Finding the perfect partner might take an entire lifetime. Some people discover their high school sweetheart who brings them all the way to the finish line. Others find themselves searching for that relationship well into adulthood. Still others are never able to find the perfect match.
It takes time to truly understand the qualities a person wants in a prospective partner. It can be the failed relationships of the past or valuable therapy sessions that uncover the perfect ideals we seek.
In a r/AskReddit thread, an important question was posed: “What is your unconventional ‘I need this in a partner’ that you will not negotiate on?” People offered up some really unique and insightful opinions.
“The Dinosaur Test”
There can be numerous details that signal compatibility. One consistent idea was shared intelligence and belief systems. A 2022 study in Stanford Medicine found that marital relationships were more successful when partners shared similar cognitive processing. Relationship happiness was affected by higher synchronization and similar neural response times.
Here are some of the more intellectually inclined responses:
“This is weird, but it’s a question I always ask right away: if they believe in dinosaurs. I once dated a guy so religious he didnt believe they existed because they are not mentioned in the Bible. Now I make sure they have the minimum level of intelligence.”
“Has to share my annoyance at historical inaccuracies.”
“I need a partner who loves learning, not their own dogmatic interpretation of reality.”
“I would argue that flat earth is an order of magnitude worse… Whereas with the spherical earth, I have done the research. I can see the moon, sun, and some of the planets are spherical. I don’t have good enough a telescope for then all I’ve been out in the ocean. I can perform the thought experiment ‘if gravity doesn’t exist, and everything just falls down, why do i fall faster than the ground when i jump’ and ‘why hasn’t all the water fallen over the edge?’”
“I was coming here to say ‘they must be willing to learn’ but this sums it up perfectly.”
“If I was on a date and somebody asked me if I believe in dinosaurs I’d be like ‘you mean do I believe in dinosaurs achieving their goals and dreams?’”
“Special Set of Skills”
Some people are just a little more uniquely talented than others. There can be physical gifts or habits that have developed abilities the typical person may never acquire. A 2025 study in the National Library of Medicine found that engaging in novel activities can reduce boredom and improve relationship quality.
“Ok. Its kinda weird but I find juggling hot. Theres something both absolutely mesmerizing about it and the whole being able to concentrate and focus so well is just a crazy turn on. My partner doesnt do it often but lord when I catch him doing it. Mmm.”
“i love weird hobbies! doesnt matter if im into them at all – i will enjoy it! harmonica playing, figurine painting, aquascaping, mushroom growing, unicycle riding… its the unashamed passion that gets me. Well, that and the fact that i have my own weird hobbies”
“As someone who unexpectedly crushed on three separate men with circus and French clown training in my 20s: I know exactly what you mean. Invite me to stand on your shoulders at the end of a date?”
“Occasionally I juggle things like potatoes or tennis balls to make sure I still can. I also juggle in front of people as a party trick. I always thought that it would be amusing at best and a silly thing that people will try to see if they can do it as well. I never thought that it would be a turn on for somebody.”
“Widow meets Widower”
Finding a connection through shared traumatic experiences, some argue, is a valuable benefit when seeking a partner. A 2025 study in Sage Journals reported that “dual-trauma” couples revealed increased emotional difficulties, relational dysfunction, and intimacy issues. Here is what some Redditors had to say about it:
“As a widow, I feel like I’d need a widower. It seems like we’d both be a bit more understanding of each other.”
“I think one of the biggest challenges is not just empathizing with the loss, but understanding that you may never take their place.”
“Divorced is not the same as widowed- I promise”
“For perspective I was widowed at 37 2.5 years years ago . Left with three kids ages 5 to 16. His death was sudden. I am now 40 and have an amazing man in my life . Was never married nor had kids . He has taken us all on with nothing but love and kindness . He even honors their father and his memory. Sometimes, someone with just a kind gentle soul, with no background in anything like yours , comes along! So while widowers may understand better , some who haven’t been down that same hurt road understand and go above and beyond too !”
“I can imagine how hard it would be with a non-widowed partner who starts feeling insecure about the deceased spouse, comparing themselves to them, etc. Then the whole removing remnants of them in the house thing. I wouldn’t be able to handle that.”
