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Modern Families

Exhausted mom posted a letter begging her husband for help. And then it went viral.

An open letter by Celeste Yvonne shows overwhelmed mothers how to ask for support.

viral, parenting, motherhood, communication, relationships, blogger
Photo via Celeste Yvonne, used with permission.

Celeste Yvonne wrote a letter to her husband asking for help.

Taking care of a newborn baby is mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting. For the first four months (at least!), new parents have to dedicate every part of themselves to caring for this young life.

There's little time for self-care during this chaotic period, let alone a moment to be fully present with a partner.

A blogger who goes by the name Celeste Yvonne was the mother of a toddler and a newborn and wrote a revealing open letter to her husband asking for more help with their children.

It went viral in 2018 because it paints a very real picture of what it feels like to be a mother who feels stuck doing everything. And the message still resonated deeply today.

It's also important because it gives specific ways for parents to support each other.

Dear Husband,

I. Need. More. Help.

Last night was hard for you. I asked you to watch the baby so I could go to bed early. The baby was crying. Wailing, really. I could hear him from upstairs and my stomach knotted from the sound, wondering if I should come down there and relieve you or just shut the door so I could get some desperately needed sleep. I chose the latter.

You came into the room 20 minutes later, with the baby still frantically crying. You placed the baby in the bassinet and gently pushed the bassinet just a few inches closer to my side of the bed, a clear gesture that you were done watching him.

I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to launch an epic fight that very moment. I had been watching the baby and the toddler all damn day. I was going to be waking up with the baby to feed him all damn night. The least you could do is hold him for a couple of hours in the evening to I can attempt to sleep.

Just a few hours of precious sleep. Is that too much to ask?

I know we both watched our parents fulfill the typical mother-father roles growing up. Both our mothers were the primary caretakers and our fathers were relatively hands off. They were excellent dads, but they weren't expected to spend a significant amount of time changing diapers, feeding, caring, and tending to the kids. Our mothers were the superwomen who maintained the family dynamics. Cooking, cleaning, and raising the children. Any help from dad was welcome, but unexpected.

I see us falling into these family dynamics more and more each day. My responsibility to feed the family, keep the house clean, and take care of the kids is assumed, even as I return to work. I blame myself for most of it too. I have set the precedent that I can do it. And in truth I want to. No offense, but I'm not sure I want to know what a week's worth of dinner would look like with you in charge.

I also see my friends and other moms doing it all, and doing it well. I know you see it, too. If they can manage it, and if our mothers did it so well for us, why can't I?

I don't know.

Maybe our friends are playing the part in public and secretly struggling. Maybe our moms suffered in silence for years and now, thirty years later, they simply don't remember how hard it really was. Or maybe, and this is something I berate myself over every single day, I'm just not as qualified for the job as everyone else. And as much as I cringe just thinking it, I'm going to say it: I need more help.

Part of me feels like a failure for even asking. I mean, you do help. You are an amazing father, and you do a great job with the kids. And besides, this should come easy to me, right? Motherly instincts, no?

But I'm human, and I'm running on five hours of sleep and tired as hell. I need you.

In the morning, I need you to get our toddler ready so I can care for the baby and make everyone's lunches and drink a cup of coffee. And no, getting the toddler ready does not mean plopping him in front of the TV. It means making sure he went potty, giving him some breakfast, seeing if he wants water, and packing his bag for school.

At night, I need an hour to decompress in bed knowing our toddler is asleep in his room and the baby is in your care. I know it's hard to listen to the baby cry. Believe me, I know. But if I can watch and pacify the baby for the majority of the day, you can do it for an hour or two at night. Please. I need you.

On weekends, I need more breaks. Times where I can get out of the house by myself and feel like an individual. Even if it's just a walk around the block or a trip to the grocery store. And some days when I've scheduled swim class and play dates, and it seems like I've got it all under control, I need you to offer to lend me a hand. Or suggest I go lay down during the kids' naptime. Or start putting away the dishes without me suggesting it. I need you.

Lastly, I need to hear you're grateful for all I do. I want to know that you notice the laundry is done and a nice dinner has been prepared. I want to know you appreciate that I breastfeed at all hours and pump when I'm at work when it would be easier for me to formula feed. I hope you notice that I never ask you to stay home from your networking events and sport activities. As the mom, it's assumed I'll be home all the time and always available to care for the kids while you're out and I feed that assumption by, well, being home all the time.

