+
upworthy
Well Being

Woman shares 15 things no one tells you about having a miscarriage

pregnancy, miscarriage

There are lots of things we all should know about the reality of miscarriage.

Miscarriage is a tough topic that many are hesitant to talk about. The private nature of losing a pregnancy and the complex feelings that come along with it creates a silence that leaves those experiencing it feeling alone and those not experiencing it ignorant of the reality.

According to the Mayo Clinic, about 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, which means we all know someone who has or will experience it at least once, even if we don't experience it ourselves. To best support those who do, it's important that we all have a better understanding of what a miscarriage can entail, logistically, emotionally and even financially.

Twitter user Kristen R. Moore shared 15 things she learned about miscarriage that she didn't know before going through one herself, and her thread has prompted others to share their experiences as well.


"Today, I paid over $1000 out of pocket for my miscarriage," she wrote. "They didn't tell me it would cost so much to lose a baby. Here are other things they don't tell you about miscarriages."

Then she shared a thread describing 14 other eye-opening realities she went through during and after her miscarriage.

"1. It takes a long time. It's not an event that's suddenly over. It's like a fucking marathon. A sad, dehydrated marathon with nothing on the end but empty.

2. Practitioners who support birth don't necessarily know how to support miscarriage—the joy of birth is so stark when compared to the grief and loss of miscarriage. Some of y'all need training.

3. There is medication to help the miscarriage along. It is used for abortion, too, and your pharmacist may treat you like you're entering an abortion clinic when you want more information about how it works.


4. The most commonly used medication is officially prescribed for ulcers; all use for miscarriage management is "off books." This gives your pharmacist permission (tacit or explicit) to deny you information about vaginal (rather than oral) use.

5. The informational inserts for the medication—Misoprostol—warn you about how it can trigger miscarriage. If you have a decent pharmacist, they'll give you supplemental information that they print off from the internet.

6. When you've been through infertility treatments, a natural pregnancy doesn't always feel like a miracle. Sometimes it feels like a tightrope walk, a risk, a pain waiting to happen.

7. Miscarriage is so, so lonely. Y'all. The emptying of your body like that…bless it. You really DON'T want to talk about it, but you sometimes want to scream about it. Where can we go to scream?

8. You want it to speed up and slow down all at once. Hurry, hurry, hurry up, and then no, don't go--please don't go.

9. Non-birthing parents are ignored in the miscarriage experience: their grief and pain and suffering is real, too.

10. When the miscarriage happens at 13 weeks, the weight stays on; you still have to pull out the pregnancy pants, as a reminder of your previous maternity state.

11. No one talks about it, so you don't know how to talk about. People say the wrong thing, but you're so sad that you don't want to say, 'don't ever say that to a person miscarrying.'

12. Related, do not recommend: 'But you can try again soon, right?' upon hearing the news. Also, do not recommend: 'Everything happens for a reason.' Or 'This is all part of God's plan.'

13. There are humans who feel like little angels, the tech who asks if you want to hear the lack of heartbeat, the friend you can scream with, the partner who'll hold you in your grief. Mostly they feel like blips on a terrible painful road.

14. It's expensive and painful (like birth) and at the end you don't get anything except a bill and a new playlist called, 'Shit to help you get through the baby that never was.'"

It's rare that we get the inside look at miscarriage that Moore's thread offers, and her courageous sharing will undoubtedly help both those who have experienced it to be seen and those who haven't to understand.

Others added to the thread with their own details as well.

Some commenters pointed out how their work provided no paid time off so they either had to work right after their miscarriage or take unpaid time off (and still get flack for it). Reason #3,782 why the lack of universal guaranteed paid leave in the U.S. is ridiculous. (In the meantime, New Zealand offers bereavement leave after a pregnancy loss. Why Americans aren't marching in the streets daily over our healthcare and paid leave situation is a mystery.)

The cruelty of that reality is compounded by the fact that miscarriage is not a one-time event that is then over and done with. For some people, in so many ways, the trauma of it ends up being relived over and over again.

These are things that we all need to understand for ourselves, for our loved ones and for anyone we know who might experience losing a baby through miscarriage.

The full picture is even more complex, of course. Everyone's emotional experience is unique, and how someone feels about a miscarriage depends on many factors, so broad generalizations aren't necessarily helpful. For people with an unwanted pregnancy, a miscarriage might even come as somewhat of a relief. However, that doesn't change the physical or financial realities of going through one.

Whatever the circumstances, having greater knowledge of what a person might be going through when they have a miscarriage can help us offer more compassionate support. Thank you, Kristen Moore, for being open about your experience and getting the ball rolling on this important conversation.

Image from Pixabay.

Under the sea...

True
The Wilderness Society


You're probably familiar with the literary classic "Moby-Dick."

But in case you're not, here's the gist: Moby Dick is the name of a huge albino sperm whale.

(Get your mind outta the gutter.)

Keep ReadingShow less
Family

More parents are taking 'teen-ternity leave' from work to support their teenage kids

Parenting through the teen years takes a lot more time and energy than people expect.

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

Raising kids through adolescence is not for the faint of heart.

