Even the coolest of the cool cannot escape the occasional social faux pas. Whether it’s putting your foot in your mouth at a dinner party, tripping in public and spilling coffee on yourself, or screwing something up at work, we all mess up from time to time. The good news is that every mistake is an opportunity to recover. This begs the question: What’s the best way to react when you’ve made a mistake?
Historically, people have thought that the best way to respond to a mistake is to express honest embarrassment. Feeling sheepish about your mistake is a great way to show others that you understand social norms and simply fell a bit short on this occasion. You blush, cast your eyes downward, and whisper a small “My bad” or “Sorry about that,” with a shrug of your shoulders.
A woman facepalms. Photo credit: Canva
What’s the best way to respond to making a public mistake?
However, research shows that the best way to recover after screwing up publicly is to laugh at yourself. A new study from the Cornell University SC Johnson School of Business involving 3,000 participants found that laughing at yourself can make you more likable than showing embarrassment.
“Our findings suggest that people often overestimate how harshly others judge their minor social mistakes,” said study co-author Övül Sezer, PhD, of the Cornell University SC Johnson School of Business, according to Neuroscience News. “For minor, harmless blunders, laughing at yourself can signal social confidence, reduce tension, and communicate that the mistake was accidental.”
Why is it better to laugh at yourself than to show embarrassment?
Laughing at yourself shows that you are socially confident and downplays the mistake in others’ eyes. Plus, people who can laugh at themselves are seen as warmer and more competent. The humor serves as a “reset button,” de-escalating the collective feeling of awkwardness.
A woman falls while ice skating. Photo credit: Canva
On the other hand, when people appear embarrassed and apologetic after a mistake, others often see their reaction as excessive. This can come across as inauthentic or socially awkward. Often, people exaggerate their level of embarrassment to show that they understand what they did was inappropriate. Ironically, in trying to take the sting out of a cringeworthy moment by appearing embarrassed, they actually end up looking more awkward.
“What’s interesting is that embarrassment was often perceived as excessive,” Sezer said. “Observers tended to think that actors who displayed embarrassment were feeling more embarrassed than the situation warranted, while laughing signaled that they recognized the mistake was minor.”
Beyond the social situation itself, feeling embarrassed can be bad for our mental health.
“Some people can shake off their embarrassment when they make a mistake or violate a social norm,” Psychology Today noted. “Others who fear the disapproval of the group might be consumed by shame.”
The researchers added an important caveat to their results: If you are going to laugh off an embarrassing moment, it must be harmless. If your actions hurt someone, laughing things off can backfire in a big way, making you appear selfish and uncaring. “What’s important is calibrating the reaction to the seriousness of the mistake,” Sezer said.
We’re all bound to make a mistake from time to time. The good news is that every mistake presents an opportunity to recover and potentially make ourselves look even better than before. The key is to give your ego a rest and have a big laugh at your own expense. Most likely, people will find you more likable because you had the confidence to let your guard down.
In a small village in Pwani, a district on Tanzania’s coast, a massive dance party is coming to a close. For the past two hours, locals have paraded through the village streets, singing and beating ngombe drums; now, in a large clearing, a woman named Sheilla motions for everyone to sit facing a large projector screen. A film premiere is about to begin.
It’s an unusual way to kick off a film about gender bias, inequality, early marriage, and other barriers that prevent girls from accessing education in Tanzania. But in Pwani and beyond, local organizations supported by Malala Fund and funded by Pura are finding creative, culturally relevant ways like this one to capture people’s interest.
The film ends and Sheilla, the Communications and Partnership Lead for Media for Development and Advocacy (MEDEA), stands in front of the crowd once again, asking the audience to reflect: What did you think about the film? How did it relate to your own experience? What can we learn?
Sheilla explains that, once the community sees the film, “It brings out conversations within themselves, reflective conversations.” The resonance and immediate action create a ripple effect of change.
MEDEA Screening Audience in Tanzania. Captured by James Roh for Pura
Across Tanzania, gender-based violence often forces adolescent girls out of the classroom. This and other barriers — including child marriage, poverty, conflict, and discrimination — prevent girls from completing their education around the world.
Sheilla and her team are using film and radio programs to address the challenges girls face in their communities. MEDEA’s ultimate goal is to affirm education as a fundamental right for everyone, and to ensure that every member of a community understands how girls’ education contributes to a stronger whole and how to be an ally for their sisters, daughters, granddaughters, friends, nieces, and girlfriends.
