Like snowflakes, no two friendships are exactly alike. It’s why we come away from some hangouts feeling giddy, excited, and socially charged, and from others feeling nourished and seen, reminded of how deeply our roots intertwine. An expert says there’s good reason for that.
In a recent Instagram post, Kasley Killam, a Harvard-trained “friendship expert” and researcher on social connection, shares on The Mel Robbins Podcast that four friendship styles exist: the butterfly, the wallflower, the firefly, and the evergreen.
Understanding each style and how they mix and match in a relationship can help us process and manage our expectations.
The butterfly
Killam first introduces the butterfly style by holding up a small painting of a butterfly.
“We’ve all heard of the ‘social butterfly.’ Butterflies thrive on frequent, casual connection. So if you think about a butterfly in nature, they flutter from flower to flower. They’re pollinating the flowers; they’re drinking nectar. A butterfly in a social context is someone who’s really comfortable socializing with people…has an easy time striking up a conversation, makes people feel comfortable, and really enjoys casual connection. They’re a great party guest, a great party host for that reason.”
The wallflower
She then holds up a colorful sketch of yellow flowers leaning on a vine.
“The second is a wallflower. So a wallflower is someone who enjoys selective, infrequent connections. So this is someone who, just like a wallflower in the wild, sort of grows along the walls, and it blooms in the springtime, but otherwise it kind of hides away. A wallflower in a social context is someone who prefers to be a listener. It takes some time to warm up and get comfortable with people. But they’re really paying attention and often is really good at empathizing.”
The firefly
Killam shows us a sketch of a brightly colored insect next.
“The third style,” she explains, “is a firefly. So a firefly is someone who enjoys infrequent, but deep connection. So someone who loves a lot of solitude, but when they’re with their friends and family, skips straight past the small talk and loves having those deeper conversations. So think about fireflies in the wild: they glow in synchrony with other fireflies, and then they disappear into the night sky. That’s like a firefly in a social situation, who loves coming alive for those deeper conversations and then fades away and likes to be alone.”
The evergreen
Finally, Killam shares a sketch of an evergreen tree.
“So the last style is an evergreen. So just like an evergreen in the wild, it’s green all year round, always. An evergreen is someone who likes a lot of deep connections. So it’s someone who is constantly in communication with their close friends and family, and they are going deep all the time. They’re really brought alive by those deeper conversations, and they’re constantly socializing.”
Why does it matter?
Robbins acknowledges that she recognizes these styles among a few of her own friends. This prompts her to ask why knowing one’s friendship style would be helpful. Killam answers, “It matters because it’s helpful self-insight. It’s understanding ourselves better. What are your preferences? What is your comfort zone? What are the social situations in which you’re gonna feel totally relaxed and confident? And how can you create more of those and seek those out?”
She adds, “It’s also helpful in the context of a friendship to know what the other person’s style is. Because it’s very easy, for example, to be offended if we don’t hear from someone all the time. Or the opposite. To feel drained when someone’s reaching out more than you want. And in fact, it might not be personal at all. It might just be a reflection of what their style is. Some people want to hang out all the time and some people don’t. That’s not necessarily something we need to take personally. So, I think having these conversations helps people to normalize [that] we’re all different! There’s not one of these that’s better than the other. Each of these has qualities that are fantastic and each of them have their own challenges that they need to work through.”
Strengths and challenges
In the comments, the idea is summed up even more succinctly: “Each style has strengths, and each has challenges. And understanding your own style helps you better understand your comfort zone, your needs, and the social situations where you thrive. Understanding someone else’s style helps you stop taking things personally. Some people want constant connection; others need space.”
Viewers clearly feel seen in the comments. Many self-identify as butterflies, wallflowers, fireflies, and evergreens and share their revelations. One writes, “This definitely will help you understand your friends better and choose to either accept them as they are or be with similar friends.”
Perhaps the type changes
Another Instagrammer makes the point that our friendship styles might be relative to other people or times in our lives. “Interestingly, I think our type changes based on season of life and current circumstances. OR, I’m just a weirdo who rotates through each of these identities.”
One makes a fun joke, assigning their own friendship style: “I am the raccoon. An observant predator in the shadows who will also eat party leftovers.”
