Are you ever in social situations where the conversation drags and you’re not sure what to do about it? Is it that the other person isn’t engaging, or is it that you’re not interesting? Social anxiety might have you questioning everything in these moments, but what if there were skills you could learn to make conversations more fun for everyone involved, including you?
Charisma on Commandshared a video on YouTube outlining five mistakes people make in conversations that make them seem boring, and five things to do instead that make them more fun to talk to.
The video offers specific examples from celebrity interviews for each of these mistakes and fixes, but here’s the gist:
Mistake #1: Energy ducking
“Energy ducking is when you come into a conversation with low enthusiasm to avoid standing out,” the video states. “The problem is when you make your main focus not standing out, you avoid making a negative or positive impression.”
In other words, you’re bringing nothing fun to the conversation, and most people want to have fun when they talk to others.
Be the first to add playfulness to the conversation. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #1: Be playful
It’s not like you need a super interesting life or amazing stories to make a conversation engaging. You just need to bring a sense of playfulness to it.
“By far the easiest way to initiate playfulness in your life is after you’ve been asked a question,” the video says. “To do so, just answer with an absurd, non-literal answer.”
That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually answer the person’s question.
“It’s just about setting a fun, playful tone first,” the video points out. “Another perk of being playful is it’s very likely that the other person will match you and be playful as well.”
Mistake #2: Assuming interest
If you’ve ever been in a conversation where someone talks on and on about something you have no interest in, you know the urge to escape. Don’t assume people will share your interests or enjoy your out-of-context stories.
Create interest in a story before telling it. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #2: Create interest with a “story gap”
“A story gap is when you build interest in a story by hinting at how it ends without spoiling the punchline,” the video states.
One example the video shares is when comedian Kevin Hart was asked about his relationship with basketball legend Michael Jordan. He responded, “I’ve run into Mike a couple of times. Mike still might be mad at me. True story.”
Now we know something happened between Kevin and Mike that ticked Mike off, but we don’t know what. That piques our interest in hearing the story, because we know enough about the ending to want the details.
Mistake #3: Giving bland, short answers
“If you regularly find conversation stalls after you’ve been asked a question, you may be giving bland one- to five-word answers,” the video states. “A bland answer doesn’t set the other person up with anything to say back…short answers put the conversational pressure on the other person. Now they have to carry the conversation or else let it fall into awkward silence.”
Expanding on simple answers makes for better conversation. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #3: Share enough to make the conversation easy for the other person
This doesn’t mean you should ramble on and on in your answers. Rather than answering in the briefest way possible, add a little detail.
For example, let’s say someone asks where you’re from. You might say, “Chicago,” or even, “I grew up in Chicago.” But that doesn’t give much. You could instead say, “I grew up on the north side of Chicago in an area called Rogers Park. It was an interesting place, because Rogers Park is on the lower end of the socioeconomic spectrum, but just north of it are very wealthy suburbs. That made it a pretty interesting place to grow up.”
An answer like that gives the person a lot to respond to.
Mistake #4: Asking the same boring, default questions
Asking questions is a great way to engage in conversation, but not all questions are created equal. “Where are you from?” is fine, but most people have been asked that a million times.
asking good questions is fun. answering good questions is fun. when both people are having fun, the conversation gets very good. we all enjoy being prompted. you can penetrate to someone’s deepest essence by asking attentive questions, by tugging loose threads they reveal to you.— Isabel🌻 (@isabelunraveled) December 15, 2024
Trick #4: Ask something that the other person will be excited to answer
It takes more thought to come up with interesting questions, so watching people who are masters at it can help. Examples from the video come largely from Sean Evans, the host of Hot Ones. While his celebrity guests eat wings with increasingly spicy hot sauce, he asks questions about their lives and careers.
“He specifically focuses on asking questions about his guests’ passions or that let them reflect on things they’re proud of,” the video points out. “He also avoids the questions they’ve likely been asked a hundred times in interviews before. And you can see the reactions it gets him.”
A helpful tip for this trick, especially if you don’t know much about the person, is to ask hypothetical questions: “If you had to give away a million dollars tomorrow, who would you give it to?” or “If you had total power over the Internet, what’s the first thing you’d change about it?”
Mistake #5: Being a passive listener
Passive listeners listen but don’t react. That can make a conversation feel really boring, even when you aren’t saying anything. People want to feel that the other person is an active participant in the conversation, even when they’re not talking.
Mirroring is one of my favorite nonverbal cues, it’s a great way to build instant connection. Try subtle mirrors to show warmth and understanding next time you’re in conversation! @MasterClass#MasterClasspic.twitter.com/eXHkEFFHzE— Vanessa Van Edwards (@vvanedwards) October 22, 2025
Trick #5: Mirroring and listening to laugh
There are actually two tricks to fix the passive listening problem. One is to mirror the person speaking by reflecting their behavior or repeating something they said. For instance, if they’re nodding while telling a story, you can nod along. If they tell you they dropped their phone in a snowbank, you might respond, “In a snowbank? No!”
