In the latest season of the popular reality game showThe Traitors, Rob Rausch emerged as the winner and the sole surviving Traitor. One reason he won was because he was able to see through the lies of his fellow competitors. A body language expert explained how Rausch was able to read people and win the entire cash prize.
Vanessa Van Edwards said that Rausch was able to discern who was lying to him and who was telling the truth while showing a clip from the show. In the Traitors clip, Rausch explained his strategy for trying to win the dagger prize through a game that required him to find who had it by asking questions.
Rausch explained that he was able to be a “human lie detector.” He would ask questions that he already knew the answers to and monitor his competitors’ responses. He would then ask whether the person had the dagger, watching how they responded to determine whether they were lying. After observing competitor Natalie Anderson’s responses, Rausch concluded that she was lying and had the dagger.
On TikTok, Van Edwards explained that Rausch was using a technique called “baselining.” Baselining involves making mental notes of a person’s baseline behaviors when they are speaking comfortably and truthfully. If you notice a person displaying atypical behavior when answering a question, it could be a sign that they’re lying, uncomfortable, or conveying a specific nonverbal response.
For example, if a person who doesn’t normally touch others when speaking to them suddenly touches you, that could indicate extra interest. In contrast, if someone who is known for touching people while speaking to them doesn’t touch you, they could be hiding something. In the case of The Traitors, Van Edwards said Rausch interpreted Anderson’s lip purse in response to his question as an indication that she was lying.
How baselining can help day-to-day life
Being able to baseline a person’s behavior can be helpful both professionally and personally. Professionals consider it one of the cornerstones of negotiation in business because both sides of a deal are likely withholding information. Much like in a game of poker, business professionals aren’t showing their “full hand” and are looking for “tells” before contracts are signed.
In terms of home life, baselining a family member can be especially helpful when communicating with children. This isn’t in a business negotiation or interrogation sense, though. Noticing a loved one’s common behaviors when speaking and seeing aberrations could indicate that something is wrong. You could approach them privately to ask if anything is making them feel uncomfortable and offer help. This way, you’re spotting their lies not to confront them, but to let them know they’re seen and that you’re someone they can trust.
In March 2023, after months of preparation and paperwork, Anita Omary arrived in the United States from her native Afghanistan to build a better life. Once she arrived in Connecticut, however, the experience was anything but easy.
“When I first arrived, everything felt so strange—the weather, the environment, the people,” Omary recalled. Omary had not only left behind her extended family and friends in Afghanistan, she left her career managing child protective cases and supporting refugee communities behind as well. Even more challenging, Anita was five months pregnant at the time, and because her husband was unable to obtain a travel visa, she found herself having to navigate a new language, a different culture, and an unfamiliar country entirely on her own.
“I went through a period of deep disappointment and depression, where I wasn’t able to do much for myself,” Omary said.
Then something incredible happened: Omary met a woman who would become her close friend, offering support that would change her experience as a refugee—and ultimately the trajectory of her entire life.
Understanding the journey
Like Anita Omary, tens of thousands of people come to the United States each year seeking safety from war, political violence, religious persecution, and other threats. Yet escaping danger, unfortunately, is only the first challenge. Once here, immigrant and refugee families must deal with the loss of displacement, while at the same time facing language barriers, adapting to a new culture, and sometimes even facing social stigma and anti-immigrant biases.
Welcoming immigrant and refugee neighbors strengthens the nation and benefits everyone—and according to Anita Omary, small, simple acts of human kindness can make the greatest difference in helping them feel safe, valued, and truly at home.
A warm welcome
Dee and Omary's son, Osman
Anita Omary was receiving prenatal checkups at a woman’s health center in West Haven when she met Dee, a nurse.
“She immediately recognized that I was new, and that I was struggling,” Omary said. “From that moment on, she became my support system.”
Dee started checking in on Omary throughout her pregnancy, both inside the clinic and out.
“She would call me and ask am I okay, am I eating, am I healthy,” Omary said. “She helped me with things I didn’t even realize I needed, like getting an air conditioner for my small, hot room.”
Soon, Dee was helping Omary apply for jobs and taking her on driving lessons every weekend. With her help, Omary landed a job, passed her road test on the first attempt, and even enrolled at the University of New Haven to pursue her master’s degree. Dee and Omary became like family. After Omary’s son, Osman, was born, Dee spent five days in the hospital at her side, bringing her halal food and brushing her hair in the same way Omary’s mother used to. When Omary’s postpartum pain became too great for her to lift Osman’s car seat, Dee accompanied her to his doctor’s appointments and carried the baby for her.
“Her support truly changed my life,” Omary said. “Her motivation, compassion, and support gave me hope. It gave me a sense of stability and confidence. I didn’t feel alone, because of her.”
More than that, the experience gave Omary a new resolve to help other people.
“That experience has deeply shaped the way I give back,” she said. “I want to be that source of encouragement and support for others that my friend was for me.”
Extending the welcome
Omary and Dee at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Vision Awards ceremony at the University of New Haven.
