Ask the parents, “How can I help?” and then follow through.
    2. Show up without judgment. Your grandkids may not be raised the way you would raise them, but it’s best to keep that to yourself.
    3. Show up with compliments. Notice something the parents do well and share the observation. When the grandkids do something brilliant, adorable, or sweet, point it out.
    4. Follow the rules the parents have established. If, for example, the children aren’t allowed to have sugar, don’t give it to them.
    5. Compliment the DIL’s parents. Did they bring the grandchildren a clever toy? Tell them. Do they have a method for getting the grandchildren into the car calmly? Say you want to learn from them.

    What a DIL can do to cultivate a relationship

    @heyjanellemarie

    Getting On the Same Page ✅ Honestly regardless of age, both parties should always be coming to any relationship with the intention and expextation for mutual respect. But noting that just because a Daughter-In-Law or future daughter-in-law isn’t a child and is in fact a grown person may help guide the approach you take as a parent of an adult or MIL. #relationshipbuilding #healthyrelationships #inlawrelationships #toxicmil #toxicdil #toxicinlaws #mutualrespect #mutualbenefit #opencommunication #effectivecommunication

    ♬ original sound – Janelle Marie

    Here are some helpful ideas from Goodman:

    1. Ask for help. Grandparents want to feel needed. Raising kids is hard. It’s a win-win.
    2. Ask grandparents for their opinion once in a while.
    3. Ask grandparents how things were done when you were a child.
    4. Be clear about the rules and policies you have established for your family.
    5. If the grandparents are babysitting, be sure to show them where the drinks and snacks are.
    6. If the grandparents are babysitting over a mealtime, have a meal prepared for them to eat.
    7. Compliment their grandparenting skills.

    Bottom line: all relationships take work. And very often, whether it’s with grandparents or within friendship circles, that effort pays off exponentially.

  • Mom took her teenage son to the ER, and the doctor seriously doubted their relationship
    A young mom with her kids in the ER.Photo credit: Coffe4LifeSage/TikTok

    Sage Pasch’s unique family situation has attracted a lot of attention recently. The 20-something mother of 2 shared a 6-second TikTok video on September 29 that has been viewed over 48 million times because it shows how hard it can be for young moms to be taken seriously.

    In the video, the young-looking Pasch took her son Nick to the ER after he injured his leg at school. But when the family got to the hospital, the doctor couldn’t believe Pasch was his mother.

    “POV, we’re at the ER, and the doctor didn’t believe I was the parent,” she captioned the post.

    Pasch and her fiancé , Luke Faircloth, adopted the teen in 2022 after his parents tragically died two years apart. “Nick was already spending so much time with us, so it made sense that we would continue raising him,” Pasch told Today.com.

    The couple has two sons together, including toddler Laith, and is now a family of five.

    Pasch says that people are often taken aback by her family when they are out in public. “Everybody gets a little confused because my fiancé and I are definitely younger to have a teenager,” she said. “It can be very frustrating.”

    It may be hard for the young parents to be taken seriously, but their story has made a lot of people in a similar situation feel seen. “Omg, I feel this. I took my son to the ER, and they asked for the guardian. Yes, hi, that’s me,” Brittany wrote in the comments. “Meee with my teenager at a parent-teacher conference. They think I’m her older sister and say we need to talk with your parents,” KatMonroy added.

    This article originally appeared last year.

  • Her husband got kissed by a stranger at a bar. Her response got more criticism than the woman who did it.
    A man and a woman talk at a barPhoto credit: Canva
    ,

    Her husband got kissed by a stranger at a bar. Her response got more criticism than the woman who did it.

    A night out in Los Angeles turned into a debate about consent, boundaries, and what it actually means to keep your cool.

    When a drunk woman grabbed her husband’s face and kissed him at a Los Angeles bar, @toastedciabatta stayed cool. No confrontation, no scene. When the woman’s friend rushed over to apologize, she smiled and said, “He’s a hot guy, I get it.” Later, when their groups crossed paths again, she let it go entirely.

    She thought she’d handled it well. Then she went home and couldn’t stop replaying it.

    In a TikTok posted in late August, she walked through the whole night, explaining that as her husband stepped up to order drinks, a woman approached him, held his face, and tried to kiss him on the mouth. He turned away just in time, so it landed on his cheek. The woman walked off. A friend of hers spotted the wife nearby and immediately started apologizing. The wife, not wanting to embarrass anyone, kept things light. The friend apologized again, explaining that her friend was very drunk. The wife told her not to worry about it.

