Ever meet one of those people who just seems to know how to connect with others? Maybe you walked away from the conversation with them feeling completely seen and heard, even though the whole exchange felt effortless. If so, you might have had a conversation with a super communicator.
Charles Duhigg, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist for The New Yorker and a best-selling author, shared tips on how to be a “super communicator” in a recent online Reel. “One of the things we know about habitual super communicators,” he explains, “is that they ask ten to twenty times as many questions as the average person.”
Say more
But the nature of those questions is what counts. He continues, “And many of the questions are things like, ‘What did you make of that?’ Or ‘That’s interesting, what did you say next?’ It’s like these questions are so casual, we hardly even register them as questions. But they’re inviting us in. They’re inviting us to say more.”
Duhigg continues, “They also tend to ask what are known as ‘deep questions.’ And a deep question is something that asks someone to talk a little about their values, their beliefs, or their experiences. Because in doing so, they first of all tell you who they are. But second of all, they oftentimes say something a little bit vulnerable.”
Going deep
Duhigg notes that asking “deep questions” doesn’t always imply intimacy. “When we hear the phrase ‘deep questions,’ we might think, ‘Oh, that’s so intimate.’ But a deep question can be as simple as saying to someone, ‘Oh, Rich, I know that you’re a lawyer. Did you always want to practice law? What was the moment when you decided to go to law school? What did you love most about law?’ Those three questions, they’re super easy to ask.”
Robin Quinn Keehn, a certified mediator and communication specialist, tells Upworthy that having “real” conversations requires asking questions. “If you’re simply looking to fill the silence, asking superficial questions will do that. However, if you want to actually know and be known by another, asking one genuine question is the way to begin.”
Keehn gives examples. “When you ask a genuine question, allow the other person enough time to give a real answer. Resist the urge to offer them multiple-choice or to use body language to hurry them along. Silence is a powerful ally here. The best communication happens when each person has the opportunity to ask from curiosity and answer honestly, not carefully. Of course, acknowledgment of the sincerity of the conversation makes it feel like time well spent and encourages more conversation to take place.”
Actively listen
Rutgers University Professor of Communication and interpersonal communication scholar, Maria Venetis, had a slightly different point of view on the theory of questions. She shares with Upworthy, “It’s not that you ask several questions—you don’t want the person to feel like they are on the witness stand. Rather, you ask open-ended questions that signal you are giving the other person the floor and space to talk. YOU LISTEN. You don’t consider what you’re going to say while they are talking. Doing so creates a barrier in your ability to focus.”
“You ask follow-up questions about what they say. Something like, ‘Tell me more about that.’ Asking ‘deep’ questions sounds like perhaps ‘intimate’ questions—that isn’t necessarily a good choice if your relationship or the setting doesn’t support this.”
Amber Johnson, PhD, another communications expert with over two decades of professional experience and a TED Talk on the matter (that aptly cites Charles Duhigg), shares her “REVAMP” formula with Upworthy. “There’s a lot we can’t control in our relationships and our work: we can’t control other people’s feelings, what the market is doing, or how someone will respond. What we can control are the questions we ask,” she says.
‘REVAMP’ method
Johnson continues, “Asking great questions leads not just to better conversation, but to better relationships. By asking unpredictable questions (questions without a scripted answer) and asking questions that seek understanding rather than just facts, we can better know the people who matter most to us.”
Johnson finishes by breaking down the “REVAMP” formula. “I encourage people to REVAMP their questions by asking about:
R – Relationships
E – Emotions
V – Values or Vulnerabilities
A – Attitudes or Assumptions
M – Meaning or Motives
P – Priorities
Additionally, research shows people with stronger relationships experience better physical and mental health because strong relationships help our bodies create stronger stress responses. But you don’t improve your relationships by asking ‘How are you?’ and accepting ‘Fine’ as an answer. You have to ask better questions to have better conversations, better relationships, and ultimately better health.”
