You might be shocked to learn that many people don’t like making small talk. Surprise, right? They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know.
However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.
Jefferson Fisher, a Texas personal injury attorney and communications expert, has become massively popular on Instagram—with nearly 6 million followers—for sharing tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, Fisher discussed the number one problem people have while making small talk.
What’s the biggest mistake people make during small talk?
“They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly,” Fisher tells Parade. “It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation.”
“For example, someone says, ‘I just got back from a trip to Italy,’ and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, ‘Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.’ It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. “Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, ‘That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?’ Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard.”
Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classicHow to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners tend to make a better first impression.
How to be more likable
Researchers at Harvard University found that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.
“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study’s authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
Two people have a conversation. Credit: Fauxels/Pexel
People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.
While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
A single door can open up a world of endless possibilities. For homeowners, the front door of their house is a gateway to financial stability, job security, and better health. Yet for many, that door remains closed. Due to the rising costs of housing, 1 in 3 people around the world wake up without the security of safe, affordable housing.
Since 1976, Habitat for Humanity has made it their mission to unlock and open the door to opportunity for families everywhere, and their efforts have paid off in a big way. Through their work over the past 50 years, more than 65 million people have gained access to new or improved housing, and the movement continues to gain momentum. Since 2011 alone, Habitat for Humanity has expanded access to affordable housing by a hundredfold.
A world where everyone has access to a decent home is becoming a reality, but there’s still much to do. As they celebrate 50 years of building, Habitat for Humanity is inviting people of all backgrounds and talents to be part of what comes next through Let’s Open the Door, a global campaign that builds on this momentum and encourages people everywhere to help expand access to safe, affordable housing for those who need it most. Here’s how the foundation to a better world starts with housing, and how everyone can pitch in to make it happen.
Volunteers raise a wall for the framework of a new home during the first day of building at Habitat for Humanity’s 2025 Carter Work Project.
Globally, almost 3 billion people, including 1 in 6 U.S. families, struggle with high costs and other challenges related to housing. A crisis in itself, this also creates larger problems that affect families and communities in unexpected ways. People who lack affordable, stable housing are also more likely to experience financial hardship in other areas of their lives, since a larger share of their income often goes toward rent, utilities, and frequent moves. They are also more likely to experience health problems due to chronic stress or environmental factors, such as mold. Housing insecurity also goes hand-in-hand with unstable employment, since people may need to move further from their jobs or switch jobs altogether to offset the cost of housing.
Affordable homeownership creates a stable foundation for families to thrive, reducing stress and increasing the likelihood for good health and stable employment. Habitat for Humanity builds and repairs homes with individual families, but it also strengthens entire communities as well. The MicroBuild® Initiative, for example, strengthens communities by increasing access to loans for low-income families seeking to build or repair their homes. Habitat ReStore locations provide affordable appliances and building materials to local communities, in addition to creating job and volunteer opportunities that support neighborhood growth.
Marsha and her son pose for a photo while building their future home with Southern Crescent Habitat for Humanity in Georgia.
Everyone can play a part in the fight for housing equity and the pursuit of a better world. Over the past 50 years, Habitat for Humanity has become a leader in global housing thanks to an engaged network of volunteers—but you don’t need to be skilled with a hammer to make a meaningful impact. Building an equitable future means calling on a wide range of people and talents.
Here’s how you can get involved in the global housing movement:
Speaking up on social media about the growing housing crisis
Volunteering on a Habitat for Humanity build in your local community
Travel and build with Habitat in the U.S. or in one of 60+ countries where we work around the globe
Join the Let’s Open the Door movement and, when you donate, you can create your own personalized door
Every action, big and small, drives a global movement toward a better future. A safe home unlocks opportunity for families and communities alike, but it’s volunteers and other supporters, working together with a shared vision, who can open the door for everyone.
Sean Lans got an invitation to his friend’s birthday dinner. He looked up the restaurant. The cheapest entree on the menu was $41. There was also a $35 cover charge at the bar they were hitting afterward. He did the math and proposed a compromise: he’d skip dinner and meet everyone out later.
