Woman makes boyfriend sign ‘Performance Improvement Plan’ after he forgot her birthday

Sometimes we just need that extra push.

Apr 6, 2026

Photo credit: Canva – A man and woman sadly celebrate a birthday

It happens to the best of us. Sometimes we mark down important dates in our calendars only to completely space out and oops, the day has come and gone. That’s, seemingly, exactly what happened to Redditor Sure_Count_3890, a 31-year-old male who accidentally forgot his girlfriend’s birthday.

On a Reddit post entitled “Forgot my GF’s birthday and she wanted me to sign this,” he shares what looks like a performance improvement plan, not unlike one someone might get at a job review.

He further explains, “Obviously, I signed it but I feel weird about it. She (28F) hasn’t done something like this before and was kind of laughing, but when I asked if she was serious, she said she expected me to take it seriously. Note that we did have a make-up bday night already, I said sorry a lot, and I took her out for a movie and really nice dinner. She told me to post it bc she ‘knows people will back her up.’” And wow, did they ever!

Reddit, Performance Improvement Plan, relationships, birthdays — Performance Improvement Plan for boyfriend, Photo Credit: Sure_Count_3890

The contract

At the top of the “contract,” it reads, “Performance Improvement Plan,” with the department listed as “Romance and Affection.” Michael (last name redacted) has the position of “boyfriend,” with Katherine as his “manager.”

The contract is pretty cut and dry. She includes a “target area,” wherein she describes the issue. “A failure to deploy date-keeping, foresight, and thoughtfulness leading to forgetting to plan, provide gifts for, and summarily plan my birthday.”

birthday, cake, celebration — Birthday cake, Photo Credit: Canva

She then helpfully lays out the “employee standard.” “The employee is expected to plan events, gifts, and curate a minimum of a 1-day-long experience to facilitate celebration of their partner’s annual trip around the sun.”

The good news is she has a plan. In her idea for “Improvement Actions,” she suggests that Michael keep a record. “Employee will agree to keep redundant, numerous, and multifaceted planning tools; no reminders will be forthcoming.”

And finally, she offers a “Training and Support plan,” should Michael need assistance. “Employee has been provided with a calendar and sticky notes.”

Reddit weighs in

The Reddit comments did not disappoint. At over 34,000 upvotes, nearly 7,000 people weighed in with their thoughts. One seemed to believe that the performance review itself was in good fun, but the importance behind it was dead serious. “Sounds like she was joking about the document but said she was serious about remembering your girlfriend’s damn birthday. Remember your damn girlfriend’s birthday.”

And though quite a few were slightly tough on the lad, they noted that his girlfriend’s ability to be clear with her feelings, but in a fun, lighthearted way, was a wonderful reflection on her character. “Forgetting your partner’s birthday is a huge f#$-up at a fundamental level of a relationship. Making sure that never happens again is not a joke. The pretend ‘PIP’ and her laughing while giving it is her effort to find a way to tell him it matters, but break up the tension a bit. That’s part of the ‘joke’.”

@stellascholaja
365 days til the next try 🎉 #birthday #dating #situationship #texting #blocking #ghosting #redflag #redflags ♬ original sound – stella

Another Redditor simply raved about her. “Honestly, I think the whole situation is absolutely fantastic on her part. She’s giving an incredibly hurtful situation some levity to show him that she’s upset, but not furious at him, and is willing to give him a chance to make it up to her by being more thoughtful in the future. All while being hilarious.”

A learning experience

As for the OP, this comment advises them to learn from the unfortunate situation: “OP, YTA, but only because you missed her birthday in the first place. Take the L here and actually remember her birthday next time. In fact, most of what’s in this PIP is actually good advice for planning an important long-term date.”

And this commenter could totally relate to the situation: “In these days of constant phones-in-our-hands and electronic calendars, it’s not that hard to set up recurring reminders in your phone.

After my first Christmas with my boyfriend passed and he didn’t buy me anything (he’s not a gift giver, but neither am I, so no major judgment), I put a reminder in his phone for two weeks before Christmas to remember to buy his girlfriend something for Christmas. 10 years later, the ‘buy your girlfriend something for Christmas’ reminder still pops up every year, and we both have a good laugh about it because I’m his wife now. He remembers, though.”

Add to Google News

More for You

In Partnership With Habitat For Humanity →

Homeowners celebrate the completion of their new home in Cambodia's Siem Reap Province alongside Habitat for Humanity volunteers and staff.

Culture, Family

A safe, stable home can change lives for the better. Here’s how Habitat for Humanity wants to make that possible for everyone.

Better health, better jobs, and a brighter future all start with access to a safe, affordable home.

Sarah Watts

3/25/2026
A single door can open up a world of endless possibilities. For homeowners, the front door of their house is a gateway to financial stability, job security, and better health. Yet for many, that door remains closed. Due to the rising costs of housing, 1 in 3 people around the world wake up without the security of safe, affordable housing.