Laughter can also be a great way to show interest and bring fun into a conversation. Get comfortable laughing when you genuinely find something funny.
“It’s important to note here the goal is not to fake laugh,” the video states. “Instead, you want to cultivate the ability to laugh freely whenever you do find something funny, rather than censor your laughter like most people do, limiting it to a quick chuckle or even just an exhale.”
Conversation skills come as second nature to some people while others have to consciously hone them. The good news is you don’t have to implement all of these tricks in every conversation. Try focusing on one or two that feel most doable for you and see if they help make conversing a more enjoyable experience.
A single door can open up a world of endless possibilities. For homeowners, the front door of their house is a gateway to financial stability, job security, and better health. Yet for many, that door remains closed. Due to the rising costs of housing, 1 in 3 people around the world wake up without the security of safe, affordable housing.
Since 1976, Habitat for Humanity has made it their mission to unlock and open the door to opportunity for families everywhere, and their efforts have paid off in a big way. Through their work over the past 50 years, more than 65 million people have gained access to new or improved housing, and the movement continues to gain momentum. Since 2011 alone, Habitat for Humanity has expanded access to affordable housing by a hundredfold.
A world where everyone has access to a decent home is becoming a reality, but there’s still much to do. As they celebrate 50 years of building, Habitat for Humanity is inviting people of all backgrounds and talents to be part of what comes next through Let’s Open the Door, a global campaign that builds on this momentum and encourages people everywhere to help expand access to safe, affordable housing for those who need it most. Here’s how the foundation to a better world starts with housing, and how everyone can pitch in to make it happen.
Volunteers raise a wall for the framework of a new home during the first day of building at Habitat for Humanity’s 2025 Carter Work Project.
Globally, almost 3 billion people, including 1 in 6 U.S. families, struggle with high costs and other challenges related to housing. A crisis in itself, this also creates larger problems that affect families and communities in unexpected ways. People who lack affordable, stable housing are also more likely to experience financial hardship in other areas of their lives, since a larger share of their income often goes toward rent, utilities, and frequent moves. They are also more likely to experience health problems due to chronic stress or environmental factors, such as mold. Housing insecurity also goes hand-in-hand with unstable employment, since people may need to move further from their jobs or switch jobs altogether to offset the cost of housing.
Affordable homeownership creates a stable foundation for families to thrive, reducing stress and increasing the likelihood for good health and stable employment. Habitat for Humanity builds and repairs homes with individual families, but it also strengthens entire communities as well. The MicroBuild® Initiative, for example, strengthens communities by increasing access to loans for low-income families seeking to build or repair their homes. Habitat ReStore locations provide affordable appliances and building materials to local communities, in addition to creating job and volunteer opportunities that support neighborhood growth.
Marsha and her son pose for a photo while building their future home with Southern Crescent Habitat for Humanity in Georgia.
Everyone can play a part in the fight for housing equity and the pursuit of a better world. Over the past 50 years, Habitat for Humanity has become a leader in global housing thanks to an engaged network of volunteers—but you don’t need to be skilled with a hammer to make a meaningful impact. Building an equitable future means calling on a wide range of people and talents.
Here’s how you can get involved in the global housing movement:
Speaking up on social media about the growing housing crisis
Volunteering on a Habitat for Humanity build in your local community
Travel and build with Habitat in the U.S. or in one of 60+ countries where we work around the globe
Join the Let’s Open the Door movement and, when you donate, you can create your own personalized door
Every action, big and small, drives a global movement toward a better future. A safe home unlocks opportunity for families and communities alike, but it’s volunteers and other supporters, working together with a shared vision, who can open the door for everyone.
Having a healthy communication style isn’t just about how you speak. It’s how you listen and perceive the other person or people to whom you’re talking. Knowing the strengths (and sometimes more importantly, the weaknesses) they might bring to a conversation can often help produce a better outcome.
Licensed therapist Jason VanRuler developed an efficient quiz to help people determine their communication style. After answering a short series of questions, an individual can find out if they lean toward the “peacemaker, the advocate, the harbor, the thinker, or the spark.” Of course, most of us don’t fit neatly into one box or another. To account for that, each archetype (to borrow Carl Jung’s term) is given a number, so one can see how they relate to each style.
In an Instagram Reel posted by VanRuler, he explains how essential mere perception can be. “You may think great communication is about saying the right thing, but it’s actually about knowing how to read the room. When something doesn’t land, we often blame the other person for not understanding, instead of asking how our message may not have connected with them. Different people process information differently, and ignoring that creates disconnect.”
How to reframe
There are ways in which he says a person can reframe. “What to Do About It: Shift your focus from ‘Why didn’t they get it?’ to ‘How can I say this in a way that connects with them?’ Pay attention to how people respond and adjust your approach accordingly. Great communicators don’t just express well, they adapt well.”
