+
“A balm for the soul”
  review on Goodreads
GOOD PEOPLE Book
upworthy
Family

17 assumptions modern newlyweds are sick of people making about their marriages.

Pro tip: Don't ask newlyweds about babies.

17 assumptions modern newlyweds are sick of people making about their marriages.


If you just got married, chances are lots of people think they know what your life is like.

These people are totally well-meaning! And also, mostly wrong.

Being married isn't exactly like it used to be. Which is great, as there are so many different, amazing ways to be newlyweds than ever before. But it's also occasionally frustrating, as we newlyweds are frequently forced to dispel a lot of myths about our relationships.

So let's get them out of the way in one fell swoop.

Here are the most common (but mistaken) assumptions strangers make when you're a newlywed couple, and what our lives are really like.

Assumption #1: We went on our honeymoon already, and we left right after the wedding.

Just like we imagined it. Because we did imagine it.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: In our dreams, we definitely did — and we had a great time!

In real life, however, most of us can't just take a week (or more) off work at will. The office is hella busy, and on top of that, we live in the only wealthy country in the world that doesn't mandate any paid vacation. Many of us were barely able to get the day of our actual wedding off (ultimately, we compromised with our manager and took a half-day).

We're planning to get to it ... eventually. But it might be a while. We promise we'll send pictures!

Assumption #2: We're going to have babies ASAP.

Yay?

Photo via iStock.

Reality: We love being married! But, you know, we actually haven't decided? About babies? We're just enjoying being married right now. But we'll let you know when it happens. We promise.

Assumption #3: We're going to move out of "the city" one day.

So many cheap noodles, so little time.

Photo by Anthony Quintano/Flickr.

Reality: It makes sense to assume that, like so many newly married couples in generations past, we're already planning our escape from our local metropolis to a less population-dense area TBD. But many of us who live in the city really, really like it! The city is great. There are good schools here. We can get nachos delivered at 3 a.m.! From either the good nacho place or the OK-but-cheap nacho place.

Sure, some of us are planning to one day move to the 'burbs for more space (and many already are), but many of us aren't. And still others of us who already live in the suburbs are making the suburbs more like the city.

Having a yard is really nice, but so is not having car insurance payments.

Assumption #4: We feel superior to our second-cousin Frieda whose boyfriend of 19 years still hasn't proposed.

Look! They seem happy!

Photo via iStock.

Reality: Even though we're feeling pretty good about being married, Frieda and Richard are adults and get to make their own decisions — no matter what Aunt Cindy thinks. Maybe they have financial reasons. Maybe they decided a long time ago they don't want to be married. Maybe they believe marriage is an oppressive, archaic, patriarchal institution that they don't want to participate in, and also they're vegan now.

In any case, leave Frieda and Richard alone.

Assumption #5: We're going to have babies soonish.

Aw?

Photo via iStock.

Reality: So, yeah. Like I said. Really haven't decided about babies. Keeping our options open. But probably not soon? You know?

Assumption #6: One of us changed our last name.

Uncanny, really.

Image by Mary Rose Pickett/Sketchport.


Reality: There's totally nothing wrong with couples who decide that one partner will take the other's last name, of course. But not all of us do. At least 1 in every 5 women decide to keep their maiden names, according to a New York Times survey. And if you haven't taken your partner's last name, it's kind of frustrating to constantly hear yourself referred to as Mr./Mrs. Someone Else (for opposite-gender couples, this pretty much applies exclusively to women).

If you're not sure what last name to use, just ask! We'll tell you what the deal is.

Assumption #7: We're having Guinness Book of World Records amounts of sex.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: For those of us who waited to have sex until marriage — which is, of course, totally cool — you might need a supercomputer to tabulate. But lots of us have been together for a long time already and may even have been living together already, so we're probably having whatever amount of sex is normal for us. It's just a regular part of our lives that throwing a wedding doesn't really have a magical impact on.

After many years in a relationship, most of us take "Netflix and chill" quite literally. And seriously.

Assumption #8: We've finished all our thank-you notes.

It. Just. Doesn't. Get. Easier.

Photo by happy_serendipity/Flickr.

Reality: Never. We'll be writing these until the end of time.

Assumption #9: Hanging out with one of us means hanging out with both of us.