Sheilla’s story is one of many that inspired Heart on Fire, a new fragrance from the Pura x Malala Fund Collection that blends the warm, earthy spices of Tanzania with a playful, joyful twist. Here’s how Pura is using scent as a tool to connect the world and inspire action.
A partnership focused on local impact, on a global mission
Pura, a fragrance company that recognizes education as both freedom and a human right, has partnered with Malala Fund since 2022. In order to defend every girl’s right to access and complete 12 years of education, Malala Fund partners with local organizations in countries where the educational barriers are the greatest. They invest in locally-led solutions because they know that those who are closest to the problems are best equipped to solve and build durable solutions, like MEDEA, which works with communities to challenge discrimination against girls and change beliefs about their education.
But local initiatives can thrive and scale more powerfully with global support, which is why Pura is using their own superpower, the power of scent, to connect people around the world with the women and girls in these local communities.
The Pura x Malala Fund Collection incorporates ingredients naturally found in Tanzania, Nigeria, Pakistan, and Brazil: countries where Malala Fund operates to address systemic education barriers. Eight percent of net revenue from the Pura x Malala Fund Collection will be donated to Malala Fund directly, but beyond financial support, the Collection is also a love letter to each unique community, blending notes like lemon, jasmine, cedarwood, and clove to transport people, ignite their senses, and help them draw inspiration and hope from the global movement for girls’ education. Through scent, people can connect to the courage, joy, and tenacity of girls and local leaders, all while uniting in a shared commitment to education: the belief that supporting girls’ rights in one community benefits all of us, everywhere.
You’ve already met Sheilla. Now see how Naiara and Mama Habiba are building unique solutions to ensure every girl can learn freely and dare to dream.
Naiara Leite is reimagining what’s possible in Brazil
Julia with Odara in Brazil. Captured by Luisa Dorr for Pura
In Brazil, where pear trees and coconut plantations cover the Northeastern Coast, girls like ten-year-old Julia experience a different kind of educational barrier than girls in Tanzania. Too often, racial discrimination contributes to high dropout rates among Black, quilombola and Indigenous girls in the country.
“In the logic of Brazilian society, Black people don’t need to study,” says Naiara Leite, Executive Coordinator of Odara, a women-led organization and Malala Fund partner. Bahia, the state where Odara is based, was once one of the largest slave-receiving territories in the Americas, and because of that history, deeply-ingrained, anti-Black prejudice is still widespread. “Our role and the image constructed around us is one of manual labor,” Naiara says.
But education can change that. In 2020, with assistance from a Malala Fund grant, Odara launched its first initiative for improving school completion rates among Black, quilombola, and Indigenous girls: “Ayomidê Odara”. The young girls mentored under the program, including Julia, are known as the Ayomidês. And like the Pura x Malala Fund Collection’s Brazil: Breath of Courage scent, the Ayomidês are fierce, determined, and bursting with energy.
Ayomidês with Odara in Brazil. Captured by Luisa Dorr for Pura
Ayomidês take part in weekly educational sessions where they explore subjects like education and ethnic-racial relations. The girls are encouraged to find their own voices by producing Instagram lives, social media videos, and by participating in public panels. Already, the Ayomidês are rewriting the narrative on what’s possible for Afro-Brazilian girls to achieve. One of the earliest Ayomidês, a young woman named Debora, is now a communications intern. Another former Ayomidê, Francine, works at UNICEF, helping train the next generation of adolescent leaders. And Julia has already set her sights on becoming a math teacher or a model.
“These are generations of Black women who did not have access to a school,” Naiara says. “These are generations of Black women robbed daily of their dreams. And we’re telling them that they could be the generation in their family to write a new story.”
Mama Habiba is reframing the conversation in Nigeria
Centre for Girls' Education, Nigeria. Captured by James Roh for Pura
In Mama Habiba’s home country of Nigeria, the scents of starfruit, ylang ylang and pineapple, all incorporated into the Pura x Malala Collection’s “Nigeria: Hope for Tomorrow,” can be found throughout the vibrant markets. Like these native scents, Mama Habiba says that the Nigerian girls are also bright and passionate, but too often they are forced to leave school long before their potential fully blooms.
“Some of these schools are very far, and there is an issue of quality, too,” Mama Habiba says. “Most parents find out when their children are in school, the girls are not learning. So why allow them to continue?”
When girls drop out of secondary school, marriage is often the alternative. In Nigeria, one in three girls is married before the age of 18. When this happens, girls are unable to fulfill their potential, and their families and communities lose out on the social, health and economic benefits.
Completing secondary school delays marriage, and according to UNESCO, educated girls become women who raise healthier children, lift their families out of poverty and contribute to more peaceful, resilient communities.
