Amy Poehler and Sandra Bullock are two wickedly funny actresses and comedians who clearly love and respect one another. In a recent episode of Poehler’s Good Hang with Amy Poehler podcast, the duo charmed viewers while discussing a wide range of topics—Bullock’s latest movie, Practical Magic 2, German words, and yes, protein.
But it was one exchange involving compliments that caught the attention of viewers, who pointed out that there was an excellent lesson to be learned about the power of giving and receiving compliments.
In particular, Poehler and Bullock’s exchange highlighted the art of learning to accept compliments.
A lesson on compliments
In the clip, Bullock begins by complimenting Poehler.
“To be able to sit here and acknowledge where we are and where we’ve been, in that where I’m looking at you and I’m just going: ‘I’m so glad you are…that you just are.’ And I’m so glad that you have this world that you’ve created. So we get to come in and experience you in a way that we wouldn’t be able to. You are one of those that those of us who love comedy do the bend [bow down].”
Poehler responds, “Oh, come on!”
Bullock replies, “But you have to know that. To a lot of people. To a great many of us.”
Poehler tells her, “Thank you for that. Thank you very much for saying that.”
Bullock continues, “Because it is unmatched.”
Poehler adds, “The feeling is mutual.”
Bullock pokes a little fun at her, saying, “But just shut up and take the compliment for a second. Shut your face!”
Poehler says, “No, I’m handing it right back to you, babe. One of us is giving the present, and one of us is receiving. And I’m giving, and you’re receiving. And you are not giving me a present at the end of this conversation.”
Bullock loudly sips her coffee, and Poehler tells her, “Thank you a lot for saying that. It means a lot to me.”
A mental health counselor responds
Amy Mosset, a mental health counselor and founder of Interactive Counselling in Canada, breaks down the clip.
“Bullock gives a compliment that’s specific rather than generic, and she doesn’t rush it or soften it with a joke,” Mosset told Upworthy. “Poehler is visibly uncomfortable—and stays put anyway. She doesn’t correct the record, doesn’t hand it straight back, doesn’t change the subject. She lets it land, and then offers something real of her own.”
Mosset adds that it’s the reciprocation between them that solidified this as a great compliment exchange.
“That last move is the one people miss. Reciprocating isn’t the same as deflecting,” she added. “Deflecting gets rid of the compliment. Reciprocating keeps it and adds to it.”
How to accept compliments
Mosset notes that feeling awkward accepting compliments is totally normal, and explains why.
“A compliment opens a gap between how someone else sees you and how you see yourself,” she said. “If your self-image is unflattering, that gap is what stings, not the praise. Accepting it would mean revising the self-image, and that’s a far bigger job than saying ‘oh, stop it’.”
To become better at accepting compliments, she suggests that you say “thank you,” then stop talking.
“That’s the entire first exercise, and it’s harder than it sounds. Nearly all deflection happens in the sentence after ‘thank you’, so the discipline is to end there and tolerate two seconds of discomfort,” said Mosset.
The next step is to learn to hear your own reflex before you obey it.
“Most people have one stock move: the discount (‘this old thing’), the redirect (‘you’re the one who did all the work’), or the joke,” she added. “You can’t interrupt a habit you can’t hear coming.”
Finally, she recommends that you give something specific back, but only if you mean it.
“‘Thank you, that means a lot coming from you’ is reciprocity. ‘No, YOU’RE the amazing one’ is a hot potato,” she said.