In the clip, he describes a time when he was giving a conference to a room full of accountants. “So I got up and I talked a lot about feelings, and I went really deep and got really emotional. And it was really, really quiet. And I left thinking, ‘what was wrong with the audience? Why didn’t they resonate with what I just said?’ But what I didn’t really think about is, what is it about what I just said that didn’t resonate with them?”
Learning your “style” can help facilitate better relationships through stronger communication. On VanRuler’s website, he explains who he’s attempting to help, writing, “Whether it’s leadership coaching, relationship building, couples therapy, addiction, trauma, or something different, my goal is the same: to speak truth and grace into every life I work with.”
“Strength: Creates peace and eases tension in difficult or trying moments. Opportunity: Can avoid necessary conflict, which delays resolution and repair.”
Advocate
“Strength: Focused on justice, fairness, and upholding morals; advocates for their beliefs. Opportunity: Can present as intense or overpowering, or advocate when it’s not needed.”
Thinker
“Strength: Focused on logic, thoughts, facts, and getting things correct. Opportunity: Can miss cues for feelings and appear distant or emotionally unavailable.”
Harbor
“Strength: Creates a safe space for others to go deep and talk about feelings and emotions. Opportunity: May struggle to express their own needs, communicate boundaries, or be the focal point of a conversation.”
Spark
“Strength: Brings lots of energy, creativity, and momentum to conversations. Opportunity: Can struggle with consistency and initiating difficult conversations.”
He makes it clear that understanding these “paths” is a great start to elevating a relationship, saying, “Each path speaks a different ‘language,’ and the more fluent you become in other styles, the better you can bridge the gap between you and the people you care about.”
In a culture obsessed with instant reactions, being a person who treads softly, asks pertinent questions, and is genuinely curious is an under-appreciated advantage. It can even feel like a flaw.
However, psychology keeps arriving at the same conclusion: the habits that make us feel awkward and out of place are actually signals of a sharper, more complex mind at work. Let’s walk through what that looks like in real life.
1. Hitting pause in a world that expects quick replies
You’re in an all-hands meeting. Someone asks a question, and the rest of the call quickly starts talking at once, voices overlapping. Everyone else seems to fire back instantly, and there you are, taking a visible beat that feels like an eternity. That pause can often be read as hesitation or timidness. Maybe even insecurity.
But here’s what’s actually happening: your brain is doing quality control.
In 2025, researchers found that people who paused briefly before answering were perceived as more confident, trustworthy, and competent than those who responded immediately. Instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, you pause, scan the situation, and test your thinking. Psychologists call this dual-processing reasoning, a slower and more deliberate way of reasoning. Think of it as a strength, not a delay: a built-in review process that helps you catch mistakes, sharpen your judgment, and make more reliable choices. In effect, you are double-checking the math before showing your work.
2. Why you can’t just “go with it”
Maybe this situation feels familiar: someone proposes a plan, and everyone else seems ready to move forward. Yet you still sense that something is off. Perhaps a step has been overlooked, the conclusion came too quickly, or an important risk has not been fully acknowledged. So, it makes sense to start by asking questions. Isn’t it natural to want to understand the why before agreeing to the what?
Suddenly you’re “difficult.” Or “negative.” Or “not a team player.” Underneath the labels lies a simple truth: your brain has a low tolerance for fuzzy reasoning. It can’t stand incomplete information. Psychologists link this to high cognitive complexity; you’re acutely aware of how many things can go wrong when the math doesn’t add up.
Your brain has a low tolerance for fuzzy logic. Canva
3. You watch the room before joining in
In group settings, you tend to hover on the edges first, never leaping headfirst into the conversation. You hang back, tracking carefully who interrupts whom; who laughs at what. You pay attention.
In reality, your brain is collecting data. Your working memory is taking in large quantities of information, some verbal, many not: tone, timing, body language, and power dynamics, to name a few. You’re the furthest thing from checked out. You’re loading. And the moment your brain finishes mapping the room, your moment arrives. You’re ready to step into the conversation.
4. You ask questions that feel obvious
If you’ve read this far, you may know that uneasy feeling when you raise your hand and say, “Sorry, just to make sure I understand—what exactly do you mean?”
This can feel like a declaration of incompetence. But people who are truly competent are very aware of what they know—and what they don’t. Refusing to assume is one of the clearest markers of mental acuity, according to the Dunner-Kruger effect. In psychology, it’s described as a cognitive bias in which people with lower skills or knowledge in a specific domain vastly overestimate their competence. To recognize your own gaps, you need a minimum level of that same knowledge. In simpler terms, you really don’t know what you don’t know.
5. You rehearse conversations before they happen
As we’ve already discussed, you don’t like to feel unprepared. So, you rehearse pretty much everything, like you’re starring in a very meta, very tedious play.