Centre for Girls’ Education, Nigeria. Captured by James Roh for Pura
To encourage young girls to stay in school, the Centre for Girls’ Education, a nonprofit in Nigeria founded by Mama Habiba and supported by Malala Fund and Pura, has pioneered an initiative that’s similar to the Ayomidê workshops in Brazil: safe spaces. Here, girls meet regularly to learn literacy, numeracy, and other issues like reproductive health. These safe spaces also provide an opportunity for the girls to role-play and learn to advocate for themselves, develop their self-image, and practice conversations with others about their values, education being one of them. In safe spaces, Mama Habiba says, girls start to understand “who she is, and that she is a girl who has value. She has the right to negotiate with her parents on what she really feels or wants.”
“When girls are educated, they can unlock so many opportunities,” Mama Habiba says. “It will help the economy of the country. It will boost so many opportunities for the country. If they are given the opportunity, I think the sky is not the limit. It is the starting point for every girl.”
From parades, film screenings to safe spaces and educational programs, girls and local leaders are working hard to strengthen the quality, safety and accessibility of education and overcome systemic challenges. They are encouraging courageous behavior and reminding us all that education is freedom.
Experience the Pura x Malala Fund Collection here, and connect with the stories of real girls leading change across the globe.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Introverts make up one-third to one-half of the population, but our conversation norms—both online and off—are designed for extroverts.
Susan Cain, author of the bestselling book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, calls this phenomenon the “New Groupthink.” It’s a culture that favors constant collaboration and rapid-fire replies over stillness and deep thought. We live in a world that measures contribution by the number of messages sent, and it’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind when you go silent.
But what if this isn’t about falling behind? What if silence is just a different way of engaging? If you’ve ever wondered why you go quiet in group chats, consider these 10 signs you might be an introvert.
Unlike their extroverted counterparts, introverts take time to think about their responses before firing off a text. Photo credit: Canva
As Cain describes in her book, introverts “listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation.”
In a group chat setting, this internal processing means you might mentally prepare a response, revise it, overthink the timing (can’t be too quick or too slow, right?), and then decide the conversation has already moved on without you. The perfect response you crafted vanishes before you hit send.
2. Surface-level banter drains you
For introverts, not all conversations are created equal. You might find endless small talk, quick memes, and emoji reactions tiresome, and yearn for messages with more substance. That’s because introverts crave depth—a meaningful exchange that explores an idea, a feeling, or a genuine problem.
How would you react in this situation? I already interact too much with some of my coworkers on a daily basis so please leave me out the group chat. Thanks #groupchat#introverts#workgossip
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that serious conversations are more enjoyable than people expect, yet we consistently underestimate others’ interest in them. For introverts, this inclination toward depth isn’t a personality quirk—it’s a fundamental part of how they communicate.
3. You observe everything
If you’re quiet in the group chat, it doesn’t mean you’re not paying attention. Introverts are sharp readers of context: they notice shifts in tone, track emotional undercurrents, and pick up on what’s not being said as much as what is. This ability to observe and accurately synthesize group dynamics is one of the most underappreciated traits in online communication.
Introverts are sharp readers of context—everything that’s not being said. Photo credit: Canva
Psychologist Daniel Goleman found that empathy is a core component of emotional intelligence, and that quiet people often exhibit greater empathy because they listen more deeply. So while you may not be contributing messages to the group chat, you’re still playing an active role—picking up on subtle cues, like a shift in someone’s tone.
4. Group chats drain your social battery
Group chats require a lot of mental and social energy as you process multiple conversations, competing personalities, shifting group dynamics, and implicit social cues all at once. That’s an enormous cognitive load, especially compared to one-on-one conversations, where your focus can be directed toward a single person without all the noise.
If you feel overwhelmed, muting the chat might not be a bad idea. You need to manage—and maintain—your energy well.
5. You refuse to break the silence with noise
You won’t send a message just to be seen. While some group chat members are happy to drop a fire emoji or send an “lol” to stay visible, introverts tend to hold back unless they have something substantial to contribute. They’re committed to authentic communication.
Blake Griffin Edwards, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains it this way: “Introverts must think it out before they are able to talk it out very well.”
As a result, your communication style is built on intention rather than impulse. You may send fewer messages, but when you do, they’re more meaningful.
6. Group chats can feel overwhelming, even for good writers
Here’s a paradox many introverts recognize: writing often feels more natural than speaking. Text removes the social pressure of real-time performance, giving you space to choose your words carefully. Yet despite being text-based, group chats can still trigger overstimulation.