Since 1976, Habitat for Humanity has made it their mission to unlock and open the door to opportunity for families everywhere, and their efforts have paid off in a big way. Through their work over the past 50 years, more than 65 million people have gained access to new or improved housing, and the movement continues to gain momentum. Since 2011 alone, Habitat for Humanity has expanded access to affordable housing by a hundredfold.

A world where everyone has access to a decent home is becoming a reality, but there’s still much to do. As they celebrate 50 years of building, Habitat for Humanity is inviting people of all backgrounds and talents to be part of what comes next through Let’s Open the Door, a global campaign that builds on this momentum and encourages people everywhere to help expand access to safe, affordable housing for those who need it most. Here’s how the foundation to a better world starts with housing, and how everyone can pitch in to make it happen.

Volunteers raise a wall for the framework of a new home during the first day of building at Habitat for Humanity’s 2025 Carter Work Project.

Globally, almost 3 billion people, including 1 in 6 U.S. families, struggle with high costs and other challenges related to housing. A crisis in itself, this also creates larger problems that affect families and communities in unexpected ways. People who lack affordable, stable housing are also more likely to experience financial hardship in other areas of their lives, since a larger share of their income often goes toward rent, utilities, and frequent moves. They are also more likely to experience health problems due to chronic stress or environmental factors, such as mold. Housing insecurity also goes hand-in-hand with unstable employment, since people may need to move further from their jobs or switch jobs altogether to offset the cost of housing.

Affordable homeownership creates a stable foundation for families to thrive, reducing stress and increasing the likelihood for good health and stable employment. Habitat for Humanity builds and repairs homes with individual families, but it also strengthens entire communities as well. The MicroBuild® Initiative, for example, strengthens communities by increasing access to loans for low-income families seeking to build or repair their homes. Habitat ReStore locations provide affordable appliances and building materials to local communities, in addition to creating job and volunteer opportunities that support neighborhood growth.

Marsha and her son pose for a photo while building their future home with Southern Crescent Habitat for Humanity in Georgia.

Everyone can play a part in the fight for housing equity and the pursuit of a better world. Over the past 50 years, Habitat for Humanity has become a leader in global housing thanks to an engaged network of volunteers—but you don’t need to be skilled with a hammer to make a meaningful impact. Building an equitable future means calling on a wide range of people and talents.

Here’s how you can get involved in the global housing movement:
- Speaking up on social media about the growing housing crisis
- Volunteering on a Habitat for Humanity build in your local community
- Travel and build with Habitat in the U.S. or in one of 60+ countries where we work around the globe
- Join the Let’s Open the Door movement and, when you donate, you can create your own personalized door
- Shop or donate at your local Habitat ReStore
Every action, big and small, drives a global movement toward a better future. A safe home unlocks opportunity for families and communities alike, but it’s volunteers and other supporters, working together with a shared vision, who can open the door for everyone.

Visit habitat.org/open-door to learn more and get involved today.
Keep Reading →
Photo credit: Canva – Couple arguing

Relationships, Skills

People who got out of toxic relationships share the red flag they wish they’d taken seriously from the start

“If it feels weird, IT IS WEIRD.” People who got out of bad relationships share the one thing they noticed early and wish they hadn’t explained away.

Adam Albright-Hanna

4/19/2026

There’s a particular kind of clarity that comes after leaving a bad relationship. Things that seemed explainable at the time suddenly line up into an obvious pattern. The warning was always there. It just didn’t look like a warning yet.

Across social media thousands of people have shared the specific ‘red flag‘ moments they noticed early on but later regretting ignoring.

The “jokes” that weren’t jokes

“Constantly ‘joking’ about other people being better looking or smarter,” wrote one person on Reddit. “At first, I brushed it off as humor, but over time it became clear that those ‘jokes’ were actually digs at my self-esteem. Should’ve realized earlier that a relationship where someone makes you feel less than isn’t healthy.” The camouflage of humor is one of the most common delivery mechanisms for contempt, it gives the person plausible deniability while the cumulative damage adds up.

The tip thief

“When we first started dating, we went to a restaurant, and he spotted the server’s tip on the table and pocketed the money with a smug look on his face,” one person shared with BuzzFeed. “He proceeded to do it to two of her tables.” She stayed. He turned out to be “broke, lazy, and entitled.” How someone treats a stranger, especially one who can’t push back, tends to be a more reliable window into their character than how they treat you when they’re trying to impress you.

The convenient indifference

“Being indifferent to everything,” wrote another Reddit user. “They do not want to give an opinion on anything or be a part of decision-making, no matter how major it is.” It can feel easygoing at first, low-maintenance, drama-free. What it often turns out to be is a way of remaining unaccountable. You can’t be blamed for outcomes you never weighed in on.

When the weirdness gets explained away

“His ex-wife showed up at one of our first dates and made a big scene,” shared one person on BuzzFeed. “He kept assuring me she was just having a hard time moving on.” She interrupted more dates, pranked the writer at work, and broke into their car. “He dumped me to go back to her. As people say, if it feels weird, IT IS WEIRD.”

