Over the past few years, “estrangement culture” has become a big topic of discussion in therapeutic circles. It explains the increasing normalization of completely cutting off family members and close friends to protect one’s mental health. It’s believed that the growing comfort people have with setting hard boundaries around loved ones has led more people to go no-contact.
A recent study by Talkspace for Mental Health Awareness Month found that 38% of Americans went no-contact with a friend or family member last year, completely cutting off communication with them. The poll showed that there is a huge difference between the generations when it comes to going no-contact. Sixty percent of Gen Zers said they cut off contact with a loved one in the last year, compared to just 50% of Millennials, 38% of Gen Xers, and 20% of Baby Boomers.
The biggest reason people gave for cutting off a loved one is lack of respect (36%), followed by mental health (29%), and being “too negative to be around” (27%).
Social media made creating distance a challenge
Why is it that so many people are cutting off loved ones? Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told NPR that a lot of it has to do with modern technology. “So I have one theory to explain this, and I think that we are so much more connected than we’ve ever been, especially with our family members, using things like social media, texting, email, et cetera, that it’s really difficult to just create distance from your family without setting these hard rules or boundaries with people. You can’t really just, like, move across the country and say, oh, I can’t get home for the holidays,” Goodman said.
Going no-contact with a loved one is a sure-fire way to protect your mental and physical health if the relationship is abusive. However, it can also be a sign of extreme conflict avoidance in a relationship that can be repaired.
“Sometimes, going no contact is the healthiest option when a family member’s behavior is abusive, toxic, or consistently hurtful,” says Mindwell NYC. “If you’ve tried setting boundaries in other ways and the relationship remains harmful, cutting off contact may be necessary for your emotional safety.”
When can relationships be repaired?
Carla Shuman, Ph.D., says we should give our loved ones a chance to redeem themselves and focus on the positive aspects of the relationship before cutting things off permanently. “Sometimes, family members regret their previous actions. They apologize, ask forgiveness, and attempt to make amends by changing their behavior toward those whom they have hurt. Or they may not realize the extent to which they have hurt you or others. That may seem hard to understand, but I’ve sat with clients whose family members have cut them off. Sometimes they do become much more aware, and they experience incredible remorse and sadness over their actions. If this is the case, or if they are willing to attempt to change, cutting off the relationship may not be the best next step,” Shuman writes at Psychology Today.
The rise in people going no-contact reveals a tricky dichotomy at the heart of our most important relationships when they fracture. If we go no-contact, are we taking the easy way out or protecting ourselves from people who have no desire to change? Conflict is normal in relationships. Is the short-term pain of addressing it worth a lifetime of potential regret? There’s no single right answer, but the fact that so many people are asking the question says something about where we are right now.
This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.
