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It is not our job to protect children from pain, it's our job to guide them through it

It is not our job to protect children from pain, it's our job to guide them through it
Photo by Austin Pacheco on Unsplash
shallow focus photography of two boys doing wacky faces

My daughter and I were at the park last week — running, jumping, chasing ducks, and playing tag — when the unthinkable happened: when she was mocked and teased for the first time.

The very first time.

Of course, my initial reaction was full of hurt and sadness, anger and rage. I wanted to swoop in and hug my daughter. I wanted to swoop in and protect my daughter, and I wanted to go full on mama bear on the little twerp who thought it was okay to make fun of girls because she (and her friends) were just that: young women. Young ladies. Creatures of a different sex. But my mind told me I shouldn't. My mind told me I need to sit back and calm down, and my mind forced me to check myself. It told me to stop and pause and leave my insecurities at the door. Because while I hate to see my daughter struggling — while I hate the fact that my sweet, innocent, kind-hearted, and free-spirited 4-year-old girl is already experiencing feelings of disappointment, rejection, judgement, and being let down — I know that, in order to grow, I must let her face these things. I know that I must let her feel these things, and I know that if I want her to become a well-rounded human being, I will have to let hurt. I will have to let her cry.

So I stepped back, stood by, and waited.


I tapped my foot, bit my nails, picked at the skin between my thumb and my forefinger, and waited.

And while my daughter didn't run away, nor did she cry, she was visibly frustrated. She was upset and, well, she was annoyed. But just as I was getting ready to speak up, moments before I stepped forward to yell her name, she decided to say something. She decided to tell this boy he was being "mean" and "not nice." And while my daughter, my 4-year-old little girl, handled herself well — while she handled herself with poise and confidence, self-respect and pride (well that, a low-blown swipe at his face) — I was still rattled because my gut told me I needed to do more.

Because inside, I yearned to do more.

Of course, I know this desire to "save her" and "help her" comes from my own painful childhood, i.e. I was a quiet girl. A shy girl, and a girl who ran from bullies, literally. I once ran through a row of bushes and hid behind a tree. And I always cowered. For years, I swallowed my voice and my words. But now? Now I want to scream. Now I want to yell. Now I want to advocate and intervene on her behalf. But I know that is not what she needs. I know that that is not what I need, and while I want to protect my daughter from the world — while I want to shield her from the hurt and sadness, from anger, fear, disappointment, and pain — I cannot because doing so would be a disservice.

I need to "help her help herself."

2 women walking on the road during daytimePhoto by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Make no mistake: I know not everyone will agree with my parenting approach, i.e. I know it sounds distant and callous, cold and harsh but I'm not pushing her in front of traffic and seeing if she runs. I'm not dropping her off in the woods and seeing if she can find her way home, and I'm not "tossing her to the wolves" and then traipsing off in the other direction while she wallows in sorrow, in pain, or in despair. I am simply standing back and looking on. I am guiding her and advising her from the sidelines. Which, I assure you, is harder than you know.

But the "lessons" don't end there. You see, we talk about these incidents long after they end. We talk about these encounters long after they end, and we talk everything and anything from what she could have done or said to her feelings, her thoughts, and (yes) asking for help. I explain to her that, sometimes, she can and should ask for help and remind her that there is no shame in doing so. Even Mommy's and Daddy's need guidance from time to time.

So yes, while watching her flail and — at times — fall is sad, heartbreaking, and full of tears, I firmly believe it is one of those tough aspects of my job. Of my role as "mom." Because, as my parent, my job isn't to numb her feelings — or protect her from her feelings — it is to teach her how to acknowledge them, how to cope with them, and how to move through them.

I need to help her develop the resilience or self-confidence she needs to take with her through life.

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Millennial history teacher explains the 3 phases of Gen X and why they were ‘forgotten’

"They just want to be left alone."

via Canva/Photos

A cassette tape from the '80s.

Generation X occupies an interesting time in history, for those who care to recognize that they actually exist. They were born between 1965 and 1980 and came into this world at an interesting inflection point: women were becoming a larger part of the workplace and divorce was at the highest point in history. This left Gen X to be the least parented generation in recent history.

