So you’re at a party and are introduced to someone you have never met before. How do you start the conversation? Many will ask, “What do you do for a living?” but that can make the other person uncomfortable if they feel their career isn’t terribly interesting. It also sounds a lot like you’re secretly asking: “How much money do you make?”
You can also ask, “How was your day today?” but if the other person’s day was uneventful, this could be a real conversation dead-ender. The same goes for “What are you doing this weekend?” They may have no plans or feel uncomfortable sharing them. So, what question do you ask?
What’s the best small talk question to ask?
Terry Gross, the host of NPR’s popular Fresh Air podcast, has interviewed thousands of people, and she always asks: “So, tell me about yourself.” She says the genius of the four-word phrase is that “it allows you to start a conversation without the fear that you’re going to inadvertently make someone uncomfortable or self-conscious,” she said in a New York Times interview. “Posing a broad question lets people lead you to who they are.”
The question lets the person being asked answer in a way that reflects what they really care about. It could be their profession, a hobby, or a cause they care about. Their answer will likely reflect their interests and reveal a lot about who they truly are. It also lets them avoid topics they don’t want to discuss and keeps you from making uncomfortable assumptions.
Asking someone, “Tell me about yourself,” also plays into basic human biology. A Harvard study found that when people talk about themselves, it activates the brain region associated with rewards like food, money, and sex. We naturally enjoy talking about ourselves because it promotes social connection, and that’s what we’re trying to do with small talk, right?
This question also works because studies show that when people meet someone new, they want to understand or relate to them beyond the initial context. So, say you’re at a party for a mutual friend’s birthday. The person you’ve met would also like to relate to you in another context, such as a shared interest or a professional connection. Sociologists call these “multiplex ties,” and sharing them with others is linked to greater well-being.
Be more likable with a few follow-up questions
If you really want to seal the deal and make the person you’re speaking with like you, another Harvard study found that after you ask your introductory question (“Tell me about yourself”), if you ask two follow-up questions, people will rank you much more likable than if you asked the question and then turned the conversation around to yourself.
Sometimes the simplest solution is the best one. You may feel a bit reluctant to ask such a simple question to kick off an interaction. But once the conversation gets flowing, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to ask thought-provoking questions and give interesting answers. It all starts with getting your conversation partner to start talking, and nothing gets people going quite like their favorite topic: themselves.
