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15 companies that took bold stands against Trump's immigration ban.

An exercise in putting people before profits.

Prominent members of the business community looking to put people before profits spoke out against President Trump's immigration order this weekend — an unexpected but welcome part of the backlash to the ban.

On Jan. 30, 2017, Gillian Tett of the Financial Times appeared on CNBC to discuss the financial risks of businesses that face off against the president and how those risks leave many CEOs loathe to speak out against any individual policy, even if they oppose it on personal and professional levels.

"They are scared out of their minds about being attacked [by Trump] ... and what that's going to do for their business," she explained.

Those CEOs aren't wrong to worry, either. Since being elected, Trump has continually taken aim at companies that have criticized him, using his Twitter account to tank their stock prices.

In December 2016, after Boeing's CEO made an argument in favor of trade agreements, Trump fired off a series of tweets about canceling plans to use the company for the new Air Force One series of planes. As a result, the company's stock price fell by 1% before recovering. Trump's tweet about Boeing and a $4 billion contract was a bit of an exaggeration; the company has a $170 million contract, which a tweet cannot cancel.

Knowing that a Trump-fueled attack on their companies — and the value of their shares — could be waiting just around the corner, here are 15 companies and CEOs who took a stand against the immigration ban this weekend:

1. Airbnb co-founder and CEO Brian Chesky offered free housing to people affected by the travel ban.

On a statement posted to its website, the company also offered a way for Airbnb hosts to volunteer help.

2. Dropbox founder and CEO Drew Houston called Trump's order "un-American."

3. Etsy CEO Chad Dickerson spoke out against the order and urged others to contact legislators and support organizations like the American Civil Liberties Union.

4. Facebook co-founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg posted an essay to his profile sharing the story of his and his wife Priscilla's immigrant and refugee origins.

"We should also keep our doors open to refugees and those who need help," Zuckerberg wrote. "That's who we are. Had we turned away refugees a few decades ago, Priscilla's family wouldn't be here today."

My great grandparents came from Germany, Austria and Poland. Priscilla's parents were refugees from China and Vietnam....

Posted by Mark Zuckerberg on Friday, January 27, 2017

5. Google created a crisis fund to support immigrant-rights organizations.

According to a statement provided to USA Today, Google has created a $4 million crisis fund for four immigrant-rights organizations: the American Civil Liberties Union, Immigrant Legal Resource Center, International Rescue Committee, and UNHCR.

"We’re concerned about the impact of this order and any proposals that could impose restrictions on Googlers and their families, or that could create barriers to bringing great talent to the U.S.," said the company. "We'll continue to make our views on these issues known to leaders in Washington and elsewhere."

Google headquarters in Menlo Park, California. Photo by Josh Edelson/AFP/Getty Images.

6. Instacart CEO Apoorva Mehta donated $100,000 to the ACLU — and didn't stop there.

In a short Twitter thread on Sunday evening, Instacart founder and CEO Apoorva Mehta announced a $100,000 donation to the ACLU, the creation of "office hours" with immigration attorneys for employees and their families, and a pledge to expedite H-1B visas and green cards for employees in need.

7. LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner used Trump's ban as an opportunity to boost and expand the company's Welcome Talent program for refugees in the U.S.

8. In a blog post, ride-hailing app Lyft's co-founders John Zimmer and Logan Green committed to a $1 million donation to the ACLU over the next four years.

"We created Lyft to be a model for the type of community we want our world to be: diverse, inclusive, and safe. This weekend, Trump closed the country's borders to refugees, immigrants, and even documented residents from around the world based on their country of origin. Banning people of a particular faith or creed, race or identity, sexuality or ethnicity, from entering the U.S. is antithetical to both Lyft's and our nation's core values. We stand firmly against these actions, and will not be silent on issues that threaten the values of our community. We know this directly impacts many of our community members, their families, and friends. We stand with you, and are donating $1,000,000 over the next four years to the ACLU to defend our constitution. We ask that you continue to be there for each other - and together, continue proving the power of community."

A Lyft driver in San Francisco. Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images for Lyft.

9. Netflix CEO Reed Hastings didn't mince words on his Facebook page, calling Trump's executive order "so un-American it pains us all."

Trump's actions are hurting Netflix employees around the world, and are so un-American it pains us all. Worse, these...