The target of unspecified anger

From Bored Panda: “She was always angry with me about something. Some way that she felt mistreated, unseen, etc. It was so consistent that I realized it had nothing to do with me. She just needed someone to be the target of her anger, and I wasn’t interested in being that someone.” Chronic, diffuse anger that lands on you regardless of what you do isn’t about you, but staying in it is a choice that gets harder to reverse the longer you make it.

The gaslighting that didn’t look like gaslighting yet

“She would say that I was yelling when I wasn’t,” shared one person. “She would say I had said hurtful things and that I ‘don’t even realize what I was saying.’ I ended up seeing a psychiatrist at her suggestion and was put on medication for seven years.” The insidious thing about gaslighting is that it works precisely because the person experiencing it assumes the confusion is their fault. If you find yourself constantly questioning your own memory of conversations, that’s worth examining.

The love-bombing

Psychology Today notes that a 2021 Reddit survey on early warning signs of abusive relationships repeatedly surfaced one pattern: intensity that arrives too soon. “You’re the only one who understands me. I never met anyone like you before.” A whirlwind of attention and validation (like constant messages and declarations of connection after a few weeks) can feel like finally being truly seen. It can also be a way of establishing emotional debt before the dynamic shifts.

What people notice after

The most common thread across thousands of these accounts isn’t that the red flags were invisible. It’s that they were visible and felt in real time, but were talked out of taking them seriously by the other person and by the relationship’s good moments, or by the internal voice that says you’re being too sensitive, too suspicious, too demanding.

“If it feels weird, it is weird” is not a perfect heuristic. But checking in with that feeling, rather than immediately explaining it away, appears to be one of the more consistent pieces of advice from people who wish they’d done it sooner.

Keep Reading →
Photo credit: Wikipedia – Leo and Sophia Tolstoy were married 48 years.

Relationships, Skills

Philosopher Leo Tolstoy was married nearly 50 years. His marriage advice still stands today.

Tolstoy and his wife, Sophia, had 13 children.

Emily Shiffer

4/8/2026

Russian writer and philosopher Leo Tolstoy created many literary masterpieces during his lifetime, including Anna Karenina and War and Peace. Works of love and tragedy, Tolstoy’s real life mirrored the full spectrum of the human experience—including in his marriage.

Tolstoy married his wife Sophia Bers (also ‘Sofia’ and ‘Sofya’, as well as ‘Sonya‘, which is the common Russian diminutive for Sofya), in 1862. He was 34, she was 18. Her father was a successful doctor in Moscow. Their marriage was famously tumultuous, but lasted 48 years.

Tolstoy shared his insights into marriage, summing up his wisdom in a single sentence that holds true in modern day life:

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.”

Despite their differences, Tolstoy and his wife put his advice into practice.

Leo Tolstoy’s marriage

Tolstoy’s marriage to Sophia began like many: happy. Leah Bendavid-Val, author of Song Without Words: The Photographs and Diaries of Countess Sophia Tolstoy, told NPR that, “They were madly in love when they got married in 1862, and they shared everything, including their diaries. They used their diaries to talk to each other.”

The couple had 13 children together, with eight making it into adulthood. Sofia was an asset to Tolstoy’s writing.

“She copied his manuscripts and he listened to her opinions, which was very gratifying to her,” Bendavid-Val said.

However, their relationship evolved into one described as “love-hate.” Bendavid-Val explained that their relationship was “very emotional, very passionate, and their love was full and passionate and deep and rich—and so was their hatred. And unfortunately, the hatred seems to have won out in the end.”

@thebritishhistorygirl
Tolstoy is my favorite author, and his marriage to Sophia complicates his literary career. Sophia always deserved more credit than she got. Her family inspired his characters; her intelligence inspired her husband; and she was often the first pair of eyes to judge some of modern history’s greatest works. #history #femalerage #leotolstoy #russianhistory #historytok #booktok #literarytok #warandpeace #annakarenina #fyp
♬ labour – Paris Paloma

Who was Sophia Tolstoy?

According to The New York Times, Sophia served as “secretary, copy editor and financial manager” for her husband. In 1869, she copied the manuscript for War and Peace by hand eight times for him.

A devoted wife, she struggled to meet Tolstoy’s demands and principles. She honestly journaled about her feelings, and many have been translated.

“All the things that he preaches for the happiness of humanity only complicate life to the point where it becomes harder and harder for me to live,” she wrote in a diary in 1865, per The Guardian. “His vegetarian diet means the complication of preparing two dinners, which means twice the expense and twice the work. His sermons on love and goodness have made him indifferent to his family, and mean the intrusion of all kinds of riff-raff into our family life. And his (purely verbal) renunciation of worldly goods has made him endlessly critical and disapproving of others.”

Toward the end of his life, an argument over Leo’s will resulted in him leaving their family home called Yasnaya Polyana. Although their relationship had its challenges, the couple did remain married until her husband’s death shortly after he left their home in 1910.

“They needed each other. Neither of them could have lived as full and rich a life without the other,” Bendavid-Val said.