    @rjchild

    Is there a “right” way to handle something like that? Did I completely miss my shining opportunity for a justified bar brawl?! #storytime #fypage #dramatiktok #couples #relationships

    ♬ original sound – RJ

    But something about the moment stuck. Not because she wished she’d gotten angry, she made that clear, but because she felt she’d let something genuinely not okay just dissolve into the noise of a crowded bar. In the video, she said she imagined going back and calmly asking the woman if she remembered what she’d done, and making clear that kissing a stranger without their consent isn’t acceptable regardless of how much you’ve had to drink. “Is there a ‘right’ way to handle something like that?” she asked viewers. “Did I completely miss my shining opportunity for a justified bar brawl?”

    The internet had opinions, and they weren’t all what she might have expected. The Mary Sue covered the response, noting that while some viewers backed her composure, “Girl, you’re GENTLE PARENTING at a BAR???” became something of a rallying cry in the comments. A number of people pointed out that the real issue wasn’t how she handled a social awkwardness but that her husband had been kissed without his consent, full stop, and that framing it as a question of her reaction somewhat missed the point. “He was just assaulted in front of you,” one commenter wrote, “and you just asked like ‘you OK that was weird?’”

    Four women sitting at a bar
    Bar patrons drinking on a busy night. Photo credit: Canva

    Others pushed back on that framing, arguing that the woman was clearly too drunk to have a meaningful conversation and that nothing said in that moment would have landed anyway. “That is a conversation she needs while sober,” one user noted.

    A smaller contingent said they would have handled it very differently. “I probably would not have been that understanding,” wrote @brooklynn_beast. “I’d start swinging.” @birdmo_k was more measured: “It’s assault. I would have called security.”

    The split in the comments is the real story. Most people watching agreed the kissing woman was wrong. What divided them was whether a calm non-reaction is grace under pressure or something closer to normalizing behavior that shouldn’t be normalized.

    For more videos like this, you can follow @toastedsourdoug on TikTok.

    This article originally appeared earlier this year.

  • A mom noticed her dog acting strange around her son for days. His explanation left her speechless.
    A young boy plays with his dogPhoto credit: Canva

    Annie noticed her dog acting strange on a Saturday and spent the better part of the weekend trying to figure out what was wrong with him.

    The dog had become completely fixated on her son, following him from room to room, nudging him, hovering nearby. “Like Velcro,” as Annie, who posts on Threads as @annie.wade00, put it. She ran through the usual checklist: was he limping? Off his food? Showing any signs of pain? Nothing. He seemed physically fine. He just wouldn’t leave her son alone. “I thought the dog was sick or something was wrong with him,” she wrote in a post that has since racked up more than 21,000 likes, comments and shares.

    After a few days of watching the behavior continue, she finally asked her son if he had noticed the dog “acting weird.” That’s when the real story came out.

    Young child walking the dog. Photo credit: Canva

    Her son told her he had been under serious stress about an upcoming school presentation. He’d been losing sleep, replaying worst-case scenarios, dreading the moment he’d have to stand up in front of his classmates. He hadn’t said much about it to anyone. The dog, it turned out, had been responding to something her son had been quietly carrying for days.

    “Now my son says having the dog nearby actually helps him feel calmer,” Annie wrote. “Animals pick up on things we don’t talk about. Sometimes they’re better at checking in than I am.”

    A frollicking dog running with its rope toy. Photo credit: Canva

    The story landed because so many people recognized it. In the comments, readers shared their own versions. One person described how their dog, Snoopy, grabbed a sock and hid under the bed the morning they were scheduled for cancer surgery. He had never stolen a sock before, and never did it again. “He knew I was anxious that morning and was trying to keep me home,” they wrote.

    As Newsweek reported, animal behavior expert Kate LaSala said none of this is really surprising from a scientific standpoint. “Dogs are also very attuned to routines and our own emotions,” LaSala said. “They have evolved to be especially good at reading our body language, much better than we are at reading theirs.” Stress and disrupted sleep both alter a person’s scent, their body language, and their daily patterns, and dogs register all of it. Research published in the journal Biology Letters backs this up, finding that dogs can integrate visual and auditory cues to identify emotional states in both humans and other dogs, an ability researchers described as previously known only in humans.

    This article originally appeared earlier this year.

  • Siblings rap version of ‘The Little Mermaid’ song has people hooked
    Siblings perform their unique rap version of a song from "The Little Mermaid."Photo credit: Tara Annan/Instagram
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    Siblings rap version of ‘The Little Mermaid’ song has people hooked

    “This is a Grammy-level performance in the world of ‘mom look at this!'”

    It was just an average Friday night for Tara Annan and her family of seven. Everyone was enjoying downtime in the living room when suddenly the two youngest kids created a unique spin on a Disney musical classic. The world took notice.

