Generally speaking, humans want to be happy. At the very least, we want to live with a certain baseline of happiness, even knowing life comes with inevitable ups and downs. An entire self-help industry exists because of this desire, and there’s no shortage of advice on how to be happier.
But what if the key to happiness was actually knowing how to make yourself unhappy? That’s the idea behind CGP Grey’s video explaining “7 Tactics to Maximize Misery” (an adaptation of How to Be Miserable by Dr. Randy J. Paterson).
By detailing the habits that make us unhappy, it becomes quite clear why we might be struggling with happiness and what we might want to change. The main video includes a video footnote, in case it’s not abundantly clear that the tactics for misery are not meant to be taken as literal advice, but quite the opposite:
“You, like me, might find the advice on happiness kind of tiresome,” Grey says. “Almost irritating. So it might be more useful to think about how to achieve the opposite, and thus, to see how the actions we might take work against us…My dear viewers, do not take the main video as literal advice.”
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the seven ways we can make ourselves miserable:
1. Stay still
“Remain indoors as much as possible, preferably in the same room,” Grey suggests. “Be the human equivalent of a pile of laundry…Don’t let a beautiful day tempt you for a walk. Avoid anything even vaguely exercisial.”
He explains that stillness will keep reward chemicals out of your brain and lead to health problems, which will help you stay in the cycle of stillness and misery. And to be even more miserable, make your bedroom your “all room,” doing all of your not-doing-anything-physical in one small space.
2. Screw with your sleep
“A regular sleep cycle is a fragile thing and takes at least three days to establish,” says Grey. “Be sure then to vary your bedtime by several hours twice a week, at least. Even better: vary your wake time. Sleep in late, preferably very late, some but not all days. And tell yourself you are making up for sleep to feel like you’re doing something healthy, even though you feel terrible when you wake up early and when you wake up late.”
Basically, you want to make sure you befriend irregular sleep and insomnia, never waking up or going to bed at the same time.
3. Maximize screen time
“Boredom could drive you to motion, so let the screen entertain you,” suggests Grey. “Tiredness can push you to sleep, so let the screen keep you awake, sort of, as long as possible. Always fall asleep with a screen in your hand and put your eyes back on it as soon as you wake.”
Grey explains that you have allies on this front:
“Behind the screen are teams of the smartest people and brightest bots competing to hold your attention on them as long as possible. Let them reach you to pull you back if you turn away.”
4. Use your screen to stoke your negative emotions
Grey suggests using your feed to fuel your “anger or anxiety about things over which you have no control or influence.”
By focusing on the bad and only contributing in meaningless, token ways, especially about things we actually care about, we can further fuel our resentment and despair, says Grey.
To sum up: “Be well informed while doing nothing.”
5. Set VAPID goals
Many of us are familiar with the concept of SMART goals—Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Responsible (or Realistic), and Time-Bounded. Grey suggests setting VAPID goals instead: Vague, Amorphous, Pie-in-the-Sky, Irrelevant, and Delayed.
“Make the target unclear and the path unclear,” he says. “If motivation strikes, aim ridiculously high to guarantee failure. ‘I will clean the whole house today’ is much better than ‘I will do the laundry in this pile.’ Cleaning a whole house is impossible. There’s always more to do, so you will always fail.”
Definitely focus on a goal that comes after your current goal.
“With VAPID goals, you will turn the productive part of your brain from a dangerous source of self-improvement that rewards every small step into a consistent nag that berates you for your failure to have already accomplished your goal every step of the way,” Grey says.
6. Pursue happiness directly
“Imagine happiness as a place where happy people are happy all the time,” Grey says. “This turns happiness into an unreachable feeling of constant bliss that no one has.”
Grey explains that happiness is like a bird that you can’t catch but will land on your ship if you’re not looking. So your best bet is to focus on improving your ship to get it to warmer waters, where the bird will most likely be.
“So be sure never to do that,” he advises. “Aim toward the mirage of happiness rather than improving the ship upon which you sail.”
7. Follow your instincts
“Navigation deeper into the sea of sadness is quite easy, for there is a dark magnetic field that points the compass of your impulses in the right direction once you get started,” Grey says. “You will want to stay indoors, you will want to not exercise. You will want to sleep in, you will want to do what you know will make you sadder after you’ve done it.”
Following your feelings and impulses instead of focusing on the long term is a surefire way to increase unhappiness.
Reaction
If you felt personally attacked by this video, you’re not alone. As one commenter wrote, “My dude literally explained my life without missing the tiniest detail.” That was the point, but not the whole point. It wasn’t meant to just be a mirror, but to help people realize that happiness isn’t just a to-do list. It’s also a don’t-do list that many of us are very much doing.
This satirical approach to self-help may not be everyone’s cup of tea, of course. But some commenters found it much more effective than traditional “how to be happy” content:
“This was the hardest hitting wake up call in my life. Thank you.”
“I watch this frequently. The reverse psychology works a lot better for me than some random guy saying ‘You can do it.’”
“I’m dealing with depression, and this video both made me laugh, and helped a lot. Sincerely, thank you.”
“This is a perfect what-not-to-do tutorial that actually helps so much more than all the other ones telling you how to achieve happiness.”
“Why this video is so helpful: Instead of being one of those sappy, cheesy, motivational videos, this one shows you exactly what you’re doing wrong and sends an ‘Unless you want to amplify it, do the opposite’ message.”
“This video is just brilliant. He absconded good morals with playful satire, and once you are lured into the video expecting a laugh or two; you realize the flaw of such actions, and how easy it can be to break the cycle of misery. This video was more motivational for me than any video that puts forth a clear label of life-changing tips. I started the video laughing, and finished realizing how essential and simple it can be to take short strides towards fulfillment. Thank you so much for this, CGP Grey.”