Posted by Reed Hastings on Saturday, January 28, 2017

10. Nike's president and CEO took a stand against the ban in an email to employees.

Looking to Olympian Mo Farah's statement on how Trump's ban would prevent the four-time gold medalist from returning to his home in the U.S., Nike President and CEO Mark Parker emailed employees, urging them to "[stand] together against bigotry and any form of discrimination."

11. Postmates founder and CEO Bastian Lehmann — who also happens to be an immigrant — wrote a blog post skewering the Trump administration, saying, "I no longer believe it to be reasonable to remain silent."

He also pledged to match employee donations to the ACLU and International Refugee Assistance Project.

"The trade-off of these policies is obvious. In exchange for the guise of safety rooted in fear of those with different religious, ethnic and cultural backgrounds we will be abandoning the diverse melting pot of culture and ideas that has made the United States prosper. That is the bedrock that creative growing companies like Postmates have been built upon. Ignoring the dynamics of this diversity, which is distinctly American and has set our country apart from the rest the world throughout history is short sighted and damaging."

Bastian Lehmann at TechCrunch Disrupt London in 2015. Photo by John Phillips/Getty Images for TechCrunch.

12. Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff shared some poignant scripture and a well-known (if sadly ignored) piece of poetry, using the hashtag #noban.

13. Slack CEO Stewart Butterfield delivered an impassioned argument against the administration's actions and shared his family's own story of immigration.

"My grandfather came from Poland between the wars, at 17, sponsored by an elder sister," he wrote.

"Two more siblings made it. Everyone else died. Their parents were shot in the streets and thrown in a mass grave (we believe). Their other siblings died in the camps. Every cousin (and really, everyone they knew) was killed. That whole branch of the family tree snuffed out. And now we want to do this to others. It's bewildering and confusing and terrifying."

14. In a letter to employees, Starbucks chairman and CEO Howard Schultz unveiled a four-part rebuke to Trump's actions toward immigrants and refugees.

The plan includes supporting DACA, hiring refugees, building bridges with Mexico instead of walls, and committing to support Starbucks employees if the Affordable Care Act is repealed.

Schultz also pledged to hire 10,000 refugees in 75 countries over the next five years.

15. Twitter co-founder and CEO Jack Dorsey called the executive order "upsetting."

The day the order was signed, Dorsey shared a mini-documentary about Yassin Terou, a Syrian refugee living in the U.S.

Long before his political aspirations took flight, Trump was a CEO, which makes the response from the business community even more powerful.

If he refuses to listen to the American people and fellow politicians, perhaps it'll be the judgment of the country's corporate leaders that sways Trump's opinion one way or another.

CEOs and business leaders who are willing to take a stand against some of Trump's harmful policies may be one of the more effective ways of communicating with him.

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Joy

5 small things that made us smile this week

Your weekly cheat sheet to the best of the Internet

True


Life can be bleak, so we’re going to be celebrating the small joys while we can—whether that’s a sweet snack that boosts your mood (courtesy of our friends at All In), or a dad joke so epic you'll hurt your eyes from rolling them so hard. These momentary mood boosters are everywhere you look—you just have to be able to find them underneath all the noise. And that’s where we come in.

Consider this weekly web series your cheat sheet to the best of the Internet—not just random memes to make you laugh, but examples of people truly finding something extraordinary in the mundane. Each Friday we'll be delivering five pieces of media that allow you to stop for a second, take a breath, and feel just a little bit brighter among the daily stress—and this week, in honor of Father's Day, it's dad-themed.

Ready to smile? Here we go.

1.The "soulmated so hard" trend

@breezeb3a

I’ll never recover from losing you 💓

♬ The Winner Is... Version - DeVotchKa

This is a TikTok trend that’s both wholesome and, at times, actually jaw-dropping. The premise is this: Pets can be our soulmates, and sometimes we “soulmate” so hard that our pets leave a lifelong impression on us. This trend has people showing how big of an impression their pets have made on them, even after they’ve crossed the rainbow bridge. In one video, user Brianna Kay shares an ultrasound of her baby with what looks like the outline of her dog kissing the baby on the forehead. In another video, an owner asks her soulmate cat to send her a sign from beyond the grave that she is at peace. The response (here) will shock you.