His friend was not happy about it.
Sean posted about it on TikTok (@seanlans), and the video took off because almost everyone watching had been on one side of this exact conversation at some point. “I’m not looking to spend the equivalent of a week of grocery money on a single night out,” he said in the video. That line landed for a lot of people.
The responses split along pretty predictable lines. Some thought $41 wasn’t that bad and he should have saved up if this friend mattered to him. Others pointed out that nobody should be put in the position of choosing between their budget and showing up for someone’s birthday.
Diners celebrate at a restaurant. Photo credit: Canva
One commenter offered the most reasonable take: “If someone is unable to attend my boujee birthday dinner, that’s fine. I’ll schedule another affordable dinner date for us to celebrate together.”
Sean later told Bored Panda he was surprised to learn how many people assume the birthday host covers everyone, and also surprised that several commenters thought $41 for a single entree was totally reasonable. He also noted that other people in the group didn’t actually want to go to that restaurant either. He was just the one who said so.
You can follow Sean Lans (@seanlans) on TikTok for more financial-based content.
Studies show that when we meet someone new, we check for two traits to decide if we like them. First, we decide whether they have a warm personality. Do they come off as kind, friendly, or accepting? Second, we assess their competence. Are they intelligent, skilled, and do they have basic social skills?
If you pass the warmth/competence round of meeting someone new, another way to make sure that people like you is to make a small blunder. People have already assessed that you’re competent. Making a small mistake and having fun with it will make you more relatable. The psychological phenomenon is known as the Pratfall Effect.
What is the Pratfall Effect?
Psychologist Elliot Aronson first identified the Pratfall Effect in a 1966 experiment in which he had participants listen to an audio recording of someone taking a quiz and doing incredibly well. At the end of the recording, some participants heard the quiz-taker spill coffee on themselves, while others didn’t. Those who heard the coffee spill rated the quiz-taker much higher on likability than those who did not.
The basic reasoning behind the Pratfall Effect is that when someone is seen as competent, a mistake makes them more relatable. A terrific example of this is Jennifer Lawrence tripping at the 2013 Academy Awards. At the moment when she was being awarded for her incredible performance in Silver Linings Playbook, she fell on her face. No doubt this made her all the more likable because everyone watching on TV thought, “Oh, she’s just like me.”
If Lawrence had become angry or cursed the stairs for the fall, people would have thought less of her, but after she fell, she received a standing ovation, and she laughed about it. “You guys are just standing up because you feel bad that I fell, and that’s really embarrassing, thank you,” she opened her speech.
The Pratfall Effect doesn’t work in every situation
Now, the Pratfall Effect will only work to your advantage in a situation where people think that you are competent. If you are really good at your job and you accidentally mispronounce a word in a speech to your coworkers and laugh it off, they will like you more. However, if this is a situation where you are less competent, say, you are learning how to golf, and during a practice swing, you accidentally let go of the club, launching it into the air, people will probably think less of you.
Not everyone has the same reaction to a competent person making a blunder. A follow-up paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people’s reaction to the mistake will differ depending on their level of self-esteem. People with lower self-esteem will feel greater admiration for their boss who spills coffee on their shirt while driving to work because it levels the playing field. But people with high self-esteem who are more comfortable around their boss won’t care as much if they make a mistake.
Ultimately, being likable isn’t about impressing people; it’s about knowing how to be human. The key is that once you’ve proven to others that you know what you’re doing, you can feel free to trip up every once in a while because it’ll make them like you even more.
Fisher was a biological anthropologist and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, best known for pioneering the use of brain imaging to study romantic love. She noted early in her research that love appears in every human society ever studied, and across 170 cultures, there is no example of a society without it. What varies is the expression. What doesn’t vary is the experience.
To understand what love actually does to the brain, Fisher and her colleagues scanned 17 people who described themselves as newly and madly in love. When shown photographs of their partners, a specific region deep at the base of the brain lit up: the ventral tegmental area, or VTA. This is the area that produces dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with wanting, motivation, focus, and craving. It is, Fisher noted, the same region that activates during the rush from cocaine.