The problem lies with pace. A group chat doesn’t move at the same speed as a thoughtful email chain or a journal entry. It’s fast and unpredictable—like a live conversation—which creates the same timing pressures introverts face in verbal group settings. Hans Eysenck’s foundational theory of introversion suggests that introverts have a higher baseline level of cortical arousal, meaning they reach sensory overload faster than extroverts when external stimulation—like a flood of notifications—keeps escalating.
7. You tune into how others are feeling
You’re not just reading the words in a thread—you’re reading between the lines. As an introvert, you probably notice delicate emotional shifts, like a person’s messages becoming shorter, a joke that falls flat, or silence from someone who’s usually chatty. This emotional sensitivity is a strength, but it can also make group chats feel more burdensome than expected.
Emotional sensitivity can feel like a burden in group chats. Photo credit: Canva
In The Mirror, Katie Oborn observed that introverts “pick up on unspoken emotions and subtle shifts in conversation and tone.” That level of awareness means introverts are often the first to notice when something is off.
8. You don’t bend to the pressure to perform
Group chats carry an implicit social pressure: respond quickly, be entertaining, stay visible. For emotionally independent introverts, that pressure can feel crushing. People who resist the pull to perform in group settings often have a strong internal compass about what matters to them and why. They won’t chime in for the sake of it, and they won’t be dragged into drama just because the group demands a response.
9. Constant notifications break your focus
For introverts, great thinking often happens when you’re alone. There’s research to support this: studies consistently link solitude to improved emotional regulation, creativity, and decision-making. When a group chat keeps pinging you—interrupting a reading session, the workday, or a quiet moment—it fragments the kind of deep focus and flow state introverts depend on.
Studies from Microsoft Research confirm that instant message notifications slow task performance and make it more likely you’ll lose your train of thought. For introverts, who need more time to process information, these interruptions can be even more costly. The “ping” of a phone notification can disrupt deep focus.
Scroll through your messages, and you might notice a pattern—either in yourself or in your introverted friends. Long periods of silence often lead to a single, valuable message that adds meaning to the conversation. That’s what strategic participation looks like: waiting for the right moment, then contributing something meaningful.
Embracing your strength
For introverts, hanging back and staying quiet in a group chat isn’t withdrawal. It’s a form of meaningful participation that favors observation, thoughtful processing, and intentional engagement over simply making noise.
If you recognize these signs in yourself and want to start engaging more on your own terms, these small shifts can help:
Try preparing your thoughts before or at the start of a lively group conversation.
Remember, writing is your natural way in. A thoughtfully crafted message at the right moment can carry more weight than a dozen impulsive replies.
Feel free to set notification boundaries without guilt.
When you’re ready to chime in, trust your timing and insight.
As Susan Cain reminds us, being the loudest in the chat doesn’t mean having the best ideas. The quietest voice may actually be paying the closest attention—and when their words are shared deliberately, they can shift the entire conversation.
As workers struggle to land good jobs and employers struggle to find ideal candidates in the ever-changing job market, a new trend is emerging. Many applicants are turning to artificial intelligence to give them an edge—with mixed results at best. Because interviews are one of the most stressful parts of the job search, it’s become common for folks to input questions into ChatGPT to find the “perfect” response. However, a former recruiter warns that this is a bad idea, noting that you end up “sounding so fake” when using it.
Former recruiter turned career coach Madeline Mann showed an example of why ChatGPT shouldn’t be used to answer written interview questions. In a TikTok video, Mann shared a ChatGPT response to the question, “Why did you leave your last role?” ChatGPT replied with the following:
“I decided to move from independent work to a team environment so I can build deeper lifecycle expertise and learn from a strong mission-driven leadership team.”
It is common to use AI to help write your job interview answers, but often they are sounding too verbose and not human. If you are reading your interview answers from a script, you are likely to be rejected in the job interview and not get the job offer. Here is an example of how to sound more normal and like a coworker during a hiring process. Follow for more job interview tips, and job search strategies! #jobsearch#jobsearchtips#jobinterviewtips#jobinterview
Did that sound like something a human would say? Mann argued that ChatGPT used so much professional jargon that it sounded like a robot wrote it (because it did). Mann said that in interviews, it’s best to “sound like a coworker.”
“If you do not already sound like their coworker, they will have trouble picturing you as their coworker, and they won’t give you the job offer,” said Mann.
