Host: Now tonight we are debating the existence of God. Who better to talk about it than 2 stand-up comedians? Everybody please give it up for the host of the of the Citizen Radio Podcast, Atheist, Jamie Kilstein, and from the new movie, "The Coexist Comedy Tour," airing on Starz this month, Jesus believer, John Fugelsang! Now, first off, we've already solved who dresses better, people who believe in God or atheist. We've already started.
Jamie: I know, I know, I know
Host: That's all right.
Jamie: I would believe in God if I had hair and a suit like that so. But I was like, "Really, God? This? All right. Whatever. I'm out!
Host: So, let say this. I kind of feel like I'm in the middle of this debate because I do believe in God. Some of my best atheists are friends, you know what I'm saying? So, it takes a second, but I feel like as a black guy I can't not believe in God, you know what I'm saying? I'm already black and I'd be like, I'd wake up in the morning and be like "I'm black and there's no God. I'm going back to sleep." You know what I'm saying? I just kind of need a mythical thing up there to hold onto! Every day of my life. You know what I'm saying? So Jaime, when did you become faithless heathen?
Jamie: I did when I met my wife, which doesn't sound good. By my girlfriend at the time who is now my wife, Allison. A couple years in our relationship we were at Niagara Falls and I looked at her with my like throw the mic down moment, where I'm like "Look at this. Look at this, this majestic scene. Like how can you look at this and tell me there's no God. And then she took my hand and she brought me over to the sign that explained how Niagara Falls was made. And I was like "Well, I'm sorry! And then I was like a kid for months after that! I would just like, I was like, LOOK! Mountains are made this way?! And I was excited about everything. And that was it.
Host: All right, and you on the other hand are a God believer.
John: Well, I got to blame somebody, right?
Host: Yes, is that why you believe in God? So you can have somebody to blame?
John: Well, you know what, I don't just believe in God. I identify with his mood swings. I come from an abnormally Christian background. My mother.
Host: Abnormally Christian?
John: My mother was an ex-nun and my father was a Franciscan brother.
Host: Sounds hot!
Host: Very ...
John: Yeah, sort of. Yeah, I am the whitest guy in this room, but I can honestly say my mother was a sister and my father was a brother. So I grew up believing in Jesus the way anybody would believe in Mom's first husband. But, I got to say I've come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but a lot of the fan clubs really freak me out. and I think a lot of times the mistake we make is confusing God and religion and thinking they're the same thing.
John: You know, God, I think is a bit to hip to join any of his unauthorized fan clubs. So, you know, I think a lot of times when you say, "Oh well religion is responsible for all the horrible stuff in the world." Well, to some degree. You remember when that guy shot President Regan to impress Jodie Foster? I don't blame Jodie Foster for what her crazy fans do. So I'm not gonna blame Jesus for what his crazy fans do.
Jamie: I blame God for what happened to Jodie Foster. Oddly enough.
Host: But Damien, what is the horror in believing in God?
Jamie: I feel like a lot of people will use religion to sort of like solidify their agenda, you know? I mean you do look at the most prominent homophobia, sexism, all this stuff comes from religion. And mainstream religion! I mean, not mainstream, but I mean, we had a presidential candidate who, i mean, it was Michelle Bachman, but I mean, nonetheless.
Host: Can we really say a presidential candidate?
John: Yes, you can really, she won the ... , she bought it fair and square.
Jamie: They allowed her on the stage.
Jamie: They weren't like, "wait a second", like she was on there.
Jamie: And you know her husband ran one of those gay ...
Host: Reparative programs.
Jamie: Yeah! Repair programming camps where you literally send gay kids and you tell them they're different and you tell them they're broken. And like first of all, I hope those kids come back with so many phone numbers, like I hope that that camp was just like a dirty sex
John: What we have now is all the fundamentalist Christians who read the Bible and they skip right from the Golden Calf to the Book of Revelations and then the left behind books. And they kind of leave out the fact that Jesus was pretty much the most extremely liberal guy ever in history or literature, whatever your belief system is.
John: You know, you look at the character of Jesus and he scares the hell out of Conservatives, even today. If Jesus came back today, you wouldn't be able to hear him talk over the sound of Christians calling him a socialist.
Jamie: Oh yeah!
John: He was peaceful, radical, nonviolent, revolutionary. Hung out with lepers, hookers, and crooks. Never spoke English. Wasn't an American Citizen. Anti-wealth, anti-death penalty, anti-public prayer. Matthew 6:5, yes he was. Never anti-gay, never anti-abortion, never anti-premarital sex. Long haired, brown skin, that's in Revelation, Kirk Cameron, brown skin. Homeless, Middle Eastern, Jew!
Jamie: If that guy was real, I would totally hang out with him ...
John: And that's only if you believe what's really in the Bible!
Jamie: Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things where, you know, why not? I love the fact that I want to trash atheists and you want to trash extremists. I feel like we should just switch. I should be like, "I think Richard [Ogdens] hates Muslims!
John: But he does!
Jamie: I know! ...
John: And he really screwed up!
Host: Here's the thing, because I feel like atheism is one thing. But I feel like when whiteness and atheism come together that's like too much ... White privilege. That's like the highest level of white privilege. Having a black belt in white privilege. It just feels like, "You can't have everything. I don't need no help! I don't need no God, no government loans, no high fives! I'll do it all with my mind! Why are you such a dick?"
John: Damien is not a dick.
Host: Yeah, I know, I mean the atheism and the white.
John: But that's the beauty! You can have fundamentalist Atheists. You want to be a believer? Great! You want to be an Atheist? Great! Just don't be a dick! It's really simple!
Jamie: Here's the thing. I think that a lot of atheists will go as far facts take them, right? So right now, if the ceiling came crashing in and someone was like, "I'm God." I wouldn't be like, "No you're not. I've read Christopher Hitchens." I'd be like, "I apologize."
So my take is if I get up to heaven and there is a God and he was like, "You were wrong. How did you live your life?" and I'm like, "I tried to help people, I tried to give to charity. I didn't know if you were real and there was no evidence. And he was like, "Well you didn't worship me every day." Then I'm like, "Fine. Send me where ever is as far away from you as possible. Because you're a sociopath. Seriously.
Host: You know, On that note, I think Damien calling God a sociopath is a good place to end this.
Jamie: Sorry FX!
Host: Yeah, Jaimie calling God a sociopath ...
John: I think Abraham would agree with that, by the way.
Host: I'm just trying to get out of here before lightning hits, quite frankly. Thanks for coming to the show. Give it up for Jamie Kilstein and John Fugelsang!
There may be small errors in this transcript.