A few years ago, we asked our Upworthy audience to share things they enjoy that other people don’t understand. Overwhelmingly, the most common answer was some variation of: “I like to be alone.”
In a time when loneliness has been called an “epidemic,” it may come as a surprise that so many people actually crave solitude. As someone who relishes alone time, I can say with certainty there’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely. And science backs that up.
But what makes some people seek out solitude? Over the past decade, researchers have discovered some specific traits in people who find alone time fulfilling.
Surprisingly, loving your alone time doesn’t mean you’re an introvert
One of the biggest assumptions people make about those who enjoy being alone is that they’re introverts. That’s a pretty logical assumption, since introversion generally means needing quiet and solitude to replenish your energy.
However, researchers haven’t found introversion to be strongly correlated with seeking or enjoying solitude. Two studies of university students explored motivations for wanting solitude and preference for being alone over being around others. “Across both studies, contrary to popular belief that introverts spend time alone because they enjoy it, results showed no evidence that introversion is predictive of either preference or motivation for solitude,” researchers noted.
What they did find motivates people to seek solitude is a personality characteristic known as dispositional autonomy. Let’s unpack that.
Solitude as space for self-determination
Dispositional autonomy is a fancy term for how well we regulate our own behaviors by choice. According to the “Who enjoys solitude?” study authors, there are three main components of dispositional autonomy:
1) A tendency toward self-congruence
This basically means you behave in ways that align with your values and interests. In other words, you are who you say you are and act accordingly.
2) An ability to take interest in one’s emotional experiences
Some people don’t like to think too much about their feelings. Solitude seekers are more likely to enjoy exploring their emotions.
3) A lower vulnerability to momentary pressures and controls
Do you do things because other people think you should? Because society says so? Because you’ll be judged if you don’t? Those kinds of pressures don’t have much impact on the dispositionally autonomous person.
If you enjoy being alone and find it fulfilling, chances are you tend to live out your values, act on your interests, stay curious about your emotions, and not care too much about external pressures.
You might also be a ‘highly sensitive person’
While the traits described above indicate a strong sense of self-reliance and self-determination among those who relish solitude, there may be other factors at play for some.
In Psychology Today, psychologist Virginia D. Thomas writes that “highly sensitive people” (HSP) need alone time, not merely because it’s enjoyable and fulfilling, but as a form of self-care and self-regulation. Dr. Thomas then lists three reasons HSPs need solitude:
1. They need to process information deeply
It can be hard to think deeply without solitude, and that goes double for highly sensitive people who tend toward deep thinking and feeling.
“Time in solitude allows all of us—but especially HSPs—to engage in processes such as reflecting on problems from different angles, considering situations from other people’s perspectives, and gaining insight and meaning about a particular life event,” Thomas says.
2. To cope with overstimulation.
HSPs tend to be highly empathetic, and everything they sense and feel lands deeply in their nervous system. Interacting with people is highly stimulating in and of itself, and adding any other sensory stimulus (bright lights, loud sounds, etc.) can easily lead to overwhelm.
“HSPs are bombarded with an enormous amount of information coming from multiple directions which the rest of the population is barely paying attention to,” explains Thomas. Sometimes alone time is necessary simply to remove oneself from a stimulating environment.
3. They need to de-stress
“It’s common for HSPs to get frazzled when there are too many demands on their time at once,” writes Thomas. She gives an example of cooking dinner with music playing while a child tells you a story, and then the phone rings. While some people can multitask in such a situation, prioritizing what to pay attention to, the HSP has a hard time tuning things out.
Being empathetic and highly responsive are often positive traits in HSPs, but when a lot happens at once, their nervous system takes a beating. Solitude offers HSPs a chance to engage in calming, restorative activities to reset their nerves.
Whether someone craves being alone because they genuinely enjoy their own company or they need to decompress, the desire is real. Alone doesn’t mean lonely or bored or avoidant. For some, solitude genuinely fills a need that can’t be filled any other way.