2. Dudes getting flowers

Why is it that men (traditionally speaking) are the ones who give flowers, and not usually the ones who get them? We don’t have a good answer for that, but it’s clearly time to flip the script. This week, our friends from All In are hitting the streets of New York and delivering bouquets to men, and they are absolutely loving it. Let’s make this a regular thing.

3. A new grandpa gets good news  

@ellelauricella In my feels today remembering my dad’s reaction to meeting my baby ❤️ We named his middle name after my father and kept it a surprise my whole pregnancy. This was one of the happiest moments of my whole life. #postpartum #dad #dadsoftiktok #dadanddaughter #grandson #firstgrandbaby #birthvlog #hospitalbirth #momsoftiktok #fyp #firsttimemom ♬ Stuff We Did (from 'Up') - Piano Version - your movie soundtrack

Just in time for Father's Day! There’s almost no better way to honor your dad than naming a new baby after him, which is exactly what happens in this video. It’s almost impossible not to cry (happy tears!) seeing this new grandpa learn the good news from his daughter, who’s already weepy from postpartum hormones. (We’re not crying, you’re crying.)

4. Dad's loving dogs

@aubree.avery I had to make a PowerPoint to convice my parents to let me get her & now she is four years old and my parents beg me everyday to let them keep her. #dogmom #doodle #doodlesoftiktok #dogs ♬ Kiss me Sixpence None The Richer - whitelinesprettybabyy

Speaking of adorable dads: It seems like there’s this universal experience where when someone brings a pet into a household, the dad of the household will refuse to bond with it (at least at first). TikTok has latched on to this truth and is now flipping the script, showcasing dads who initially refused to accept the family pet and are now treating it like their precious firstborn. Search “dads and the dog they didn’t want” on TikTok and you’ll find some hilarious examples (like this dad, testing every couch inside a furniture store to make sure he’s able to adequately rub the dog’s belly from his seat on the sofa).

5. A dog who just cannot handle a prank 

@haleyandthepets spoiler bro got mad instantly #foryou #foryoupage #dogs #fyp #dunkindadawg #viral ♬ snoopy von - joro.mixes

We can never share enough dog content, right? (That was a rhetorical question, because the answer is of course not.) Dogs are adorable. They’re hilarious. And they have some very strong feelings. In this video, one easygoing dog gets his “nose stolen” as a prank, and every time he finds out, he shows his owner that he is absolutely not having it. Give that baby her nose back!

For even more “extra”-ordinary moments, come find us on social media (@upworthy) or on upworthy.com!

For scrumptious snacks that add an extra boost of joy to your day, be sure to check out All In.

Pop Culture

Brit shares the one-word 'dead giveaway' that American actors can't do an English accent

“There is one word that is a dead giveaway that an English character in a movie or a TV show is being played by an American."

via Warner Bros Discovery

Peter Dinklage on "Game of Thrones"?

When it comes to actors doing accents across the pond, some Americans are known for their great British accents, such as Natalie Portman ("The Other Boleyn Girl"), Robert Downey, Jr. ("Sherlock Holmes"), and Meryl Streep ("The Iron Lady"). Some have taken a lot of heat for their cartoonish or just plain weird-sounding British accents, Dick Van Dyke ("Mary Poppins"), Kevin Costner ("Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves") and Keanu Reeves ("Bram Stoker's Dracula").

Some actors, such as Tom Hardy (“The Drop”) and Hugh Laurie (“House”), have American accents so good that people have no idea they are British. Benedict Townsend, a London-based comedian and host of the “Scroll Deep” podcast, says there is one word that American actors playing characters with a British accent never get right. And no, it’s not the word “Schedule,” which British people pronounce the entire first 3 letters, and Americans boil down to 2. And it’s not “aluminum,” which British and American people seem to pronounce every stinking letter differently.


@benedicttown The one word American actors aways get wrong when doing an English accent
♬ original sound - Benedict Townsend

What word do American actors always get wrong when they do British accents?

“There is one word that is a dead giveaway that an English character in a movie or a TV show is being played by an American. One word that always trips them up. And once you notice it, you can't stop noticing it,” Townsend says. “You would see this lot in ‘Game of Thrones’ and the word that would always trip them up was ‘daughter.’”

Townsend adds that when British people say “daughter,” they pronounce it like the word “door” or “door-tah.” Meanwhile, Americans, even when they are putting on a British accent, say it like “dah-ter.”