Keep Reading →
Photo credit: Canva – What if hosting didn’t have to be such a production?

Relationships, Skills

6 party ideas that actually make it easier to invite people over

Yes, you need a sandwich party in your life.

Kat Hong

4/6/2026
Here’s something nobody warns you about adulthood: staying connected to your friends requires actual effort. Everyone’s busy. Everyone’s tired. And between work, family obligations, and that never-ending to-do list that lives in your notes app, the idea of hosting a get-together can start to feel less like something you want to do and more like something you’d need to recover from.

But what if hosting didn’t have to be such a production?

The less you have to do alone, the more fun everyone has together. Canva

These six party ideas are built around a beautifully simple premise: community. The less you have to do alone, the more fun everyone has together. So, no five-course meals. No obsessive cleaning. Just good people, a loose theme, and, if all goes well, the kind of easy laughter that reminds you why you love these people in the first place.

The Sandwich Party

The genius of this party lies in its simplicity. You supply the bread, your wonderful guests bring everything else. Deli meats, cheeses, roasted vegetables, the pesto from Costco that you’re convinced wipes the floor with every other brand, and whatever else they feel like contributing. Maybe you throw in some plates and napkins, too. Then everyone gathers around the table and builds their perfect sandwich. It’s like Subway… but this time, you’re the sandwich artist. Everyone is.

This genius idea comes from Michaela (@luckylamb420 on Twitter/X), who posted:

sandwich party was a success and probably one of the greatest ideas i’ve ever had. 10/10 would recommend throwing your own https://t.co/QQkLtBABa3 pic.twitter.com/pZJGHY1XDf
— michaela (@luckylamb420) March 28, 2026

Because who wouldn’t want to get involved in a sandwich party? It’s interactive, requires approximately zero cooking skills, and for some reason, making a delicious little sandwich with good company is just wholesome and sweet.

Pro tip: Experiment with new flavor combinations. Interesting condiments work great here, like truffle mustard, spicy fig jam, or a good pesto (I hear Costco carries a great one…). Suddenly, your sandwich party has a proper spread. Tada!

The Swap Party

The one thing that unites us all? We have things sitting in random drawers or cabinets that we’ve never used. Never touched, really. A candle, still in the box. A skirt from a brand you no longer adore. A kitchen gadget (unused) that was purchased with the best of intentions. A swap party gives it all a second life.

Photo credit: Canva – We have things sitting in random drawers or cabinets that we’ve never used.

Here’s how it works: Everyone brings a handful of high-quality unused (or, in the case of clothes, gently used) items, and you trade them for something new to you. Think of it like free shopping with your favorite humans and no evil parking structures involved.

Pro tip: Curate the perfect shopping experience with a nice playlist bumping in the background (may I suggest one hour of Iranian jazz?), a delightful beverage option (perhaps aperol spritzes or chilled limeade?), and plenty of bags for your partygoers’ “purchases.” Also, whatever doesn’t get claimed at the end of the party? Box it up for a local charity that could put it to use.

The Productivity Party

This one sounds like it shouldn’t work, but it does. Imagine all the tasks you’ve been putting off: clearing out your inbox, paying a bill, and finally scheduling that routine dentist appointment. A productivity, or “forcing,” party gathers friends together with their laptops and their most dreaded to-do bullet points. As it turns out, working alongside other people makes the boring stuff more manageable. There’s even a name for it: body doubling. Psychologists say just being in the presence of others helps people focus and follow through.

View this post on Instagram

Pro tip: Ask guests to bring something achievable—not their tax returns from three years ago (no judgment)—and realistic, something they can actually finish in an evening.

The PowerPoint Party

If you haven’t been to a PowerPoint party yet, here’s your invitation to host one. Each guest prepares a short, completely self-chosen slideshow on a topic they care deeply about or find deeply hilarious. Here are some ideas to get your creative juices flowing:
- “Why [INSERT FAMOUS SINGER HERE] is overrated
- Similar-looking celebrities
- Things you’ve learned from watching TikTok videos
- What I would do if there were no consequences for 24 hours
- How everyone’s exes would fare in a zombie apocalypse
@victreeon
Our 2nd annual Power appoint Presentation Party and what we learned ✨ Not shown is Alex’s presentation on Money Trees and the propagations she gave everyone And Melanie’s presentation on the Real Fun Kamp!! #fyp #powerpoint #powerpointnight @Heather @Kelsey Leigh @Ash @NotEarlHickey @Tráshmañ @idesignawesome
♬ check – bbno$

The result? You’ll get someone earnestly arguing that a specific cartoon character is underrated, and someone else presenting a very detailed case for why their coffee order is objectively correct. It’s funny, it’s revealing, and it brings out sides of people you don’t always see.

Pro tip: The weirder the topic, the better the night. Encourage guests to go specific and strange.

The Candy Salad Party

Every so often, you need a party with exactly zero agenda other than joy…and maybe a sugar rush. That’s where the candy salad party comes into play. Ask each guest to bring a bag of candy. Dump it all into one big bowl. Eat it. That’s it. The mix of sweet, sour, fruity, and chocolatey is weirdly satisfying, and there’s something about the whole thing that just loosens people up immediately. And it’s a fun excuse to hang out.