Omary is now flourishing. She currently works as a career development specialist as she continues her Master’s degree. She also, as a member of the Refugee Storytellers Collective, helps advocate for refugee and immigrant families by connecting them with resources—and teaches local communities how to best welcome newcomers.
“Welcoming new families today has many challenges,” Omary said. “One major barrier is access to English classes. Many newcomers, especially those who have just arrived, often put their names on long wait lists and for months there are no available spots.” For women with children, the lack of available childcare makes attending English classes, or working outside the home, especially difficult.
Omary stresses that sometimes small, everyday acts of kindness can make the biggest difference to immigrant and refugee families.
“Welcome is not about big gestures, but about small, consistent acts of care that remind you that you belong,” Omary said. Receiving a compliment on her dress or her son from a stranger in the grocery store was incredibly uplifting during her early days as a newcomer, and Omary remembers how even the smallest gestures of kindness gave her hope that she could thrive and build a new life here.
“I built my new life, but I didn’t do it alone,” Omary said. “Community and kindness were my greatest strengths.”
Are you in? Click here to join the Refugee Advocacy Lab and sign the #WeWillWelcome pledge and complete one small act of welcome in your community. Together, with small, meaningful steps, we can build communities where everyone feels safe.
This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.
There seem to be two different ways of thinking about who we are attracted to, whether it’s in a romantic or a social relationship. Is it that opposites attract, or do birds of a feather flock together? The evidence overwhelmingly shows that likability has much more to do with what we share with others than with the traits that set us apart.
In fact, a 2023 study from the University of Colorado Boulder found that historically, romantic couples tend to share between 82% and 89% of the same personality traits.
“Our findings demonstrate that birds of a feather are indeed more likely to flock together,” said study author Tanya Horwitz, a doctoral candidate in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience and the Institute for Behavioral Genetics, in a press release.
“How can we use the similarity-attraction effect to be more likable? Easy. You want to highlight your similarities. Here’s how to do this in an authentic way,” Van Edwards says in her video before sharing her three-step process:
Step 1: Search for similarities
“When you first meet someone, you should constantly be on the lookout for similarities. Are you both drinking red wine? Do you both know the host from work? Do you both love Thai food? Orient your first few conversational topics to find mutual likes and dislikes.”
Step 2: Capitalize on similarities
“Once you find a similarity, don’t let it pass you by. For example, if they think cilantro tastes like soap—because it does—share in the grossness. Double down on that disgusting little herb by saying, ‘Oh yeah, cilantro is the silent food killer. I’m totally on the same page.’ I’m a big fan of the high five, too. If I hear someone also loves Seinfeld, I’m like, ‘High five.’”
Step 3: Extend similarities
“This means using the similarity as a conversational diving board. If you both love watching soccer, ask if they’ve ever played. If they’re big into hiking, ask for their favorite trail and maybe throw out an option to go hike together. This builds on the similarity-attraction effect and creates rapport.”
It’s also important that when we meet people, we ask them about their likes and dislikes, because one of the quickest tricks to being likable when you meet someone new is to ask plenty of questions. Harvard University performed a study and found that after you ask someone the first question, ask two follow-ups, and they’ll be much more likely to like you. Studies show that the most likable people like others.
Now, for a tongue-twister takeaway from this likability story: We like people who are like us, and we also like people who like us. “So get real on what you love, and then highlight that love in other people,” Van Edwards says at the end of her video.
Building healthy relationships starts with having good social skills. Feeling confident jumping into casual conversations and small talk can take practice—especially for people dealing with social anxiety.
But mastering social skills at work and with friends can help you better engage with people and connect in an authentic way, avoiding feelings of awkwardness and self-consciousness.
To help people struggling with their social skills, self-described “recovering awkward person” and behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards shared her best advice in a YouTube video. Van Edwards describes social skills as the “tools we use to communicate, relate, and build relationships.”
She explains the 14 different types of social skills to help people better understand where their strengths lie and how to capitalize on them to make interactions with others feel natural and effortless.
“I want you to think of social skills differently,” says Van Edwards. “Not all social skills are created equal. There are 14 different ways we can be likable, authentic, and charismatic.”
Skill #1: Linchpin
Van Edwards describes the Linchpin social skill as “the gatherer.”
“You are the social glue,” she says. “What’s really great about you is that typically you are a bridge.”
These are the characteristics of a Linchpin:
I am the glue that holds my social group together.
As a team member, I’m involved in lots of projects, bringing ideas and people together.
I am the only person who talks to everyone in my family.
Skill #2: Conversationalist
Van Edwards describes the Conversationalist social skill as someone with the “gift of gab” who is good at small talk.
These are the characteristics of a Conversationalist:
You have been told you are a great conversationalist.
You are good at both leading and facilitating deep conversations.
You speak articulately and can easily express yourself.
Skill #3: Comedian
Van Edwards notes that the Comedian is great at presenting, leading meetings, being a host, and “making people feel at ease.”
These are the characteristics of a Comedian:
I am funny.
I love to make people laugh.
I can always see the bright side of any situation.
“What we don’t realize is that we are speaking all the time,” says Van Edwards—from giving directions to telling a story.
