One of the paradoxes of improving your small talk skills is that sometimes the things we do to be polite can actually work against us. We all seem to learn from a young age that when someone asks us a question, especially at the start of a conversation, we should ask them the same question in return.
If someone asks, “How are you?” you give a brief response and then ask back, “So, how are you?” If someone asks, “How’s work?” we feel obligated to ask the same question back. Even with family, we feel obligated to ask how someone’s mother is doing if they ask us. These responses are known as “mirror questions.” Although they seem polite, research from Harvard by Associate Professor of Business Administration Alison Wood Brooks shows they don’t make us more likable.
Brooks is a Harvard Business School Professor and author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves.
What’s wrong with mirror questions?
Brooks and her team analyzed 398 conversations and found four dominant question types: introductory, mirror, topic-switching, and follow-up. Introductory questions are the post-handshake “How are you?” or “What’s new?” questions we ask when we first greet someone. Topic-switching questions move the conversation in a new direction, and follow-up questions let us probe deeper after someone responds.
In her book, Talk, Brooks says that the problem with mirror questions is that they seem perfunctory, that we’re just asking them to be polite and that we may not really care. “Like introductory questions, they tend to be dictated by the norms of conversation. You asked me something, so I feel like I should ask it in return,” Brooks writes. “Since they don’t necessarily reflect authentic curiosity and care, responders shouldn’t linger on their answers—and askers may want to figure out a better way of reciprocating, rather than just repeating, verbatim, a question someone has already asked.”
Brooks adds that after analyzing conversations, mirror questions don’t boost likability, so we should ask them rarely. At first, this may make you seem impolite, but people will like you more if you ask a topic-switching question.
The conversation should go over something like this:
Person 1: [Introductory question] “Hey! Good to see you, how’s work?”
You: “It’s been a bit stressful recently, thanks for asking. [Topic-switching question] Did you hear what happened on Main Street last night?”
Follow-up questions are the key to being more likable
Now, here’s where you can really boost your likability. If you ask your conversation partner 2 follow-up questions, studies show that you will be seen as more likable. “We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study’s authors write in an article published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
Here’s how to continue the conversation:
Person 1: “I did hear what happened on Main Street last night. My wife’s dad is an ex-cop, and he got all the lowdown.
You: “What did he find out?”
Person 1: “The jewel thieves were caught later that night, joyriding the next town over.”
You: “That’s incredible. When did your father-in-law retire from law enforcement?”
Brooks and her team’s research shows that after you start making small talk with someone, they aren’t looking for you to be polite; they want you to elevate the conversation and show you’re interested in them. Many folks think the key to being likable in conversation is being interesting. However, as the research shows, what people really love is for you to be interested in them.
