There are several reasons why people are hesitant to engage in small talk at a party or around the water cooler at work. Some people simply avoid it because they don’t find chatting about the weather, sports, or what they saw on television the night before very interesting.
Others are afraid that they may run out of things to say or that there will be an awkward pause that makes them want to hide their head in the sand, like an ostrich. Mary, a friendship educator with a degree in interpersonal communication, has a solution for those of us who want to be friendly and meet people but abhor small talk; she calls it the COST method.
What is the COST method for making small talk?
According to Mary, who goes by @better.social.skills on TikTok, COST stands for Compliment, Observation, Story, and Tip. These are four options you can turn to when you’re in need of a conversation topic.
1. Compliment
“Tell somebody you like their shirt or shoes, for example, and see where the conversation leads,” Mary says.
“Oh, I like your shoes.”
“I like your shirt.”
“You have such a soothing voice.”
2. Observation
“Remark on something happening around you,” Mary says.
“This song is amazing.”
“I really love how Jeanie decorated this room.”
“There’s a lot more people here than last night.”
3. Story
“Share a little anecdote about yourself. For example, maybe you were late to the party for some reason, or you’re excited to get home and watch a show you’re loving,” she said.
4. Tip
“Give a small recommendation to someone. For example, where the shortest bathroom lines are, which food is particularly delicious, or point out an interesting person they might want to talk to,” Mary said.
“I don’t know if you’ve tried the new Mexican place on South Street yet…”
“I’d have one of Jeanie’s margaritas now, before they are all gone.”
“Be careful if you talk to Brian. He can get a bit long-winded.”
The science of likability backs this up
The great thing, if you’re a little shy about making small talk, is that studies show that you definitely don’t need to do all the heavy lifting in the conversation. In fact, a Gong.iostudy found that the best way to make a connection with someone is to speak 43% of the time and let your new friend talk for the other 57% of the conversation.
Further proof that the best way to make a great first impression is a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. It found that when meeting someone for the first time, ask them a question and then be sure to ask two additional follow-ups before discussing yourself. This has been found to dramatically increase your likability.
“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the authors of the study write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”
Small talk is a skill anyone can learn
For those of you who have always felt that you’re bad at making small talk, while others seemed to do it naturally, realize that people aren’t born great communicators; it’s a skill that can be learned just like anything else. With a few tips from the experts, you can go from dreading small talk to enjoying striking up a conversation with just about anyone.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