These are the characteristics of a Speaker:
I can captivate an audience.
I love being on stage or leading a meeting (even on video!).
I love writing speeches, giving toasts, and delivering presentations.
Skill #5: Influencer
Van Edwards says the Influencer social skill is especially helpful in business.
“You have no problem talking about who you are and what you do,” she says, adding that Influencers are good at expressing ideas and getting people to agree with them.
These are the characteristics of an Influencer:
People typically listen to what I have to say.
I can be very persuasive.
I am good at pitching myself.
Skill #6: Listener
Van Edwards notes that this is the social skill she struggles with most, adding that she is highly “neurotic.”
“I’m always so worried there is going to be an awkward silence,” she says. “So the moment there is any kind of break, I try to hop in and make sure people are okay.”
To help with this, she took an eight-day “vow of silence,” which she says helped her become a better Listener.
These are the characteristics of a Listener:
People always come to you to vent, complain, or talk about their problems.
You tend to listen more than you talk.
You are very good at being fully present with people and giving them your full attention.
Skill #7: Magnet
“Very few people have this social skill. They’re just attractors,” says Van Edwards. “The moment they walk into a room, people are just drawn to them.”
These are the characteristics of a Magnet:
People usually like you.
You are charismatic and authentic.
People find you approachable and warm.
Skill #8: Storyteller
Van Edwards says that people who are good at storytelling can leverage this skill into toasts, presentations, and speeches.
These are the characteristics of a Storyteller:
I always have a story to share.
I save and remember good stories.
People always ask me to give toasts or introduce people.
Skill #9: Nurturer
“When you are a Nurturer, you cannot help it,” says Van Edwards. “You want to nurture everyone and everything. You’re always worried about others more than yourself.”
She adds that the danger of this includes “having trouble saying no. You probably have trouble setting boundaries. And you might have difficult or toxic people in your life that you have trouble getting rid of.”
These are the characteristics of a Storyteller:
You love taking care of people.
You tend to be a people-pleaser and have trouble saying “no.”
You are very empathetic and compassionate.
Skill #10: Decoder
“Decoders are sleuths,” says Van Edwards. “You’re super perceptive. You’re typically good at reading between the lines.”
These are the characteristics of a Decoder:
I am very perceptive.
I can usually tell what people are thinking and feeling.
“Leaders typically are good at influencing, but they’re even better at seeing an entire team or family or group and taking the pulse of [it] and trying to guide to one direction,” says Van Edwards.
These are the characteristics of a Leader:
I like to empower others.
People often come to me for guidance.
I am better at giving directions than following them.
Skill #12: Connector
“Connectors are good at knowing who should know who, and are very good at building a very robust network that you can rely on,” says Van Edwards.
These are the characteristics of a Connector:
I spend a lot of time and effort networking with others.
I am good at building relationships with influential people.
I have developed a large network of colleagues and associates whom I can call on for support when I really need to get things done.
Skill #13: Dreambuilder
“Dreambuilders are often cheerleader types, so they’re really positive and really optimistic,” says Van Edwards. “You’re really good at encouraging and appreciating people.”
These are the characteristics of a Dreambuilder:
You are great at solving people’s problems.
You love to encourage people.
You are known as a fixer.
Skill #14: Chameleon
“If you are a Chameleon, you are great at adapting yourself,” says Van Edwards. “You’re probably the person who has a little bit of everything [social skills].”
Visualize this: your boss suddenly turns to you in a meeting and asks, “What do you think?” Your mind goes blank. You were paying attention, but being put on the spot feels intense. Your heart pounds. You try to respond, unsure of what to say, and then replay the moment in your mind for the next hour.
Luckily, Abrahams has spent his career studying what happens in these high-pressure moments and, more importantly, how we can handle them well. He’s not only an academic; he also coaches some of the world’s top speakers, including executives, Nobel Prize presenters, and TED Talk headliners.
Let’s look at how this six-step system works in real situations.
Mindset: How to stop holding yourself back
The first four steps of Abrahams’ system are about what happens in your mind before you say anything.
Step 1: Calm–Tame your anxiety
Anxiety isn’t a personal weakness; it’s part of being human. Abrahams explains that our fear of speaking in front of others comes from evolution. It’s a reaction that started when our place in a group was important for survival. Knowing this may not stop your sweaty palms, but it can help you see the experience differently.
Still, anxiety feels very real. To help with it, Abrahams tackles both the symptoms and the causes. For the symptoms, he suggests deep belly breathing, making your exhale twice as long as your inhale. He calls this the “rule of lung.” For example, breathe in for three counts and out for six. Try this a few times before an important meeting or when you expect questions. The longer exhale helps your body relax.
Anxiety comes from worrying about what might happen. The best way to fight it is to stay present. Abrahams suggests using tongue twisters, counting backward from 100 by 17s, or greeting people before you speak. These tricks keep you focused on the moment, so there’s less room to worry about what could go wrong.
Step 2: Unlock–Aim for “good enough”
This part often surprises people. Abrahams tells his Stanford MBA students to “strive for mediocrity so that you can achieve greatness.” Most of them are shocked when they hear this.
