In the age of “being real” about our lives, the idea that marriage is hard has become a standard trope. People love to talk about how long-term relationships take work, couples have conflicts, and marriage counselors exist for a reason.
However, there’s a counterargument to the “marriage is hard” idea, and one woman is stating it clearly. Haley made a video saying that the hill she will die on is that “marriage is not hard.”
“If you think marriage itself is hard, then you’re probably not with the right person,” she said. “Life is hard. Extenuating circumstances in your life can be very difficult. And they can put pressure on your life and on your marriage, for sure. But the marriage itself is not meant to be hard. Like, my marriage gets me through the hard other things of life.”
Should marriage be hard?
It’s a pretty bold set of statements. But how much of it applies across the board?
Some people agreed with her completely:
“Agreed. Life is hard, your relationship should make it easier.”
“My marriage is the EASIEST part of my life.”
“Marriage isn’t hard. Life is hard and your person makes it easier.”
“My marriage is what makes the ‘bad days’ not so bad. Life is hard but being married to the right person is not.”
“I totally agree. Marriage is not hard – LIFE is hard. But if you are with the right person you will face the difficult times together as a united front.”
“Life is hard, marriage should be the respite. If marriage is making your life hard, that’s a partner problem, not a marriage problem. My marriage is my safety from all of life’s messes.”
“I will absolutely die on this hill too. Life can be challenging but my marriage never contributes to those challenges. I’ve been married for 22 years.”
If none of those comments resonate with you, or if you’re now wondering if your not-always-easy marriage is doomed, don’t throw in the towel just yet…
Rethinking what ‘hard’ means in marriage
Not all commenters fully agreed with the idea that marriage isn’t or shouldn’t be hard, however. Largely, it came down to what people mean by “hard.” Some said marriage takes work, but isn’t hard. For others, “work” automatically equals “hard.” However, pretty much all agreed that “hard” doesn’t mean “bad.”
“I disagree and I don’t understand why people associate hard with bad. Anything worth having in life (fitness, relationships, success, etc) are hard. We’ve been together 17 years and continually work on ourselves to be better for each other…sometimes that’s hard. It would be way easier to ignore my toxic traits and stay the same. It should be easy most of the time and it is, but it’s ok if it’s hard sometimes.”
“I also think people can sometimes mistake something taking effort with something being ‘hard.’ Like any close relationship worth having is going to take effort, that doesn’t mean it should be HARD.”
“No, marriage is hard. That doesn’t mean it’s bad or not worth it. Marathons are hard. Kids are hard. Staying fit is hard. Having dogs is hard. All of those things are amazing and wonderful and 100% worth it, but marriage is hard.”
“I think what ppl sort of mix up is something taking work and effort and something being hard. Marriage takes work, effort, and understanding. But it’s worth it. That’s your person. Of course I want to work on our relationship. Evolve how we love one another.”
“26 years in, marriage is MOSTLY not hard. But if you go thinking that if your marriage is hard then you aren’t with the right person, there’s a good chance you’ll bail on the wonderful life meant for you. Marriage IS hard at times, and how the two of you come out of those times will determine how good it is thereafter.”
“I’m currently getting a masters degree in MFT, and I respectfully disagree. Any relationship, regardless of the variety, can be hard. It can be a pretty hurtful thing to tell people that if they feel their marriage is hard sometimes, that they aren’t with the right person. Someone going through a tough period in their marriage could be incredibly distraught hearing something like this. I absolutely agree marriage is amazing, but it can also be hard.”
People who had hard marriages because they married the wrong person weighed in
Sometimes it’s true that marriage is hard because it’s simply a bad partnership, as several commenters attested to:
“Marriage with my ex husband was extremely difficult and almost destroyed me. Marriage with my husband is magical, mystical, wonderful even 3 kids in.”
“I’ve been married twice. One marriage was very hard, the other was not hard. If it’s too hard, it might be the wrong person.”
“My first marriage was incredibly hard, but because so many people told me it would be I just figured it was normal. But now that I’m remarried to someone who I have much more compatibility with I’ve realized marriage shouldn’t be hard at all. It still takes work for sure, but it’s not a source of stress for me any longer – it’s a source of joy and fulfillment that makes getting through life easier.”
“Exactly! My first marriage was hard and awfulllllll my second marriage? Best thing of my life 🤷🏻♀️”
People who’ve had hard-but-good marriages also weighed in
Then again, marriage being hard doesn’t always mean a bad match. The couple might need counseling or other help. It could be that certain phases that strain your relationship make it feel hard. People shared those experiences, too:
“My marriage was VERY hard before we got therapy. both individual and couples. almost 5 years of hard work later, it’s a freaking breeze. yeah we still get annoyed at each other but we now have the tools to communicate with each other.”
“Meshing two lives together has inherently difficult aspects to it so I feel it’s a bit foolish to tell people they aren’t with the right person if they think marriage itself can be hard. My wife is amazing and not only is my life so much better with her in it, but I have grown to be a much better person because of her being in my life. There absolutely have been times when the marriage itself has been difficult though. You know you are with the right person when both parties are wanting, willing, and able to work through those difficulties together.”
“Marriage can be hard during different seasons of your life. But if you take the time to nurture it, you’ll be ok. I’ve been married almost 31 years and with my husband for 38. We’ve gone through hard things, but we know that the hard things will pass if we lean on each other.”
Reframing ‘hard’ or ‘work’ as ‘tending’ a relationship
So what’s the verdict? Though it’s hard to make sweeping generalizations about marriage, it seems reasonable to say that marriage itself should not make life harder. Ideally, marriage should be a safe place and a refuge from the hard parts of life. Many marriages actually are “easy,” whether it’s due to personality or attitude.
But by far, the most popular comment was this one: “Tangentially related, reframing ‘relationships take work’ to ‘relationships need tending’ is huge.” Work sounds hard. Tending sounds life-giving. That simple mindset shift can make a big difference.
But if marriage is hard, it doesn’t necessarily spell doom. Perhaps the couple needs to do some work, individually or together. Maybe it’s a season where the marriage needs some extra tending. Or if both of those efforts fail, it could be worth exploring whether the match, not marriage itself, is the issue.
Here’s to the marriages that are easy and to those that need a little more tending.
You can follow Haley on TikTok.