Romantic love, she concluded, is not an emotion. It is a drive — a chemical push toward another person that functions like an addiction when it’s working, and like withdrawal when it isn’t.
Then she scanned the people who had been dumped.
All 15 showed activity in the same VTA. The drive, the craving, the wanting was all still there. But two additional regions also lit up. One was associated with calculating gains and losses, the part of the brain that runs obsessive post-mortems, asking what went wrong and whether it could be fixed. The other was associated with deep attachment. In the recently published obituary in The Telegraph, Fisher’s research was described as showing activity also in areas linked to physical pain, risk-taking, obsessive-compulsive behavior, and anger. All of this, running simultaneously, in someone who just wants to stop thinking about a person they no longer have.
“Romantic love is an addiction,” Fisher said. “A perfectly wonderful addiction when it’s going well, and a perfectly horrible addiction when it’s going badly.”
One person who found Fisher’s framing genuinely useful was Dessa, a Minneapolis-based rapper. She had tried and failed to get over an ex-boyfriend and was frustrated by her own inability to move on despite wanting to. “It really bothered me that, no matter how much effort I tried to expend in trying to solve this problem, I was stuck,” she told NPR. Fisher’s explanation of the VTA gave her a new angle. “That you could objectively measure and observe ‘love,’ that had never occurred to me before.”
Dessa went on to try neurofeedback, a technique in which participants learn to consciously alter their own brain wave activity. A study published in Neuron found that participants trained to modulate their VTA activity were eventually able to do so without any external stimulus, effectively learning to turn down the volume on the craving.
It isn’t a cure. Fisher was careful about what she claimed. But understanding that the pain of heartbreak is neurologically structured, that it has a physical location in the brain and follows identifiable patterns, at least makes it feel less like a personal failing and more like a process that, with time, tends to resolve.
Fisher finished the manuscript for her final book five days before she died.
Having a healthy communication style isn’t just about how you speak. It’s how you listen and perceive the other person or people to whom you’re talking. Knowing the strengths (and sometimes more importantly, the weaknesses) they might bring to a conversation can often help produce a better outcome.
Licensed therapist Jason VanRuler developed an efficient quiz to help people determine their communication style. After answering a short series of questions, an individual can find out if they lean toward the “peacemaker, the advocate, the harbor, the thinker, or the spark.” Of course, most of us don’t fit neatly into one box or another. To account for that, each archetype (to borrow Carl Jung’s term) is given a number, so one can see how they relate to each style.
In an Instagram Reel posted by VanRuler, he explains how essential mere perception can be. “You may think great communication is about saying the right thing, but it’s actually about knowing how to read the room. When something doesn’t land, we often blame the other person for not understanding, instead of asking how our message may not have connected with them. Different people process information differently, and ignoring that creates disconnect.”
How to reframe
There are ways in which he says a person can reframe. “What to Do About It: Shift your focus from ‘Why didn’t they get it?’ to ‘How can I say this in a way that connects with them?’ Pay attention to how people respond and adjust your approach accordingly. Great communicators don’t just express well, they adapt well.”
In the clip, he describes a time when he was giving a conference to a room full of accountants. “So I got up and I talked a lot about feelings, and I went really deep and got really emotional. And it was really, really quiet. And I left thinking, ‘what was wrong with the audience? Why didn’t they resonate with what I just said?’ But what I didn’t really think about is, what is it about what I just said that didn’t resonate with them?”
Learning your “style” can help facilitate better relationships through stronger communication. On VanRuler’s website, he explains who he’s attempting to help, writing, “Whether it’s leadership coaching, relationship building, couples therapy, addiction, trauma, or something different, my goal is the same: to speak truth and grace into every life I work with.”
“Strength: Creates peace and eases tension in difficult or trying moments. Opportunity: Can avoid necessary conflict, which delays resolution and repair.”