You will listen to us talk about our trip to Block Island and you will enjoy it.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: We're still different people. Each of us is a self-sufficient being with free will. And we're probably totally down to hang out with you, even if our spouse isn't available.

Except you, Greg. We're totally avoiding you.

Assumption #10: We're going to have babies ever.

Bujjy bujjy boo?

Photo via iStock.

Reality: So um, like I said, there's actually a chance we might never have babies? We might decide we don't want them after all. We might find out we can't — in which case, these questions might become extremely invasive and painful. We might adopt a child ... who's not a baby. We haven't figured it out yet.

At the end of the day, It's kinda up to us, you know?

Assumption #11: We never use the garlic press you got us.

Such a great gift.

Photo by Lee Kindness/Wikimedia Commons.

Reality: We use it all the time! Thank you so much!

Assumption #12: One of us is going to stay home and take care of the house from here on in.

We will still make the hell out of some lemonade, though.

Photo via iStock.


Reality: Some of us might want to be a housewife or husband. Others of us shudder at the thought of giving up our careers, or urging our spouse to give up theirs. Still others of us might want to, but might not be able to forfeit the second income. There's really no right — or standard — way to do it anymore.

Assumption #13: We both have all the same likes, dislikes, preferences, outlooks, and opinions now.

Missy and I have been getting really into '80s ice dancing.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: My wife will never convince me to like jazz. And I will probably never convince her to like "Captain Phillips" fan fiction. And you know what? We're OK with that.

For the things that matter, we're committed to presenting a united front. But we're still individuals with different thoughts, feelings, and opinions about what Tom Hanks was up to two weeks before the Somali pirates attacked, 'cause honestly, that's where the real drama of the story probably is.

Assumption #14: We wear wedding rings.

Help. Someone glued our hands together. Please call the cops.

Photo by TanyaVdB/Pixabay.

Reality: Some of us like wearing a physical symbol of our connection and duty to our spouse. Some of us don't as much. So we don't wear them. But don't worry! We're still extreme double married 5000.

Assumption #15: Making us a pink cake that says "baby" on it is going to change our mind about babies.

Mmmmmmmm. Nope.

Photo by Frosted with Emotion/Flickr.

Reality: It won't. But we will definitely eat that cake.

Assumption #16: Our lives are a lot different now.

Married or not, we still have three more seasons of "Justified" to get through.

Photo via iStock.

Reality: Beginning roughly seven seconds after we say, "I do," lots and lots and lots of well-intentioned people ask: "How does it feel?!" seemingly expecting to hear: "So much has changed! We got matching ponies! Being married really is a whole new world!" It feels like we're disappointing them when we answer, "Pretty much the way we did the day before the wedding." Which is silly, since there's no shame in that.

For some couples, life is a lot different after marriage, and that's great. But if stuff is kinda sorta the same, that's OK too! Life was great before. That's why we decided to get married.

Assumption #17: If we're not going to lay out a precise plan for having babies, at least we'll probably get a pet.

Blah.

Photo by Madalena Provo, used with permission.


Reality: OK. This one is true.


This article originally appeared on 11.06.15









From Your Site Articles
newlyweds
Badge
National Geographic Documentary Films
National Geographic Documentary Films
Family

Nat Geo's 'Blink' tracks a family finding beauty while facing blindness as they travel the globe

“Let's go all in and fill their visual memory with as much beauty as we can."

via Edith Lemay/NatGeo

Mia, Leo, Colin, and Laurent Pelletier pose on top of their camper van in front of adouble rainbow while in Mongolia.

True

“Blink,” a new film by National Geographic Documentary Films shows how a family with four children, three of whom are going blind, embraces life in the face of an uncertain future. It’s a testament to the resilience of the Lemay-Pelletier family but also a reminder for all of us to seize the day because all our futures are uncertain.

Edith Lemay and Sébastien Pelletier are the parents of Mia, a 13-year-old girl, and three boys: Léo, 11, Colin, 9, and Laurent, 7. Over the last six years, they’ve learned that Mia and the two youngest boys have retinitis pigmentosa, a rare genetic disease in which the cells of the retina slowly die. As the disease progresses, the person develops “tunnel vision” that shrinks until very little vision remains.

The diagnosis devastated the parents. "The hardest part with the diagnosis was inaction. There's nothing they can do about it. There's no treatment,” Edith says in the film.