@oldjewishmen
Forgot the stool softener #fyp #nyc #salad
♬ original sound – OJM

Pro tip: Speaking of chocolate…fruity and sour candies tend to play better in the mix than chocolate. Think gummies, Sour Patch, mini Starburst. Chopped up SweeTarts Ropes… Though honestly, there are no rules.

The Potato Party

Some ideas are great precisely because they’re a little ridiculous. The potato party is spudtastic; a full commitment to a theme. Guests each bring a potato dish—fries, twice-baked, mashed, latkes, whatever speaks to them—and if anyone wants to show up in a potato-inspired costume, go ahead! You encourage it. Throw in a round of potato trivia if the mood strikes. It’s the kind of night you’ll reference for years: “Remember the potato party?”

Photo credit: Reddit – Thanks for the potato idea, Reddit!

Pro tip: Learn from a famous Bad Bunny song and lean all the way in on the décor. Take pictures. Lots of them.

Connection, that’s what we’re after

At the end of the day, these party ideas share something in common: they shift the weight of hosting from one person onto everyone, which means you actually get to enjoy your own party. Your friends leave having contributed something, made something, swapped something, or, at the very least, eaten a truly chaotic bowl of candy together.

That’s connection, baby. And it turns out you don’t need a perfect house or a spotless kitchen to make it happen. You just need to send the text.
Keep Reading →
Photo credit: Canva – A confused woman sits by a window

Relationships, Skills

Feel like someone’s gaslighting you? A 3-minute test can help you tell if they are.

Gaslighting is designed to confuse, and the signs aren’t always super clear.

Annie Reneau

Upworthy Staff

4/1/2026

The term “gaslighting” has become a popular, everyday term, but there’s still some confusion about what it means. Part of the reason is that the word has been misused so many times that the definition has become fuzzier. But another reason is that gaslighting itself is confusing for the person on the receiving end. Even if you know what gaslighting is, it’s not always clear when or if it’s happening to you.

To provide a brief explanation, gaslighting is a manipulation technique in which someone purposefully and maliciously makes someone question their reality. Abusers and narcissists will often use gaslighting to wear down their victims’ sense of self as a means of establishing and maintaining control over them.

In a relationship, gaslighting can look like denying that something happened and telling the person they’re crazy for how they’re remembering it. It can look like flat-out lying about something the victim knows for sure to be true. It can look like invalidating someone’s feelings and telling them they’re overreacting. It can look like being cruel and then claiming it was just a joke or making the victim believe they’re at fault for something the perpetrator did.

Woman looking tired and confused. Photo credit: Canva

Sometimes, however, people use gaslighting to describe basic disagreements or arguing from different perspectives, like simply saying, “That’s not what happened,” or “That’s not how I remember it.” Actual gaslighting is intentional in its impact on the victim. People can have different memories of how something happened and disagree vehemently, but if a person isn’t purposely trying to alter someone’s sense of reality, it’s not gaslighting.

Similarly, telling someone to calm down and not take things personally may not be a sensitive way to respond to a person who’s upset, but it doesn’t automatically equate to gaslighting, either. Gaslighting requires a malicious intent to manipulate and control.

As Dr. Robin Stern, author of the book The Gaslight Effect (2007) describes gaslighting on Psychology Today:

“Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship. A gaslighter preserves his or her sense of self and power over the gaslightee, who adopts the gaslighter’s version of reality over their own.”

Gaslighting also isn’t confined to a one-time event, but is more a pattern of behavior. The gaslighter’s repeated distortions and denials wear the victim down over time, making them doubt themselves and question their reality. That’s part of what makes it hard to spot from the inside, since someone being gaslit is likely to question whether it’s really happening.

View this post on Instagram

If you detect an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, it’s important to seek professional help from therapist, especially if you suspect gaslighting may be at play. But having a tool to clarify what you’re experiencing and help determine what kind of help is needed can be useful.

Psychology Today offers a 20-question online self-test to help you assess whether gaslighting might be a problem in your relationship. The test takes about three minutes and includes statements like “This person makes me feel like I’m unstable,” “This person tells me that other people are not trustworthy,” and “I choose my words carefully when I’m with this person.” After responding to each statement with one of five answers ranging from Always to Never, the test tells you how likely it is that gaslighting is an issue in that relationship based on your answers. Possible outcomes include no signs, few signs, some signs, strong signs or very strong signs of gaslighting.

Therapy session. Photo credit: Canva

The test results page also provides more detail about what gaslighting is, things to watch out for so you can spot it, and tips for what to do if you are being gaslit in you relationship.

“The healthiest course of action, in most cases, is to end the relationship or significantly reduce contact,” the site states. “Leaving a gaslighting relationship is challenging but possible. Confrontation is rarely effective; instead, trust your instincts, gather evidence, reduce or cut off contact, and seek help from friends, family, or a therapist.”

