There’s an old saying that goes something like this: Parents should give their children enough so that they can succeed, but not so much that they don’t have to. Meaning, parents should help their adult children reach their goals because it’s hard to pull yourself up by the bootstraps when you have no boots. But they shouldn’t give them so much that they lose the desire to create something on their own.
This is a tricky balance for parents to strike if they have the means, and, of course, every child requires something different. The problem occurs when children aren’t doing much on their own, and you may have to create real-world consequences to get them to step out on their own.
An aunt on Reddit recently shared a contract that her sister and her husband gave to their 20-year-old niece. The contract was written so that the young woman would contribute to the home and abide by her parents’ rules. The aunt believes that the contract is too tough.
The young woman’s aunt didn’t like the contract
“My niece showed me this ‘contract’ her mom and stepdad are making her sign to keep living at home. She told them she isn’t signing it because she doesn’t agree with it, and they told her if she doesn’t sign it, she needs to move out,” the aunt wrote. “For context—she’s 20 but not very mature for her age. I’d say more like 15–16 emotionally. She has ADHD and depression. She does have a part-time job (which is her 1st job) that she’s had for a while and picks up shifts when she can.”
“I’m worried this is going to do the same thing it did to me, where instead of getting support when I was struggling, I just got more pressure and criticism,” she continued. “That didn’t help me move forward at all. If anything, it kept me stuck longer than I needed to be. I’m also worried that this is going to destroy any type of relationship they have.”
The contract had a list of rules:
- Pay $200 a month in rent
- Pay $100 for her cell phone plan
- Pay a $5 maid fee for each time she skipped her chores
- No guests after 10 p.m. without prior approval
- The “adult child” must also maintain employment
- No illicit activity or underage drinking
The contract stressed that living in the home was a “privilege, not a right” and that failure to comply would result in “termination of housing privileges.”
Most commenters thought the contract was a fair idea
The interesting thing was that, although the aunt passionately disagreed with the contract, most commenters thought it was a decent idea.
“If you feel this is unreasonable, are you offering for her to live in your home without an agreement?” one commenter asked the aunt.
“Also, ADHD is not something that incapacitates you from adhering to very simple rules,” another added. “This contract exists because the niece has been doing much of nothing for the last 2 years, and the parents need an exit ramp.”
A few commenters said the best thing the parents can do is save the rent money the young woman pays and give it to her when she’s ready to move out.
“I’d love if your sister, in turn, would save all that money for her and give it to her when she’s finally out on her own. That’s the only way to make this productive,” a commenter wrote.
What do the experts say?
Real Property Management Pros says charging your adult child rent is a great way to help them become responsible. “Asking your child to pay rent doesn’t mean you love them less. It means you’re preparing them for real life. That said, setting clear parental boundaries is critical,” the company wrote on its blog.
Ultimately, charging an adult child rent is a touchy subject. Still, it can become a positive experience for all parties if it’s communicated with love rather than seen as a punishment. It’s a great stepping stone for young adults to get out on their own and realize that it’s probably worth paying a bit more to a landlord than living under their parents’ rules.