However, even though the parents couldn’t affect the progress of the disease, they could give their children’s senses an epic experience that would benefit them for a lifetime.

“We don’t know how fast it’s going to go, but we expect them to be completely blind by mid-life,” said the parents. Mia’s impairment advisor suggested they fill her visual memory with pictures from books. “I thought, I’m not going to show her an elephant in a book; I’m going to take her to see a real elephant,” Edith explains in the film. “And I’m going to fill her visual memory with the best, most beautiful images I can.”

The Pelletier family (from left): Mia, Sebastien, Colin, Edith Lemay, Laurent and Leo inKuujjuaq, Canada.via National Geographic/Katie Orlinsky

This realization led to an inspiring year-long journey across 24 countries, during which every family member experienced something on their bucket list. Mia swam with dolphins, Edith rode a hot-air balloon in Cappadocia, and Léo saw elephants on safari.

Colin realized his dream of sleeping on a moving train while Sébastien saw the historic site of Angkor Wat.

“We were focusing on sights,” explains Pelletier. “We were also focusing a lot on fauna and flora. We’ve seen incredible animals in Africa but also elsewhere. So we were really trying to make them see things that they wouldn’t have seen at home and have the most incredible experiences.”

Cameras followed the family for 76 days as they traveled to far-flung locales, including Namibia, Mongolia, Egypt, Laos, Nepal and Turkey. Along the way, the family made friends with local people and wildlife. In a heartbreaking scene, the boys wept as the family had to leave behind a dog named Bella he befriended in the mountains of Nepal.

But the film isn't just about the wonders of nature and family camaraderie. The family's trip becomes a “nightmare” when they are trapped in a cable car suspended hundreds of feet above the Ecuadorian forest for over 10 hours.

annapurna range, blink, nat geoLeo, Laurent, Edith, Colin, Mia, and Sebastien look out at the mountains in the Annapurna range.via MRC/Jean-Sébastien Francoeur

As expected, NatGeo’s cinematographers beautifully capture the family's journey, and in the case of “Blink,” this majestic vision is of even greater importance. In some of the film's quietest moments, we see the children taking in the world's wonders, from the vast White Desert in Egypt to a fearless butterfly in Nepal, with the full knowledge that their sight will fail one day.

Along the way, the family took as many pictures as possible to reinforce the memories they made on their adventure. “Maybe they’ll be able to look at the photographs and the pictures and they will bring back those stories, those memories, of the family together,” Edith says.

But the film is about more than travel adventures and the pain of grief; ultimately, it’s about family.

“By balancing [the parents’ grief] with a more innocent and joyous tale of childlike wonder and discovery, we felt we could go beyond a mere catalog of locations and capture something universal,” the directors Edmund Stenson and Daniel Roher, said in a statement. “Keeping our camera at kid-height and intimately close to the family, we aimed to immerse the audience in the observational realities of their daily life, as well as the subtle relationships between each of them. This is a film built on looks, gestures and tiny details—the very fabric of our relationships with one another.”

Ultimately, “Blink” is a great film to see with your loved ones because it’s a beautiful reminder to appreciate the wonders of our world, the gift of our senses and the beauty of family.

The film will open in over 150 theaters in the U.S. and Canada beginning Oct. 4 and will debut on National Geographic Channel and stream on Disney+ and Hulu later this year. Visit the “Blink” website for more information.

From Your Site Articles
national geographic
Family

Dad camping with his kids shared the handwritten note left on his car from a fellow camper

More of this, please.

Photo credit: Canva, Note image via RCampR6/Reddit

A dad got a sweet note from a fellow father after camping with his kids.

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is never being sure whether you're doing a good job or totally bombing it. If you're conscientious enough to even wonder if you're a good parent, you probably are, but parenting entails a million little choices and interactions, and there's always a lingering voice in your head saying, "What if you're really screwing this whole thing up?"

Reassurance and encouragement are always appreciated by parents, but not always received, which is why a note from one camping dad to another has people celebrating the kindness of anonymous strangers.

"You are killing it as a dad."

Someone on Yosemite Reddit thread shared a photo of a handwritten note with the caption, "To the man who left this thoughtful note on my windshield at Lower Pines Campground this weekend, I extend my heartfelt gratitude; your acknowledgment of my efforts to be a good father means a great deal to me."