Mann said that a better response would be a quick and simple: “After freelancing for X years, I really missed being on a team.” She said that a reply like that is sincere, direct, and more like how a person would normally speak to a coworker. She added that if you were to use AI for interview responses, you should edit them down and remove any “bungle” to “talk like a person.”
Upworthy spoke to AI pros, business leaders, and recruiters about using artificial intelligence for job interviews. The majority arrived at the same conclusion: If you choose to use AI, it can be a useful tool for interview preparation. However, it shouldn’t sub in to do the actual interview for you.
“AI can be a useful tool for preparing for an interview,” said Megan Sweeney, public relations director at the American Staffing Association. “However, at the end of the day, the interviewer still needs to know you’re capable of doing the job.”
“If a company requests written interview questions, then using AI as a starting point is fair game in my book,” said Russell Taris, an expert on how managers can best use AI in the workplace. “The key statement, though, is ‘as a starting point.’”
“Candidates should use AI to organize their thoughts and firm up their language, but the examples and experiences need to be their own,” said Taris. “Managers can now tell right away when someone submits a response straight from ChatGPT without any editing. Smart candidates use AI the way you’d use a good friend who happens to be a great editor.”
Authenticity is key
“The problem is being authentic,” said Magical Brands CEO Mark Coffie. “Candidates who prepare and deliver scripted, overly polished answers tend to fail when asked questions spontaneously. You can use AI to outline your ideas but speak and answer questions in your own voice. That’s different from reading something generated. Interviews are a testing of judgment, communication, and problem-solving…Technology cannot substitute for that.”
“Using AI to pressure test your answers ahead of time can truly benefit candidates,” said Taris. “Run your ‘Why did you leave your last role?’ answer through it and ask it to poke holes, or practice your ‘greatest weakness’ answer until it’s specific and honest. The best answers I hear in interviews aren’t the most polished; they’re the ones where the candidate clearly thought it through beforehand and can go deeper, if needed. AI is one of the best prep tools available right now, and most candidates aren’t taking advantage of it.”
“Using AI for interview prep is helpful, but you will be the one being evaluated,” concluded Sweeney.
You might be shocked to learn that many people don’t like making small talk. Surprise, right? They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know.
However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.
Jefferson Fisher, a Texas personal injury attorney and communications expert, has become massively popular on Instagram—with nearly 6 million followers—for sharing tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, Fisher discussed the number one problem people have while making small talk.
What’s the biggest mistake people make during small talk?
“They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly,” Fisher tells Parade. “It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation.”
“For example, someone says, ‘I just got back from a trip to Italy,’ and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, ‘Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.’ It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. “Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, ‘That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?’ Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard.”
Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classicHow to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners tend to make a better first impression.
How to be more likable
Researchers at Harvard University found that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.
“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study’s authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.
While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
In the latest season of the popular reality game showThe Traitors, Rob Rausch emerged as the winner and the sole surviving Traitor. One reason he won was because he was able to see through the lies of his fellow competitors. A body language expert explained how Rausch was able to read people and win the entire cash prize.
Vanessa Van Edwards said that Rausch was able to discern who was lying to him and who was telling the truth while showing a clip from the show. In the Traitors clip, Rausch explained his strategy for trying to win the dagger prize through a game that required him to find who had it by asking questions.
Rausch explained that he was able to be a “human lie detector.” He would ask questions that he already knew the answers to and monitor his competitors’ responses. He would then ask whether the person had the dagger, watching how they responded to determine whether they were lying. After observing competitor Natalie Anderson’s responses, Rausch concluded that she was lying and had the dagger.
On TikTok, Van Edwards explained that Rausch was using a technique called “baselining.” Baselining involves making mental notes of a person’s baseline behaviors when they are speaking comfortably and truthfully. If you notice a person displaying atypical behavior when answering a question, it could be a sign that they’re lying, uncomfortable, or conveying a specific nonverbal response.
For example, if a person who doesn’t normally touch others when speaking to them suddenly touches you, that could indicate extra interest. In contrast, if someone who is known for touching people while speaking to them doesn’t touch you, they could be hiding something. In the case of The Traitors, Van Edwards said Rausch interpreted Anderson’s lip purse in response to his question as an indication that she was lying.
How baselining can help day-to-day life
Being able to baseline a person’s behavior can be helpful both professionally and personally. Professionals consider it one of the cornerstones of negotiation in business because both sides of a deal are likely withholding information. Much like in a game of poker, business professionals aren’t showing their “full hand” and are looking for “tells” before contracts are signed.