I know it's not how our parents did it, and I hate even asking. I wish I could do it all and make it look effortless. And I wish I didn't need kudos for doing things most people expect from a mom. But I'm waving a white flag and admitting I'm only human. I'm telling you how much I need you, and if I keep going at the pace I've been on, I will break. And that would hurt you, the kids, and our family.

Because, let's face it: you need me, too."

After the video went viral, Yvonne filmed another thanking everyone who read it and addressed the biggest question it raised: Did the letter work?

"Yes, absolutely. Communication works — most of the time," Yvonne said with a laugh. "I told [my husband] all the stuff I'm doing on the back end that he had no idea about. And then he told me all the concerns and the stress he's been having as a new father. Things that I had no idea about. It was so eye-opening, and I'm so grateful for it.”

Watch the YouTube video below:

This article originally appeared on 3.20.18

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Education

Salesman shares the 2 phrases that will make salespeople leave you alone when shopping

"I'm just looking," doesn't work.

via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

A salesman selling a car to a skeptical woman.

It can be intimidating to be approached by a salesperson when making a big purchase, such as a car or an appliance. They can swoop in like sharks, seeing blood in the water and some refuse to leave you alone, even if you say, “I’m just looking.”

TikTok's @RussFlipsWhips is a car salesman who went viral with a video explaining why “I’m just looking” doesn’t work on a car lot and providing more effective phrases you can use instead.

"There's two main reasons, and here's what you should say instead of 'I'm just looking,'" he said in a video with over 345,000 views. “One is, we hear it every single day. So when somebody tells me, ‘I’m just looking,’ I’m so used to hearing that, I almost like brush it off and ignore it because I’m like, ‘That’s what the customer’s supposed to say.’ “Secondly, every car salesman has had a customer say, ‘I’m just looking,’ and we ended up selling them a car."


Instead, Russell suggests you say: "Hey, I’d really like to look alone. Can I please have your business card?" or “I’m really not in the market for a car.”


@russflipswhips

Replying to @SoyPablo This is what I would say #carsales #carsalesman #cardealership #carbuyingtips

The post received funny responses from folks who may not qualify for a loan. “The ‘I have 2 repos and no money down' line works wonders,’” one TikToker joked. “I just tell them my credit score and they run,” another added.

In the end, Russell’s suggestions show that sometimes, the best way to get our point across is to be direct and honest. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to shop alone and if the salesperson can respect that request, they deserve the sale if you decide to buy something.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Women's Health

Guy shares important PSA for young women after losing sister to cervical cancer

Don’t stop until someone listens to you.

Photo credit: Canva

Guy shares PSA for woman after losing sister to cervical cancer

Cervical cancer is something that can go undetected if you're not in a position to get regular gynecological appointments. But with the new guidelines, allow for greater leeway between screenings for abnormal cervical cells. In America, the age to begin receiving pap smears, which is the test that can detect abnormal cells in the cervix, increased to age 21 and in the UK it's not given until 25.

Though, this test can detect the cells much earlier and before symptoms start, the distance between testing has been increased to every 3-5 years instead of yearly. The decrease was backed by scientific evidence showing there wasn't an increase in detection of abnormal cells by doing the test more frequently. Ethan, a man who lost his sister in 2022 to cervical cancer partly blames the delay in testing with her untimely death.

The grieving man took to TikTok to share a PSA on how important it is for women and people born with female anatomy to get their pap smears, sharing the cautionary tale of his deceased sister.

"Have you got a vagina and don't want to die? Cause if that's the case please watch this video," Ethan starts out saying. "So I'm going to tell the story of how my sister passed away and the one thing that I want anyone to take away from her death and she would want anyone to take away from hear death is to look after your health."

a woman sitting at a table with a model of a stomach Photo by Elen Sher on Unsplash

He explains that in 2021 his sister started having a lot of large blood clots "the size of a size 10 foot" that she kept going back to the doctor for but was consistently dismissed. Ethan shares that his sister began going to the hospital weekly due to the amount of pain she was in and she continued to be dismissed for months before she was referred to the gynecologist. According to the woman's brother, the process to look to see what was going on was so painful that the gynecologist refused to continue with the appointment.

