Unless you are a particularly skilled conversationalist, chances are you’ve experienced a dreaded awkward lull when talking to someone. What do you do when a conversation comes to a grinding halt because you’ve run out of things to say and are blanking on a new topic?
For folks who struggle with social anxiety, an awkward silence in a conversation rings like a death knell. Strategies for avoiding those moments feel like both cheat codes and life preservers, which is why people are loving the three tips for never running out of things to say shared by Smartish Stuff.
“Being good at conversations isn’t about being confident,” the video states. “It’s about skill. And like any other skill, from playing an instrument to writing well, it can be learned.”
Here are three things to do when you don’t know what to say:
1. Ask intentional questions
At their core, conversations are a back-and-forth of questions and answers and related statements. Mastering the questions part gives you a lot more control over how the conversation goes.
The example given in the video is someone saying, “I went golfing over the weekend.” How do you respond?
You might say, “Oh, that’s cool.” But that’s where the conversation dies.
Instead, you can ask questions like, “Where do you usually play?” or “How long have you been playing? Do you play competitively?”
“Even if you don’t care about golf, this shows genuine interest or at least creates the feeling of interest,” the video points out. “It also keeps the conversation alive and gives you control to guide it wherever you want.”
2. Listen more than you speak
It might seem logical that talking more will make you a better talker. But in reality, the best conversationalists are skilled listeners.
“Not the fake kind of listening where you’re just waiting for your turn to talk, but active listening,” the video says. “That means paying full attention, not preparing your next line in your head. Because when you do that, you often miss the point completely and end up saying something random or off topic.”
Saying something random because you weren’t really listening is just as mortifying as awkward silence, so active listening is an important skill to master. It also ties into the asking intentional questions tip. As the video states:
“Active listening gives you real material to work with. You’ll pick up details, emotions, or small clues that lead to better follow-up questions. That’s how you keep the flow going, not through clever lines, but through genuine attention. There’s a quote that sums this up perfectly. Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply. Don’t be that person. The world has enough of them already.”
Easier said than done when you’re stressed about what to say, but just remember that keeping the focus on really listening will actually give you more to talk about.
3. Find common ground
Sharing interests, experiences, values, tastes in music or food, etc. can help us connect with people quickly. But how do we determine what we might have in common with a person we’re just striking up a conversation with?
The answer to that question will depend on the specific conversation, of course. But employing the first two tips will usually lead you to some kind of common ground.
“Once you find that shared point, steer the conversation there,” the video suggests. “Suddenly, it stops feeling like effort. It becomes natural, fluid, and even fun.”
Will that happen every time? No. And that’s where a bonus tip comes into play: Accept that awkward lulls happen.
“Let’s be honest. Not every conversation will flow perfectly,” the video states. “Some will still hit dead ends. There will be awkward pauses and silent moments. That’s okay. Silence isn’t failure. It’s just space. Learn to be comfortable with it and it’ll stop feeling like pressure.”
The goal is not to convince people you’re interesting
The Smartish Stuff video wraps up with some wise words about what makes a good conversation:
“The truth is, good conversations aren’t about charm or confidence. They’re about curiosity, patience, and presence. If you apply these three methods, asking intentional questions, listening actively, and finding common ground, you’ll never truly run out of things to say. And over time, you’ll realize the goal isn’t to be interesting. It’s to be genuinely interested.”
People with social anxiety may still be left with questions, such as “How do I think of follow-up questions when my anxiety makes my mind go blank? How do I listen when I have loud, anxious thoughts blaring through my head? What if I can’t find common ground no matter how many questions I ask and how well I actively listen?”
Anxiety loves to come up with worst-case scenarios and imagine all of the ways something won’t work. And for people with severe social anxiety who need professional help to manage it, these tips may not be enough. But they are still worth working on, as they can help build the foundation that good conversations are based on.
For further help, talking with a therapist, doctor, or trusted friend could lower the volume on anxious thoughts.