Windshield Note.
byu/RCampR6 inYosemite

The note reads:

"Bro,

I camped in the spot behind you last night. Let me just say, you are killing it as a dad. First off, I watched your wife guide you in as you backed up your trailer and nailed it on the first try without any yelling. Then your kids unloaded from the truck and were mild-mannered and well behaved. You told stories around the campfire and I had the pleasure of listening to the sounds of giggles and laughter.

From one dad to another, you are killing it. Keep it up.

P.S. Whatever you cooked for dinner smelled delicious!"

How often do we share these thoughts with strangers, even if we have them? And who wouldn't love to get a surprise bit of praise with specific examples of things we did right?

Everyone needs to hear a compliment once in a while.

So many people found the note to be a breath of fresh air and a good reminder to compliment people when we feel the urge:

"That would make any daddy's eyes water."

"It’s always nice, as a guy, to get a compliment."

"I complimented a guy's glasses at work (I'm also a guy, and btw they were really cool glasses, I wasn't just being nice) and now he keeps trying to tell me where he got his glasses and how I should get some. But I'm just having to be polite because I already have glasses and I'm not in the market. I finally had to tell him I'm not going to buy them lmao I just like them on him.

Made me feel like that's the first compliment he's had in years because he can't stop talking about it. Also I mainly liked the glasses because I think he's cute but he really thinks it's just the glasses haha jokes on him that cute bastard."

via GIPHY

"I was in the store with my wife and one of our 'adopted nephews' yesterday (we’re close friends with his parents and we’ve known him and his brother since they were newborns and 2yo, respectively). A woman came up to me at checkout while my wife was running out to the car and said 'I’m not sure what your family relationship is here, but I just have to tell you how nice and refreshing it is to hear all the laughter and joy from the 3 of you. You both seem like such a good influence on him and it warms my heart.' It’s such a small thing but as a dude, I can’t remember the last time someone gave me a compliment in public and it made my freaking day."

"10/10 letter. The and not yelling part gave me a good chuckle lol."

"We need so much more of men getting such heartfelt and sincere compliments. Thanks for sharing. ❤️"

"I’ve never considered leaving a note, but when I see a harmonious family with good parenting, it’s healing for me. My childhood was awful."

"Such an awesome compliment! Even though I don't have children myself, I like to remind my friends too that they're doing great & it brings them happy tears."

via GIPHY

"This made me cry. I love that you are getting your 'flowers.' My dad sucked, I’m so glad you are one of the good ones."

"This made me cry too. It’s so hard to be a human. Let alone a parent. Getting a good job sticker every now and then really means a lot these days."

"I'm a big bearded guy and I would cry if I got this note. More people like this, please."

The best part of this story is that no one knows who the dad who wrote the note is, not even the dad who shared it. It wasn't written for clout or notoriety, it wasn't to get attention or make himself look good. No name or signature, just an anonymous act of kindness to uplift a stranger whether he needed it or not.

We all need to hear or read kind things said about us, and sometimes it means even more coming from an anonymous stranger who has nothing to gain by sharing. A good reminder to share it when you feel it—you never know how many people you may move and inspire.

From Your Site Articles
parenting
Pop Culture

Cool video shows why everyone used to wear hats and then suddenly stopped

The change started around 1960.

via Warmbru Curiosity/YouTube

When did everyone stop wearing hats?

If you see old newsreel footage of men in the office or on commuter trains from the advent of the motion picture camera to the early ‘60s, nearly everyone is wearing a hat. Hats were just as common for women in that era. For a woman to go out without a hat in the first half of the 20th century was akin to going out without clothes.

The funny thing is that everyone’s headgear is so similar in the old-timey footage that it makes previous generations look like big-time conformists. Then, in the early ‘60s, everything changed, and men and women started to go out in public with their hair exposed. Why did such a big aspect of fashion seem to change overnight?

Warmbru Curiosity investigated the question recently in a popular YouTube video. Warmbru’s channel is a lighthearted look at some of the more unusual people and events from our history and how they have influenced the world in which we live.

Why did people stop wearing hats?