Gen X was overlooked in their domestic lives and culturally were overshadowed by Baby Boomers with their overpowering nostalgia for Woodstock, The Beatles, and every cultural moment celebrated in Forest Gump. Once Boomer navel-gazing nostalgia began to wane, a much larger and over-parented generation, the Millennials, came on the scene.

“Whereas Boomers were the ‘me generation’ and millennials were the ‘me me me generation,’ Gen X has become the ‘meh’ generation,” Emily Stewart writes at Business Insider. But even if Gen X is a little aloof, that doesn’t mean they aren’t totally rad, awesome, trippindicular, and that it’d be bogus to define them any other way. To explain the unique history of Gen X and why they’re often overlooked, history teacher Lauren Cella created a timeline on TikTok to explain them to her Gen Z students..

@laurencella92

A love letter to Gen X from your millennial cousin🫶 Gen X didn’t start the fire, so after this I will just leave them alone because they do not care 🤣 But seriously for a generation that sometimes gets “forgotten” and stuck between the larger boomer or millennial cohorts, the genres they created paved the way for pop culture as we know it. I’m still not sure who let kids watch “The Day After” on TV or play on those hot metal playgrounds, but Gen X survived to tell the tale. Today, the so called “latchkey” kids, born 1965-1980 are actually super involved as parents, aunts, uncles, teachers (or maybe even grandparents)😉. Kids today want to say they are “built different” but I think Gen X is the one holding down that title because they grew up tough, they saw too much, they made it out, and they know exactly who they are and wouldn’t have it any other way.✌️ #g#genx

In Cella’s video, she divides Gen X into three distinct phases.

Phase 1: 1970s stagflation and changing families

“Gas shortages meant stagflation. So parents either both had to work or maybe they were divorced. So that meant microwave TV dinners and kids that sort of raised themselves,” Cella explains. “There was no parenting blogs, there was no after-school travel sports, emailing. Like, none of that existed. Bored? Go outside."


Phase 2: The neon ‘80s

“But then came the 1980s, where everything was big and loud. The hair, the bangs, the Reaganomics, mass consumerism (because now we can trade with China). The whole media just exploded,” Cella says. “But now we have TV, we have movies, we have TV, movies, home movies, TV movies, favorite TV movies, music, music, Videos, music, video, television. All these different genres and all these different cliques and all these different ways that you can express yourself.”


Phase 3: 1990s post-Cold War Skepticism

“Gen X sort of comes into the 1990s more sarcastic and skeptical,” Cella continues. “The Cold War ending meant that they rejected the excess of the eighties. And there's the shift. Grunge, indie, alternative, flannels, Docs [Doc Martins]. At this point, the technology is also exploding, but not like fun home media, but like corporate media. So there's this resistance to sell-out culture.”


Cella has a theory on why Gen X seems forgotten, and it’s not just because CBS News famously denied its existence. She believes that it comes down to Gen X’s inability to call attention to itself. “So Gen X is a bridge between these two larger, more storied generations. So it's not necessarily that they get forgotten. They don't really want the attention. They're kind of fine to just like, fly under the radar like they always have, because honestly, it's whatever.”

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Child psychologist reveals the 6 'magic phrases' that make kids listen to their parents

"When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you."

Photo Credit: Canva

Moms share joyful moments with their kids.

Sometimes it's generational, and sometimes it's just a bit of good old-fashioned authority rebellion, but getting kids to really "listen" to their parents in a way that creates a positive long-term effect can be tricky.

That's where child psychologist Reem Raouda’s hours of research come in handy. In an article for CNBC's Make It, Raouda, also a mother and therapist, reveals that after studying "over 200 parent-child relationships," a common theme for a good outcome is for the child to feel connected and safe.

Raouda reveals six phrases she has personally seen make all the difference.

"I believe you."

Validation is a huge factor in parental relationships. She writes, "Belief defuses shame and creates safety. When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you."

She gives the example of spilling juice. If a child spills something, it's immediately reassuring for them to know their parent doesn't blame or shame them. And if the child says they didn't do it on purpose, saying "I believe you" helps establish respect.