Advocate
“Strength: Focused on justice, fairness, and upholding morals; advocates for their beliefs. Opportunity: Can present as intense or overpowering, or advocate when it’s not needed.”
Thinker
“Strength: Focused on logic, thoughts, facts, and getting things correct. Opportunity: Can miss cues for feelings and appear distant or emotionally unavailable.”
Harbor
“Strength: Creates a safe space for others to go deep and talk about feelings and emotions. Opportunity: May struggle to express their own needs, communicate boundaries, or be the focal point of a conversation.”
Spark
“Strength: Brings lots of energy, creativity, and momentum to conversations. Opportunity: Can struggle with consistency and initiating difficult conversations.”
He makes it clear that understanding these “paths” is a great start to elevating a relationship, saying, “Each path speaks a different ‘language,’ and the more fluent you become in other styles, the better you can bridge the gap between you and the people you care about.”
In a culture obsessed with instant reactions, being a person who treads softly, asks pertinent questions, and is genuinely curious is an under-appreciated advantage. It can even feel like a flaw.
However, psychology keeps arriving at the same conclusion: the habits that make us feel awkward and out of place are actually signals of a sharper, more complex mind at work. Let’s walk through what that looks like in real life.
1. Hitting pause in a world that expects quick replies
You’re in an all-hands meeting. Someone asks a question, and the rest of the call quickly starts talking at once, voices overlapping. Everyone else seems to fire back instantly, and there you are, taking a visible beat that feels like an eternity. That pause can often be read as hesitation or timidness. Maybe even insecurity.
But here’s what’s actually happening: your brain is doing quality control.
In 2025, researchers found that people who paused briefly before answering were perceived as more confident, trustworthy, and competent than those who responded immediately. Instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, you pause, scan the situation, and test your thinking. Psychologists call this dual-processing reasoning, a slower and more deliberate way of reasoning. Think of it as a strength, not a delay: a built-in review process that helps you catch mistakes, sharpen your judgment, and make more reliable choices. In effect, you are double-checking the math before showing your work.
2. Why you can’t just “go with it”
Maybe this situation feels familiar: someone proposes a plan, and everyone else seems ready to move forward. Yet you still sense that something is off. Perhaps a step has been overlooked, the conclusion came too quickly, or an important risk has not been fully acknowledged. So, it makes sense to start by asking questions. Isn’t it natural to want to understand the why before agreeing to the what?
Suddenly you’re “difficult.” Or “negative.” Or “not a team player.” Underneath the labels lies a simple truth: your brain has a low tolerance for fuzzy reasoning. It can’t stand incomplete information. Psychologists link this to high cognitive complexity; you’re acutely aware of how many things can go wrong when the math doesn’t add up.
Your brain has a low tolerance for fuzzy logic. Canva
3. You watch the room before joining in
In group settings, you tend to hover on the edges first, never leaping headfirst into the conversation. You hang back, tracking carefully who interrupts whom; who laughs at what. You pay attention.
In reality, your brain is collecting data. Your working memory is taking in large quantities of information, some verbal, many not: tone, timing, body language, and power dynamics, to name a few. You’re the furthest thing from checked out. You’re loading. And the moment your brain finishes mapping the room, your moment arrives. You’re ready to step into the conversation.
4. You ask questions that feel obvious
If you’ve read this far, you may know that uneasy feeling when you raise your hand and say, “Sorry, just to make sure I understand—what exactly do you mean?”
This can feel like a declaration of incompetence. But people who are truly competent are very aware of what they know—and what they don’t. Refusing to assume is one of the clearest markers of mental acuity, according to the Dunner-Kruger effect. In psychology, it’s described as a cognitive bias in which people with lower skills or knowledge in a specific domain vastly overestimate their competence. To recognize your own gaps, you need a minimum level of that same knowledge. In simpler terms, you really don’t know what you don’t know.
5. You rehearse conversations before they happen
As we’ve already discussed, you don’t like to feel unprepared. So, you rehearse pretty much everything, like you’re starring in a very meta, very tedious play.