“So top tip if you are an actor trying to do an English accent, daughter like a door. Like you're opening a door,” Townsend says.


What word do British actors always get wrong when doing American accents?

Some American commenters returned the favor by sharing the word that British actors never get right when using American accents: “Anything.”

"I can always tell a Brit playing an American by the word anything. An American would say en-ee-thing. Brits say it ena-thing,” Dreaming_of_Gaea wrote. "The dead giveaway for English people playing Americans: ‘Anything.’ Brits always say ‘EH-nuh-thin,’” marliemagill added. "I can always tell an actor is English playing an American when they say ‘anything.’ English people always say it like ‘enny-thin,’” mkmason wrote.


What is the cot-caught merger?

One commenter noted that the problem goes back to the cot-caught merger, when Americans in the western US and Canadians began to merge different sounds into one. People on the East Coast and in Britain pronounce them as different sounds.

“Depending on where you live, you might be thinking one of two things right now: Of course, ‘cot’ and ‘caught’ sound exactly the same! or "There’s no way that ‘cot’ and ‘caught’ sound the same!” Laura McGrath writes at DoYouReadMe. “As a result, although the different spellings remain, the vowel sounds in the words cot/caught, nod/gnawed, stock/stalk are identical for some English speakers and not for others.” For example, a person from New Jersey would pronounce cot and catch it as "caht" and "cawt," while someone from Los Angeles may pronounce them as "caht" and "caht."

To get a better idea of the big difference in how "caught" and "cot" are pronounced in the U.S., you can take a look at the educational video below, produced for a college course on linguistics.


- YouTubeyoutu.be

American actors owe Townsend a debt of gratitude for pointing out the one thing that even the best can’t seem to get right. For some actors, it could mean the difference between a great performance and one that has people scratching their heads. He should also give the commenters a tip of the cap for sharing the big word that British people have trouble with when doing an American accent. Now, if we could just get through to Ewan McGregor and tell him that even though he is fantastic in so many films, his American accent still needs a lot of work.

This article originally appeared last year.

actors
Family

How Father's Day began when a tireless young woman honored her Civil War veteran single dad

The last living descendent of Sonora Smart Dodd is finally sharing the incredible story.

Images via MyHeritage

Sonora Smart Dodd and a painting of her father, William Jackson Smart

Father's Day falls on Sunday, June 15 this year. The holiday will see families gathered together to honor and celebrate father figures in all forms, from grandfathers to stepdads and 'chosen' dads. And the origin of Father's Day has a deep connection to American history and single dads.

It's a story that begins in Spokane, Washington in 1909, with a young woman named Sonora Smart Dodd. It's an important tale in American history that was uncovered by the researcher Naama Lanski and her team at MyHeritage.com (an online genealogy platform)—who reached out to Sonora’s great-granddaughter and the last living direct heir, Betsy Roddy—as well as researched historical documents and records from the time period.

Dodd was listening to a church sermon on Mother's Day when it struck her: "Why isn’t there a Father’s Day?" Her father, a Civil War veteran named William Jackson Smart, deserved to be honored.

Sonora Smart Dodd, father's day, founder of father's day, father's day holiday, father's day storyPhoto of Sonora Smart Dodd.Courtesy of MyHeritage

Betsy Roddy tells Upworthy that after Sonora's mother's death in 1898 (when she was just 16), William Jackson Smart raised her and her five younger brothers on his own—something that bucked cultural tradition at the time.

"Rather than pass his children off to relatives, he chose to keep them at home and serve as mother and father for 6 young children," she says.

After Sonora approached her pastor about establishing a Father's Day, her vision came to fruition in 1910 when the inaugural Father's Day was held.

William Jackson Smart, civil war, civil war veteran, father's day, fathers dayDrawing of William Jackson Smart.Courtesy of MyHeritage

"It took a year, but she petitioned the ministerial alliance and YWCA in Spokane," Roddy tells Upworthy. "It was a simple celebration city-wide, and Father's Day was proclaimed by the local government. They handed out red and white roses—red to living fathers and white for fathers who had passed. It became official symbol of Father's Day."

The holiday quickly went nationwide, but it would be another 60+ years until it was recognized by the United States federal government. Dodd petitioned and lobbied for Father's Day to become a national holiday.

"She worked pretty tirelessly to push the concept forward," adds Roddy.