    Cohen, who goes by the nickname Buggy, stands casually next to his older sister, Joee (pronounced Joey). In a light purple shirt, Joee begins to set the beat while singing, “Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?”

    The Little Mermaid

    The song the kids are singing/rapping is “Part of Your World” from the hit movie The Little Mermaid. (Alan Menken composed the music, and Howard Ashman provided the lyrics.) It’s a beautiful, swooning ballad and a pivotal part of the musical. For those unaware, the story centers around a lovely redheaded mermaid named Ariel. She gets a glimpse of life on land, and she wants in.

    In the song, Ariel admits to herself that no matter how wonderful her world is under the sea, she wants more: “I’ve got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. I’ve got whosits and whatsits galore. Want thingamabobs? I’ve got twenty. But who cares? No big deal. I want more…”

    So of course the song deserves a hype man. That’s where Buggy comes in. Clad in his signature glasses and plaid pants, he begins his interpretive dance, adding in ridiculously hilarious sound effects and dance moves. The best part? The siblings just play off one another, as though they’re an old Vaudeville act that’s been doing it for ages.

    A musical family

    Upworthy had a chance to chat with Annan, a busy mom of five, who shared what her family’s typical weekends look like.

    “I didn’t cook that night so we all were hanging out in the living room after our DoorDash,” she says.

    She admits that having five kids creates a rather bustling energy:

    “We are a very loud bunch. We love music. Either my kids are making up their own beats or we have music on. We listen to all types of music. One thing I love is my home sets the tone for my kids to be themselves.”

    As for that particular song? “I just so happened to capture that little mix that night and the world loved it,” she says.

    The loving reaction

    This clip has over 850,000 likes on Instagram alone and more than 21,000 comments. One person jokingly writes that a “trap” version of the rendition would be done by rapper Lil Wayne—or, as they call him, “Lil Mermayne.”

    There are so many wholesome and funny comments pointing out the magic this family seems to have when creating together.

    “Imagine you tell your daughter to ‘go play with your little brother’ and 15 minutes later, they come down with this MASTERPIECE,” a commenter notes.

    Another commenter gives it the highest praise, writing, “This is a Grammy-level performance in the world of ‘mom look at this!’”

    Finally, this commenter shares that if they’d had these particular kids, they might have made different choices in life: “It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve watched this. If I knew this was guaranteed, I’d consider having kids.”

  • A dad was camping with his kids when a fellow camper slipped him this handwritten note
    A dad got a sweet note from a fellow father after camping with his kids.Photo credit: Canva, Note image via RCampR6/Reddit

    There are a lot of challenging things about being a parent; take your pick. The sleep deprivation, the overwhelming responsibility, the lack of free time. But truly, one of the hardest parts of being a parent is never being sure whether you’re doing a good job or totally bombing it. If you’re conscientious enough to even wonder if you’re a good parent, you probably are, but parenting entails a million little choices and interactions, and there’s always a lingering voice in your head saying, “What if you’re really screwing this whole thing up?”

    Reassurance and encouragement are always appreciated by parents, but not always received, which is why a note from one camping dad to another has people celebrating the kindness of anonymous strangers.

    “You are killing it as a dad.”

    Someone on Yosemite Reddit thread shared a photo of a handwritten note with the caption, “To the man who left this thoughtful note on my windshield at Lower Pines Campground this weekend, I extend my heartfelt gratitude; your acknowledgment of my efforts to be a good father means a great deal to me.”

    The note reads:

    “Bro,

    I camped in the spot behind you last night. Let me just say, you are killing it as a dad. First off, I watched your wife guide you in as you backed up your trailer and nailed it on the first try without any yelling. Then your kids unloaded from the truck and were mild-mannered and well behaved. You told stories around the campfire and I had the pleasure of listening to the sounds of giggles and laughter.

    From one dad to another, you are killing it. Keep it up.

    P.S. Whatever you cooked for dinner smelled delicious!”

    How often do we share these thoughts with strangers, even if we have them? And who wouldn’t love to get a surprise bit of praise with specific examples of things we did right?

    Everyone needs to hear a compliment once in a while.

    dads, giving men compliments, fatherhood, camping, camping with kids
    A handwritten note with the words Photo credit: Canva

    So many people found the note to be a breath of fresh air and a good reminder to compliment people when we feel the urge:

    “That would make any daddy’s eyes water.”

    “It’s always nice, as a guy, to get a compliment.”

    “I complimented a guy’s glasses at work (I’m also a guy, and btw they were really cool glasses, I wasn’t just being nice) and now he keeps trying to tell me where he got his glasses and how I should get some. But I’m just having to be polite because I already have glasses and I’m not in the market. I finally had to tell him I’m not going to buy them lmao I just like them on him.