In terms of home life, baselining a family member can be especially helpful when communicating with children. This isn’t in a business negotiation or interrogation sense, though. Noticing a loved one’s common behaviors when speaking and seeing aberrations could indicate that something is wrong. You could approach them privately to ask if anything is making them feel uncomfortable and offer help. This way, you’re spotting their lies not to confront them, but to let them know they’re seen and that you’re someone they can trust.
There seem to be two different ways of thinking about who we are attracted to, whether it’s in a romantic or a social relationship. Is it that opposites attract, or do birds of a feather flock together? The evidence overwhelmingly shows that likability has much more to do with what we share with others than with the traits that set us apart.
In fact, a 2023 study from the University of Colorado Boulder found that historically, romantic couples tend to share between 82% and 89% of the same personality traits.
“Our findings demonstrate that birds of a feather are indeed more likely to flock together,” said study author Tanya Horwitz, a doctoral candidate in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience and the Institute for Behavioral Genetics, in a press release.
“How can we use the similarity-attraction effect to be more likable? Easy. You want to highlight your similarities. Here’s how to do this in an authentic way,” Van Edwards says in her video before sharing her three-step process:
Step 1: Search for similarities
“When you first meet someone, you should constantly be on the lookout for similarities. Are you both drinking red wine? Do you both know the host from work? Do you both love Thai food? Orient your first few conversational topics to find mutual likes and dislikes.”
Step 2: Capitalize on similarities
“Once you find a similarity, don’t let it pass you by. For example, if they think cilantro tastes like soap—because it does—share in the grossness. Double down on that disgusting little herb by saying, ‘Oh yeah, cilantro is the silent food killer. I’m totally on the same page.’ I’m a big fan of the high five, too. If I hear someone also loves Seinfeld, I’m like, ‘High five.’”
Step 3: Extend similarities
“This means using the similarity as a conversational diving board. If you both love watching soccer, ask if they’ve ever played. If they’re big into hiking, ask for their favorite trail and maybe throw out an option to go hike together. This builds on the similarity-attraction effect and creates rapport.”
It’s also important that when we meet people, we ask them about their likes and dislikes, because one of the quickest tricks to being likable when you meet someone new is to ask plenty of questions. Harvard University performed a study and found that after you ask someone the first question, ask two follow-ups, and they’ll be much more likely to like you. Studies show that the most likable people like others.
Now, for a tongue-twister takeaway from this likability story: We like people who are like us, and we also like people who like us. “So get real on what you love, and then highlight that love in other people,” Van Edwards says at the end of her video.
Building healthy relationships starts with having good social skills. Feeling confident jumping into casual conversations and small talk can take practice—especially for people dealing with social anxiety.
But mastering social skills at work and with friends can help you better engage with people and connect in an authentic way, avoiding feelings of awkwardness and self-consciousness.
To help people struggling with their social skills, self-described “recovering awkward person” and behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards shared her best advice in a YouTube video. Van Edwards describes social skills as the “tools we use to communicate, relate, and build relationships.”
She explains the 14 different types of social skills to help people better understand where their strengths lie and how to capitalize on them to make interactions with others feel natural and effortless.
“I want you to think of social skills differently,” says Van Edwards. “Not all social skills are created equal. There are 14 different ways we can be likable, authentic, and charismatic.”
Skill #1: Linchpin
Van Edwards describes the Linchpin social skill as “the gatherer.”
“You are the social glue,” she says. “What’s really great about you is that typically you are a bridge.”
These are the characteristics of a Linchpin:
I am the glue that holds my social group together.
As a team member, I’m involved in lots of projects, bringing ideas and people together.
I am the only person who talks to everyone in my family.
Skill #2: Conversationalist
Van Edwards describes the Conversationalist social skill as someone with the “gift of gab” who is good at small talk.
These are the characteristics of a Conversationalist:
You have been told you are a great conversationalist.
You are good at both leading and facilitating deep conversations.
You speak articulately and can easily express yourself.
Skill #3: Comedian
Van Edwards notes that the Comedian is great at presenting, leading meetings, being a host, and “making people feel at ease.”
These are the characteristics of a Comedian:
I am funny.
I love to make people laugh.
I can always see the bright side of any situation.
“What we don’t realize is that we are speaking all the time,” says Van Edwards—from giving directions to telling a story.
These are the characteristics of a Speaker:
I can captivate an audience.
I love being on stage or leading a meeting (even on video!).
I love writing speeches, giving toasts, and delivering presentations.
Skill #5: Influencer
Van Edwards says the Influencer social skill is especially helpful in business.
“You have no problem talking about who you are and what you do,” she says, adding that Influencers are good at expressing ideas and getting people to agree with them.