This can feel neurotic or exhausting. But it’s also incredibly sophisticated: you’re predicting how another person might think, feel, and respond before you walk into the moment. This is called predictive social modeling. It’s the mind’s ability to simulate what another person is likely thinking, feeling, or about to do based on what is already known about their traits, current state, and past behavior. In plain English, it means mentally running a social forecast: “If I say this, they’ll probably react that way,” or “They seem stressed, so this joke may not land well.”
6. Why your brain refuses to leave the meeting you exited an hour ago
The conversation is long over. You left the meeting room an hour ago. You’re literally at your desk, eating rice crackers, and drinking your afternoon coffee. So why does it feel like you’re still in that room?
Although not physically, mentally, you’re stuck there: rewinding a slightly off-color (or was it?) comment you made, wondering how you came off to everyone, and whether you’ll ever be truly understood by another person. ‘Was I too assertive?,’ you may ask yourself. Too soft? Too quiet? Did I take up too much room?
You may not know it, but post-event processing like this is a sign of high-self awareness. Your brain is running a highlight reel in slow motion, replaying what happened and grading it against a complex internal standard most people don’t catch. The upside is that this inventive mental system also helps you learn quickly and improve at a rapid pace. The downside? It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Turns out, that same mental system has a hard time distinguishing between “actual mistake” and “totally fine moment that nobody else noticed.” A good rule of thumb? You’re usually harder on yourself than the situation calls for.
This is what happens when your brain is built for depth. Canva
7. Small talk makes you want to climb out of your own skin
The weather. Weekend plans. “What do you do for work?” The latest in local sports (spoiler alert: they’re doing badly).
But give you a real topic to work with—one with substance—and it’s off to the races. You could talk for hours. This is what happens when your brain is built for depth. Psychologists call this a high need for cognition: you like thinking about big ideas, and shallow exchanges are genuinely under-stimulating. You’re not anti-social. You’re just waiting for substance.
8. You thrive in one-on-one conversations
Parties and big groups feel like a sporting event, or something like social juggling:
Whose turn is it to talk? Who hasn’t spoken yet? Why? What did that facial expression mean? Can I change the subject now?
But in one-on-one situations, when you sit across from another person who’s really just there with you, it’s like a new gear unlocks. You become a completely different version of yourself. While group settings demand social multitasking, one-on-one hangouts allow space for depth, nuance, and actual connection. Science says that highly intelligent people prefer this sort of deliberate, high-impact communication, with Jean Granneman, author of The Secret Lives of Introverts, explaining: “Happiness and meaningful interactions go hand-in-hand.”
9. You over-explain when something excites you
When you start talking about something you love, you tend to keep going. The excitement is real, and so is the instinct to follow every interesting tangent: right up until you notice the other person’s polite nod and realize you may have gone a bit farther than necessary.
Messages are carefully crafted in your notes app, where the other side can’t see your typing bubbles. You read your words back, editing, snipping, and reworking, as if you’re publishing a novel. And this was all for a simple, “You free Thursday?” text.
It’s easy to call this anxiety. And yes, sometimes it is. But underneath that is something else: you care how your words land. You understand that tiny shifts in phrasing can completely change the feeling on the other side of the screen. You want the person receiving your words to feel what you actually meant, not some clumsy, half–translated version of it.
It’s not a big deal, but you often feel just a little…out of step. Like, there’s a script everyone else got, and you’re left to improvise. You’re not anxious, exactly, nor unfriendly or shy. It’s difficult to explain.
All of this—the pausing, the scanning, the rehearsing, the replaying, the extra explaining, the little movements that keep you grounded—is work. Mentally, you’re doing gymnastics, but from the outside, that can read as quiet. Or a bit awkward. Or a bit “too much.”
You’re doing your best to move through the world thoughtfully, carefully, and with compassion. That isn’t a flaw you need to fix. It’s something meaningful to recognize, honor, and, yes, hold on to.
“Job treating you alright?” “Looks like this weekend is gonna be a real scorcher.” “That Cowboys game was outrageous.” These are some conversational snippets one might hear that could lead to immediate panic—that insufferable “small talk” lies ahead. But new research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychologyclaims that people actually like, and often benefit from, these kinds of conversations.
Researchers discovered that even though people reported not looking forward to “boring” conversations, a majority found them quite fun.
The team mixed and matched respondents to cover all bases. In one experiment, they observed conversations in which “one person finds the topic boring.” In another experiment, they created a situation where both participants “find the topic boring.” They also tested groups based on whether the participants were strangers or friends.
In a piece published by the American Psychological Association (APA), researchers reported that, after studying 1,800 participants, “people consistently underestimated how interesting and enjoyable conversations about boring topics would be.”
Some might question what topics are considered (potentially) “boring” in the first place:
“Topics were many and varied, including World Wars I and II, nonfiction books, the stock market, cats, and vegan diets. In some cases, participants were asked to suggest a topic they found boring (responses included such topics as math, onions and Pokemon).”
Elizabeth Trinh, a doctoral student at the University of Michigan and lead author of the study, said she was excited about the results.