This can feel neurotic or exhausting. But it’s also incredibly sophisticated: you’re predicting how another person might think, feel, and respond before you walk into the moment. This is called predictive social modeling. It’s the mind’s ability to simulate what another person is likely thinking, feeling, or about to do based on what is already known about their traits, current state, and past behavior. In plain English, it means mentally running a social forecast: “If I say this, they’ll probably react that way,” or “They seem stressed, so this joke may not land well.”
6. Why your brain refuses to leave the meeting you exited an hour ago
The conversation is long over. You left the meeting room an hour ago. You’re literally at your desk, eating rice crackers, and drinking your afternoon coffee. So why does it feel like you’re still in that room?
Although not physically, mentally, you’re stuck there: rewinding a slightly off-color (or was it?) comment you made, wondering how you came off to everyone, and whether you’ll ever be truly understood by another person. ‘Was I too assertive?,’ you may ask yourself. Too soft? Too quiet? Did I take up too much room?
You may not know it, but post-event processing like this is a sign of high-self awareness. Your brain is running a highlight reel in slow motion, replaying what happened and grading it against a complex internal standard most people don’t catch. The upside is that this inventive mental system also helps you learn quickly and improve at a rapid pace. The downside? It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Turns out, that same mental system has a hard time distinguishing between “actual mistake” and “totally fine moment that nobody else noticed.” A good rule of thumb? You’re usually harder on yourself than the situation calls for.
This is what happens when your brain is built for depth. Canva
7. Small talk makes you want to climb out of your own skin
The weather. Weekend plans. “What do you do for work?” The latest in local sports (spoiler alert: they’re doing badly).
But give you a real topic to work with—one with substance—and it’s off to the races. You could talk for hours. This is what happens when your brain is built for depth. Psychologists call this a high need for cognition: you like thinking about big ideas, and shallow exchanges are genuinely under-stimulating. You’re not anti-social. You’re just waiting for substance.
8. You thrive in one-on-one conversations
Parties and big groups feel like a sporting event, or something like social juggling:
Whose turn is it to talk? Who hasn’t spoken yet? Why? What did that facial expression mean? Can I change the subject now?
But in one-on-one situations, when you sit across from another person who’s really just there with you, it’s like a new gear unlocks. You become a completely different version of yourself. While group settings demand social multitasking, one-on-one hangouts allow space for depth, nuance, and actual connection. Science says that highly intelligent people prefer this sort of deliberate, high-impact communication, with Jean Granneman, author of The Secret Lives of Introverts, explaining: “Happiness and meaningful interactions go hand-in-hand.”
9. You over-explain when something excites you
When you start talking about something you love, you tend to keep going. The excitement is real, and so is the instinct to follow every interesting tangent: right up until you notice the other person’s polite nod and realize you may have gone a bit farther than necessary.
Messages are carefully crafted in your notes app, where the other side can’t see your typing bubbles. You read your words back, editing, snipping, and reworking, as if you’re publishing a novel. And this was all for a simple, “You free Thursday?” text.
It’s easy to call this anxiety. And yes, sometimes it is. But underneath that is something else: you care how your words land. You understand that tiny shifts in phrasing can completely change the feeling on the other side of the screen. You want the person receiving your words to feel what you actually meant, not some clumsy, half–translated version of it.
It’s not a big deal, but you often feel just a little…out of step. Like, there’s a script everyone else got, and you’re left to improvise. You’re not anxious, exactly, nor unfriendly or shy. It’s difficult to explain.
All of this—the pausing, the scanning, the rehearsing, the replaying, the extra explaining, the little movements that keep you grounded—is work. Mentally, you’re doing gymnastics, but from the outside, that can read as quiet. Or a bit awkward. Or a bit “too much.”
You’re doing your best to move through the world thoughtfully, carefully, and with compassion. That isn’t a flaw you need to fix. It’s something meaningful to recognize, honor, and, yes, hold on to.