Another example could be, "I just forgot to do my homework." A potential answer? "I believe you! We all forget sometimes. Better late than never."

"Let's figure this out together."

When a child is merely following orders from a parent, they don't often feel a teamwork bond. Raouda refers to it as a "standoff" when a chore is barked at a child, rather than presenting it as a task for the greater good.

If, for example, a kid is being asked to clean their room and seems oppositional to the idea, rather than punishing—come up with a fun plan to clean together.

"You can feel this. I'm right here."

The idea here is to make sure the child knows their emotions are completely valid. If they have a reaction to something that upsets them, don't merely tell them to toughen up. Instead, let them know it's safe to feel it and that their parent will stay right by their side.

Kristen Weir writes for the American Psychological Association that acknowledging feelings with your child early on can yield healthy benefits. "Caregivers can start talking about feelings when their children are still babies. Point out when book or movie characters feel sad, happy, angry, or worried."

"I'm listening. What's going on?"

For a kid to hear you, they need to feel heard. Raouda notes, "This simple shift of giving attention before demanding it dissolves resistance. When kids feel understood, they stop trying to push back."

She adds that trying to get to the root of their emotion or action is key. "Now you're uncovering the deeper hurt behind the anger, and that's the part you can address to help repair both the relationship and the behavior."

"I hear you. I'm on your side."

These words build a bond, which ultimately (hopefully) connects a parent to their child. Knowing they can begin from a place where they're not alone is a great start to a healthy relationship.

She gives the example of a child hating their homework. If the parent comes at this from a place of understanding and an "I've been there" tone, it really helps the child feel supported and understood.

"I've got you, no matter what."

Again, this phrase builds teamwork. Raouda writes, "Mistakes can trigger shame. But when kids hear this phrase, they learn that love isn't conditional on performance or perfection."

Weir also touched on the importance of connection, saying, "Studies show that children who have a secure, trusting relationship with their parents or caregivers have better emotion regulation as toddlers than those whose needs aren’t met by their caregivers. Being consistent and comforting will help you develop a secure attachment with your child."

Jaime Amor gives tips on getting kids to pay attnention. www.youtube.com, CosmicKidsYoga

There are other child experts with approaches to getting children to listen. On the Cosmic Kids Yoga YouTube page, children's yoga instructor and host Jaime Amor gives her own ideas, including some physical instructions.

"Get on eye level," she suggests when possible. She also stressed the importance of "active listening," in that you're giving them your whole attention. Not only does this help put them at ease, it demonstrates "what active listening looks like."

Additionally, Amor recommends asking "how" and "what" questions rather than "why?" While "why" can sound accusatory, "how" and "what" help them tell their story. She astutely notes that when conversing with kids, "Speak in shorter sentences and use language they understand."

Lastly, she notes to give the child choices. "Kids tend to listen and cooperate when they get a choice. It gives them a sense of control and autonomy so they feel respect. When kids feel respect, they'll work hard to reciprocate."

parenting, kids, listening, respect, teamwork Father and son sit on a the dock. Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

On Reddit, an OP asks "How to effectively make my child listen to me." (For context, they share they have children who are two and seven.) One commenter writes, "I've found with my 5-year-old, if I do the activity with him that helps. If it's folding clothes, I fold mine, and he folds his. When it comes to him doing things on his own, I define success and help him visualize it. 'I need your help. Can you please help me by putting the dishes away?'"

Another gives this practical advice: " From an early age when they start to be able to understand words, state the reason why you need them to do something. For example, don't just tell them to tidy up the Legos, tell them to tidy up so their blocks don't get vacuumed. 'You wouldn't want your Legos to go missing, would you?'"

And this commenter echoes what Raouda said in her piece: "Try giving them options instead of demands. 'Would you rather do this now or in 5 minutes. Would you rather put your pants on first or your shirt on first.' Kids are more likely to be cooperative if they feel like they have some control. Try phrasing things differently. Turn demands into questions like "can/will you do this please?" instead of just "do this.""

grumpy child, parenting, teamwork, listening, tears A child feels sad. commons.wikimedia.org

The thread weaving through all these suggestions is making sure the child feels heard, safe, respected, and supported. It's not you against them; you're a team and in you're in it together.