“We were both surprised and excited by how robust the effect was,” she said. “People consistently expected conversations about seemingly boring topics to be less interesting than they turned out to be.”
“Serves a real purpose”
Upworthy spoke with licensed therapist Rebecca Tenzer, owner of Astute Counseling and Wellness Center. She explained why many of us feel anxious about so-called small talk, only to find it entertaining.
“While it gets dismissed a lot, small talk actually serves a real purpose when it comes to mental health,” Tenzer said. “These smaller, everyday interactions help people feel connected, acknowledged, important, and can even build self-esteem. Even if the conversation is simple or surface-level, there are meaningful impacts and a lot of gain.”
Tenzer also supported the idea that these micro-conversations, no matter the topic, have significant benefits.
“We’re seeing more evidence that even brief social exchanges can improve mood, teach social norms, and reduce feelings of loneliness,” she said. “Along with those interactions are often positive body language exchanges, smiles, and even laughter, all of which are happiness chemical hacks needed to boost mood.”
“Small talk acts as a low-pressure way to engage with others, which can help regulate the nervous system and make social interaction feel easier over time,” Tenzer added. “Not every conversation needs to be deep to have value. It’s nice to force yourself to slow down, take a minute to chit-chat, be in the moment, and stay present. It’s not a huge time commitment and often has lasting benefits throughout the day.”
“Predictable, consistent, and not threatening”
Lisa Chen, a licensed psychotherapist, concurred, telling Upworthy that these types of conversations can help put people at ease, even if they might not expect it.
“As a psychotherapist who works with high-achieving, often socially guarded clients, I see how ‘low-stakes’ interactions create a sense of safety in the body,” she said. “Even brief exchanges like saying ‘hello’ to the barista making your coffee or making casual conversation at work help remind our nervous system that the world is predictable, consistent, and not threatening.”
Chen says small talk can help lower anxiety.
“It lowers social anxiety over time, builds relational confidence, and gently reinforces that we belong in shared spaces,” she said. “But small talk isn’t just for those who struggle with social anxiety. It’s for everyone. Small talk strengthens our sense of belonging, improves our mood, and keeps us from becoming too transactional or isolated from others. It also softens intensity and creates moments of ease that prevent stress and burnout.”
We know that collectively performing under pressure requires some special qualities, but what are they? That’s the question NASA seeks to answer as it looks ahead to sending humans to Mars. When it comes to team dynamics, a small crew on a 10-day stint around the moon is one thing. A team stuck on a spaceship for months and living together on a planet two million miles from home is another.
NASA’s Human Research Program studies human behavior in teams to analyze the implications of long-duration space missions. After observing team dynamics and roles in groups in various studies, one delightful conclusion can be drawn.
Every team needs a clown.
NASA ran a study on a potential trip to Mars and found the most important trait for team dynamics was humor pic.twitter.com/tB3gQlKZPL
According to NASA, astronauts have returned from stints on the International Space Station and reported that humor played a critical role in diffusing tension between people working on the I.S.S. The same finding has come from research studies in analog environments. (Analogs are places like Antarctica, where the desolate and extreme environment somewhat mimics a place like Mars.)
“You need a clown on the team,” said Noshir Contractor, Ph.D., professor of behavioral sciences at Northwestern University. In other words, you need someone who can make their teammates laugh.
Contractor is conducting a study titled Crew Recommender for Effective Work in Space (CREWS). Using research data from an analog study, her team is developing a computer model to help select the best individuals to form a crew.
“We don’t have a perception that we’re going to tell them who to send on a mission,” Contractor said, according to NASA. “But if they have a collection of people, it will work like a weather forecast model. It’s a predictive model that says if you choose this particular crew, here is what you are likely to see in terms of team dynamics. And, if problems arise, here is how to intervene to ease those problems.”
Easing problems is one place where the clown plays an important role. Research shows that positive humor can increase communication and social support and create a pleasant environment. Most of us have experienced how a well-timed joke or witty response can stop tension in its tracks.
Tension often manifests physically. We feel it in our bodies when emotional stress is high. According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter can stimulate circulation and help muscles relax, easing some of the physical symptoms of stress. Laughter also releases endorphins that make us feel good and promote social bonding.
What about teams that aren’t in as extreme circumstances as going on a mission to Mars or wintering in Antarctica? Dr. Adil Dalal of the Forbes Coaches Council says humor has a “transformative power” that unlocks the ability to do serious work well in the professional world.
Photo credit: Canva – Laughing with your colleagues may help improve team performance.
“When we laugh, cortisol, the stress hormone that can narrow thinking and trigger defensive behavior, drops significantly,” writes Dalal. “Laughter also causes the release of dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins, which are associated with motivation and learning. In the workplace, this means that laughter can encourage new behaviors and insights. It can also strengthen trust, which is essential for psychological safety and sustained high performance among employees.”