Find the Psychology Today gaslighting self-test here. (And if you need a therapist to help you with your relationship struggles, you can search by location, insurance, and specialty on the website’s “Find a Therapist” database of providers here.)

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

Keep Reading →
Photo credit: Canva – Two people share a warm embrace.

Relationships, Skills

Knowing the difference between ‘being loved’ and ‘feeling loved’ is the secret to happiness

Psychologists explain why this simple mindset shift is life-changing.

Emily Shiffer

3/28/2026

“Love makes the world go ’round”—and it’s key to feeling more connected to others. Love and happiness also go hand in hand.

Harry Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, and Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, teamed up to explain their research on the connection between happiness and love in their new book, How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.

According to the authors, the key to happiness isn’t just love itself—it’s about “feeling loved.”

“I do know people who are happy, and I know people who are unhappy, and I can tell you the main difference between them: Happy people feel loved,” Reis said in a recent interview.

However, they explain that many people don’t know the difference between “being loved” and “feeling loved.”

“Being loved” vs. “feeling loved”

The difference between the two is key to true happiness.

“Many of us are actually loved by other people, and yet we don’t feel it,” said Reis. “Many people believe that in order to feel love, they need to make themselves more lovable.”

Reis and Lyubomirsky explain that people often try to attain love through performance, such as being impressive, attractive, or successful. But “feeling loved” comes down to vulnerability.

“To feel that the people in your life truly get you, value you, and love you is what makes life worth living,” they wrote in the book. “This is what makes people happy.”

To feel loved, you have to be known.

“Truly being seen and heard is what creates that deep sense of security about feeling loved,” Lyubomirsky said in an interview. “It doesn’t mean you need to overshare or unload your burdens on someone in the first 10 minutes of meeting them; it’s about progressively revealing what really matters to you.”

How to “feel” loved

The “relationship sea-saw” is a tool that Reis and Lyubomirsky created to represent how connection works, and why it’s key to feeling loved. The relationship sea-saw mirrors a seesaw on a children’s playground, but on water. As each side dips into the water, it becomes “hidden”—an allusion to feeling hidden in relationships.

“When we lift up the other person, it’s as if we lift them above the waterline,” Reis explained. “All of a sudden, parts that were previously hidden are now visible.”

The “relationship sea-saw.” Courtesy: University of Rochester

Two things lift a person in a relationship out of the water: paying attention and showing care. Reis and Lyubomirsky believe that showing more love in these ways can create a cycle of reciprocation.

“Most of who we are is hidden beneath the surface, and we usually only show that highlight reel,” Lyubomirsky said. “When I show warmth, curiosity, and acceptance toward you, I help lift you up out of the water. As I listen carefully, you’re able to share more of your full self. Then, the idea is that you will reciprocate, showing interest in my inner life and helping to lift me out of the water in return.”

Keep Reading →
Photo credit: Canva – A woman drives her car on the freeway

Relationships, Skills

His last name was spelled backwards on his Facebook Dating profile. Her mom figured out why from the parking lot just in time.

“I sat in the parking lot for two minutes, turned around, and went right back home.”

Adam Albright-Hanna

3/19/2026

She had a rule about meeting men from the internet: full CIA mode before any date. Look up the name, run it through public records, confirm the person is who they say they are. She’d done it enough times that it was second nature.

This time, she was running late.

In a TikTok that has been circulating widely, @maddybingbong walked through what happened when she skipped her usual process and nearly paid for it. She’d matched with a guy on Facebook Dating, they’d exchanged a few messages, and when he asked if she was free that evening she said sure. She got ready, got in the car, and started the 30-minute drive to meet him for dinner.

Woman driving while texting. Photo credit: Canva

Her mom, feeling uneasy, started digging while her daughter was on the road.

There had been one small thing that hadn’t quite registered. When she’d asked the man for his full name, the screenshot from his Facebook profile showed his last name spelled backward. She ran a quick search, found only minor traffic violations, and kept driving. What she hadn’t done was search his actual name.

Her mom did. Using MyCase.gov, Indiana’s public court records database, she looked him up with the correct spelling and found several charges: battery, strangulation, and multiple counts of breach of privacy.

The call came just as the daughter was pulling into the parking lot. “Do not go inside,” her mom told her.

She didn’t. Instead, she called the man directly. She told him her mom had looked him up and found some things. He confirmed the charges were real but tried to minimize them, telling her it wasn’t as serious as it sounded and that she had nothing to worry about. She told him she didn’t know him personally and couldn’t take that on faith. “I’m going home,” she said. “I can’t make that risk.”

@maddybingbong
This is from a year ago but I thought I should repost it. You never know who you’re meeting up with if they’re lying.
♬ original sound – maddybingbong

As the Daily Dot reported, she later said in a DM: “All I can say is that it definitely was an eye-opening experience to never let my guard down.”

Back home, she blocked him on every platform. In the video she pushed back on anyone tempted to frame what she did as standing someone up. She was clear: you don’t owe a stranger your time, your presence, or an explanation. The plans were made, the information changed, and she made a different call.

