It’s one of the all-time classic “girl dad” problems: you’re out with your young daughter and she needs to “go potty.” Do you take her into the men’s room or the women’s room?
Most guys would go to the men’s room without a second thought. But one dad has people wondering if there might be a better way.
Alex Vigilante coaches high-achieving men to “live a more aligned life, be more present, [and be] more whole.” He also shares content about fatherhood and his own life as a dad.
Question goes viral
Recently, Vigilante posed a question to fellow girl dads on Instagram: “When you’re out in public and your daughter has to go to the bathroom, which restroom do you take her to if there’s not a gender-neutral restroom?”
He took his viewers by surprise with his answer: “Today, I took her into the women’s restroom. … I think that is the better route than taking her to the male restroom.”
In the caption to his post, Vigilante outlined his reasoning. One point in particular was especially thought-provoking.
“I would rather feel awkward or uncomfortable than having my daughter feel uncomfortable,” he wrote, adding that he didn’t feel it was appropriate to have his young daughter around grown men using the facilities. Vigilante also noted that he prefers to go in when no women are inside and will openly announce himself so as not to startle anyone.
The now-viral Reel drew more than six million views, and needless to say, a passionate discussion ensued.
Men react
First came the dads who vehemently disagreed and said they would never set foot inside a women’s restroom, even with a toddler girl in tow.
“Men’s restroom, respectfully. Handicap stall. Clorox wipes and Lysol travel size spray in hand. The potential for a misunderstanding isn’t one I’m willing to entertain.”
“Imagine two or three dads in the women’s restroom…no bro, just use the dudes’ and go in the stall with her if she’s a little one, if she’s older, find a better solution. Don’t go in the girls restroom.”
“The world doesn’t revolve around me or my daughter, & it’s not fair for an innocent adult female to walk into me in her safe place.”
Women react
Then moms and women at large began to chime in. Their collective response was surprising and heartwarming.
Though not a monolith, of course, a majority of women who responded to Vigilante’s video were strongly in favor of dads bringing their daughters into the women’s room. Many recalled being young and feeling intimidated by the presence of grown men in the men’s room, even with their fathers there.
“Please use the women’s restroom we really don’t mind. We were once little girls who needed protected too.”
“As a woman I support dads bringing their daughters to the woman’s room.”
“Absolutely! I have been in places before and if I see a man bringing his daughter towards the restroom I always offer to announce it in the bathroom and I stand at the entry door and keep everyone informed that comes in until they are finished. It takes a village!”
“I’d rather feel a little uncomfortable and know a child is safe in the women’s restroom than have a little girl in the men’s room where there’s urinals and what not.”
Honest discussion changed the minds of at least a few dads
Several admitted they always “hated” bringing their daughters into the men’s room but didn’t see another way. After the warm response from moms, they were inspired to give it a try.
“I’ve literally never considered this. Dude, thank you for bringing up. My first reaction was that I would never want to make other women afraid or uncomfortable if I was in there with my baby girl. And then I read the comments. WOW. Women are incredible. Sad that we have to even worry about this, but grateful to know my daughter has other women who freely have her back without even knowing her.”
However, the opposing view is also valid, making this a complex issue. It could even become a legal one. While it’s not generally considered illegal for a man to enter a women’s restroom, the situation can become murky if someone feels threatened and raises a complaint.
For his part, Vigilante said he’s never had an issue taking his daughter to the women’s room, but would happily leave if he made anyone uncomfortable.
A better solution?
It seems there should be a better solution by now, and fortunately, there has been incremental progress in this area.
For starters, more men’s rooms have changing tables than in years past. This not only allows dads with babies to avoid going into the women’s room to change them, but also helps rebalance the distribution of childcare labor, which has historically been skewed toward moms.
There’s also a push to “ditch the gap” in public restroom stalls, offering greater privacy for all.
There’s even been a steep rise in the availability of family or gender-neutral bathrooms in public spaces, which helps everyone. In some places, they’re required by law.
There are other solutions as well. For girls old enough to go in alone, many dads choose to stand outside the bathroom, sometimes with the door propped open so they can hear what’s going on and talk to their daughter for comfort.
In the end, it’s an individual choice that requires dads to be mindful of others, as well as their daughter’s comfort level.
“My daughter’s safety comes first…so I feel empowered to keep doing this,” Vigilante wrote in the comments. “I respect the opinion of parent who think otherwise, as they just want their kids to be safe as well.”