His reason makes sense. When you try to speak perfectly, part of your mind is talking while another part is judging you. This inner critic uses up your mental energy. Abrahams borrows from improv and says to “dare to be dull.” Lowering the pressure helps you get unstuck. Once you start talking, your confidence and momentum grow.
Step 3: Redefine–See problems as opportunities
For most people, public speaking feels like a test you either pass or fail. Abrahams suggests a new way to look at it: “We have to see these situations as opportunities, not threats.”
Changing your mindset makes a big difference. A question from the audience becomes an occasion to connect. An unexpected follow-up in a meeting is an opportunity to show what you know. Abrahams also cites the “Yes, And” idea from improv, which means accepting what’s happening and building on it instead of fighting it.
Step 4: Listen–Pace, space, grace
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Abrahams uses a framework from his colleague, Collins Dobbs, called “pace, space, grace.”
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Photo credit: Canva
Pace explains the benefits of holding back before answering. Most of us start thinking of our answer before the other person is done talking. Space is about giving yourself a moment, maybe by asking a clarifying question or repeating what you heard before you reply. Grace is about trusting your gut. Sometimes, people don’t need an answer—they need to be acknowledged, supported, or just have a different kind of conversation. Learning to detect this is a valuable skill.
Messaging: Deciding what to say and how to say it
Once you have the right mindset, the next two steps help you figure out what to say.
Step 5: Structure – Organize your thoughts on the fly
This is where Abrahams’ approach gets really useful. He believes that if you know the basic outline of your answer ahead of time, you can focus on incorporating details that matter to you.
To help you speak off the cuff, he suggests a simple three-part structure: “What? So what? Now what?” This method helps you organize your thoughts clearly, even when you’re caught off guard.
First, state your main idea, position, or key information. (What?)
Next, explain why it matters to your audience. (So what?)
Finally, suggest what should happen next or what action to take. (Now what?)
This structure isn’t a script—it’s sort of like a recipe. You bring the ideas, and the framework helps you put them together.
Step 6: Focus – Get to the point
Be explicit and direct about your purpose. Abrahams shares his mother’s advice: “Tell me the time, don’t build me the clock.” In other words, when someone asks a question, they want the answer, not the whole backstory.
To stay on track, Abrahams suggests asking yourself before you speak: What do I want this person to understand? How do I want them to feel? What do I want them to do? This three-part goal—”know, feel, do”—helps you avoid rambling. When you have a clear goal, you get to the point faster.
This means practicing out loud, not just in your head. It also helps to record yourself and watch the video, since there’s often a difference between how we think we sound and how others see us. Ask for honest feedback, not just reassurance.
He recommends building a “communication pantry“—a set of stories, examples, and facts you can use when you need them. The more you have ready, the easier it is to respond on the spot.
Improving one discussion at a time
What’s great about Abrahams’ approach is that you don’t have to pretend to be someone else. Instead, use what you already have—your knowledge, experience, and real desire to connect—so you can rely on those strengths even when you’re under pressure.
Abrahams often says “connection over perfection,” which is a helpful signal of what really matters. The goal of speaking off the cuff isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be present, helpful, and real. When you stop worrying about performing and focus on the person you’re talking to, you actually get better at it.
Start small. Before your next meeting, take three deep breaths. Pick a simple structure, like “what, so what, now what,” and give it a try. Notice what happens. Like any skill, you’ll get better with practice, one discussion at a time.
Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people’s words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.
People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?
Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.
This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.
To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What’s a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.
Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.
1. You immediately overshare
“You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share.”
2. They’re hard to read
“They themselves are typically hard to read.”
“Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know.”
“Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better.”
“My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking.”
4. They had unpredictable parents
“Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse.”
“This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there’s a good chance bad things happen to me. It’s born out of necessity.”
5. They know you before you open your mouth
“They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding.”
6. They’re accurate
“When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate… like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different.”
“People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times.”
“OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I’ve ever seen…and she’s terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems.”
8. They understand receptivity
“Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others.”
“When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.
You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?
Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?
I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?
NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them.”
10. They don’t show it
“One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic.”
11. You don’t know them, but they know you
“You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface.”
12. They can make friends with anyone
“I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me ‘if I want you to be my friend, you will.’ I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone.”
“That’s kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type.”
Sometimes, it feels like everyone we cross paths with is in their own little world—always in a hurry, always glued to a device. It can feel almost impossible to strike up a conversation with a stranger, even if you have no ulterior motive (like flirting).
Conversational anxiety, or, more broadly, social anxiety, affects about 12-14% of adults and is far more common among young people. These disorders often involve negative thought patterns like “I’m bad at meeting people” or “People dislike chatting with me.” Those thoughts undoubtedly make it harder.
But even people without social anxiety may want to talk to strangers. They simply do not have a good strategy for doing so.
Dating coach Adele Bloch recently took to social media to share a tried-and-true blueprint for striking up harmless, low-stakes conversations with strangers. The key is choosing the where and the how.