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'It's not Little Sun': Mom admits she's having trouble pronouncing her newborn's name

It was fine 'til other people tried to say it and now she's confused.

via JustusMoms29/TikTok (used with permission)

Justus Stroup is starting to realize her baby's name isn't that common.

One of the many surprises that come with parenthood is how the world reacts to your child’s name. It’s less of a surprise if your child has a common name like John, Mohammed, or Lisa. But if you give your child a non-traditional name that’s gender-neutral, you’re going to throw a lot of folks off-guard and mispronunciations are going to be an issue.

This exact situation happened with TikTok user Justus Stroup, who recently had her second child, but there’s a twist: she isn’t quite sure how to pronounce her child’s name either. "I may have named my daughter a name I can't even pronounce," Stroup opens the video. "Now, I think I can pronounce it, but I've told a couple of people her name and there are two people who thought I said the same exact thing. So, I don't know that I know how to [pronounce] her name correctly."


@justusmoms29

Just when you think you name your child something normal! #2under2mom #postpartum #newborn #momsoftiktok #uniquenames #babyname #babygirl #sahm #momhumor

Stroup’s daughter is named Sutton and the big problem is how people around her pronounce the Ts. Stroup tends to gloss over the Ts, so it sounds like Suh-en. However, some people go hard on the Ts and call her “Sut-ton.”

"I'm not gonna enunciate the 'Ts' like that. It drives me absolutely nuts," she noted in her TikTok video. "I told a friend her name one time, and she goes, 'Oh, that's cute.' And then she repeated the name back to me and I was like, 'No, that is not what I said.'"

Stroup also had a problem with her 2-year-old son’s speech therapist, who thought the baby’s name was Sun and that there weren’t any Ts in the name at all. "My speech therapist, when I corrected her and spelled it out, she goes, 'You know, living out in California, I have friends who named their kids River and Ocean, so I didn't think it was that far off.'"

Stroup told People that she got the name from a TV show called “The Lying Game,” which she used to watch in high school. "Truthfully, this was never a name on my list before finding out I was pregnant with a girl, but after finding out the gender, it was a name I mentioned and my husband fell in love with," says Stroup. "I still love the name. I honestly thought I was picking a strong yet still unique name. I still find it to be a pretty name, and I love that it is gender neutral as those are the type of names I love for girls."

The mother could choose the name because her husband named their son Greyson.



The commenters thought Stroup should tell people it’s Sutton, pronounced like a button. “I hear it correctly! Sutton like Button. I would pronounce it like you, too!” Amanda wrote.

“My daughter’s name is Sutton. I say it the same way as you. When people struggle with her name, I say it’s Button but with a S. That normally immediately gets them to pronounce it correctly,” Megan added.

After the video went viral, Stroup heard from people named Hunter and Peyton, who are dealing with a similar situation. “I've also noticed the two most common names who run into the same issue are Hunter (people pronouncing it as Hunner or HUNT-ER) and Payton (pronounced Pey-Ton or Pey-tin, most prefer it as Pey-tin),” she told Upworthy.

“Another person commented saying her name is Susan and people always think it is Season or Steven,” Stroup told Upworthy. After having her second child, she learned that people mix up even the simplest names. “No name is safe at this point,” she joked.

The whole situation has Stroup rethinking how she pronounces her daughter’s name. Hopefully, she got some advance on how to tell people how to pronounce it, or else she’ll have years of correcting people in front of her. "Good lord, I did not think this was going to be my issue with this name," she said.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Gen X parents who 'roamed free' as kids challenge Millennial parents' 'constant stimulation'

"Parents are constantly 'doing' something with their kids."

Image via Canva/Kampus Production

Gen X parents discuss biggest parenting difference between them and Millennials.

Parenting styles are always changing from generation to generation. And Gen Xers are taking note about how vastly different their parents' (from the Silent Generation and Baby Boomers) style of parenting differs from Millennials.

One Gen Xer shared, "Something I’ve noticed the last 10 years or so is how much parents are constantly 'doing' something with their kids all summer. I have a few friends that are much younger and have children of all ages. It seems like everyday they are going to the zoo, going to the park, going to a museum, waterpark, taking them horseback riding etc. It never stops."