The comments filled up with people sharing their own versions of the story and swapping safety tips. Several pointed to public court records databases as an underused resource, and a few others noted that a name spelled backward on a dating profile is itself worth a second look.

For more dating videos, follow @maddybingbong on TikTok.

This article originally appeared earlier this year.

Keep Reading →
Photo credit: Canva – Making friends as an adult can be hard.

Relationships, Skills

Struggling to make friends as an adult? You may have fallen into the ‘liking gap.’

Making friends isn’t always easy for kids, but it’s pretty straightforward. Kid friendships usually start with something like, “Hey, cool bike.” Or “Hey, want to run across the field with me?” Or “Hey, let’s pretend [fill in imaginary scenario].” If the other kid responds positively, boom, you’re friends. If only it were that simple for…

Annie Reneau

3/16/2026

Making friends isn’t always easy for kids, but it’s pretty straightforward. Kid friendships usually start with something like, “Hey, cool bike.” Or “Hey, want to run across the field with me?” Or “Hey, let’s pretend [fill in imaginary scenario].” If the other kid responds positively, boom, you’re friends.

If only it were that simple for grown-ups. Making friends in adulthood can be tough, and for some it might feel impossible. There are several reasons for that, but let’s start with one that may be easier to change than you might think.

The “liking gap”

One reason it can be hard to make friends as an adult is that we fear feeling rejected. Are other adults even looking for new friends? Will they like us enough to want to become our friend?

That fear may itself be the problem, or at least part of it. Researchers who studied people talking to strangers in various settings found that “following interactions, people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company.” In other words, people tend to be more likable than they think. The study’s authors called this illusion the “liking gap.”

If you chat with someone and come away thinking they didn’t enjoy it, you may have fallen into the liking gap. “Our studies suggest that after people have conversations, they are liked more than they know,” the researchers wrote.

Help fix the Liking gap by telling everyone important to you how much you love them pic.twitter.com/CNbONeYSlP
— Ava (@fleabagfreak) October 17, 2025

What’s the solution? Another phenomenon known as the “acceptance prophecy,” which is based on research showing that when we believe others are going to like us, we tend to be more open and warm in our behavior toward them—thereby making them like us. The reverse is also true. When we think people won’t like us, we’re more closed off. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy: when we think we’re likable, we behave in more likable ways, leading others to like us.

Essentially, we close the liking gap by seeing ourselves as likable. That may be harder than it sounds in practice, but it’s a pretty simple fix. (If you can convince your brain to cooperate, of course.)

But what about the harder problems to solve?

The time and energy problem

One of the biggest obstacles to making friends as an adult is simply time. Between work, family, keeping a home in order, taking care of our health, and everything else, grown-up life is busy. And yet, many adults yearn for more friend connections in the free time they do have.

Then there’s the energy question. “After a long workday, the idea of a night out with friends may not sound as appealing as it once did,” wrote psychologist Loren Soeiro. “This energy shortage can also make it difficult for friends to sustain their bonds: When both people feel depleted, neither is likely to take the initiative.”

How do we make or maintain friendships when we’re so often short on time and energy?

Adult friendships are more complex

What formed the basis of friendships in our childhood may not be sufficient to sustain a friendship in adulthood. Shared interests, or simply enjoying someone’s company, are often how friendships begin. But is that enough to overcome the time and energy constraints that make friendship harder?

As Emma Barr, LPA, pointed out, they may not be: “What becomes more important are character traits like dependability, supportiveness, or loyalty. Those are things that aren’t immediately self-evident. That can make it hard to tell if this is a person you really want to be friends with.”

We have fewer shared experiences baked into daily life

When we’re young, much of our day is structured around group experiences like school and after-school activities. In adulthood, our work might be a group experience, but it might not be. Many people work from home, which makes forming friendships at work difficult. Some people belong to churches or religious groups and might be able to form friendships there. Beyond that, much of adult life is individually oriented. We simply don’t have as many structured social experiences as we did when we were young.

The 3 conditions that facilitate the formation of close friendships:
1) proximity
2) repeated unplanned interactions
3) a setting that allows for letting ones guard down

Forming deep friendships as an adult can be tricky because these aren’t built as naturally into daily life
— Dr. Emily Anhalt (@dremilyanhalt) April 26, 2019

How to be better at grown-up friendship

Friendships can be complicated, but there are some ways to make and maintain them better:

Be the one to reach out

“Don’t wait for others to suggest socializing opportunities,” Soeiro wrote. “You may wish your old friends would reach out to you, but the odds are your friends harbor the same wishes, the same needs. Break the logjam by initiating plans yourself.”

Be honest about wanting to keep friendships up

As adults, sometimes the best bet is to refresh the friendships you already have, especially if they’ve begun to fade.

“Because your friends probably also think their peers have more friends than they do, it makes sense to talk about the problem,” Soeiro wrote. “Letting them know you want your friendships to stay strong, or that you sometimes feel distant, can help normalize these feelings. (Remember, when you can share your vulnerability and feel accepted in return, relationships grow stronger.)”