Bloch helps her clients find love and relationships, but she also takes on the challenge of helping people connect platonically in a disconnected world. In a recent post on X, she lays out her roadmap for “the art of talking to strangers in public.”
For starters, Bloch explains, the where is critical. People usually aren’t in a chatting mood when they’re engaged in a task or on their way somewhere. That’s why talking to people at the gym can be tricky; you risk coming off as rude by interrupting someone in the middle of something.
“Do it in places where people generally linger,” she suggests. Places like standing in line at a coffee shop or after a group workout class, when people take a few minutes to gather their things before leaving.
The next piece is the tough one: what to say.
“My favorite intro lines are almost as though you’re letting them into your inner monologue,” she writes. Nothing too clever or scripted, less a conversation starter and more like thinking out loud in their general direction. She suggests asking them to help you make a decision on the menu, or even just making a casual observation. A non-physical compliment can work, too.
From there, you’re off and running, she says. In the full post, however, Bloch offers a few more tips on what to do next.
the art of talking to strangers in public:
– do it in places where people generally linger. this can be in line, at coffee shops, after a yoga class, etc. there needs to be an element of slowness so you can easily strike up a convo – wouldn't recommend starting with 'hi' – that… https://t.co/uxywglz46W
The post received over half a million views on X and thousands of likes and comments. Bloch had clearly struck a nerve around a common problem many people share.
Commenters had a lot of thoughts about what impromptu conversations with strangers have meant to them:
“The stakes are so low but the potential for spontaneous great conversation is so high! can’t think of many situations where i regretted taking the initiative”
“I started doing this, significantly helped me get out of my social isolation. Moved to a city and knew nobody Now I have events and hangouts to go to!!”
“Small spontaneous conversations are underrated because they slowly rebuild a sense of community we didn’t even realize we were missing”
Research is clear on the benefits of pleasant human interactions. Yes, even for introverts.
“A growing body of research has found that talking with strangers can contribute to our well-being,” writes Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex.
Sandstrom references a study carried out on commuters in Chicago who were asked to talk to someone on their regular train ride. Overwhelmingly, participants who chatted with a stranger were in a better mood afterward. These small micro-connections make us happier and help us feel less alone. We also learn new things about the world by talking to unexpected people.
However, many people are naturally resistant to talking to folks they don’t know. Those same Chicago commuters, before the experiment, predicted they’d feel uncomfortable striking up conversations and would prefer to sit in silence.
Sandstrom writes that these barriers are driven by fear:
“There are endless things to worry about: What if I don’t like my conversation partner? More importantly, what if they don’t like me, or what if I’m bothering them? What if we run out of things to say? What if I want to end the conversation, but can’t figure out how to?”
Maybe not all, but most of these fears end up being unfounded. That’s the true beauty of Bloch’s viral post.
“You’ll start to realize that people are EXCITED to talk to you! Strangers aren’t as scary as they seem!” she writes. “And you’ll start living a life thats more open and fun!”
Have you ever gone down an Internet rabbit hole? You start researching one thing, then two hours later, find yourself reading about something entirely different? For example, you could have begun with quantum physics only to somehow find yourself engrossed in an e-book about medieval falconry.
Philosopher Perry Zurn and neuroscientist Dani S. Bassett found that people have different approaches to information seeking. Their research shows that these patterns aren’t random, but represent distinct styles of curiosity. This is how we build knowledge, connect ideas, and experience the world.
After analyzing the browsing habits of nearly 500,000 Wikipedia users across 50 countries, Zurn and Bassett identified three archetypal curiosity styles: the Hunter, the Busybody, and the Dancer.
Identifying the curiosity style that suits you best can foster mental flexibility—the type associated with greater happiness and resilience.
Curiosity research through the years
Curiosity has fascinated psychologists for decades. In the 1960s, pioneering researcher Daniel Berlyne drew a crucial distinction between two types of curiosity: Perceptual and Epistemic.
Perceptual curiosity drives us to explore new stimuli. It’s the impulse that compels a child to reach for a shiny object or an adult to pause at the sight of an unusual cloud formation.
A woman looking at the clouds in the sky. Photo credit: Canva
On the other hand, Epistemic curiosity propels us to gain knowledge and understanding. For example, a person might take photos of strange clouds, then identify them in an article about the “ten basic cloud classifications.” In this way, we seek information that moves beyond immediate sensory experiences to build a deeper comprehension.
In 2020, psychologist Todd Kashdan expanded our scientific understanding of curiosity through a five-dimensional study that examined its impact on emotional well-being.
His research revealed that joyous exploration—the pleasurable experience of discovering something new—consistently correlates with positive mental health outcomes. Meanwhile, deprivation sensitivity (which stems from an anxious drive to fill gaps in knowledge) carries a complicated emotional tenor, mixing tension and discomfort with the satisfaction of uncovering the truth.
These frameworks, put forward by Berlyne and Kashdan, set the stage for Zurn and Bassett’s groundbreaking research on curiosity styles.
