Somewhere around six months, a relationship stops being all butterflies and becomes an actual thing two people are building. The infatuation haze thins out, and you’re left with a more useful question than “do I like them”: do you actually know them? Jeff Guenther, a licensed counselor in Portland with a two-decade practice and nearly three million followers as @TherapyJeff on social media, made a list to help you find out.
In a TikTok that’s pulled in roughly 13 million views, Guenther laid out twelve things he thinks you should be able to answer about your partner by the half-year mark, and, just as importantly, that they should be able to answer about you. His tone is the opposite of a pop quiz. “If you don’t know these things, don’t freak out, just ask each other,” he says, calling them basics worth building on rather than a test you pass or flunk. Get nine of the twelve and, in his book, you’re doing great.
Here’s the full list, with the gist of why he says each one matters:
- What makes them laugh or cry? By now you’ve seen the range of their emotions, so you should know what cracks them up and what genuinely guts them.
- What are they passionate about? A good partner helps the other person chase what lights them up, which is hard to do if you don’t know what it is.
- How did their family affect their growth? You may not have every detail, but you should have the broad strokes of the childhood that shaped them.
- What makes them mad? And more to the point, how do they handle anger when it shows up, in a healthy way or not?
- Do they have spiritual beliefs, and how do those shape their choices? Whatever the answer, it often sits underneath their morals and values.
- What are their defining moments? The handful of stories that made them who they are, and that tend to make you feel closer once you’ve heard them in full.
- What matters most to them? Their North Star, whether that’s family, career, freedom, or something else entirely.
- How do they define success? Money, status, peace, connection, what does “I made it” actually look like to them?
- What support do they need when they’re stressed or sad? Do they want validation, problem-solving, or just to vent? You’re probably their main support person, so this one earns its keep.
- What are they proudest of about themselves? Knowing their sense of accomplishment lets you help build a life with more of those moments in it.
- What instantly lights them up? Guenther calls this a cheat code: the reliable thing that can pull them out of a bad mood.
- How do they recharge their emotional batteries? After six months you’ve seen them depleted. Do they need quiet, fresh air, or to zone out, and can you help them get there?
The throughline, as one viewer pointed out, is that the list is basically a single question in twelve costumes: what do I need to know in order to take care of this person? Guenther is upfront that it isn’t exhaustive and invites people to add their own. And the reassuring part is built into how he frames it. Blanking on a few of these at six months isn’t a failing grade. It’s a to-do list of conversations worth having on purpose, instead of waiting to discover the answers the hard way.
For more relationship content, follow Jeff Guenther on TikTok and Instagram.