These are the characteristics of an Influencer:
People typically listen to what I have to say.
I can be very persuasive.
I am good at pitching myself.
Skill #6: Listener
Van Edwards notes that this is the social skill she struggles with most, adding that she is highly “neurotic.”
“I’m always so worried there is going to be an awkward silence,” she says. “So the moment there is any kind of break, I try to hop in and make sure people are okay.”
To help with this, she took an eight-day “vow of silence,” which she says helped her become a better Listener.
These are the characteristics of a Listener:
People always come to you to vent, complain, or talk about their problems.
You tend to listen more than you talk.
You are very good at being fully present with people and giving them your full attention.
Skill #7: Magnet
“Very few people have this social skill. They’re just attractors,” says Van Edwards. “The moment they walk into a room, people are just drawn to them.”
These are the characteristics of a Magnet:
People usually like you.
You are charismatic and authentic.
People find you approachable and warm.
Skill #8: Storyteller
Van Edwards says that people who are good at storytelling can leverage this skill into toasts, presentations, and speeches.
These are the characteristics of a Storyteller:
I always have a story to share.
I save and remember good stories.
People always ask me to give toasts or introduce people.
Skill #9: Nurturer
“When you are a Nurturer, you cannot help it,” says Van Edwards. “You want to nurture everyone and everything. You’re always worried about others more than yourself.”
She adds that the danger of this includes “having trouble saying no. You probably have trouble setting boundaries. And you might have difficult or toxic people in your life that you have trouble getting rid of.”
These are the characteristics of a Storyteller:
You love taking care of people.
You tend to be a people-pleaser and have trouble saying “no.”
You are very empathetic and compassionate.
Skill #10: Decoder
“Decoders are sleuths,” says Van Edwards. “You’re super perceptive. You’re typically good at reading between the lines.”
These are the characteristics of a Decoder:
I am very perceptive.
I can usually tell what people are thinking and feeling.
“Leaders typically are good at influencing, but they’re even better at seeing an entire team or family or group and taking the pulse of [it] and trying to guide to one direction,” says Van Edwards.
These are the characteristics of a Leader:
I like to empower others.
People often come to me for guidance.
I am better at giving directions than following them.
Skill #12: Connector
“Connectors are good at knowing who should know who, and are very good at building a very robust network that you can rely on,” says Van Edwards.
These are the characteristics of a Connector:
I spend a lot of time and effort networking with others.
I am good at building relationships with influential people.
I have developed a large network of colleagues and associates whom I can call on for support when I really need to get things done.
Skill #13: Dreambuilder
“Dreambuilders are often cheerleader types, so they’re really positive and really optimistic,” says Van Edwards. “You’re really good at encouraging and appreciating people.”
These are the characteristics of a Dreambuilder:
You are great at solving people’s problems.
You love to encourage people.
You are known as a fixer.
Skill #14: Chameleon
“If you are a Chameleon, you are great at adapting yourself,” says Van Edwards. “You’re probably the person who has a little bit of everything [social skills].”
Visualize this: your boss suddenly turns to you in a meeting and asks, “What do you think?” Your mind goes blank. You were paying attention, but being put on the spot feels intense. Your heart pounds. You try to respond, unsure of what to say, and then replay the moment in your mind for the next hour.
Luckily, Abrahams has spent his career studying what happens in these high-pressure moments and, more importantly, how we can handle them well. He’s not only an academic; he also coaches some of the world’s top speakers, including executives, Nobel Prize presenters, and TED Talk headliners.
Let’s look at how this six-step system works in real situations.
Mindset: How to stop holding yourself back
The first four steps of Abrahams’ system are about what happens in your mind before you say anything.
Step 1: Calm–Tame your anxiety
Anxiety isn’t a personal weakness; it’s part of being human. Abrahams explains that our fear of speaking in front of others comes from evolution. It’s a reaction that started when our place in a group was important for survival. Knowing this may not stop your sweaty palms, but it can help you see the experience differently.
Still, anxiety feels very real. To help with it, Abrahams tackles both the symptoms and the causes. For the symptoms, he suggests deep belly breathing, making your exhale twice as long as your inhale. He calls this the “rule of lung.” For example, breathe in for three counts and out for six. Try this a few times before an important meeting or when you expect questions. The longer exhale helps your body relax.
Anxiety comes from worrying about what might happen. The best way to fight it is to stay present. Abrahams suggests using tongue twisters, counting backward from 100 by 17s, or greeting people before you speak. These tricks keep you focused on the moment, so there’s less room to worry about what could go wrong.