Meet the styles
The Hunter: focused and goal-driven
Motivated by a specific mission, Hunters find answers by following a targeted path. Think of them as detectives on a case. When they set out on the quest for information, they stay on the trail. They do not wander. Paying close attention to related topics, they methodically build a tight, constrained network of knowledge.
The Hunter searches for answers rationally and methodically. Photo credit: Canva
For the Hunter, finding the correct answer isn’t pleasurable—it’s a relief.
Imagine a Hunter wants to understand how photosynthesis works. Their curiosity becomes a focused exposition. They read articles, check books out from the library, watch YouTube videos, and listen to podcasts until they’ve finally satisfied their desire to learn. They solve the puzzle.
This laser-focused approach to learning is why you’ll commonly find Hunters in STEM fields—science, technology, engineering, and math. These disciplines value precision, logic, and systematic understanding, which come naturally to them.
The Busybody: curious about everything
Busybodies are curious explorers who trace zigzagging routes through a wide range of unrelated topics. They’re the quintessential “rabbit hole” adventurers. They gather scattered bits of information across diverse subjects. For the Busybody, learning does not require a fixed plan or a desired conclusion.
Busybodies love to jump from topic to topic. Photo credit: Canva
A Busybody might begin by reading about the French Revolution. Flipping through the pages, something captures their attention—a detail, a name, an illustration—then they find themselves deep-diving into Japanese tea ceremonies, exploring the nuances of Persian poetry, or delving into the rich history of chocolate. All in one sitting.
The Dancer’s mind does not walk from one idea to the next. It pirouettes. Dancers are the creative synthesizers who take imaginative leaps between seemingly unrelated ideas. They combine existing concepts in new, exciting ways.
Dancers are true creatives who break established norms. Photo credit: Canva
Think of someone who applies philosophy paradigms to their astronomy thesis, or an artist who champions the parallels between musical composition and architectural design. Dancers don’t passively collect information like stamps in a book. They actively transform it.
The Wikipedia study
To explore modern curiosity styles, Zurn and Bassett teamed up with communications scientist David Lydon-Staley. Their first study tracked 149 participants in Philadelphia who browsed Wikipedia for 15 minutes daily over three weeks.
Next, they expanded their research. The team analyzed the browsing patterns of nearly half a million users of the Wikipedia mobile app across 50 countries and 14 languages. For each person, they mapped a “knowledge network” to see which articles they visited and how the topics related to one another.
A graph breaking down the data from the Wikipedia research study. Photo credit: Amanda Montañez
The patterns were clear as three groups emerged. In one, readers formed right clusters of closely related articles. Others built expansive networks covering a wide range of topics. A third group made creative leaps, linking distant knowledge in unexpected ways.
Respectively, these groups formed the basis for Zurn and Bassett’s curiosity archetypes: Hunters, Busybodies, and Dancers.
Curiosity and mental health: the Hunter’s paradox
The study revealed a surprising link between curiosity styles and mental health. Participants who browsed Wikipedia in a focused, goal-oriented manner—the Hunters—reported higher levels of depression and anxiety compared to those who browsed more freely.
This finding is consistent with Kashdan’s research on deprivation curiosity. To assuage the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing, the search itself can become stressful. The relief from finding the answer doesn’t bring joy. It just eases the tension.
Conversely, the exploratory nature associated with the other two curiosity styles—the Dancer and the Busybody—can have a protective effect. With these styles, curiosity stems from genuine interest and a sense of wonder, allowing them to engage in a discovery process that feels positive, open, and less pressured.
By focusing less on outcomes and more on the process, we may find ourselves embracing the possibility of unexpected results.
How to cultivate your curiosity
Your curiosity style isn’t set in stone. Zurn explains that curiosity is a practice. We can learn to strengthen different styles, as we see fit.
For Hunters looking to expand their horizons, set aside time for aimless exploration. While researching your next project, allow yourself to click on an unexpected link—even just one. No matter how trivial or off-topic it may look, see where it takes you.
For the curious but scattered Busybodies, experiment with the “three-click” rule. When you start reading something interesting, commit to exploring at least three related articles before moving on to a new topic. This will build a deeper understanding of specific areas.
For aspiring Dancers, search for connections between incongruent fields. Ask yourself, “How is this similar to something unrelated that I know?” Push past the obvious answers. Allow space for weird, strange, and offbeat ties and relationships to come forward. You could start with “Connections,” a game by The New York Times.
A screenshot from The New York Times game “Connections.”
Remember, all three styles of curiosity serve different purposes. As Bassett emphasizes, each plays an important role. Hunters are society’s experts, people who have mastered a domain and can solve hyper-specific problems. Busybodies fuel the engines of serendipity, amassing a wide range of knowledge that can lead to unexpected insights and creative reframing. Dancers are our original thinkers and innovators, breaking patterns and discovering new, unexplored intellectual terrain.
With great mental flexibility, one can use all three styles and switch between them as needed.
Your curiosity matters
Understanding your curiosity style is more than an intellectual exercise. It’s deeply personal. The way you seek and connect information shapes how you learn. It impacts your mental health. Curiosity lies at the foundation of making connections: between ideas, people, and the inner and outer worlds we’re always trying to make sense of.
