At the end of the day, most people just want to be happy. They may chase it in different ways: money, travel, kids, career achievements. But almost everyone would agree that living a happy life is the thing that will matter most to us in our dying days.
And yet, life is long and full of seasons. There are ups and downs. Struggles and triumphs. When we’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to have perspective on whether we’re really living the life that we want, the one that will bring us happiness and joy.
Who better to learn from than the people who have lived through it all before us?
Three generations of women discuss 90-year-old grandma’s happiest days
Therapist and relationship coach Deborah Krevalin recently cozied up with her daughter, Samantha, and her own 90-year-old mother, Ruth Kenler.
The two younger women had a question for their matriarch:
“When were you the happiest in your life?” Samantha asked.
“Probably when my life was the most hectic,” Kenler answered without missing a beat. “My husband was still in medical training and I was in charge of three children of three different ages. We had very little financial resources, every part of my life was very, very difficult, but it was so full and so happy.”
For her part, Deborah Krevalin had to agree: “I still like to be hopeful that the best years are ahead of me, yet I was the happiest when I was just raising my three children and working my ass off, and didn’t have tons of help.”
“It’s fulfilling,” Kenler said.
Viral video provokes deep reflection in viewers
Nearly 700,000 people viewed Krevalin’s video on TikTok, with just shy of another million tuning in via Instagram. The astounding reach of the video shows exactly how true Kenler’s words are.
“My mom wasn’t just speaking from her own experience,” Krevalin told Newsweek. “She put language to something a lot of people are living through right now and don’t always have the words for.”
The bittersweet reality is that sometimes our hardest days are our best days. It’s difficult for people to wrap their minds around, especially as modern day parents are in the midst of a mental health crisis.
“I have a painful hyper awareness every day that I’m in the best years of my life. And I just don’t know if that is a blessing or a curse,” one commenter wrote.
Others appreciated the reminder to keep perspective, even though it’s difficult:
“love this. yesterday i came home from work, the house and garden was a mess but the kids were runing around the house after time in the pool and i was thinking to myself “what if these are the best years of my life and all i see is…the mess?”
“The Most difficult time was so pure and intense, a lot of struggle but also love and happiness”
“Thanks for reminding me I’m in the happiest moment of life. Have a great day, ladies.”
Studies show older people often remember their 30s most fondly
It’s not just 90-year-old Ruth Kenler. A large study of older adults revealed that, specifically, the ages between 30-34 are often remembered as the happiest.
For many, it’s a time of settling down. Carving out a career and/or starting a family. There’s stability but also chaos: packed schedules, raising young kids, not getting enough sleep, struggling to make ends meet and feed all the mouths.
And yet, even though we may be exhausted and stressed, it’s one of the most meaningful times of our lives. Furthermore, it’s not an exclusive feeling to those with kids. Anyone investing in the early days of a meaningful career, still struggling to find their path and identity, or having a hard time may eventually look back on those days as deeply satisfying and important.
The difference between remembrance and day-to-day happiness
Researchers from the happiness study also theorize that it’s possible for us to romanticize certain periods of our life, to remember them as being more fulfilling than they actually were.
Because there’s another important truth to this story: Day-to-day satisfaction and overall happiness are peaking later and later. Humans are aging better than ever. People in their 70s, 80s, and beyond are often healthy, fit, and living their best lives.
Many people may wish to have the days of parenting young kids back, but in reality a lot of them are having the times of their lives as empty-nesters.
One commenter on Krevalin’s video offered a perfect and personal perspective:
“Hey so for the people in the comments currently in the trenches… my mom is now retired and is the happiest I’ve ever seen her in my whole life. Reflecting on my childhood, I only remember an overwhelmed, exhausted, and drained woman who had no time for herself. She’s free now and I’m so happy for her. She deserves the rest and peace that she’s earned. Although she may look back on being a mom to small children while working full-time as an educator and sometimes smile, she doesn’t miss it and I’m ok with that. She was in survival mode and was not happy. She is now herself again.”
Kenler ultimately said it best at the end of the video:
“There’s something about life… You don’t always know when it’s your happiest moment.”
There’s a beautiful optimism in that. Everyone’s journey is different, and the only way to find out if you’re living the best days of your life or if they’re still ahead of you, is to keep going when things are hard.