Finally, in 1972 under President Richard Nixon, the third Sunday in June was officially proclaimed Father's Day and signed into law. Dodd was 90 years old, alive and well and able to see her tireless work pay off.

Roddy was able to develop a relationship with her great-grandmother before she passed away at 96.

"My great-grandmothers stuck to the idea and vision of this being a national holiday. She fearlessly took on something much bigger than herself, before women had the right to vote," says Roddy. "It's easy to lose sight of that in context of today's world. She took on something women didn't do that was incredibly courageous. It's also a story of a woman's courage. To hold fast to an idea and see it through is a lesson for all of us. It's not just my great-grandma's legacy, it's an American story and legacy."

Adds Lanski, " At a time when parenthood was seen almost exclusively through a maternal lens, she championed the vital role of fathers and fatherhood - shaped by her own experience being raised by a dedicated and proud single father."

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Education

Why didn't people smile in old-timey photographs? A smile meant something different back then.

Our perceptions of smiling have changed dramatically since the 1800s.

via Public Domain

Photos from the 1800s were so serious.

If you've ever perused photographs from the 19th and early 20th century, you've likely noticed how serious everyone looked. If there's a hint of a smile at all, it's oh-so-slight, but more often than not, our ancestors looked like they were sitting for a sepia-toned mug shot or being held for ransom or something. Why didn't people smile in photographs? Was life just so hard back then that nobody smiled? Were dour, sour expressions just the norm?

Most often, people's serious faces in old photographs are blamed on the long exposure time of early cameras, and that's true. Taking a photo was not an instant event like it is now; people had to sit still for many minutes in the 1800s to have their photo taken.

Ever try holding a smile for only one full minute? It's surprisingly difficult and very quickly becomes unnatural. A smile is a quick reaction, not a constant state of expression. Even people we think of as "smiley" aren't toting around full-toothed smiles for minutes on end. When you had to be still for several minutes to get your photo taken, there was just no way you were going to hold a smile for that long.

But there are other reasons besides long exposure times that people didn't smile in early photographs.


mona lisa, leonardo da vinci, classic paintings, famous smiles, art"Mona Lisa" by Leonardo da Vinci, painted in 1503Public domain

The non-smiling precedent had already been set by centuries of painted portraits

The long exposure times for early photos may have contributed to serious facial expressions, but so did the painted portraits that came before them. Look at all of the portraits of famous people throughout history prior to cameras. Sitting to be painted took hours, so smiling was out of the question. Other than the smallest of lip curls like the Mona Lisa, people didn't smile for painted portraits, so why would people suddenly think it normal to flash their pearly whites (which were not at all pearly white back then) for a photographed one? It simply wasn't how it was done.

A smirk? Sometimes. A full-on smile? Practically never.

old photos, black and white photos, algerian immigrant, turban, Algerian immigrant to the United States. Photographed on Ellis Island by Augustus F. Sherman.via William Williams/Wikimedia Commons

Smiling usually indicated that you were a fool or a drunkard

Our perceptions of smiling have changed dramatically since the 1800s. In explaining why smiling was considered taboo in portraits and early photos, art historian Nicholas Jeeves wrote in Public Domain Review:

"Smiling also has a large number of discrete cultural and historical significances, few of them in line with our modern perceptions of it being a physical signal of warmth, enjoyment, or indeed of happiness. By the 17th century in Europe it was a well-established fact that the only people who smiled broadly, in life and in art, were the poor, the lewd, the drunk, the innocent, and the entertainment […] Showing the teeth was for the upper classes a more-or-less formal breach of etiquette."

drunks, classic painting, owls, malle babbe, paintings"Malle Babbe" by Frans Hals, sometime between 1640 and 1646Public domain


In other words, to the Western sensibility, smiling was seen as undignified. If a painter did put a smile on the subject of a portrait, it was a notable departure from the norm, a deliberate stylistic choice that conveyed something about the artist or the subject.

Even the artists who attempted it had less-than-ideal results. It turns out that smiling is such a lively, fleeting expression that the artistically static nature of painted portraits didn't lend itself well to showcasing it. Paintings that did have subjects smiling made them look weird or disturbing or drunk. Simply put, painting a genuine, natural smile didn't work well in portraits of old.

As a result, the perception that smiling was an indication of lewdness or impropriety stuck for quite a while, even after Kodak created snapshot cameras that didn't have the long exposure time problem. Even happy occasions had people nary a hint of joy in the photographs that documented them.

