As Ted Lasso nears the end of its fourth season, it delivers one of the simplest, yet most memorable scenes of the entire show.
In the episode, assistant coach of AFC Richmond’s Lady Greyhounds, Alice (brilliantly played by Tanya Reynolds), is overcome with emotion during practice. For context: Gemma, a key player for the Lady Greyhounds, with whom Alice shares a bit of complicated history, injures her knee and is taken out of commission. And when Alice, who had to give up her sports career due to injury, finds out Gemma doesn’t plan on returning to the team once her knee is healed, it all becomes a little too much.
Alice tries to put on a brave face to remain professional, but eventually excuses herself. The ever-observant and empathetic Lasso cocks this, then finds Alice crying in their shared office. The assistant apologizes profusely and tries to assure Lasso that she’s “fine,” though she clearly is not.
And then, something magical happens. Rather than trying to console, comfort, fix, or distract, Lasso merely stays silent and present with Alice until the sadness passes. It’s a beautifully written moment, beautifully performed by both actors.
Watch the Ted Lasso clip below:
This act is known as co-regulation, which happens when someone is able to soothe another person in distress simply by being calm.
“We’re wired to pick up on each other’s emotional state,” explains Elizabeth Bodett Dresser, LCPC. “Which is why being around an anxious person can make you anxious, and being around a steady person can help you breathe a little easier. Babies learn to calm down this way, but we never outgrow needing it. When someone is overwhelmed, a steady presence gives them something to lean against while the wave passes.”
And that’s exactly what we see in this scene. All Lasso does is breathe deeply as Alice’s anguish moves through her. And, interestingly, that’s all that’s needed for it to pass through.
Why co-regulating is so difficult IRL
However, just because co-regulation is an integral part of our human program, it’s not exactly easy for many of us to not get reactive when our loved ones show signs of distress.
“When someone we care about is upset, there’s a part of us that gets uncomfortable and wants to rush in with advice, a silver lining, or a ‘don’t cry, it’s okay.’ We think we’re helping, but a lot of the time we’re really trying to soothe our own discomfort. What the person hears underneath is ‘your feelings are too much for me,’” says Dresser.
But this clip shows how incredibly powerful it is when we do allow ourselves to truly remain with someone during their darker moments. Dresser theorizes the scenes could be resonating with so many people because this type of comfort is something “so many people have never experienced that, and they can feel how much they’ve wanted it.”
How to co-regulate, Ted Lasso-style
In a rare feat for television, Ted Lasso gives you a play-by-play for how to co-regulate with someone in real life, according to Dresser. Notice your own impulse to fix things, without having to act on it. You can even ask if someone prefers space, or needs you just to listen. Slow your breathing, soften your voice, and say simple things like “I’m here,” “Take your time,” or “That sounds really hard.” But often, as this clip demonstrates, intentional silence is more helpful than filler words.
There are only 2 more episodes left before this season of Ted Lasso ends. But it’ll end with us all remembering what this heartfelt fish-outta-water sitcom does best: giving us beautiful examples of what it looks like to tackle the harder parts of life with radical grace.
