The holidays are supposed to be a time of joyful celebration and warm family gatherings. But unfortunately, some families make joy and warmth more difficult than others. Certain family dynamics can make holiday get-togethers emotional and relational landmines.
Family friction doesn’t mean you should skip holiday gatherings altogether, though. We can find our families challenging and still love them and want to spend time together. Also, it’s usually specific people who are tough to be around. Why let them ruin time with the family members we want to be with?
It is a good idea to start preparing for those gatherings well before they happen. We asked family therapists to share strategies people can start implementing early in the fall to make the holidays more enjoyable, and they shared their thoughts.
Set your expectations
“Gaining clarity about your expectations of others, as well as your values, boundaries, and triggers—this is where the real magic happens and meaningful personal transformation begins,” says Lindsey Rae Ackerman, LMFT, chief clinical officer at Your Behavioral Health. “Grounding yourself in your values can help guide how you navigate difficult situations, regardless of how others show up.”
Ackerman says that setting realistic expectations of others can be helpful. However, be aware that it might also bring up some feelings of sadness. “You may come to the realization that a family member is simply not capable of showing up in the way you truly need them to,” she says.
Expectations should be realistic, says Dr. Megan Oed, a licensed family therapist in Indiana with her own practice. “Don’t expect your crazy aunt to suddenly be calm and rational. Be prepared for familiar patterns to play out again. A lot of emotional stress gets added when we expect big changes from people, especially when those changes don’t happen. This doesn’t mean to go full pessimist. It means balance between what you’d like to see happen and what will likely happen. Decide how you’ll manage both possible outcomes: the ideal and the no-so-ideal.”
Aim for a ‘good enough’ holiday
As in Dr. Oed’s example, setting expectations also means knowing which ones to let go of. When family dynamics are messy or complicated, we can’t go into holiday gatherings with perfectionistic ideals.
“Things can be messy, imperfect, and still deeply meaningful,” says Ackerman. “It’s okay to aim for a ‘good enough’ gathering rather than a perfect one.”
“Do not assume or expect that one gathering will resolve longstanding family conflicts or that everyone needs to agree to enjoy one another,” adds Simon Faynboym, MD, PAPA, and Medical Director at Your Behavioral Health. “A good holiday can simply mean having a respectful and manageable interaction.”
Avoiding extremes can help you achieve the “good enough” holiday. Dr. Oed offers some suggestions on that front:
“Look for the middle ground. Lots of people get stuck on the extremes in these situations. Either go or stay home. Let my dad say things I don’t agree with or start a big argument. Most of the time there’s a middle ground that feels more doable and comfortable. Instead of go or stay, maybe you’ll just stay for an hour or maybe you’ll stay as long as no one starts a fight. Instead of grit your teeth through a hurtful conversations or have a full verbal brawl, maybe give a clear warning then leave. Or maybe it’s more comfortable to repeat a positive mantra when a relative starts down a painful conversation path. Avoid committing to extremes. Look for middle options that give you flexibility and room to breathe.”
Get clear on your boundaries
It’s good to start thinking now about your boundaries and how you plan to maintain them with the people you find challenging.
“It would be good to start identifying the relationships and situations that tend to create tension, and think ahead about your boundaries, triggers, and preferred responses,” says Faynboym. “Preparing early can make it easier to respond thoughtfully rather than emotionally in the moment.”
“Identifying clear, healthy boundaries is one way of honoring both their limitations and your own needs,” says Ackerman. “Remember, a healthy boundary is about what you will or will not tolerate and how you choose to respond. It is not about controlling another person’s behavior. Recognizing when you are dysregulated is also a powerful skill. It allows you to step away from a situation, take a break, and regulate your emotions before reengaging.”
Ackerman points out that it’s okay to share your boundaries with others. Doing so doesn’t need to be a barrier in a relationship:
“Understanding what healthy boundary setting looks like can significantly improve relationship dynamics. For example, you can respond to Aunt Sally’s sideways remark by simply saying, ‘I love you, and I’m not discussing this right now. Let’s choose a different topic or take a break from this conversation.’ This approach allows you to maintain your boundary while remaining respectful and connected.”
Make a management plan
Think ahead about how you’ll handle situations you can already anticipate.
“If gatherings have been stressful or hurtful in the past, make a plan for how you’ll manage it,” says Oed. “If your mom comments on your weight, will you give a warning or simply leave? If your uncle starts ranting about conspiracy theories, will you ignore him or attempt a debate? Be clear ahead of time if and how you’ll leave. If you already have an exit strategy, you’re less likely to end up in a situation you can’t or don’t want to manage. And remember, leaving can mean stopping a conversation, taking a break in another room, or calling it a night and coming back another day.”
Ackerman suggests the following plan-ahead strategies:
- Establish how long you plan to stay at the event and communicate that in advance.
- Make requests about certain topics you would prefer not to discuss.
- If you anticipate needing support, ask a trusted person before the gathering if they can help in the specific ways you need.
- Communicating your needs in advance can reduce stress and help you feel more prepared and supported.
Oed also suggests finding ways to laugh and bring a sense of playfulness to the situation, not in a mean-spirited way, but to let off emotional steam: “I’ve worked with families who made up bingo cards of family habits and track who checks the most squares (this works best if it’s between spouses who can keep a straight face). Siblings can guess how many times grandpa will complain about grocery prices and see who is closest.”
Ultimately, your plans should be about managing yourself, not others.
“Go into the gathering with a plan for managing your own reactions; your goal should not be to try to change someone else’s behavior or ideology,” says Faynboym.
Start now to save you stress later
Family gatherings can be hard for many reasons. Maybe we have drastically different worldviews from some family members, which causes friction. We might have past hurts that haven’t healed or ongoing conflicts that remain unresolved. Or maybe simple personality clashes make it hard to fully enjoy family time.
“As a family therapist, I encourage lots of clients to start preparing and thinking through the holidays now,” Oed tells Upworthy. “Once October starts, it feels like a high-speed train to the end of the year with all the family gatherings and family drama along for the ride. The secret to surviving the holidays is planning and setting clear limits before you go anywhere.”
And if you don’t have a professional to help, now would be a great time to start talking to one.
“If the thought of the approaching holidays is leaving you queasy and keeping you up at night, a therapist can help,” says Oed. “Counselors and therapists can help you find clear boundaries, improve communication, and guide you in practicing for these moments before everyone sits down for a holiday meal. I will spend a lot of sessions over the next several months practicing boundaries, deciding exit points, and finding ways to laugh at hard situations.”
A little preparation ahead of time might make the holidays a whole lot happier.