    Made me feel like that’s the first compliment he’s had in years because he can’t stop talking about it. Also I mainly liked the glasses because I think he’s cute but he really thinks it’s just the glasses haha jokes on him that cute bastard.””I was in the store with my wife and one of our ‘adopted nephews’ yesterday (we’re close friends with his parents and we’ve known him and his brother since they were newborns and 2yo, respectively). A woman came up to me at checkout while my wife was running out to the car and said ‘I’m not sure what your family relationship is here, but I just have to tell you how nice and refreshing it is to hear all the laughter and joy from the 3 of you. You both seem like such a good influence on him and it warms my heart.’ It’s such a small thing but as a dude, I can’t remember the last time someone gave me a compliment in public and it made my freaking day.”

    “10/10 letter. The and not yelling part gave me a good chuckle lol.”

    “We need so much more of men getting such heartfelt and sincere compliments. Thanks for sharing. ❤️”

    dads, giving men compliments, fatherhood, camping, camping with kids

    A man smiling Photo credit: Canva

    “I’ve never considered leaving a note, but when I see a harmonious family with good parenting, it’s healing for me. My childhood was awful.”

    “Such an awesome compliment! Even though I don’t have children myself, I like to remind my friends too that they’re doing great & it brings them happy tears.”

    “This made me cry. I love that you are getting your ‘flowers.’ My dad sucked, I’m so glad you are one of the good ones.”

    “This made me cry too. It’s so hard to be a human. Let alone a parent. Getting a good job sticker every now and then really means a lot these days.”

    “I’m a big bearded guy and I would cry if I got this note. More people like this, please.”

    The best part of this story is that no one knows who the dad who wrote the note is, not even the dad who shared it. It wasn’t written for clout or notoriety, it wasn’t to get attention or make himself look good. No name or signature, just an anonymous act of kindness to uplift a stranger whether he needed it or not.

    dads, giving men compliments, fatherhood, camping, camping with kids

    A dad with his kid on his shoulders Photo credit: Canva

    We all need to hear or read kind things said about us, and sometimes it means even more coming from an anonymous stranger who has nothing to gain by sharing. A good reminder to share it when you feel it—you never know how many people you may move and inspire.

    This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

  • How the simple 5:1 rule helps parents stop their kids’ rude behavior
    An angry girl and her mother.Photo credit: Canva
    ,

    How the simple 5:1 rule helps parents stop their kids’ rude behavior

    “A strong, nurturing relationship also reduces the need for children to act out to gain attention.”

    No child is perfect, and they are all bound to show some sass from time to time with a rude comment or by rolling their eyes when you speak to them. As parents, it’s our job to understand where those behaviors come from and stop them before they become ingrained parts of their personalities. A kid who’s rude at home may grow up to be the guy who gets fired for mouthing off at work.

    Experts say one of the most effective ways for parents to prevent kids from being rude is to inoculate them with positivity. It’s called the 5:1 method, originally developed by famed psychologist John Gottman for couples, and it’s been found to work well with kids, too. The tactic is pretty simple: For every negative comment you make about your child, say five positive things.

    parents, child, argument, rude child, coloring,
    A mother scolds her daughter. Photo credit: Canva

    What is the 5:1 method for raising children?

    Jennifer Wallace, author of Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose, explained the method on an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast:

    “Criticism impacts our kids up to five times more than a compliment does. We are wired as parents to look for the negative and to try to help our kids overcome the negative. But really, what we need to do to have that kind of connection is we need to focus on the positive things that are inherent about them. What is it about them that’s unique? For every one criticism, I need to at least have five positive interactions with my kids.”

    @melrobbins

    “If you want to be closer with your kids, this one’s for you. In this eye-opening episode, Jennifer Wallace shares the 5 to 1 Parenting Rule and delves into the pressure of “toxic achievement” that can leave you feeling like you’re never doing enough 👇 “Never Enough: 7 Ways to Protect Yourself (and Your Kids) From Toxic Pressure” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #changeyourlife #mindset #createabetterlife #takecontrol #motivation #melrobbinspodcast #podcast #podcastclips #parentingadvice parenting”

    ♬ original sound – Mel Robbins

    When kids feel safe and supported by positive interactions, they don’t feel the need to act out to get attention.

    “A strong, nurturing relationship also reduces the need for children to act out to gain attention,” Dr. Carla C. Allan, a clinical psychologist, told Parents. “When attention is offered freely and consistently, behavior is less likely to escalate into attempts to be noticed.”