The next time you find yourself deep in a rabbit hole, reflect on the path you took to get there. Are you searching for clear answers? Collecting ideas as they pique your interest? Or are you exploring the connections between nonlinear subjects?
Codie Sanchez—an investor, entrepreneur, business strategist, and former journalist—knows a thing or two about winning at conversation. From spending time on Wall Street to helping everyday people build unconventional wealth, she’s learned at least this: “You can be the smartest person in the room and still lose it entirely because of the way you speak.”
She explains in a YouTube video that when it comes to first impressions, everyone is “immediately” graded on the “warmth and competency” of what they’re saying, with the latter being especially crucial in business settings.
And over the years, she noticed that many intelligent people with great ideas get overlooked because of “how that intelligence is delivered.” It often comes down to one of the seven self-sabotage patterns below. (The good news: these are all easy fixes.)
The 7 speaking patterns that sabotage us from being heard
1. Excessive hedging
Hedging in linguistics is the use of cautious, tentative, or vague language. Sanchez uses examples like “but,” “I don’t know,” “maybe,” “could be,” and “I’m not sure.”
While hedging can sometimes be “strategic,” most of us do it to remain polite or to avoid coming across like a “sycophant.”
Knowing the difference between strategic hedging and insecure hedging comes down to whether you’re adding “nuance for clarity” or “padding your statement to avoid social risk.”
2. Overexplaining
“Smart people hate being misunderstood,” says Sanchez, which can lead them to pile on information. Ideas that come across as overly complicated ring less “truthful and more intelligent.” Not only that, it can convey the message that you think “your audience is slow” or that “your idea can’t stand on its own.”
Conversely, simple, easy-to-understand ideas—those with “high processing fluency”—automatically look smarter.
3. Talking too fast
When our nervous system is firing, it’s natural for our pitch and speaking speed to increase. This is unconsciously interpreted as “uncertainty.”
To offset this, Sanchez recommends identifying your most important sentence, aka a “key line,” then taking a breath before it and slowing it down by 20%.
Two people have an animated conversation. Photo credit: Canva
4. Focusing on specs, rather than story
“People remember the story change, not the feature list,” says Sanchez.
While this might at first sound like encouragement to use lots of emotional, flowery words to set the scene, Sanchez instead encourages “ruthless simplicity.”
She then points to Steve Jobs, whose Apple presentations used very few slides and stripped-down language to show how his vision of the future addressed society’s current problems. Needless to say, it worked.
Sanchez says that while it’s “tempting to play it cool, you should be a show-off,” adding, “People who win in life are not the ones in the shadows.”
She also points out that plenty of political figures and business moguls are successful almost exclusively because of their showmanship. However, that doesn’t mean piling on information to prove you know what you’re talking about. Instead, make your point with such simplicity that it makes “everyone else feel smart.”
“Go big and show, but default to the show being simple,” she explains. “Clarity beats cleverness every time.”
6. Not rehearsing
Just as elite athletes and artists dedicate intentional time to their craft, great speakers also invest hours in “deliberate practice.” This includes cutting unnecessary words, practicing pauses, and, perhaps most importantly, saying things out loud.
Sanchez warns that a lack of purposeful practice can lead to rambling, running out of time, panicking, and second-guessing ourselves.
7. Constant self-deprecation
This can be common among high performers as a way to seem “humble.” And to a certain extent, it works. But according to Sanchez, overusing it, especially with people who don’t know you well, can read as “insecurity disguised as humor.”
The pattern behind all these traps: fear
A man holds paper over his head. Photo credit: Canva
Whether it’s fear of rejection, being wrong, being judged, or not being liked, smart people tend to perceive these risks more acutely because they’re better able to recognize complexity.
It goes to show that “winning the room,” as Sanchez puts it, isn’t about knowing the most, but about “managing the perception” of others. We achieve this not by “predefending against every possible criticism,” nor by putting on “fake alpha energy,” but by communicating clearly and letting our ideas stand.
Before important conversations, Sanchez says to run through this checklist:
Am I hedging unnecessarily?
Am I overexplaining?
Am I rushing?
Am I overcomplicating?
Am I landing statements confidently?
Am I comfortable with silence?
While awareness of these things alone can improve your perceived competence “by 15–30%,” Sanchez notes that fixing one element each day and running through the talk out loud “can take you the rest of the way.”
And if this still feels too convoluted, focus on the “3 S’s Rule”: shorter, slower, stronger.
Focusing on speaking more slowly, using fewer filler words, and increasing conviction is more than enough to project authority and command a room. Again, practice incorporating just one of these elements each day.
You can find even more helpful tips like this by following the BigDeal by Codie Sanchez podcast on YouTube.
Are you ever in social situations where the conversation drags and you’re not sure what to do about it? Is it that the other person isn’t engaging, or is it that you’re not interesting? Social anxiety might have you questioning everything in these moments, but what if there were skills you could learn to make conversations more fun for everyone involved, including you?
Charisma on Commandshared a video on YouTube outlining five mistakes people make in conversations that make them seem boring, and five things to do instead that make them more fun to talk to.
