As more research comes in about how our minds are wired, patterns emerge, and diagnoses like ADHD help people make sense of how they process information. Many of these patterns only present themselves later in life, but learning about them helps us understand why we are the way we are. It also helps us find ways to course-correct, whether we’re adults or parenting a child.
In a viral clip making the rounds on social media, former The Daily Show host Trevor Noah interviews psychologist Dr. Kristin Carothers for his podcast What Now? with Trevor Noah. Noah is fascinated, as many of us are, by the idea that the ADHD brain functions differently. He says directly, “For the most part, for ADHD brains, arguments are fun.”
Coercive cycle of interaction
Carothers affirms this can be true, labeling it a “coercive cycle of interaction.” Noah repeats the phrase back to her, and she smiles, adding, “You are reinforced by your coercive behaviors, and this is what we teach in behavioral parent management training.”
She goes on to note, “In behavioral parent management training, the first step is to teach parents about the coercive cycle of interaction and how their kids are reinforced to continue arguing because they eventually get what they want. And parents are reinforced to be more punitive because they eventually get what they want.”
‘Positive opposite behavior’
Carothers explains how this behavior pattern, learned as a child, can carry into adulthood:
“So when you’ve done that as a child with your parent, and then you get into a relationship, you’re like ‘I can prove that I’m right. I can get you to see that the way I’m thinking is the way you should be thinking.’ Just continue to engage in this spiral until you win. And the other person is pissed, and they give up.”
Noah shares that a person with ADHD can often be tenacious. Carothers agrees, stating, “The ADHD person can keep going a lifetime. And you’ll be like, ‘Can you just stop?’” She says that when they won’t, “Instead of telling them to stop, you give them the positive opposite behavior. So instead of ‘Can you stop talking?’ it’s ‘Can we take a quiet moment?’”
Dopamine is key
In the full podcast posted on YouTube, Carothers also explains that the brain is reinforced by dopamine: “What is happening with ADHD is your brain functions differently. And so the dopamine or the reward centers of the brain need a lot of input for reinforcement.”
Noah jokingly asks about “office brains” and how their dopamine works, to which Carothers explains that they get dopamine hits by completing tasks and sticking to a routine.
According to the Attention Deficit Disorder Association:
“Recent research shows that ADHD is linked to how dopamine is regulated and used in the brain, rather than a simple deficiency. A change in dopamine regulation affects how the brain processes motivation and reward. As a result, immediate rewards may feel more compelling than delayed or long-term rewards.
Research also suggests differences in brain structure and activity. For example, the frontal lobe—responsible for planning, decision-making, and impulse control—may develop more slowly in people with ADHD compared to those without ADHD.”
Some others on TikTok are even more direct.
ADHD_Momma777 captioned her TikTok video, “Number one ADHD parenting tip: Stop being your child’s source of dopamine.” She shares, “When they argue with you and you respond, you become their negative source of dopamine. … We have to teach them how to find positive sources of dopamine. But every time you get into the ring, every time you argue with them, every time you fight back with your child, you are simply becoming their source of dopamine.”
Feeling understood
These chemical and structural differences in the brain can cause some people to feel frustrated by being misunderstood, which can lead to argumentative behavior. The TikTok clip has gone viral, with nearly 800,000 likes and almost 6,000 comments. One commenter explains, “I don’t need to be right. I need to be understood. As long as they demonstrate they grasp what I’m trying to say, then we can end the conversation right there, even if they vehemently disagree with me.” Many appear to share similar thoughts.
Clinical psychologist Augusto Blanco has years of experience working with people with ADHD symptoms. He tells Upworthy, “Kids with ADHD often get labeled as argumentative, but really what happens is that they are struggling with impulse control and frustration tolerance. A big part of ADHD is avoiding tasks that make you feel a certain negative way (insecure, uncertain, frustrated), after all.”
Blanco adds, “If arguing has previously helped them avoid a task, gain more time, or feel heard, the behavior gets reinforced. It’s less about manipulation and more about learning, ‘This works for me’—that’s what the mind learns when they’re a kid. So, understandably, it becomes their de facto tool for dealing with these situations.”
Good news
Optimistically, Blanco shares two pieces of good news:
“First one is that usually means the person has become adept at standing up for themselves and speaking their mind instead of keeping quiet. This is a great skill to have in the right settings and for the right reasons.
Second, is that the adjustment necessary to avoid continuing this is pretty simple. The person has to learn to tolerate distress (usually by limited and consistent exposure to the emotion, while also applying one of the many regulation techniques available out there) and suddenly the mind no longer feels the desperate need to avoid those tasks, making so that the tools that it used to engage before to avoid them (the constant arguing) aren’t activated in this case anymore.”
Cognitive flexibility
Aveen Hallissey, an associate therapist at Gateway to Solutions in New York City, discusses cognitive flexibility with Upworthy:
“Kids with ADHD often have a harder time with cognitive flexibility, the ability to shift gears when a plan changes or a parent says no. So, when a request feels hard or unfair, arguing becomes the main tool for trying to change the outcome. And if it works often enough, it’ll stick. If a parent eventually gives in, even halfway, the brain logs that as a win. That’s just basic reinforcement: whatever gets a result is what keeps happening, whether or not the kid means for it to.
Carried into adulthood, this can become a default mode in which disagreement is the first response, even when it doesn’t actually help, such as at work or with a partner.”
As for how to address it, Hallissey says, “The fix isn’t to shut down the arguing. It’s giving that same drive something better to do. Instead of letting it turn into back-and-forth, teach the move of making a case: state what you want and why once, then stop. The persistence is actually a strength here. It just needs a better outlet than winning the argument.”
