Life in a civilized society involves following various rules, whether we want to or not. That’s all well and good. But life also includes a lot of “rules” that aren’t actually rules, and recognizing the difference has made an enormous difference in my quality of life.
Real rules in my life include actual laws, the spiritual laws of my chosen faith, and contractual agreements I’m legally bound by. That’s basically it. Everything else is made up. Literally. Eating three meals a day? That’s a made-up rule. Going to college right out of high school? That’s a made-up rule. Not wearing white after Labor Day? That’s definitely a made-up rule.
‘Is this a real rule or a made-up rule?’
Any time I find myself feeling limited by external circumstances, I ask, “Is this a real rule or a made-up rule?” If it’s a made-up rule, I assess whether it’s something I actually need or want to abide by. And that question applies to so many things in life.
For example, it’s normal to have a sofa in your living room, right? I have one because I like sofas, but there’s no rule that says you have to have a sofa in your living room. You could literally fill your living room with individual bean bag chairs or a bunch of those big honking pillows if you want to. Even if you have a family, live in the suburbs, and entertain people frequently. “Living rooms need sofas” is 100% a made-up rule.
That’s a rather silly example, but one that illustrates how a norm is not a rule. That goes as much for sofas as it does for weddings, funerals, schooling and career paths, financial habits, and more.
The 10-word reminder that follows the ‘real rule’ question
Asking yourself if a rule is real or made-up is the first step. The second step is remembering:
You don’t have to follow rules that aren’t actually rules.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow rules that aren’t actually rules, by the way. Some social norms exist for good reason. Courtesy and politeness serve important purposes in society, even if they mean abiding by some unwritten (made-up) rules. There’s no need to toss all made-up rules out the window.
But plenty of made-up rules exist simply because they do, and that’s not a good enough reason to follow them. The idea that you have to text someone back right away? Totally made up. Feel like you have to get rid of dandelions in your yard? You don’t. Think an engagement ring has to be a diamond? It doesn’t.
So many things we think need to be a certain way simply don’t. It’s just something someone made up.
Life became so much richer when I realized I could just do things
Realizing that you don’t have to get permission to live outside of norms and societal expectations is quite freeing. You can literally just do things. Most of the coolest experiences I’ve had have come from internalizing this truth.
My family of five put most of our belongings into storage and lived a nomadic life for a year, staying in short-term rentals a month at a time. I keep white Christmas lights up in my living room year-round because they make me happy every time I look at them. Our kids saved thousands by doing community college, then transferring to a university. I sometimes eat dessert instead of dinner.
Of course, you have to accept a certain amount of eyebrow-raising when you live a life liberated from made-up rules. For instance, my daughter wanted to get married in a green dress instead of a white one. The way some bridal shops reacted, you would have thought she’d said she wanted to get married naked. Some people are really attached to made-up rules. C’est la vie. Unless I’m actually causing someone genuine hardship or trouble with my choices, I don’t worry about what some people might think.
If you feel pressured by arbitrary, manufactured norms, start asking the question, “Is this a real rule or a made-up rule?” Remind yourself you don’t have to follow made-up rules. Start with something small and see how it feels. You might be surprised by what you can do when you start ignoring rules that aren’t really rules.