Step 2: Unlock–Aim for “good enough”
This part often surprises people. Abrahams tells his Stanford MBA students to “strive for mediocrity so that you can achieve greatness.” Most of them are shocked when they hear this.
His reason makes sense. When you try to speak perfectly, part of your mind is talking while another part is judging you. This inner critic uses up your mental energy. Abrahams borrows from improv and says to “dare to be dull.” Lowering the pressure helps you get unstuck. Once you start talking, your confidence and momentum grow.
Step 3: Redefine–See problems as opportunities
For most people, public speaking feels like a test you either pass or fail. Abrahams suggests a new way to look at it: “We have to see these situations as opportunities, not threats.”
Changing your mindset makes a big difference. A question from the audience becomes an occasion to connect. An unexpected follow-up in a meeting is an opportunity to show what you know. Abrahams also cites the “Yes, And” idea from improv, which means accepting what’s happening and building on it instead of fighting it.
Step 4: Listen–Pace, space, grace
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Abrahams uses a framework from his colleague, Collins Dobbs, called “pace, space, grace.”
Listening well before you respond is one of the most overlooked communication skills. Photo credit: Canva
Pace explains the benefits of holding back before answering. Most of us start thinking of our answer before the other person is done talking. Space is about giving yourself a moment, maybe by asking a clarifying question or repeating what you heard before you reply. Grace is about trusting your gut. Sometimes, people don’t need an answer—they need to be acknowledged, supported, or just have a different kind of conversation. Learning to detect this is a valuable skill.
Messaging: Deciding what to say and how to say it
Once you have the right mindset, the next two steps help you figure out what to say.
Step 5: Structure – Organize your thoughts on the fly
This is where Abrahams’ approach gets really useful. He believes that if you know the basic outline of your answer ahead of time, you can focus on incorporating details that matter to you.
To help you speak off the cuff, he suggests a simple three-part structure: “What? So what? Now what?” This method helps you organize your thoughts clearly, even when you’re caught off guard.
First, state your main idea, position, or key information. (What?)
Next, explain why it matters to your audience. (So what?)
Finally, suggest what should happen next or what action to take. (Now what?)
This structure isn’t a script—it’s sort of like a recipe. You bring the ideas, and the framework helps you put them together.
Step 6: Focus – Get to the point
Be explicit and direct about your purpose. Abrahams shares his mother’s advice: “Tell me the time, don’t build me the clock.” In other words, when someone asks a question, they want the answer, not the whole backstory.
To stay on track, Abrahams suggests asking yourself before you speak: What do I want this person to understand? How do I want them to feel? What do I want them to do? This three-part goal—”know, feel, do”—helps you avoid rambling. When you have a clear goal, you get to the point faster.
This means practicing out loud, not just in your head. It also helps to record yourself and watch the video, since there’s often a difference between how we think we sound and how others see us. Ask for honest feedback, not just reassurance.
He recommends building a “communication pantry“—a set of stories, examples, and facts you can use when you need them. The more you have ready, the easier it is to respond on the spot.
Improving one discussion at a time
What’s great about Abrahams’ approach is that you don’t have to pretend to be someone else. Instead, use what you already have—your knowledge, experience, and real desire to connect—so you can rely on those strengths even when you’re under pressure.
Abrahams often says “connection over perfection,” which is a helpful signal of what really matters. The goal of speaking off the cuff isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be present, helpful, and real. When you stop worrying about performing and focus on the person you’re talking to, you actually get better at it.
Start small. Before your next meeting, take three deep breaths. Pick a simple structure, like “what, so what, now what,” and give it a try. Notice what happens. Like any skill, you’ll get better with practice, one discussion at a time.
Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people’s words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.
People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?
Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.
This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.
To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What’s a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.
Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.
1. You immediately overshare
“You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share.”
2. They’re hard to read
“They themselves are typically hard to read.”
“Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know.”
“Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better.”
“My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking.”
4. They had unpredictable parents
“Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse.”
“This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there’s a good chance bad things happen to me. It’s born out of necessity.”
5. They know you before you open your mouth
“They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding.”
6. They’re accurate
“When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate… like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different.”
“People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times.”
“OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I’ve ever seen…and she’s terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems.”
8. They understand receptivity
“Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others.”
“When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.
You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?
Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?
I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?
NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them.”
10. They don’t show it
“One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic.”
11. You don’t know them, but they know you
“You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface.”
12. They can make friends with anyone
“I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me ‘if I want you to be my friend, you will.’ I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone.”
“That’s kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type.”
