When it comes to kids, parents have to strike a delicate balance between being hands-on and letting go. Mistakes and experiences, both good and bad, inform children’s minds and future behavior, so it’s important to let them learn for themselves sometimes. We so often think about physical health and keeping kids healthy with good vitamins, diets, and exercise. But of course, mental health—mental “strength” in general—is equally crucial.
Dr. Daniel G. Amen, M.D., a psychiatrist and author with well over four million followers on Instagram alone, often takes to social media to discuss parenting, trauma, medication, psychological conditions, and so much more. He takes his many years of research and empirical observation and creates a direct, no-nonsense approach when explaining ideas to his followers.
Let them solve problems
In a short clip recently shared on Instagram, Dr. Amen addresses how to help ensure, to the best of a parent’s ability, you’re raising “mentally strong kids.” And it’s actually quite simple in theory. He advises, “If you want to raise mentally strong kids, do this: you have to let them solve their own problems.”
He continues, “The more problems you solve for them, the less competent they become. So if you want to raise mentally strong kids, you can’t do too much for them. So when they bring you a problem, your response could be: ‘Wow, you’re so smart. What do you think we should do about it?’ And don’t give your two cents until you’ve made them think about it.”
Some in the comments used the clip to compare generations. “That’s why the Millennials do so well. I think we were the last generation where our parents pushed independence,” one said.
Another shares a similar sentiment, adding that the more coddled a generation, the harder it becomes for them later in life. In part, they note, “If you raise them reasonably, they’ll be able to solve problems and gain self-confidence. I’m afraid that all this focus on younger generations doesn’t really help them.”
The Montessori method
This Instagrammer notes the influence that Dr. Maria Montessori had on education: “Maria Montessori published so much about this exact approach, and now there’s science proving it.”
They’re referring to the Italian psychiatrist and educator who was so incredibly impactful with her ideas, entire school systems were created based on her beliefs. Those schools (known as Montessori schools) still exist around the world today.
On their blog, Brightwheel, an early childhood education technology brand, shares the idea of the method is to get kids to “self-motivate” while learning: “The goal of the Montessori method is to create a strong foundation so children can become motivated, independent learners who eventually transition to successful adults as they continue their education and development.”
Building confidence
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Sarah Kipnes, LCSW, shares with Upworthy the importance of letting children learn things on their own (within reason). “It is instinctual for parents to want to protect their child from harm, which includes children making mistakes. What’s hard to keep in mind is that interfering with a child experiencing the discomfort of making mistakes can impede their growth as they test the waters of independent thinking. When parents step in too quickly to fix a problem or remove an obstacle, children miss the chance to discover that they can handle hard things, and that discovery is the foundation of genuine confidence.”
Dr. Owen Muir, a double-board-certified psychiatrist with Radical Health, has similar views. He shares with Upworthy that both he and his wife are child psychiatrists. “We parent our kids to be resilient. This means they have to make their own decisions, which sometimes involves failure or choices that they won’t feel enthusiastic about later.”
Let them be brave
Dr. Muir also discusses the importance of consequences, sharing, “We believe that natural consequences are the best consequences, and those consequences often come from making decisions that aren’t what we would decide. Being mentally strong is about facing what comes, not about avoiding things that make you anxious.”
He gives an example: “My favorite moment with our kids was when we went to a high ropes course. My son was scared, my daughter was fearless, and I was pretty unsteady! But they required an adult to at least go up with her. She ended up doing all three levels of the rope course. I only got through one, but I was there to cheer her on at the end. Sometimes your kids will be braver than you will be. Buckle up!”
Kipnes emphasizes the fact that safety is obviously a factor. “This does not mean to be a completely hands-off parent, but rather to allow a child to ‘fall’ when it is safe to do so and then to be available to help pick them up when they need a hand. The parent who offers that support can show their child there is something to be learned from making the mistake and experiencing the consequences, while simultaneously building the skills to be independent.”
In the end, like Dr. Amen, Kipnes believes that this method can lead to good outcomes. “Mentally strong kids are those who have been allowed to struggle in age-appropriate ways and have learned to trust themselves as a result. That might look like letting a teenager experience the natural consequence of forgetting a homework assignment rather than rushing it to school. These small moments of productive discomfort build the emotional muscle that protects kids later in life.”