So if you’re leading a team or part of a team that appears to be struggling, perhaps some clowning around is in order. As Dr. Dalal writes, “Fun is not the opposite of seriousness—it is the pathway to sustainable excellence.”
If NASA touts the vital role humor plays in teamwork and success, perhaps we all ought to give it a little more weight in our own teams.
We live in an age of conflict. Sharp political and social divides are everywhere, and while it’s easy to theoretically write off people who disagree with us on fundamental core issues and values, the reality is that we often must co-exist with them and learn to manage our conflicts in a healthy way. Sometimes that means putting aside our differences and “agreeing to disagree.” Something it means hashing them out.
The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.
Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict. Not surprisingly, she’s in high demand on news programs, conferences, and media summits these days.
How to have a constructive conversation
Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.
The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”
It shows genuine curiosity in their point of view. That’s critical to avoid someone shutting down on you.
Two men shake hands while a woman looks on. Photo credit: Canva
When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.
It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.
Look out for signs of defensiveness like blaming, criticizing, making excuses, or being passive-aggressive. These are warning signals that your conversation is veering off the rails.
Phrases you can use to avoid an argument
The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”
Here are some other phrases you can use:
“I wonder if…”
“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”
“I might be wrong, but…”
“How funny! I had a different reaction…”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”
“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”
Two men high-fiving one another. Photo credit: Canva
What’s the best way to disagree with people?
A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.
“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing professor Matthew Fisher at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.
The key words are “willing” and “genuine.” These phrases aren’t magic bullets designed to help you level your opponents. You have to actually, truly be willing to learn about their perspective and be open to changing your mind.
Let me know in the comments if this data rings true to you and your experience of conflict. And check out danharris.com for more from Amanda Ripley including what she has to say about “conflict entrepreneurs,”people who inflame turmoil to benefit themselves. #conflict#healthyconflict#communication#tenpercenthappier#10percenthappier
Another common tip that usually comes from the world of couple’s counseling is to stop seeing the other person as your adversary. If you can imagine the two of you on the same team versus the problem, your conversations will be more productive.
In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.
This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.
Most self-help advice gets one major aspect wrong: the habits that actually change your life aren’t the dramatic ones. They’re not 5 a.m. cold plunges or 75-day fitness challenges. They’re much more subtle, and almost embarrassingly ordinary. But that’s the point.
The ideas are simple: create bite-sized routines that fit seamlessly into your day, and build different versions of those systems for different days, whether good or chaotic. The goal is to stick with these practices, daily or weekly, even on turbulent days when nothing seems to go right. They write:
“Traditional productivity advice assumes perfect conditions. This system assumes chaos is inevitable and builds protocols for bad days. You’re not trying to be perfect. You’re trying to be unbreakable.”
Here are 14 deceptively simple habits worth trying, courtesy of Ideas to Thrive:
Jump-starting a healthier lifestyle doesn’t require a gym membership. You don’t need a plan, a new playlist, or special gear. You just need a dedicated block during the day to move: a short walk, five squats while the coffee brews in the morning, or committing to taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
A 10-minute workout done three times a week has been shown to boost endurance by nearly 20%. Importantly, it’s the intensity, not the duration, that drives measurable health benefits. You don’t need an hour per week, just minutes.
2. Drink water before anything else
Before your morning coffee, juice, or that special loose-leaf tea your father-in-law got you (thanks, Perry!), drink a glass of water. Then have another about 30 minutes before your first meal.
This one’s tricky. What about your morning alarm? (Buy one. It’s good to know the time without constantly checking your phone.) What about that nightly Sudoku game you have to do? (Try a book of puzzles, or the one printed in the newspaper.) The research on this topic is extensive and clear: smartphones in the bedroom disrupt sleep. By removing your phone, you eliminate both the temptation to scroll and the device lighting up with notifications during the night.
According to the Indian Journal of Medical Research, 87% of Americans sleep with their phones in the bedroom, despite consistent evidence linking the habit to poorer sleep outcomes. A randomized controlled trial found that restricting bedtime phone use improved sleep quality, shortened sleep onset, and enhanced mood. Luckily, the fix isn’t a fancy gadget. It’s as simple as leaving your phone on the kitchen counter.
4. While you’re at it, write down tomorrow’s one task before bed
Before you sleep, jot down the single most important thing you need to do the next day. That’s it: one thing. Psychologists call the anxiety caused by unfinished tasks the Zeigarnik Effect, first identified by Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik in 1927. It explains how unfinished tasks stay active in our working memory, using up mental energy and potentially disrupting sleep.
Writing down a plan to complete them can help ease these restless thoughts, reassuring your brain that it’s okay to let go because a clear plan is in place. Further research shows that having a written plan boosts productivity, as the act of planning helps lighten your mental load.
The takeaway? Your brain can’t file away a task until it trusts there’s a plan. Give it one sentence tonight.
5. Take a 10-minute walk after lunch
That 2 p.m. slump? It’s not just because of the family-style Jersey Mike’s hoagie you wolfed down (no judgment, though it didn’t help). Afternoon sleepiness is real, but a short walk can actually help tremendously.
