Do you get a feeling of dread when you have to ask someone for a favor, no matter how small? A lot of people simply won’t ask others for help unless they’re in a dire situation because they don’t want to put someone out or fear they will say no. Some of us think that asking for help makes us look incompetent.
On the other hand, some people make outlandish requests of others and have zero fear of rejection or of appearing selfish. If you are looking for a healthy way to approach looking for help, Dr. Heidi Grant, a social psychologist at Columbia University and author of Succeed and Focus, says the key is to see things from the perspective of the person we are asking for help.
How to overcome the fear of asking for help
Grant says we often get tripped up because we think about the effort the person will have to put into giving us a ride or letting us borrow their folding chairs. Instead, we should be thinking about the benefits the person gets for being of service.
“But when you actually understand that there are tremendous benefits for people to be helpful, that it’s actually one of the richest sources of well-being for human beings. It’s just how we’re wired. That we feel good about ourselves and our lives feel better and happier when we are helpful to others,” Grant told Harvard Business Review. “When I ask someone for help, and I genuinely need it, I’ve done my best, and I genuinely need this help, I’m actually offering them an opportunity to feel really good about themselves.”
To put it simply: Focus on the fact that you’re giving the other person an opportunity to feel good about themselves.
So, if you want to text your neighbor to borrow some sugar, don’t fret about taking some of their sugar and inconveniencing them. Think of it as a gift you’re giving them; they get to feel good about helping others and have a greater sense of connection with their community.
How not to ask for help
In the interview, Grant also shared her thoughts on the two ways people often go wrong when they are asking others for help. “One common mistake that you see is that when people ask you for help, they kind of make the situation very uncomfortable by doing things like over-apologizing,” Grant says. The second mistake, Grand says, is that they make it overtly transactional by saying that if they help you, you’ll give them something in return.
“That may seem like a good idea because you think, ‘Oh, I’m offering this person a reward, why wouldn’t that make it better for them to help me?’ But what you’ve actually done is sort of taken out their ability to feel good about it personally,” Grant says.
The big takeaway from Grant’s advice is to be able to truly see things from other people’s perspectives, which is probably pretty close to yours. You probably enjoy the good feelings you get when you’re able to help people; you can also take joy in giving someone else a sense of well-being, too. Plus, as a bonus, you get a free cup of sugar.