Warmbru says fashion changed dramatically after World War II, when people in developed countries began to care less about expressing their social status. “This was especially true among the younger generation the rise of youth culture in the 1950s and 1960s emphasized rebellion against traditional norms, including formal dress codes,” the YouTuber says.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

Another big reason for the change in fashion was technology. Cars became the preferred mode of transportation for many after World War II and indoor environments became more hospitable. “People spent far less time exposed to the elements as people increasingly moved to urban areas and started using cars,” Warmbru says. “The practicality of wearing hats diminishes. Hats can be cumbersome in cars and on public transport, improvements in heating and air conditioning reduce the need for hats to provide warmth.”

Warmbru adds that President John F. Kennedy, elected in 1960, rarely wore a hat and his decision to go bareheaded became associated with modernity. Further, in 1963, the mop-topped Beatles proudly flaunted their hatless heads as they shook them while singing, “Wooooo.” Hat-wearing among women began to decline around the same time as the restrictive and complex headgear clashed with the burgeoning women’s liberation movement.



The decline in hat purchases meant that manufacturers closed and the headgear became harder to come by. This reduced availability further contributed to the decline in hat-wearing. As fewer people wore hats, there became a greater demand for high-quality hair products and services. “Why spend a fortune at the hairdressers or the barbers just to cover the end result with a hat?” Warmbru asks.

Ultimately, there were many reasons why people stopped wearing hats. It appears that it was a combination of technology, influential people such as Kennedy and The Beatles, and the overwhelming mood of change that swept most of the Western world in the 1960s. But if one thing is true about fashion, it goes in cycles. So, it seems that hats may be ready for their big comeback.

From Your Site Articles
history
Culture

Dad’s 5-year-old daughter's hilarious answers to his questions have the internet screaming

“Do I have to change my name if I get married? Call me Shredder.”

via James Breakwell / Twitter

Raising kids is tough, but there's a lot of laughs along the way.

Comedy writer James Breakwell has four daughters under the age of eight and shares their hilarious conversations on Twitter. And, from Breakwell's tweets, it looks like his five year old has a future in comedy.

Here's a sampling of some Breakwell's funniest kid-inspired tweets.


1.

2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10.


11.



12.


13.


14.


15.


16.



17.


18.


19.


20.


21.


22.


23.


24.


25.




His 5-year-old isn't the only (often unintentionally) hilarious child in the house; the 7-year-old and 3-year-old turn up from time to time. There's also a 2-year-old, but she hasn't been the subject of many tweets yet.


26.


27.


28.


29.


30.


31.


32.


33.



34.


35.


36.



37.


38.


This article originally appeared on 7.27.21

From Your Site Articles
comedy
Love Stories

5 key takeaways from mom's heartfelt letter of advice after 57 years of happy marriage

"We love each other more with each passing day."

Courtesy of Leslie Means

5 key pieces of advice from couple married 57 years

People often talk about how difficult relationships can be. When talking about long lasting marriages and relationships, the word "work" comes up quite a bit. It can make it seem like there's no fun to be had in lasting commitments. After the white dresses, three tiered cake and honeymoon, it's time to pull on your tall rubber boots to sludge through the mud of a long term relationship.

But no one gets married because they're looking forward to how much work the relationship will be. Outside of being in love, people marry because the person makes them laugh, they're smart, thoughtful, compassionate and so much more. With all the tales about the hard dredging work of marriage, some may be relieved to hear of a letter from someone married for nearly 60 years that doesn't mention toiling away the years to stay together.

Keith and Linda Waechter have been married for 57 years, and recently, Linda decided to write a letter to their four daughters detailing how they have maintained a loving, happy and healthy marriage. One of their daughters, Leslie Means, shared the letter chalked full of sweet gems to social media in hopes to spread the heartfelt marriage advice.

The letter starts off sweetly, clearly communicated from a loving mother with a close relationship with her children hoping to impart wisdom.

Courtesy of Leslie Means

"Dearest Daughters,

How do I explain the commitment your father and I feel to each other and this marriage?

First and foremost, we love each other more with each passing day. The love I feel today is so much greater than the mesmerizing love of our wedding day. I still get a butterfly in my stomach when I hear the click of his boots when he walks up the sidewalk of our new home, just as I did as a newlywed in the cockroach-infested basement apartment of our first married days. Granted, the cadence of the steps has changed due to the aging process, but it still fills my heart.