    Constant positive attention can also improve how your child talks to themselves.

    “This commentary gets internalized as their inner voice,” Olivia Bergeron, a psychotherapist, told Parents. “If it’s consistently [empathetic], kids will develop resiliency and better weather the inevitable mistakes that happen.”

    parent, child, nurturing, hug, artwork, beads
    A mother hugs her daughter. Photo credit: Canva

    Five ways to practice the 5:1 method

    1. Point out positive behaviors

    If your child is struggling with their homework, you might say, “I saw how you hung in there and made it through your math, even though it was tough.”

    2. Create meaningful moments

    Take time out of your day to play a card game with your child or go out into the yard and play catch. Make sure to read together every day and spend time chatting when you can, undistracted by technology.

    3. Practice empathy

    Validate their emotions when they are frustrated or hurt. “I understand that you’re feeling upset right now” goes a lot further than “Brush it off.”

    4. Provide positive reinforcement

    Give your child immediate praise whenever they exhibit a positive behavior. Tell them things like, “Great job for remembering to close the bathroom door,” or “I like how you are cooperating with your sister.”

    5. Give physical affection

    Whenever you hold your child’s hand, hug them, or sit close to them, oxytocin—the bonding hormone—is released, bringing you closer together.

  • Tearful 8-year-old girl has a beautiful reaction to breaking a taekwondo board
    Ellie Park breaks a board at American Tigers in Mission Viejo, California.Photo credit: American Tigers Mission Viejo (used with permission)
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    Tearful 8-year-old girl has a beautiful reaction to breaking a taekwondo board

    There is no better feeling than confronting your fears head-on and overcoming them, especially when you feel like the odds are stacked against you. That’s why a video from American Tigers, a martial arts school in Mission Viejo, California, is so powerful.  Eight-year-old Elizabeth “Ellie” Park was shaking in fear as she approached her teacher,…

    There is no better feeling than confronting your fears head-on and overcoming them, especially when you feel like the odds are stacked against you. That’s why a video from American Tigers, a martial arts school in Mission Viejo, California, is so powerful. 

    Eight-year-old Elizabeth “Ellie” Park was shaking in fear as she approached her teacher, who was holding a practice board she was supposed to break with her foot. The day before, she had failed to break the boards, and her first attempt in front of a large crowd was unsuccessful.

    “On the day of testing, she stared at the board shaking in fear for about a minute,” Ethan Shin, head instructor of American Tigers, told USA Today. “We had her take a break, and called her up a second time.”

    Ellie’s incredible achievement

    Then, on her third attempt, she broke the board with her right foot. After her tremendous accomplishment, she stood at attention, and then she just couldn’t resist giving her teacher a big hug. After regaining her composure, she broke another board and returned to sit with the rest of her class.

    “She was shaking in fear from failing on the practice boards the day before. She chose to be brave, face her fears head-on, and overcame them,” American Tigers wrote in an Instagram post. They added, “When you fail. Find the courage in yourself to try again. Be proud of your accomplishments. And take time to celebrate your wins.”

    One of the commenters perfectly summed up how Ellie felt after successfully striking the board: “There’s a moment when her heart wants to hug her teacher, but ‘custom’ makes her hesitate…until.”

    It’s a wonderful moment where everyone took a break from the discipline of the martial art to express joy, gratitude, and a sense of achievement.

    taekwondo, taekwondo kick, martial arts, martial arts practice, high kick,
    A man practicing taekwondo. Photo credit: Canva

    “One of the things I miss most about teaching taekwondo is making this kind of impact on students. Not just teaching skills, but courage and confidence,” one of the commenters wrote.

    “This teacher is so beautiful. To be a safe space where she can find support and regain her confidence. Wow,” another added.

    Martial arts are great for a child’s development

    taekwondo, martial arts, kids martial arts, fists, martial arts practice
    Children learning taekwondo. Photo credit: Canva

    The video is a wonderful example of the benefits of teaching kids martial arts. Martial arts teach kids to focus on individual growth rather than competition and help them develop greater self-control and discipline. It’s also a great way for them to learn and appreciate structure.

    “Martial arts is a good way to get kids more physically active and fit, and help them develop healthy exercise habits that will last a lifetime,” Cynthia LaBella, MD, from the American Academy of Pediatrics, told Colorado Parent in 2016.

    Ellie’s achievement is a wonderful example of how, when we find calm and composure, we can not only confront our fears but defeat them. It’s moments like that that show why martial arts can make a big difference in a child’s life. They build confidence, resilience, and the courage to keep going, even when it feels like the odds aren’t in your favor.

    Learn more about taekwondo at the American Tigers school in Mission Viejo, California.

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