Most people will say that those who care about other people’s feelings and don’t want to step on anyone’s toes are a pleasure to be around. In fact, no one would complain if the world suddenly had a billion more people who considered other people’s feelings before they do anything.
People who make decisions with others in mind make the world easier for everyone by cleaning their dishes in the office kitchen instead of leaving them in the sink, moving their car from the EV parking spot after it’s charged, and putting their phone on vibrate while watching a movie in the theater.
However, according to psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D., and a whole heap of research, people who care too much about others’ approval before taking action can unknowingly zap themselves of their motivation to achieve their goals.
In an article for Psychology Today, Travers notes that to have lasting motivation requires three factors:
A sense of competence
A sense of relatedness
A sense of autonomy or the felt experience that your actions are genuinely your own
Why seeking validation kills your motivation
“Chronic external validation-seeking gradually dismantles that third condition. The habit looks harmless, even socially virtuous, in its early forms. You check with your partner before committing to a project. You scan the room before voicing an opinion. You post something and wait, a little tensely, to see how it lands,” Travers writes. “They become a motivation-killer when they calcify into a reflex that says, ‘I don’t act until I know someone approves.’”
Over time, if you are constantly waiting for your significant others’ approval before you take on a project, run every small thing you do by your boss before you hit send, or make sure that your child likes what you’re cooking for dinner before you go grocery shopping, your brain stops seeking rewards from your actions. Instead, it seeks rewards from approval. This eventually kills your internal motivation.
The scary thing is that when your boss approves your idea or your spouse thinks that painting the garage is a great idea, you feel good about yourself. But, over time, it can kill your motivation.
Psychologist Chanel Freeman says that eventually, seeking the approval of others can lead to anxiety, depression, resentment, and emotional burnout. “When you shape yourself to meet others’ expectations, you slowly disconnect from who you truly are. Your opinions soften, your boundaries blur, and your needs become secondary,” she writes.
The key to regaining your motivation is to stop looking for external validation and, instead, follow what you believe is right for you. Of course, easier said than done if it’s a cycle that’s been happening for years. It all begins with small steps: stop asking for validation on small, low-risk decisions. Then, eventually, you can gain the confidence to rely on yourself for bigger decisions and pursue loftier goals.
How to stop seeking external validation
“Start to become more self-aware, and pay attention to what behaviors make you feel good about yourself, regardless of how other people react,” Ilene Strauss Cohen, Ph.D., writes at Psychology Today. “Reflect on and pay attention to choices you’ve made, things you like about yourself, or times you’ve stayed true to yourself.”
It’s tricky to try to keep the right balance to make those around you happy while staying true to yourself at the same time. But when your goal becomes keeping everyone happy at the expense of growing as a person, you know it’s time to find a healthier distance between your wishes and those of others. Ultimately, true consideration means respecting other people’s feelings while controlling the direction of your own life.
