Many people dread social situations because they are afraid they’ll have to make small talk. For some, it feels awkward because they’re not sure what to say and struggle to come up with something interesting. Others find small talk boring because it usually sticks to the same tired topics, such as the weather, work, or upcoming plans.
Communications expert Dr. Carol Fleming developed an easy-to-remember method to make small talk more comfortable for most people, which she describes in her book It’s the Way You Say It.
The ARE method is a three-step process that takes the guesswork out of small talk, reminds you to pay attention to the person you’re speaking to, and helps you develop deeper conversations. ARE stands for Anchor, Reveal, and Encourage.
What is the ARE method for making small talk?
Step 1: Anchor — Begin the conversation with an observation about a reality you share with your conversation partner.
“Aren’t these the best hors d’oeuvres you’ve ever had?”
“How is it that you know [the host of the party]?”
“Do you know when this heatwave is going to let up?” (This is a step up from the usual weather question because it’s open-ended and gives the other person a chance to offer a more detailed answer.)
Step 2: Reveal — After the person you’re speaking to answers, disclose something personal related to the anchor.
“I usually don’t like bruschetta, but there’s something about this one that is completely delicious.”
“I know [the host of the party] because we were neighbors 10 years ago when I lived on this side of town.”
“That’s great to hear because it was so hot today that I had to cool down my car for 10 minutes before I could grab the steering wheel.“
Step 3: Encourage — After your reveal, encourage the other person to speak by asking them a question.
“What did you choose off the dinner menu?”
“Did you hear the news about [host of the party’s] new job?”
“What did you do to cool off last week?”
Next, ask 2 more questions
The ARE method gets you to a good place where your conversation partner is talking. Once you’ve got the ball rolling, research from Harvard University suggests that asking two follow-up questions can make you more likable. Most people think the key to being likable is to be witty and interesting. However, research shows that people who ask follow-up questions are rated as more likable than those who quickly move the conversation back to themselves.
“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” Harvard researchers wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
It can often seem like people who are good at small talk or have great communication skills are born with a special talent. However, communication experts such as Fleming show that small talk is a skill anyone can learn. It just takes a little practice and a reliable technique, like the ARE method.
