People often blame a “lack of communication” for marital problems, which is understandable. After having what feels like the same argument over and over, couples might assume they haven’t mastered listening or sharing their feelings effectively.
But sometimes, communication isn’t the problem.
In a viral Reddit thread, therapists were asked to share the biggest relationship red flags they have seen in practice. Their responses indicated that an underlying dynamic often helps or hurts communication and, therefore, the marriage.
While Reddit comments obviously aren’t a substitute for professional relationship advice, several of the therapists’ observations align with ideas in established couples therapy approaches and relationship research.
Here are some of the relationship red flags that therapists say deserve a closer look.
1. Not working on self-regulation
One couples therapist argued that, by and large, couples already know how to communicate effectively. What they don’t have a handle on is managing their own emotions.
“I am a couples therapist. Every couple I work with comes in wanting to work on communication. I tell them that I can give them all of the fancy tools in the world, and I do have tools that I will give them to communicate well, but my guess is they know how to communicate. They very likely communicate well with many people in their lives. The work will be understanding what makes it so difficult to communicate well in this relationship now.
The first thing I work on with every couple is actually self-regulation, which includes a willingness to regulate yourself. Consistent inability (ex: untreated mental health or hormonal issues) or unwillingness (ex: resentment, ego) to regulate yourself will ruin your marriage. If we can’t look at and address issues of self-regulation, nothing will change.”
Research supports the broader idea that emotional regulation matters in relationships. A 2026 study of 174 couples in couples therapy found that emotional regulation difficulties were associated with relationship satisfaction for both individuals and their partners.
That doesn’t mean couples need to suppress their emotions or never get angry. Self-regulation can be as simple as recognizing when you’re too overwhelmed to have a productive conversation and taking a break before saying something you’ll regret.
2. Waiting too long to go to therapy
Another therapist warned against waiting until a relationship is already in serious trouble before seeking professional help.
“Therapist, though not a marriage therapist. There is a joke that if the wife is the one seeking therapy, there is a good chance the marriage will survive. If it’s the husband, then it’s already too late. The underlying understanding is that women will initiate counseling when there is a problem, but husbands often refuse. By the time they’re willing to go, it’s a last-ditch effort, but the wife is already out the door mentally. This is obviously a generalization, but if your partner mentions counseling, take that as a sign of a problem, rather than dismissing it as something you don’t need.”
The gender generalization here needn’t be taken as a universal rule. Still, the larger point is worth considering: don’t assume couples therapy is only for couples on the verge of divorce.
Research has found that couples with different levels of difficulties can benefit from couples therapy, meaning there isn’t one particular type of struggling couple who is “right” for treatment.
3. Letting romance die
Relationships rarely collapse overnight from a single cataclysmic event. More often, partners gradually let their connection slip down the priority list.
As one commenter put it:
“They stop dating each other.”
It’s short, but nevertheless true. There’s a reason that Drs. John and Julie Gottman emphasize that continuing to “date” your spouse (treating your partner with the same curiosity, intentionality, and romance you had at the beginning) is vital to keeping long-term relationships alive.
“Dating” doesn’t have to mean making reservations at an expensive restaurant every Friday night. It can mean doing something fun together, asking what your partner cares about, or making time to be affectionate when there’s no household problem to solve.
4. Assuming negative intent
One therapist argued that couples can get stuck when past hurts and resentment affect how they interpret each other’s behavior.
“More than anything, it comes down to unregulated trauma and selfishness respectively hijacking the ability to regulate and use Positive Perspective. Positive Perspective means remembering who you married, why you chose them, that they’re a good person, and that unless they’re a legitimate abuser (rare), they aren’t trying to hurt you and would likely never want you to feel or tell yourself what you’re feeling/telling yourself about them or their love for you.
I teach my couples intent and impact. In non-abusive relationships, assume positive (or at worst, neutral/unaware) intent when it comes to your partner’s actions or words, and be willing to accept and acknowledge/apologize for negative impact when it comes to your own. The more we can get a hold of defensiveness and regulate ourselves to be humble and view our lover’s feedback as a gift on both ends, the healthier our marriage will be.
-LMFT trained in Gottman, EFT, Attachment etc ❤️❤️❤️”
Obviously, that doesn’t mean ignoring genuinely harmful behavior or assuming every action is well-intentioned. Rather, it simply means leaving room for the possibility that an irritating comment was careless at worst, rather than malicious.
5. Using “I feel like” statements instead of “I feel statements
This therapist actually did point to a specific communication tip: pay attention to what comes after the words “I feel.”
“I’m an LMFT, trained in Gottman, and tell people that whatever follows “I feel like…” is a thought describing how you see the situation. “ I feel ____ emotion” is what describes the feeling that describes your internal experience. Once couples see it and can use it in good faith to communicate, it can help them pivot so many smaller disagreements about perspective into conversations about experience.”
It’s a simple but important tweak that gives the other person something concrete to respond to, rather than asking them to defend themselves against a character judgment.
6. Putting the onus on everyone else to do the work
Couples therapy can give people tools, but the therapist can’t do the work for them. One counselor who works with high-conflict couples described what happens when clients expect the therapist to fix their partner instead of looking at themselves.
“Counselor here that works with high-conflict couples, specializing in BPD. The thing that I’ve had to realize as the therapist in the room is, if they don’t want to change, they’re not going to. I can walk them to every precipice, I can hand them every tool, and if they don’t wanna do the work, they’re not going to. So much of the work takes place outside of the therapy room, and people seem to forget this. I’ve had husbands yell at me that they bring their wives to me so I can fix them, screaming this while refusing to work on their own borderline traits. I’ve had wives telling me that I need to hold their husbands accountable, as if it is solely my responsibility to ensure that this grown man understands what responsibility is. So much irony. I explained time and time again that I’m there to help with communication, to facilitate, to walk them through the difficult conversations and to interpret what’s being said so things don’t escalate. With some people, they’re not there to get better; they want to win at therapy and be told they’re right. Getting them to understand that that isn’t going to happen. It’s very difficult sometimes.”
7. Hoping to go back rather than move forward
Perhaps the most thought-provoking advice in the thread was about what couples should actually expect from therapy.
“Going in [to therapy] expecting to ‘save’ a marriage is a sure-fire way to end in divorce. The marriage a couple comes in to save was already dead and was what ended you here. Marriage counseling is to decide if you want to leave or continue the relationship. And if you decide to continue the relationship, you need to figure out how to build a new marriage with the person sitting next to you, not the person you envisioned from X years ago. Because they are not that person and likely never were.”
The fact that you can’t go back doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Research published by the American Psychological Association describes creating a “new relational experience” as an important part of therapy, giving couples an opportunity to explore patterns that have been getting in the way of their relationship and develop new ways of relating.
Thinking of marriage as something finite to be saved or sacrificed, rather than built brick by brick, might not be the best approach.
Bottom line: the work goes beyond learning to communicate
Communication may be what couples notice first when a marriage starts to struggle, but it isn’t always what needs fixing first. Sometimes the harder work is understanding what is happening underneath the words and deciding what each person is willing to do differently.