“Job treating you alright?” “Looks like this weekend is gonna be a real scorcher.” “That Cowboys game was outrageous.” These are some conversational snippets one might hear that could lead to immediate panic—that insufferable “small talk” lies ahead. But new research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychologyclaims that people actually like, and often benefit from, these kinds of conversations.
Researchers discovered that even though people reported not looking forward to “boring” conversations, a majority found them quite fun.
The team mixed and matched respondents to cover all bases. In one experiment, they observed conversations in which “one person finds the topic boring.” In another experiment, they created a situation where both participants “find the topic boring.” They also tested groups based on whether the participants were strangers or friends.
In a piece published by the American Psychological Association (APA), researchers reported that, after studying 1,800 participants, “people consistently underestimated how interesting and enjoyable conversations about boring topics would be.”
Some might question what topics are considered (potentially) “boring” in the first place:
“Topics were many and varied, including World Wars I and II, nonfiction books, the stock market, cats, and vegan diets. In some cases, participants were asked to suggest a topic they found boring (responses included such topics as math, onions and Pokemon).”
Elizabeth Trinh, a doctoral student at the University of Michigan and lead author of the study, said she was excited about the results.
“We were both surprised and excited by how robust the effect was,” she said. “People consistently expected conversations about seemingly boring topics to be less interesting than they turned out to be.”
“Serves a real purpose”
Upworthy spoke with licensed therapist Rebecca Tenzer, owner of Astute Counseling and Wellness Center. She explained why many of us feel anxious about so-called small talk, only to find it entertaining.
“While it gets dismissed a lot, small talk actually serves a real purpose when it comes to mental health,” Tenzer said. “These smaller, everyday interactions help people feel connected, acknowledged, important, and can even build self-esteem. Even if the conversation is simple or surface-level, there are meaningful impacts and a lot of gain.”
Tenzer also supported the idea that these micro-conversations, no matter the topic, have significant benefits.
“We’re seeing more evidence that even brief social exchanges can improve mood, teach social norms, and reduce feelings of loneliness,” she said. “Along with those interactions are often positive body language exchanges, smiles, and even laughter, all of which are happiness chemical hacks needed to boost mood.”
“Small talk acts as a low-pressure way to engage with others, which can help regulate the nervous system and make social interaction feel easier over time,” Tenzer added. “Not every conversation needs to be deep to have value. It’s nice to force yourself to slow down, take a minute to chit-chat, be in the moment, and stay present. It’s not a huge time commitment and often has lasting benefits throughout the day.”
“Predictable, consistent, and not threatening”
Lisa Chen, a licensed psychotherapist, concurred, telling Upworthy that these types of conversations can help put people at ease, even if they might not expect it.
“As a psychotherapist who works with high-achieving, often socially guarded clients, I see how ‘low-stakes’ interactions create a sense of safety in the body,” she said. “Even brief exchanges like saying ‘hello’ to the barista making your coffee or making casual conversation at work help remind our nervous system that the world is predictable, consistent, and not threatening.”
Chen says small talk can help lower anxiety.
“It lowers social anxiety over time, builds relational confidence, and gently reinforces that we belong in shared spaces,” she said. “But small talk isn’t just for those who struggle with social anxiety. It’s for everyone. Small talk strengthens our sense of belonging, improves our mood, and keeps us from becoming too transactional or isolated from others. It also softens intensity and creates moments of ease that prevent stress and burnout.”
We know that collectively performing under pressure requires some special qualities, but what are they? That’s the question NASA seeks to answer as it looks ahead to sending humans to Mars. When it comes to team dynamics, a small crew on a 10-day stint around the moon is one thing. A team stuck on a spaceship for months and living together on a planet two million miles from home is another.
NASA’s Human Research Program studies human behavior in teams to analyze the implications of long-duration space missions. After observing team dynamics and roles in groups in various studies, one delightful conclusion can be drawn.
Every team needs a clown.
NASA ran a study on a potential trip to Mars and found the most important trait for team dynamics was humor pic.twitter.com/tB3gQlKZPL
According to NASA, astronauts have returned from stints on the International Space Station and reported that humor played a critical role in diffusing tension between people working on the I.S.S. The same finding has come from research studies in analog environments. (Analogs are places like Antarctica, where the desolate and extreme environment somewhat mimics a place like Mars.)