Another reason why people didn't smile in old photos is that dental hygiene wasn't the same as it is today, and people may have been self-conscious about their teeth. “People had lousy teeth, if they had teeth at all, which militated against opening your mouth in social settings,” Angus Trumble, the director of the National Portrait Gallery in Canberra, Australia, and author of A Brief History of the Smile, said, according to Time.


wedding party photo, wedding, old weddings, black and white, serious photos, no smilesEven wedding party photos didn't appear to be joyful occasions.Wikimedia Commons


Then along came movies, which may have changed the whole picture

So how did we end up coming around to grinning ear to ear for photos? Interestingly enough, it may have been the advent of motion pictures that pushed us towards smiling being the norm.

Photos could have captured people's natural smiles earlier—we had the technology for taking instant photos—but culturally, smiling wasn't widely favored for photos until the 1920s. One theory about that timing is that the explosion of movies enabled us to see emotions of all kinds playing out on screen, documenting the fleeting expressions that portraits had failed to capture. Culturally, it became normalized to capture, display and see all kind of emotions on people's faces. As we got more used to that, photo portraits began portraying people in a range of expression rather than trying to create a neutral image of a person's face.

Changing our own perceptions of old photo portraits to view them as neutral rather than grumpy or serious can help us remember that people back then were not a bunch of sourpusses, but people who experienced as wide a range of emotion as we do, including joy and mirth. Unfortunately, we just rarely get to see them in that state before the 1920s.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Humor

People are sharing quotes from their favorite comedians. These 23 are pure gold.

"I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long."

via Bonnie/Wikimedia Commons, Alan Gastelum/Wikimedia Commons, Underbelly Limited/Wikimedia Commons
Comedians George Carlin, Jim Gaffigan and Joan Rivers

Laughter really is the best medicine, and there are a lot of ways to get your daily dose. You can rewatch an old funny movie that's been proven to get the job done, listen to a hilarious podcast, or goof around with friends. Maybe the most efficient way to really get yourself rolling, though, is to take in some stand-up comedy.

And while it feels like the true heyday of stand-up is over — the days of George Carlin and Richard Pryror — the truth is that stand-up is more popular than ever. That's thanks, in part, to Netflix, which drives millions of viewers to featured comedy acts, who then go on to sell out huge theaters for their shows.

Comedy is powerful, necessary, and relevant. In fact, Oscar Wilde once said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

A Reddit user recently posed a great question on the AskReddit subforum: “What is a quote from a comedian you'll never forget?”

The post quickly went viral, receiving over 10,700 responses on the first day. Of the countless comedians mentioned in the thread, Norm Macdonald appears to be the most quotable.

Sadly, Macdonald died of cancer in 2021, but he was famous for his outlandish musings, delivered in a dry, deliberate tone. Macdonald is best known as a stand-up comedian, but he was also memorable on television as a cast member on "Saturday Night Live" from 1993 to 1997 and on his sitcom, “The Norm Show.” Two other deceased funnymen were often quoted in the discussion, Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin.

Hedberg’s comedy was based on short, memorable one-liners filled with absurdity. He passed away in 2005 from a drug overdose. George Carlin is often listed among the greatest stand-up comedians of all time and was a voice of the counterculture in the ‘60s and ‘70s. Later in life, his comedy evolved into a nihilistic criticism of American life that, for many, is still relevant today.

“It's called 'the American Dream' 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it,” Carlin said.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyGeorge Carlin is considered by many to be the GOATGiphy

Here are 23 of the funniest and most poignant quotes from a comedian shared by users on the AskReddit forum.

1.

"Every time you clog a toilet, you exceeded someone’s expectations." — Unknown

2.

"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work." — Norm Macdonald

This came from Macdonald's memoir, "Based on a True Story," a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room.

And that doctor's joke? It was Macdonald's own moth story.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRIP Norm MacdonaldGiphy

3.

“I’m not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used one side of a cheese grater.” — James Acaster

4.

“I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get drunk and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m drunk, and there’s rice everywhere.” — Kevin Nealon

5.

"What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby." — Jim Gaffigan

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyJim Gaffigan, the funniest lazy dad you know.Giphy

6.

"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." — Mitch Hedberg


7.

“Cocaine is God's way of saying you make too much money." — Robin Williams

8.