"He said 'oh, I'm not doing this because you're in too much pain,' rather than actually investigating the reason why. Because she had a f***ing tumor inside her vagina that was the size of my fist. How the man missed that is beyond me. If he found that she'd probably f***ing still be alive cause she was neglected so bad throughout the whole route of this process."

baby i'm sorry GIF by truTV’s I’m SorryGiphy

Ethan reveals that she started having symptoms in October of 2021 but it wasn't until February of 2022 that she was diagnosed after months of trying to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, the cancer had already spread to her lungs, liver and stomach and died at the age of 31, March 2022.

"If you know something's wrong with you, only you know what's going on with your body so make sure you push harder. If you know that there's something wrong with you, you need to kick and scream and shout until you get what you f***ing want," he says as he shares what he hopes the main takeaway from his message will be.

Happy New Year Feminist GIF by All BetterGiphy

"Cervical cancer is so common so make sure you get your smears done because if you don't get your smears done and you've got those cells...if you've got the beginning of those cells you can just get it burned away. My mom's had it done a thousand times. My auntie's had it done. But if you leave leave them then that can lay undetected in your body for years until it's too late. Cervical cancer is a massive problem."

Ethan shares his frustration that the UK doesn't do pap smears until the age of 25 when it's the STI human papillomavirus (HPV) that causes many of the instances of cervical cancer. He's hoping that telling his sister's story will encourage people to not only get pap smears even if they have to pay for them out of pocket, but to advocate for themselves fiercely.


@eefybeefy1 Replying to @Emma Parkinson the best ones always die first ❤️ #grief #fyp #foryou #cancer #storytime ♬ original sound - Ethan

People in the comments are thankful he's speaking up while others are sharing their own stories of loss from delay in screenings along with not being believed.

"my daughter died aged 23 from cervical cancer. basically the same story as yours. neglected for 2 year, then by the time they diagnosed her she had i month to live," one mom shares.

"My friend passed away age 30 of cervical cancer, they need to lower the age of smears" another grieving person writes.

"As a GP nurse conducting smears everyday I’m SO proud of you for advocating for women, and your sister like this! It’s not a scary process to do, it’s over and done with in less than a minute and I absolutely don’t care if your legs are hairy," a nurse chimes in.

"Sadly women are often not believed when it comes to their pain. Keep educating people Ethan, your sis would be so proud of you," someone else shares.

Several women in the comments share that his video has caused them to schedule appointments for their pap smears after being overdue or afraid of going. So while his delivery may have included a few instances of adult language, his message seems to be heard clearly by those who are needing to hear it. Telling his sister's story may just save a few lives.

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Family

Mom explains the common Boomer parenting style that still affects many adults today

Many are relieved to finally have a term for this experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”


@parkrosepermaculture Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact ♬ original sound - Parkrose Permaculture


“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Family

Girl dad breaks down why protecting daughters by intimidating their boyfriends needs to end

He perfectly explains why it's more important for dads to create a sense of "safety."

@professorneil/TikTok

Fear does not mean respect.

It’s understandable that fathers want to protect their daughters. But many parents today are calling out the age-old patriarchal approach of instilling fear and intimidation to do so. Even girl dads themselves.

Recently, English Professor (and father of a teen girl) Neil Shyminsky, broke down exactly what is so problematic about this trope in a stitched TikTok.

In the original clip, a father talks about meeting his 13-year-old daughter’s first boyfriend.

“I knew this was coming, but I don’t know if I’m ready for it,” the dad says, adding that he did find the boy very respectful. Both of which Shyminsky could get behind…except maybe the “insistence” that the boy address him with his last name.

But things really take a turn when the man says, “as a girl dad, it’s definitely hard knowing that the little baby you once held in your arms all of a sudden has got a boyfriend that’s starting to take your place.”

“What now? I’m truly trying to figure out how he could ‘replace’ you…but all the answers I could come up with are deeply uncomfortable,” Shyminsky says. And we’ll just leave it at that.

The dad goes onto share the “good news” that his daughter told him her boyfriend (i.e. a child) said he was “absolutely terrified” of him because of his physical build. And then the whole thing devolves into a weird message touting the importance of lifting weights, so that you won't need guns to intimidate young boys, and instead do it with hard-earned muscle.

This is where Shyminsky drops a few truth bombs.


@professorneil When they say ‘protect’, they mean ‘terrify’. #toxicmasculinity #masculinity #girldad #parenting ♬ original sound - Professor Neil


“You want a 13-year-old to be terrified of you? ... He is 13. And so any adult man would probably seem huge,” he begins, adding that while he too is generally larger than the people around him, he prefers to measure success in terms of who feels safe in his presence, versus “how many small children I terrify.”