After explaining the observation, they continued, "I just remember being a kid and playing outside all summer and maybe doing 1-2 things all summer. Do kids really need this much constant stimulation? Please correct me if I’m wrong. It just seems like A LOT."

@nostalgicjunkies1

80s parents gave us freedom. We played till sunset, rode bikes, and explored the world without a care. They trusted us, letting us grow with our own experiences. 🕶️💖 #80sNostalgia #Freedom #Parenting #ChildhoodMemories #90sKids #80sParents #Nostalgia #ParentingWin ! #nostalgia #childhood #80sparents #millenial #childhoodmemories #80sbaby #teenager #throwback #millennialsoftiktok #80snostalgia #nostalgiacore #usa #fyp #foryoupage #trending

Many Gen Xers agreed, and explained the value in giving their kids space growing up. "My kids are older now, but when they were young, I tried to do a combo of unstructured time and fun activities in the summers. We'd have a few days of unstructured time in a row, then hit a museum or water park or something to break it up. I think they both have value," one wrote.

And another Gen Xer added, "It’s not an all or nothing thing. Being around your kids 24/7 so they get smothered and never learn to make their own decisions is bad but our parents basically ignoring us all the time was just as bad. There’s a pretty large happy medium where you hang out with your kids sometimes while in other times you leave them to their own devices."

The post garnered further reaction, and healthy debate. Other Gen Xers disagreed, noting their parents could have been more involved with them growing up.

@b.u.p.c

Replying to @duanemclendon still raising kids at my age. #genx

One Gen Xer explained how their parents' hands-off style influenced theirs to be completely different. "We were also just kinda generally neglected. Like, I was in Little League in the summer, but I had to ride my BMX bike like 45 minutes to get to practice, and I for sure had to make lunch for myself before I left home. I suspect that part of what’s going on now is a reaction to that," they wrote.

Some Millennials also shared that they intentionally don't overstimulate their kids. "This has not at all been my parenting style. To take it even further, I feel doing so is ultimately a disservice to the kids, no matter how well intended. Too many children have become dependent on constant outside stimulation," one wrote. "Too many kids are too damn busy. Learning to amuse yourself is a life skill, and parents ought to be encouraging it. Let them just be once in awhile, especially on their Summer break."

@mrjackskipper

Am I right? #relatable #parenting #90s

However, other Millennials defended their more 'involved' parenting style proudly. "I read that on average working mothers today spend more direct time with their children than stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s. That was pretty telling to me. ETA: My point being that parents in our generation in general probably spend more time with children," one shared. And another added, "My father once bragged to me he had never changed a diaper. It was not the flex he thought it was."

One Millennial parent summarized their parenting style succinctly: "I think it's because Millennial parents see their kids as human beings and not just something they had to make and raise cause society told them to."

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Carl Sagan's 1988 astronomy course had nothing to do with stars. The final exam is still relevant.

"He knew critical thinking was a skill needed to tackle the world's problems."

Public Domain/Library of Congress

Carl Sagan's Astronomy 490 class had little to do with astronomy, at least on the surface.

If you signed up for a college class called Astronomy 490, you'd likely expect it to be a high level study of the cosmos. It would focus on stars, planets, galaxies, black holes, perhaps delving deeper into theories of the world's greatest astrophysicists and cosmologists. Something having to actually do with the night sky at least, right?

Famed astronomer and science communicator Carl Sagan offered Astronomy 490 at Cornell University as a senior seminar course in the 1980s, but it was nothing like what one might expect. The focus of the course wasn't stars, but "critical thinking in scientific and non-scientific contexts." The course used examples from Astronomy and other fields and case studies from the history of science as well as "borderline science and medicine, religion and politics." The idea was to help students across all fields of study to become better thinkers through logic and rhetoric and the scientific method.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Students had to be approved by Sagan in order to take the class, and they had to be "well-qualified" and prepared to "assimilate an extensive reading list" as well as participate in class discussions. The book list included textbooks on logic, reasoning, cooperation, and free thought, and class discussion topics ranged from world hunger to Affirmative Action to the Palestinian state.