Even though my hair has lost its color and my body has lost the shape and gait of my youth; I have no doubt that your father loves me as I love him. As one ages, the commitment made on your wedding day becomes even more important as you change your habits to help your partner face changes in their life. This is a commitment to both of you as you are enveloped in the experience of marriage," Waechter writes.

Courtesy of Leslie Means

Within that first paragraph readers can already palpably feel the love Linda still has for her husband Keith. But it was the sweet details of how they've made their marriage last for more than a half century that stands out. Here are the five takeaways to maintaining a healthy relationship according to Waechter.

Best friends with a small caveat

The devoted wife explains that her husband is her very best friend and the first person she wants to share information with but emphasizes the importance of having another friend in your corner.

"I also believe it is very important to pursue the friendship of at least one other couple with whom you can talk things over. Sometimes the thoughts of a worry or hurt feelings just have to be verbalized to be understood. If you are so fortunate as to have more than one couple as intimate friends, then you are doubly blessed," she shares.

Courtesy of Leslie Means

Roadtrips aren't just for adventure

Waechter explains that taking roadtrips together allows time for focus just on each other. There's room for conversations on the way to your destination to deepen your connection. Plus, who isn't a fan of a little adventure on a weekend getaway when possible? That alone can help reset tension that may have been building as your focus is on your partner without the normal daily stressors.

"Roll with the punches"

Figuratively of course. The mom shares, "We have in the past and continue today to “roll with the punches.” There have been arguments with heated disagreements. (We no longer bring up the subject of my indoor cat AND a dog.) We have compromised our own personal wishes to fit more closely with each other."

Marriage is NOT 50/50

This may feel like a bit of a shock for some people but Waechter's explanation makes a lot of sense. She tells her daughters marriage isn't 50/50, "Sometimes it is 90/10 in your favor and then again it will turn to 90/10 in your husband’s favor. We respect each other’s wishes. We do not always agree, but we work for an eventual compromise. Commitment remains the watchword even at a time sprinkled with age."

Creating time for physical intimacy

Before her adult daughters collectively choked on whatever liquid they were drinking while reading the wholesome letter, Waechter immediately clarified that she isn't just talking about sex but it is included.

"Finding time for an intimate physical relationship (okay, don’t choke on the word – intimate), whether it be holding hands or dinner out has been a goal worked toward. And yes, dear granddaughter, Sarah, old people do have sex!"

Courtesy of Leslie Means

When speaking with Upworthy about what the letter meant to receive, Means says, "It is such a gift to receive a note from our mom. We are grateful for her wisdom and guidance!"

Growing up witnessing how her parents loved each other is something Means doesn't take for granted. She tells Upworthy, "Mom and Dad taught us about commitment and selfless love by showing it in their everyday lives. They showed up. Again and again. They put each other first and they let go of the little things that just don’t matter. For that we are forever grateful."

Courtesy of Leslie Means

The letter brought about many well wishes for a continued successful marriage while others agreed with the wisdom being shared. Keith and Linda married when they were both barely legal adults at 18 and 19, and while Linda shares in her letter that times have not always been easy, she never describes her marriage as something hard to work at.

While marriage advice isn't a one sized fits everyone thing, the knowledge gained from being in a 57 year healthy and happy marriage is certainly something to consider. Here's to many more happy years to come!

From Your Site Articles
marriage advice
Democracy

Sexual assault survivors see some hope for justice as rape kit backlogs finally clear

Tens of thousands of backlogged rape kits have been processed since the problem came to light.

Photo credit: Canva

Some rape survivors have waited years for their rape kits to be processed.

Some good news for survivors of sexual assault is coming in from jurisdictions around the country as rape kit backlogs are finally being eliminated.

East Tennessee is almost finished clearing its rape kit backlog, with only about 20 kits to go and a much faster processing time. According to WVLT News, processing a rape kit in the region took more than 10 months on average in 2022. Currently, the wait is just 10 weeks, and the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation hopes to have the catch-up on the backlog completed in October of 2024.


Washington state has also declared that its rape kit backlog is "essentially eliminated” after processing more than 30,000 kits over the past decade. In 2015, Washington took inventory of all of its unprocessed rape kits and began implementing a system to expedite their processing. A House bill passed in 2019 required that by May of 2022, rape kits would be tested within 45 days. According to KPTV News, 95% of kits are tested and DNA entered into a database in 45 days, as reported by the Washington State Patrol’s Vancouver Crime Lab, where most of the state's kits are processed.