“You need a clown on the team,” said Noshir Contractor, Ph.D., professor of behavioral sciences at Northwestern University. In other words, you need someone who can make their teammates laugh.
Contractor is conducting a study titled Crew Recommender for Effective Work in Space (CREWS). Using research data from an analog study, her team is developing a computer model to help select the best individuals to form a crew.
“We don’t have a perception that we’re going to tell them who to send on a mission,” Contractor said, according to NASA. “But if they have a collection of people, it will work like a weather forecast model. It’s a predictive model that says if you choose this particular crew, here is what you are likely to see in terms of team dynamics. And, if problems arise, here is how to intervene to ease those problems.”
Easing problems is one place where the clown plays an important role. Research shows that positive humor can increase communication and social support and create a pleasant environment. Most of us have experienced how a well-timed joke or witty response can stop tension in its tracks.
Tension often manifests physically. We feel it in our bodies when emotional stress is high. According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter can stimulate circulation and help muscles relax, easing some of the physical symptoms of stress. Laughter also releases endorphins that make us feel good and promote social bonding.
What about teams that aren’t in as extreme circumstances as going on a mission to Mars or wintering in Antarctica? Dr. Adil Dalal of the Forbes Coaches Council says humor has a “transformative power” that unlocks the ability to do serious work well in the professional world.
Photo credit: Canva – Laughing with your colleagues may help improve team performance.
“When we laugh, cortisol, the stress hormone that can narrow thinking and trigger defensive behavior, drops significantly,” writes Dalal. “Laughter also causes the release of dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins, which are associated with motivation and learning. In the workplace, this means that laughter can encourage new behaviors and insights. It can also strengthen trust, which is essential for psychological safety and sustained high performance among employees.”
So if you’re leading a team or part of a team that appears to be struggling, perhaps some clowning around is in order. As Dr. Dalal writes, “Fun is not the opposite of seriousness—it is the pathway to sustainable excellence.”
If NASA touts the vital role humor plays in teamwork and success, perhaps we all ought to give it a little more weight in our own teams.
We live in an age of conflict. Sharp political and social divides are everywhere, and while it’s easy to theoretically write off people who disagree with us on fundamental core issues and values, the reality is that we often must co-exist with them and learn to manage our conflicts in a healthy way. Sometimes that means putting aside our differences and “agreeing to disagree.” Something it means hashing them out.
The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.
Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict. Not surprisingly, she’s in high demand on news programs, conferences, and media summits these days.
How to have a constructive conversation
Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.
The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”
It shows genuine curiosity in their point of view. That’s critical to avoid someone shutting down on you.
Two men shake hands while a woman looks on. Photo credit: Canva
When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.
It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.
Look out for signs of defensiveness like blaming, criticizing, making excuses, or being passive-aggressive. These are warning signals that your conversation is veering off the rails.
Phrases you can use to avoid an argument
The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”
Here are some other phrases you can use:
“I wonder if…”
“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”
“I might be wrong, but…”
“How funny! I had a different reaction…”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”
“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”
Two men high-fiving one another. Photo credit: Canva
What’s the best way to disagree with people?
A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.
“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing professor Matthew Fisher at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.
The key words are “willing” and “genuine.” These phrases aren’t magic bullets designed to help you level your opponents. You have to actually, truly be willing to learn about their perspective and be open to changing your mind.
Let me know in the comments if this data rings true to you and your experience of conflict. And check out danharris.com for more from Amanda Ripley including what she has to say about “conflict entrepreneurs,”people who inflame turmoil to benefit themselves. #conflict#healthyconflict#communication#tenpercenthappier#10percenthappier
Another common tip that usually comes from the world of couple’s counseling is to stop seeing the other person as your adversary. If you can imagine the two of you on the same team versus the problem, your conversations will be more productive.
In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.
This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.