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." — Bob Newhart

9.

“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw.” — Norm MacDonald

10.

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." — Spike Milligan

11.

"When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way." — Richard Pryor

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRichard Pryor: a legend.Giphy

12.

"I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...in morse code." — Emo Phillips

13.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx

14.

"I didn't want to be Drunk in Public. I wanted to be drunk in a bar. They THREW me into public." — Ron White

15.

"I know I'm getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!" — Rodney Dangerfield

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRodney Dangerfield don't get no respect.Giphy

16.

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." — George Carlin

17.

"When you got a career there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job there's too much time." — Chris Rock

18.

"She had enough plastic surgery so that when she crossed her legs, her mouth snapped open." — Joan Rivers

19.

"Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in." — Doug Stanhope

20.

"I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now." - Dylan Moran

21.

“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.” - Mitch Hedberg

22.

"When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful & difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid." - Ricky Gervais


best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRicky Gervais dances in 'The Office'Giphy

23.

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while.

Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, 'Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, 'Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.'

And we … kill those people.

'Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.'

It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride.

And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace." — Bill Hicks

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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Joy

Woman reveals her fiancé's 'horribly disgusting' pillow, and oh boy, brace yourself

"I was expecting bad, but that I fear, is far far far worse."

@rutttyy01/TikTok

Can't believe she tried to clean it.

Listen, if we're in a relationship, odds are we’ve encountered some of our partner’s weird quirks. Some of those might be cute and loveable, and others might fall into cringe territory.

For Abigheal McClary, there was no question as to which category her fiancé’s truly ghastly pillow, which appeared to have been around "since the dawn of time,” fell into.

"My fiancé has a pillow that is so horribly disgusting that I fear even being in the same bed as it. I fear laying beside it, because I think I could probably catch something from it,” McClary began in a TikTok video. One might assume she’s being a bit hyperbolic (there’s always that one thing of our significant others that gives us the irrational ick, right?) but once you see this horror show of a pillow, you’ll think McClary is being merciful.

Watch:

@rutttyy01 It’s bad #fyp #fypシ #foryoupage ♬ original sound - Abigheal💅🏻

Dear god, did you even know such a horrid shade of sickly brown existed?!!

"The pillow looks like it coughs constantly,” one person wrote.

Another added, “I’ve never seen a rotten pillow."

All jokes aside—and it probably goes without saying—that this is objectively unsanitary. According to WebMd, pillows should generally be washed once or twice a year, and replaced about every two years. Pillowcases, on the other hand, should be washed weekly, unless they aren’t used nightly, so sayeth Martha Stewart. Not that this heathen uses a pillowcase at all!

Having our faces exposed to unclean pillow night after night not only puts us right in the pathway of respiratory pathogens, but also plenty of acne-causing bacteria. Although, by the grace of god, McClary said in her video that "This man has no pimples on his face laying on this thing ...I have no clue how." Honestly, neither do we. He needs to be studied.

As one person joked, “he doesn’t get pimples because he’s created a micro bioverse that’s evolved so far into the future they must feed on his dead skin cells to continue their micro society…that’s the only explanation.”

Though McClary mentioned that her fiancé wouldn’t let her wash this unsightly pillow, nor put a pillowcase on it (he apparently likes it because “it’s cool on both sides”) she must have talked some sense into him because subsequent videos show her dunking the thing into a bath, using a concoction of bleach, Shout, baking powder, and some other cleaning agents.

@rutttyy01 Pillow update : the pillows journey #fyp #foryoupage #foryou #fypシ ♬ original sound - Abigheal💅🏻

Each time, the pillow acted as a giant, heavy teabag, staining the water a murky brown.

However, as fate would have it, McClary put the pillow in a dryer after its soaking, and when she opened the door, there were nothing but shreds.

Folks rightfully guessed that the bleach used in the bath deteriorated the fabric…but in truth, we all suspect the dryer just wanted to put the pillow out of its misery.

“The dryer knew what needed to be done,” one viewer quipped.

@rutttyy01 Pillow update : Tragic # What do yall want to see next? #fyp #foryoupage #foryou #fypシ ♬ original sound - Abigheal💅🏻

Hopefully, this acts as a highly entertaining little PSA to please, please, please keep your pillows clean. Otherwise, those who share a bed with you can’t be held responsible for their actions.

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