North Carolina, West Virginia and other states have also successfully brought their backlog to at or near zero.

Rape kits can provide vital evidence in sexual assault investigations

What this means for some rape survivors is justice finally being served, as their rape kit evidence backs up their case. For others, it means answers, as some don't know the identity of the person who raped them and DNA analysis from the kit provided that information. For many, it's a sense of relief that there's at least some chance that the person who hurt them will be found and convicted and won't be able to hurt anyone else.

The abysmal state of rape kit processing in the U.S. was one of the little-known realities that came to light during the Me Too movement. A sexual assault victim could report a rape right away, go to the hospital to endure hours of invasive procedures to collect bodily fluids and DNA to help prove the crime, only to wait years for their rape kit to even be processed, much less submitted as evidence.

Actor Mariska Hargitay has been at the forefront of the movement to eliminate rape kit backlogs with her Joyful Heart Foundation's End the Backlog campaign.

“To me, the backlog is one of the clearest and most shocking demonstrations of how we regard these crimes in our society," Hargitay shares on the campaign's website. "Testing rape kits sends a fundamental and crucial message to victims of sexual violence: You matter. What happened to you matters. Your case matters. For that reason, The Joyful Heart Foundation, which I founded in 2004, has made ending the rape kit backlog our #1 advocacy priority.”

The six pillars of rape kit reform

End the Backlog established six pillars of reform to help jurisdictions process rape kits more expediently and catch up on processing untested kits. Those pillars are:

1. Implement an annual statewide inventory of kits.

2. Mandate the submission and testing of all backlogged kits.

3. Mandate the testing of all new kits.

4. Create and use a statewide kit tracking system.

5. Implement mechanisms for survivors to easily find out about the status of their kits.

6. Allocate appropriate funding to submit, test, and track kits.

Washington is one of more than a dozen states that have implemented all six pillars, which has enabled the state to turn its backlog around.

“Each of those kits is a survivor whose voice was never heard, who didn’t have a path to justice, and left a lot of predators in the community to re-offend,” Washington representative Tina Orwall told KPTV. "We have a system in place where this is never going to happen again. Those kits will never sit on a shelf. The survivor will have a voice. They can check the status of the kits and the process.”

Why have so many rape kits gone untested?

The status of rape kit backlogs varies greatly by state. A few states still have thousands of kits awaiting processing, some hundreds, some zero and some don't have enough trackable information to even know how many there are. According to End the Backlog, many jurisdictions don't have systems for counting or tracking rape kits.

But making sure rape kits are tracked and processed is important, not just for survivors but for the safety of the public as well.

“Since so many sexual assailants are serial offenders … the DNA from a rape kit is often the material difference between a sexual predator going to jail or remaining free to reoffend,” said U.S. Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) at aSenateJudiciary subcommittee hearing in 2015. “When rape kits remain untested and sitting on a shelf, the consequences can be nothing short of devastating.”

So why have so many rape kits gone unsubmitted and untested? According to an investigative report from Sofia Resnick of Rewire News, the "he said, she said" nature of rape allegations has been used to "justify the systemic failure of police and prosecutors nationwide to properly process forensic evidence that could lead to more sexual assault convictions." Rape by definition revolves around consent, which is often difficult to prove one way or another. Resnick reported that police would often only push for rape kit testing in cases that didn't hinge on the consent question or where the assailant's identity was unknown. It's taken time for the importance of testing all rape kits to be understood by everyone involved in the investigative and prosecution process, as those kits contain a wealth of information beyond just DNA that can aid investigators in determining which parts of the victim's and assailant's narrative are backed up by evidence.

However, reality is rape is a difficult crime to prove, even with physical evidence. Despite more rape kits being tested, convictions are still hard to come by and many survivors don't find justice. Anything that provides relevant information about an alleged assault is important, however, and survivors deserve to have their rape kits processed in a timely manner, whether they end up ultimately proving their case or not.

See where your state ranks and learn more about what's being done to end rape kit backlogs at endthebacklog.org. If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault, check out the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Hotline by calling 1-800-656-HOPE or use the Online Hotline: hotline.rainn.org/online. (En Español: rainn.org/es)

From Your Site Articles
justice
Trending Stories