The video offers specific examples from celebrity interviews for each of these mistakes and fixes, but here’s the gist:
Mistake #1: Energy ducking
“Energy ducking is when you come into a conversation with low enthusiasm to avoid standing out,” the video states. “The problem is when you make your main focus not standing out, you avoid making a negative or positive impression.”
In other words, you’re bringing nothing fun to the conversation, and most people want to have fun when they talk to others.
Be the first to add playfulness to the conversation. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #1: Be playful
It’s not like you need a super interesting life or amazing stories to make a conversation engaging. You just need to bring a sense of playfulness to it.
“By far the easiest way to initiate playfulness in your life is after you’ve been asked a question,” the video says. “To do so, just answer with an absurd, non-literal answer.”
That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually answer the person’s question.
“It’s just about setting a fun, playful tone first,” the video points out. “Another perk of being playful is it’s very likely that the other person will match you and be playful as well.”
Mistake #2: Assuming interest
If you’ve ever been in a conversation where someone talks on and on about something you have no interest in, you know the urge to escape. Don’t assume people will share your interests or enjoy your out-of-context stories.
Create interest in a story before telling it. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #2: Create interest with a “story gap”
“A story gap is when you build interest in a story by hinting at how it ends without spoiling the punchline,” the video states.
One example the video shares is when comedian Kevin Hart was asked about his relationship with basketball legend Michael Jordan. He responded, “I’ve run into Mike a couple of times. Mike still might be mad at me. True story.”
Now we know something happened between Kevin and Mike that ticked Mike off, but we don’t know what. That piques our interest in hearing the story, because we know enough about the ending to want the details.
Mistake #3: Giving bland, short answers
“If you regularly find conversation stalls after you’ve been asked a question, you may be giving bland one- to five-word answers,” the video states. “A bland answer doesn’t set the other person up with anything to say back…short answers put the conversational pressure on the other person. Now they have to carry the conversation or else let it fall into awkward silence.”
Expanding on simple answers makes for better conversation. Photo credit: Canva
Trick #3: Share enough to make the conversation easy for the other person
This doesn’t mean you should ramble on and on in your answers. Rather than answering in the briefest way possible, add a little detail.
For example, let’s say someone asks where you’re from. You might say, “Chicago,” or even, “I grew up in Chicago.” But that doesn’t give much. You could instead say, “I grew up on the north side of Chicago in an area called Rogers Park. It was an interesting place, because Rogers Park is on the lower end of the socioeconomic spectrum, but just north of it are very wealthy suburbs. That made it a pretty interesting place to grow up.”
An answer like that gives the person a lot to respond to.
Mistake #4: Asking the same boring, default questions
Asking questions is a great way to engage in conversation, but not all questions are created equal. “Where are you from?” is fine, but most people have been asked that a million times.
asking good questions is fun. answering good questions is fun. when both people are having fun, the conversation gets very good. we all enjoy being prompted. you can penetrate to someone’s deepest essence by asking attentive questions, by tugging loose threads they reveal to you.
Trick #4: Ask something that the other person will be excited to answer
It takes more thought to come up with interesting questions, so watching people who are masters at it can help. Examples from the video come largely from Sean Evans, the host of Hot Ones. While his celebrity guests eat wings with increasingly spicy hot sauce, he asks questions about their lives and careers.
“He specifically focuses on asking questions about his guests’ passions or that let them reflect on things they’re proud of,” the video points out. “He also avoids the questions they’ve likely been asked a hundred times in interviews before. And you can see the reactions it gets him.”
A helpful tip for this trick, especially if you don’t know much about the person, is to ask hypothetical questions: “If you had to give away a million dollars tomorrow, who would you give it to?” or “If you had total power over the Internet, what’s the first thing you’d change about it?”
Mistake #5: Being a passive listener
Passive listeners listen but don’t react. That can make a conversation feel really boring, even when you aren’t saying anything. People want to feel that the other person is an active participant in the conversation, even when they’re not talking.
Mirroring is one of my favorite nonverbal cues, it’s a great way to build instant connection. Try subtle mirrors to show warmth and understanding next time you’re in conversation! @MasterClass#MasterClasspic.twitter.com/eXHkEFFHzE
There are actually two tricks to fix the passive listening problem. One is to mirror the person speaking by reflecting their behavior or repeating something they said. For instance, if they’re nodding while telling a story, you can nod along. If they tell you they dropped their phone in a snowbank, you might respond, “In a snowbank? No!”
Laughter can also be a great way to show interest and bring fun into a conversation. Get comfortable laughing when you genuinely find something funny.
“It’s important to note here the goal is not to fake laugh,” the video states. “Instead, you want to cultivate the ability to laugh freely whenever you do find something funny, rather than censor your laughter like most people do, limiting it to a quick chuckle or even just an exhale.”
Conversation skills come as second nature to some people while others have to consciously hone them. The good news is you don’t have to implement all of these tricks in every conversation. Try focusing on one or two that feel most doable for you and see if they help make conversing a more enjoyable experience.