“I’m a widow (5 years) in a two-year relationship with a widower (3 years), and it is perfect for us. Our late spouses are an important part of our lives, and we talk about them (and even to them) frequently. We understand the grief of not only losing our beloved spouses, but also losing the future we planned with our life mates.”
“The Mobile Adventurer”
People can get a bit restless if they aren’t allowed to get out into the world and stretch their legs. A 2021 study in Science Direct suggested people drawn to adventure and travel showed overall improved psychological wellness and significantly boosted mood and life satisfaction.
“I need someone who either understands and supports my need to occasionally disappear into the mountains for days on end, or will do it with me.”
“I disappear every year into rural India. Keeps me sane the other 11 months. It’s non-negotiable. I save all year so it doesn’t financially affect anyone else. My husband is welcome to come with me if he wants and we can afford it.”
“I also work remotely, so I can move year after year. I don’t think living like that year round is in the cards for me, but a good break every so often where I can get away from it all while still working would be so peaceful.”
“Yup. I go on all day bike rides some times. Ex get up at 5 and bike to the next state line and then take the long way home. My husband told me when we first started dating that his friends thought I might be cheating. He told them that I actually was working out”
“There are just a few people in the world who I’ve met who I could tolerate along side me disappearing into the mountains but it’s nice to see that it’s not such an uncommon need”
“Initially this caused some insecurity with my current partner but after he joined me a few times he understands it now. I just need to disappear into the wilderness.”
“Love is a Potluck”
For some, there can be only two people in an intimate relationship. Others want the ability to have multiple partners. A 2025 study in Phys.Org investigated which type of relationships are more successful. It concluded that unconventional relationships are just as satisfying as monogamous partnerships. A healthy relationship structure shares similar characteristics, such as honesty, communication, trust, and clear boundaries.
“I’ve never been open to non monogamy when I’m in a committed relationship. I’m either single and do whatever or I’m all in.”
“Human relationships have no set rules, of any kind. The ones we made up about romantic relationships being a distinct kind of relationship, and about sex being an intimate activity that is completely distinct from other intimate activities, are made up. Of course they are different, but they do not warrant another set of rules completely just because they are a different thing.”
“I don’t do monogamy, that’s the first bar to clear.”
“Unconventional? I guess some people find my requirement for polyamory/ or at the very least some form of ethical non monogamy unconventional, although I find it normal.”
“I want a partner who will at least be down to go to a swingers club with me.”
“Some Random Needs”
People can hold a wide range of unique desires. These feelings often determine whether someone is more likely to enter into a relationship. Here are some more out-of-the-box ideas offered by Redditors:
“I love watching period shows and googling along to see what really happened.”
“I only date mathematicians”
“Ability to make decent potato salad.”
“I look for the ability to make pancakes.”
“I can’t date someone with a racist family.”
“They gotta be like, unquestionably an asset not a liability in a zombie apocalypse”
“Loose cartilage in the tip of their nose so it wiggles a little when they talk.”
“He needs to have so much body hair people should question if he’s really human.”
“Left my last girlfriend because she did completely open anything… i hate having that tin foil cover under the lid to the sour cream. Its now a requirement, and the first thing i ask about anybody i date.”
“Sleeping in separate rooms. I am an extremely sensitive sleeper and for the life of me cannot fall asleep if someone else is in the room.”
“For me, it’s fear of birds. What a freaking turn off it is to feel your man flinch while making out because a bird in a cage chirped.”
“I can’t be with a man who wears pointy-toed shoes. Or boots. It’s just a gut feeling. I just can’t trust a man with witchy feet.”
“How they drive is really important to me. If they tailgate, have road rage, or speed up when people try to pass them, I’m out.”
“Gotta like horror movies. I spend a lot of time watching or reading horror.”
Whatever your particular quirks and needs, bringing them to the table early is probably in your best interest. A 2025 study in University Lab Sites found that telling the truth, especially about sensitive and even potentially threatening topics, contributed to stronger relationships. Honesty is a highly valued virtue that benefits all relationships, even when the truth may hurt.