Shyminsky goes on to say that while he wants the dating world to be as safe as possible for his daughter, prioritizing physical intimidation is the wrong way to accomplish that.

For one thing, if this young boy only respects this man’s daughter out of fear of being hurt by her father, then he “is not anyone that we want getting anywhere near our daughters” in the first place, Shyminsky points out.

And on that note, Shyminsky asks “If he’s supposed to respect and listen to you because your muscles are larger than his, how is your daughter supposed to treat him when his are in all likelihood larger than hers?”

Said that bluntly, it’s easy to see how this strategy, however well intentioned, is a form of “toxic masculinity” that, as Shyminsky put it, causes suffering to those on “the wrong end” of it. Even those who are meant to be protected by it.

Down in the comments, folks were entirely on board with Shyminsky’s hot take.

‘Fear is not respect,” one person wrote.

Another quipped, “I feel like people get their parenting techniques from 90s sitcoms.”

Parents want to protect their kids from all the many dangers of the world. But at the same time, it’s so important for kids to see firsthand how the important adults in their life lead with something other than fear, if we hope for them to do the same. This is a great example of how a mindset shift can help with that.

Shyminsky actually has an entire TikTok treasure trove of videos dissecting our ever evolving views on manhood. Including a great one breaking down how masculinity as it "should be" has been in question since 400 BCE.


@professorneil Men are never as masculine as they once were - and never have been #men #manhood #masculinity #toxicmasculinity #fragilemasculinity #greenscreenvideo #greenscreen ♬ original sound - Professor Neil

Or this one delving into misandry vs misogyny:


@professorneil #stitch with @jaystakes It’s not misandry, it’s misogyny #misogyny #misandry #sexism #feminism #feminismisforeveryone ♬ original sound - Professor Neil

You can find these, and more, on his TikTok.

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Joy

Here are 29 food takes that are so controversial people think they'll be canceled for them

"People who don't like avocado should be thrown in jail."

via Carl Mikoy/Flickr, Albert Lynn /Flickr and Canva

Pizza with pineapple, a filet o' fish and candy corn.

If there’s one thing that just about everyone is passionate about, it’s food. Everyone has their own unique palate and if they don’t think something tastes good, it’s impossible to convince them otherwise. People also have strong preferences over where they like to eat. Are they a Taco Bell or Del Taco person? Denny’s or Waffle House? Starbucks or Dunkin’?

People also have a sense of mortality about what they eat. Some are omnivores, others are Vegans. Some feel it’s wrong to eat food unless it died or fell off the tree naturally, while others are willing to eat fish that are still alive.

That’s why a recent post by Araaa, also known as @Shawntifying on X, was so fun. She asked people to share their most “cancellable food take,” and people gave some extremely passionate opinions on food. The X thread was extremely popular, receiving over 42 million views.


Here are some of the most “cancellable” food opinions to get your blood pumping and mouth-watering.



Some people jumped into the thread to take shots at other people’s tastes and habits.


Do people like pineapple on pizza?

Many people showed up to defend their love for pineapple on pizza. That’s been a heated debate on social media over the past few years. So, what do most people think about pineapple on pizza? A recent YouGov poll found that most people are fans. A poll of over 1,000 people found that 22% love it and 37% like it. That means 59% or more than half of those polled like pineapple on pizza. On the other side of the debate, 18% dislike it and 19% hate pineapple on pizza.



Some people were passionate about the first meal of the day.



Strangely, many people shared their thoughts on candy corn. The polls show that people either love the Halloween treat or think it’s an abomination. Food flavor specialist Marie Wright tells Today that our opinion of the candy is closely tied to our experiences with it as children.

"The area of the brain where we process smell (which has a major impact on how we process taste) … is in the same part of the brain where we store memories and evoke emotion," said Wright. "In that primitive part of the brain, often there is a strong connection between an event, especially when it's food, especially childhood."



Sweet potatoes were also controversial, with people swearing by them or wanting them eradicated from the planet.



There were also some extremely hot takes about fast food restaurants.



Many people don’t like shellfish, which will save them thousands of dollars over a lifetime.



Not everyone finds coffee delicious.



The bone-in versus boneless-wing debate was also a big issue among the people in the thread.



And, of course, some people in the thread were just 100% wrong.


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