The Library of Congress houses Sagan's handwritten course notes, which special curator and digital archivist Trevor Owens wrote, "include mention of the important balance between openness to new ideas and skeptical engagement with those ideas in science" and show how "he wanted to use student’s every day experience with things like television to prompt them to think more skeptically about how claims are made and warranted in everyday life."

TV, television, carl sagan, astronomy 490, critical thinking Critical thinking became even more important in the age of television. Giphy

But what was perhaps most interesting about the course is its final exam. Or rather, exams. The Library of Congress has course exams from 1986 and 1988, and they differ in what Sagan asked students to do. However, the purpose was the same: To prompt students to put to use all the critical thinking skills they had gained in the class.

In his 1986 final exam, Sagan asked students to do two thought exercises and write papers about them. The first was to comment on the pros and cons of this quote from George Bernard Shaw, written around 1921:

"Our credulity, though enormous, is not boundless; and our stock of it is quite used up by our mediums, clairvoyants, hand readers, slate writers, Christian Scientists, psycho-analysts, electronic vibration diviners, therapeutists of all schools registered and unregistered, astrologers, astronomers who tell us that the sun is nearly a hundred million miles away and that Betelgeuse is ten times as big as the whole universe, physicists who balance Betelgeuse by describing the incredible smallness of the atom, and a host of other marvel mongers whose credulity would have dissolved the Middle Ages in a roar of sceptical merriment. In the Middle Ages people believed that the earth was flat, for which they had at least the evidence of their senses: we believe it to be round, not because as many as one per cent of us could give the physical reasons for so quaint a belief, but because modern science has convinced us that nothing that is obvious is true, and that everything that is magical, improbable, extraordinary, gigantic, microscopic, heartless, or outrageous is scientific."


carl sagan, astronomy 490, critical thinking, final exam, college course First page of Carl Sagan's Astronomy 490 final exam in 1988.Library of Congress

The second part of the exam was to design and execute an experimental test of sun sign astrology (such as the daily horoscopes in the newspapers of the time). If that experiment found that evidence for sun sign astrology was poor, students were to explain its popularity. If the experiment found that evidence for sun sign astrology was fair, good, or excellent, students were to explain the scholarly disdain for it. In other words, they had to make the argument against whatever their experiment results were.

In the 1988 exam, students were asked to read "When Prophecy Fails," a short book about a UFO cult known as Clarionites (also Seekers) in the 1950s that had predicted that the end of the world would happen on December 21, 1954. Researchers followed the group to see what would happen when their predicted apocalypse didn't happen.

Sagan asked students to imagine they were part of that research team, but altered the scenario in two ways—adding a new charismatic leader rising up among the Clarionites and some natural disasters occurring on December 21, 1954.

UFO, cult, clarionites, when prophecy fails, end of the world sci-fi ufo GIF Giphy

Then he asked the students to do the following:

- Describe your best estimate of what might have happened as a result of these altered events over the next few years, informed by our readings and class discussions, including the Milgram experiments. [The Milgram experiments tested people's willingness or unwillingness to follow authority when it meant harming other people.]

- Compose a dialogue, taking place 34 years later (i.e.,now) between a believer in Clarionite intervention and a skeptic, making the best case possible for both points of view.

- What lessons, if any, can we draw?

Sagan clarified that there was no correct answer to either of the exam assignments. He simply wanted to see the students' critical thinking in action and for them to show what they'd learned with "coherency and cogency of argument."

carl sagan, astronomy 490, critical thinking, final exam, college course Second page of Astronomy 490 final exam from 1988.Library of Congress

What stands out about these exams is that they ask the students to make arguments on both sides of a controversial topic. After all, critical thinking isn't just about being skeptical or rejecting ideas in the name of science; it's also about being able to understand and construct the arguments someone would make on any side of an issue. If you understand someone's arguments well enough to create them yourself, they become much easier to deconstruct and point out the elements that don't makes sense.

In a time when people have a hard time agreeing on basic facts, conspiracy theories abound, expertise is under attack, and prejudices of all kinds easily cloud people's judgment, perhaps we can take Sagan's final Astronomy 490 goals to heart and work on sharpening our critical thinking skills.

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