A study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that taking a few moments to jot down a quick to-do list before bed can help you fall asleep faster. Gratitude journaling, done specifically before bed, has also been shown to improve sleep onset and reduce nighttime disturbances. Your brain wasn’t designed to hold everything. Three sentences are enough to start letting go.
7. Track your habits with color
Find a visual tracker that works for you, whether on paper or in a digital app, and assign yourself colors:
Green for done
Yellow for partially complete
Red for skipped
Yes, it may sound like an elementary school exercise (what’s next, a pizza party for finishing your books?), but there’s real science behind it. Research on digital behavior change interventions shows that visual tools illustrating the gap between current behavior and a goal, such as a green bar for steps completed and a red line for the daily target, can boost motivation through clear, visual feedback. The idea is that color-coded systems tap into these feedback loops, with the brain processing color patterns faster than text or numbers.
Visual feedback can be powerful. Soon, you’ll start noticing patterns you didn’t even realize were there.
8. Set aside 20 minutes on Sunday for a quick self-review
No one’s under fire; this isn’t a productivity audit. You are not in trouble. But a little self-reflection never hurt, did it?
Without deliberate reflection, it’s easy to stay on autopilot. Reviews create the feedback loop necessary for intentional progress. During these sessions, ask yourself:
What went well this week?
What didn’t?
What does next week look like?
Should I adjust my self-improvement expectations?
Reviewing the week allows you to “bank” wins, process setbacks, and make small, purposeful improvements (a strategy shown to reduce burnout). David Allen, the productivity researcher behind Getting Things Done, notes that the weekly review “will sharpen your intuitive focus on your important projects as you deal with the flood of new input and potential distractions coming at you the rest of the week.”
By spending 20 minutes looking back each week, you can avoid going 20 weeks in the wrong direction.
9. Close all your browser tabs at the end of the day
Every open tab is an unfinished thought. Research from Princeton University and the University of California, Los Angeles shows that visual clutter—digital or physical—overloads the brain and elevates stress. Closing your tabs at the same time each day creates a shutdown ritual that helps separate work from rest, a clear boundary that prevents lingering anxiety during off-hours. This distinction is especially important for those who work from home. Productivity experts also note that fewer digital distractions means fewer choices and less noise, which in turn reduces decision fatigue and increases the likelihood that tasks get done.
Your browser is not a filing cabinet. Close those tabs. Start fresh tomorrow.
10. Read 10 pages per day
That’s it: 10 pages. That’s about 15 minutes of active reading. Do that every day, and you’ll finish between 12 and 18 books a year (unless you’re working your way through the Dune series. Those books are seriously hefty). It’s good for you, too: a landmark study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that just six minutes of reading can reduce stress levels by up to 68%.
Ten pages a day is more than just a light reading habit; it’s an insurance policy for your brain’s health.
Despite the wisdom in Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes, treating “no” as a weekly maintenance habit isn’t an act of selfishness; it’s an act of self-preservation. Chronic people-pleasing drains the same mental and emotional resources that support creativity, focus, and recovery. Research consistently shows that excessive stress—the kind caused by overcommitting—is a major trigger for depression, anxiety disorders, and burnout.
Psychology Todaynotes that saying no “can create more mental health stability by helping with self-care and building your self-esteem and confidence by setting boundaries.” This is a deliberate practice. Decline at least one request, invitation, or obligation each week that doesn’t align with your priorities. When you set limits on what drains you, you create space for restorative activities.
12. Send one thoughtful message a week
Every week, send one intentional message to someone in your life—a text, email, or note that’s personal, specific, and sincere. Social connection is one of the strongest predictors of health and longevity. A landmark study cited by Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education found that a lack of social connection is more harmful to health than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure.
A study published in Communication Research, involving 900 participants across five university campuses, found that even a single intentional outreach to a friend or loved one on any given day can significantly improve well-being, reduce stress, enhance connection, and lessen loneliness. Importantly, the research showed that no particular type of message—whether catching up, showing care, joking, or giving a compliment—was more effective than another. The key factor was the act of reaching out with intention.
Dishes in the sink. Clothes on the chair. Scattered envelopes on the dining room table. Spend two minutes before bed restoring basic order to your space: reset surfaces, return items to their places, and clear clutter.
Research conducted by UCLA, involving 32 dual-income families, found that individuals who described their homes as cluttered or full of unfinished projects showed elevated cortisol patterns linked to chronic stress, especially among women.
Allen’s Getting Things Done methodology helps explain why the two-minute rule works so well. As he explains, any task that can be completed in under two minutes should be done immediately rather than delayed, preventing small messes from building into overwhelming chaos.
One small step at a time
None of these habits will change your life overnight. You won’t wake up with a different bank account. Your apartment won’t magically become more organized; you’ll probably still lose focus around 3:33 p.m. each day. But that’s not really how change works, is it? It happens in the small, consistent moments that may not look impressive on paper but add up to real momentum.