When you have a baby, it's expected that you'll take some maternity or paternity leave from work. When you have a teen, it's expected that you'll be in the peak of your career, but some parents are finding the need to take a "teen-ternity leave" from work to support their adolescent kids.

It's a flip from what has become the traditional trajectory for modern parents. Despite the fact that the U.S. is the only developed nation in the world to not have mandated paid parental leave, most parents take at least some time off when a baby is born to recover physically from pregnancy and birth and to settle into life with their tiny new human. Many parents then opt to have one parent stay home full-time during their children's younger years, as full-time childcare is often cost prohibitive, and raising babies and toddlers requires an enormous amount of time, attention and energy.

Parents often return to work when their kids are in school full-time, and many feel a bit of a respite from the relentlessness of parenting as their kids become more independent and capable of doing things on their own. It's not that older kids don't need their parents, but their needs are different. Physical parenting gives way to more complex emotional parenting as kids get older, and for a while, those emotional challenges are somewhat simple.

Then the tween years come along. Then the teens. And for some parents, a realization hits that parenting kids through puberty takes almost as much time, attention and energy, as toddlers do. Only now, those needs are much more complicated and consequential.

Keep ReadingShow less

"The Carol Burnett Show" had one of the funniest outtakes in TV history.

"The Carol Burnett Show" ran from 1967 to 1978 and has been touted as one of the best television series of all time. The cast and guest stars of the show included comedic greats such as Tim Conway, Betty White, Steve Martin, Vicki Lawrence, Dick Van Dyke, Lyle Waggoner, Harvey Korman and others who went on to have long, successful comedy careers.

One firm rule Carol Burnett had on her show was that the actors stay in character. She felt it was especially important not to break character during the "Family" scenes, in which the characters Ed and Eunice Higgins (a married couple) and Mama (Eunice's mother) would play host to various colorful characters in their home.

"I never wanted to stop and do a retake, because I like our show to be ‘live,’" she wrote in her memoir, as reported by Showbiz Cheat Sheet. "So when the ‘Family’ sketches came along, I was adamant that we never break up in those scenes, because Eunice, Ed, and Mama were, in an odd way, sacred to me. They were real people in real situations, some of which were as sad and pitiful as they were funny, and I didn’t want any of us to break the fourth wall and be out of character.”

It was a noble goal, and one that went right out the window—with Burnett leading the way—in a "Family" sketch during the show's final season that ended with the entire cast rolling with laughter.

Keep ReadingShow less
Family

People are debating the merits of a 24-hour daycare and the discussion is eye-opening

There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding about the need for this.

StableDiffusion

Are 24-hour daycares a good idea?

Millions of American parents utilize daycare centers while they work. Since most people work during the day, most daycare center hours fall somewhere between 7:30am and 5:30pm. It's rare to find a daycare that's open after normal working hours.

But one "24-hour" daycare in Houston captured people's attention—and sparked a debate—when a mom posted about it on TikTok.

Adventure Kids Playcare in Houston isn't actually open 24 hours a day but it does offer childcare up to 10:00pm during the week and until midnight on Friday and Saturday nights. In the video, the mom drops her daughter off and we hear the employee tell her they close at midnight. The mom later says she picked her daughter up at 11:55pm.

Reactions to the video rand the gamut from "24-hour daycares are a brilliant idea for parents who work odd shifts" to "Moms shouldn't be leaving their kids at a daycare late at night just so they can go out," sparking a fascinating and eye-opening discussion.

Keep ReadingShow less

A dad is looking for a little more respect at home.

The title of dad or father is a sweet and respectful way to acknowledge a child's special bond with their male parent. It signifies love and respect and shows appreciation for his role in their life. But the title works both ways. The term dad reminds fathers of the responsibility to guide and protect their kids.

The importance of the unique role dads play in their kids’ lives is why a father named Steve was upset with his wife for repeatedly using his first name when referring to him with their preteen children.

The father vented about the situation and asked if he was wrong in a Reddit post with over 10,000 responses.

“My wife recently started using my first name when referring to me to our preteen kids, as in ‘Steve's gonna pick you up from school tomorrow,’” the father wrote on Reddit’s AITA forum. “I asked her not to when I first heard it, saying I don't really like when you use my first name to the kids. Can you say ‘your dad’ or ‘dad’?”

Keep ReadingShow less

Husband's portrait of wife is so bad that she nearly stops breathing

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but what if what your eyes behold is objectively...not good? In what appears to be a creative way to spend quality time together for a married couple, things go hilariously wrong. Ted Slaughter, uploaded a video to his TikTok page of an activity he and his wife did together.

Slaughter's wife seems to be holding the phone so you can clearly see what appears to be a painting of Slaughter, who is sitting at the other end of the table in front of an easel. The text overlay on the video says, "husband and wife paint portraits of each other (gone wrong). But what could possibly be wrong, sure his wife's attempt isn't art gallery ready just yet but it's not bad.

Based on the critiques the man had of his wife's painting, surely his looks much closer to professional level work. Right?...Right?

Keep ReadingShow less