Throughout our lives, we will encounter many different types of friends. Some last only for a season; others stay with us through myriad chapters. Then there are the ride-or-dies, as it were, who are there through thick and thin and might even make us better people along the way.
But just what separates this steadfast ally from the fair-weather companion?
It turns out, there is one universal distinguishing factor. And it has nothing to do with shared interests, how long you’ve known each other, or even how much you “like” each other’s personality.
The No. 1 predictor of a lasting friendship, according to science
In 2022, a series of questionnaire-based studies published in the journal Evolutionary Psychological Science found that honesty was the trait people most wanted in a friend.
In the first study, 236 people (122 women and 114 men) wrote down the traits they wanted and did not want in their friends. The 50 positive traits and 43 negative traits identified in this round were then used in the second and third studies.
Participants in the second study responded to the statement, “I would like a friend of mine to be ___,” and chose from the 50 positive traits, rating the importance of each on a five-point scale from “strongly disagree” to “strongly agree.” Participants in the third study did the same with the negative traits and the statement, “I would like a friend of mine NOT to be ___.”
Findings consistently showed that honesty ranked No. 1, followed by ethical, pleasant, and available. Dishonesty was also ranked the most undesirable quality, followed by competitiveness and impatience.
In other words, that grumpy friend who always gives brutally honest advice might actually be your bestie.
An earlier study from 2020 examined how lying affected adolescent friendships. Part of the reasoning behind the study was that lying tends to peak during adolescence, which is also a critical period for forming those first friend groups.
Interestingly, poor friendship quality predicted more lying over time, not the other way around. And lying about mental health led not only to more depressive symptoms but also to poorer friendship quality.
Why we lose friends
Perhaps this is closely linked to why true lifelong or long-term friendships are so rare. According to sociological research, including a study conducted by Utrecht University, people tend to replace about half of their closest friends every seven years. This “pruning” and turnover happen because our lives, values, and locations shift over time. In some ways, maybe it’s easier to find people who match our newfound truths than to express them to people who knew us under an old identity.
Still, by this logic, if you’ve had a close friend who’s made it past the seven-year mark, that’s something worth appreciating. Because it likely took some honest conversations to get there.
Honesty doesn’t always have to be blunt
Photo credit: Canva
It’s worth noting that radical honesty can still be delivered with kindness. This might look like challenging a friend’s limiting thoughts with compassion rather than criticism. Or giving them room to speak their own truth without judgment. It also doesn’t always have to mean pouring out deep, dark secrets. Being more open about sharing the small stuff—little victories, upcoming plans, or a recent project that excited you—can also pave the way to those bigger conversations.
Or, to put a Ralph Waldo Emerson spin on it, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Whether you place more faith in poets or science, both agree that being truthful, even when it’s difficult, is one of the strongest ways to build the kind of friendship that can endure through life’s many chapters. And for the friendships in your life that already have that trust, celebrate them.