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life. Ideas to Thrive recommends starting with a handful of habits, then slowly adding more. Pick a few and see where they take you.
Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote Let it Be, a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.
The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations, and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”
The ‘Let Them’ theory, explained
This idea of giving up control (or the illusion of it) when it does us no good was perfectly distilled into two words that everyone can understand: “Let Them.” This is officially known as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video posted in May 2023.
“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.
“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you’re really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”
“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.
Put the ‘Let Them’ theory into practice
The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose?
Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins#letthemtheory#letgo#lettinggo#podcast#podcastepisode
How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.
It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k. Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” one viewer wrote.
Finding Peace Through Acceptance
“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.
The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”
This article originally appeared two years ago.It has been updated.
Like it or not, AI technology is almost certainly here to stay. While that might bring new conveniences we never thought possible, it still causes many to stress out over range of topics from our careers to existential level threats.
In a segment for New Normal entitled, “Is Human Connection the New Job Security?” for BBC Global, journalist Katty Kay delves into the idea of job security in this new age. She first recalls a chat she had in 2023 with her old pal, Dermalogica Skincare founder Jane Wurwand.
High touch vs. high tech
In just two words, the corporate mogul had the antidote to “high tech,” and it was really quite simple. She told Kay, “The equal and opposite reaction to ‘high tech’ is ‘high touch.’” She explains that it’s “service-oriented businesses where humans are doing things that humans do best. Cooking. Caring. Touching. Kindness. Compassion. Talking. I’m not just in the business of skincare products. I’m in the business of human connection.”
Kay reconnects with Wurwand over a video chat a few years later to find out if she still feels the “high touch” concept is possible now that AI has advanced. “It’s not confined to physical touch, your concept of high tech/high touch. It’s also about this broader idea of just having a human voice when you call.” (Kay gives the example of having to call tech support if your Wi-Fi has gone out.)
The human being industry
Kay then asks, “Give us some tangible thoughts on which are the high-touch jobs and areas of employment you think survive this rapidly growing technology that may take other jobs away?”
Wurwand replies confidently, “The jobs that I see that are going to be booming…and really can’t be replaced. Hospitality. Travel. Anything in the human being industry.”
She discusses the importance of true empathy, something that can’t be substituted by a robot. “If you are receiving a cancer diagnosis, goodness forbid, an AI bot might have found or detected that rogue cell, but you certainly don’t want that bot talking to you or giving you that diagnosis. You want someone with kindness, empathy, and to hold your hand and literally say, ‘We’ve got a plan. We’re going to execute on it.’”
A doctor consults with his patient. Photo credit: Unsplash
Wurwand gives other examples, as well, essentially suggesting “high touch” can be applied anywhere, including tech jobs. “Whether you’re working in retail, whether you’re working in an industry that is full of technology, what we can bring as humans that makes the workplace, that business, that space kind, empathetic, that you feel seen, you feel heard, that you matter, that somebody knows a little bit about your life so that you can chat and talk.
A new social contract
Kay brings up the insightful point that many, especially younger people in today’s society, feel threatened and disillusioned. “Many felt there was this kind of social contract, where you get educated, you pay an enormous amount of money to go to a university or tertiary education, and then you come out and actually there aren’t jobs because the jobs have been taken.”
She also points out the frustration some might feel from having been told if they’d only learned to “code” they’d be fine. They then entered the workforce to find out lots of those jobs have been taken over, as well. Kay asks, “What do you say to the graduate who has a degree in accounting or coding?”
Wurwand reiterates that “high touch” is still important, even in accounting or coding jobs. “You’re not gonna compete with a robot. We don’t have those same skills. We don’t have that ‘code’ in our head. You have everything else that is needed by other humans. So we have to take the strength and move with it.”
She points out that we shouldn’t be so quick to label. “We shouldn’t box things into that’s ‘tech’ and this is ‘human.’ There has to be this connection.”
Genuine empathy
They both agree that those interpersonal skills—the ones that only human beings can truly have—must be nurtured in order to survive this AI flux. Wurwand gives the example: “Your first message of branding is that voice that answers the phone. And it doesn’t have to be in an office at a desk. It can be obviously remote. However, it has to be a double-down, delicious sort of person who sounds great and is kind and genuinely has empathy because we can hear or spot a fake in 30 seconds.”
Of course, the idea of good customer service isn’t exactly new. But it seems extra important right now given it’s seemingly being forgotten by so many major corporations.
In the article “9 Examples of High Touch,” for Simplicable, writer and IT tech John Spacey writes that it comes down to simply being human: “High touch is any business process that requires extensive human attention. These are typically areas where automation reduces the value of a process because humans add significant value to it.”
Aside from the aforementioned client services, Spacey also discusses the importance of having “personalized attention with every customer.” This includes, of course, listening to their needs and tailoring the experience directly to them when possible.