Adult friendships require grace. People are very busy. People are healing. People are growing. People are taking time for self care just like you.

Less communication isn’t less love. Check in don’t check out.
— ‏ً (@omgsidewalks) February 10, 2026

Adjust your expectations

Therapist Kati Morton shared that as she’s gotten older, she’s felt like every friendship needs to be a deep, sisterly relationship.

“That’s just not possible,” she said. “And so I have to almost recalibrate my own brain to be like, no, it’s okay to have different friends for different reasons. We can have a friend that is helpful at work. We can have a friend who is great for holding us accountable to go to our yoga class or go walking. We can have a friend as part of our book group.”

Don’t let social media fool you

It’s easy to see people posting pictures of friend hangouts and assume that everyone else is better at friendship than we are.

Soeiro described findings from researcher Kristine Lehman, saying she “noted that on apps like Instagram, other people appear to have more friendships, and more satisfying ones, than we do. This perception can heighten a sense of FOMO, magnifying our feelings of shame and isolation.”

Give it time

As kids, forming a friendship may have been as simple as asking, “Want to be friends?” As adults, the process isn’t so cut and dried.

“Allow the process to take time,” Barr wrote. “A friend is someone you trust, but trust takes time to build. You may find that there isn’t a moment where you went from not being friends to being friends; people tend to grow on us slowly.”

Grown-up friendships may be trickier, but they are no less valuable than those we made as kids.

Keep Reading →
Photo credit: Canva – A couple on a date.

Relationships, Skills

Woman sparks surprising debate after singing the praises of dating divorced men

Dating is hard, no matter who you are. Some people struggle to find any dates at all. Others come by them easily but can’t seem to make a genuine connection. By and large, many Americans report being frustrated by a dating-app culture that promised to make things easier but, in most cases, has not. If…

Evan Porter

3/15/2026

Dating is hard, no matter who you are. Some people struggle to find any dates at all. Others come by them easily but can’t seem to make a genuine connection. By and large, many Americans report being frustrated by a dating-app culture that promised to make things easier but, in most cases, has not. If you’re someone who’s fresh off a divorce, you’re playing on hard mode. It can all feel a little hopeless.

But it shouldn’t. One social media user is going viral for taking a stand: She said dating divorced men has led to some of the best dating experiences of her life. And she’s not the only one.

Artist and musician Kady Brown caused a stir on Threads recently when she shared her controversial opinion:

“Dating a divorced man has been one of the most agreeable dating experiences of my life. It makes sense but I don’t think I expected that. It’s like he has relational basics like consideration, accountability, and resolution skills down in a way I haven’t always seen in single (never married) men without asking or explaining. It’s kind of lit … and very attractive”

A man kisses a woman on the head. Photo credit: Canva

Hundreds of people chimed in to agree.

“Yes. I love my men pre-yelled at,” one joked.

“Second wife perks. His first wife molded him. The second reaps the benefits,” another added.

“Certified preowned…but seriously he already been thru the trenches…learned some lessons…understands dynamics…and overstands communication and consideration,” a commenter noticed.

“I agree. He’s taught me that I’m not as good with communication as I thought I was. It’s been refreshing,” another wrote.

@iamalilizzi
Honestly, almost didn’t date him cause of how soon he had just gotten divorced, but I helped him heal and now we are spending the rest of our lives together 🥹 #relationshipgoals #relationshipproblems #recentlydivorced #newlymarried
♬ Disturbia GTTG remix – GTTG

Divorce is not generally considered a good thing. But there can be a bright side.

Few people are happy about the failure of a marriage they had hoped would last a lifetime. Interestingly, many people do not report feeling happier after ending a conflict-fueled marriage. But in certain situations, it can be the right move for all parties involved.

Like any breakup, a divorce can be a tremendous opportunity to learn from your mistakes and grow as a person. According to Psychology Today, people who have been honest about their role in the split, taken the opportunity to discover what they want out of a partner and out of life, and allowed enough time to heal can become terrific partners to someone new down the road.

But as many commenters on Brown’s post pointed out, not everyone will take that path.

“[Maybe] he just got good at masking the parts on himself that likely ran the last woman away,” one commenter wrote.

“I fell in love with a divorced man. Later, I realized he was just parroting what his ex wife and ex girlfriend had they wanted and he was lacking,” someone added.

“Ok but anecdotally, some divorced men are just teenagers who will never realize they’re the reason all their relationships are burnt bridges, smoldering stacks of self-centered arrogance,” wrote another commenter.

The “good ones” are out there

Laura Bonarrigo, a divorce and life coach, said the same is true for anyone who finds themselves dating a woman who’s been through a divorce.

The “good ones,” she wrote, are out there in spades, and dating one can be a massively refreshing experience after the unpredictability, flakiness, and ghosting of modern dating.

“There’s accountability in the way she reflects on her history, and rather than reenacting old wounds, she’s choosing to build something healthier moving forward,” she added. “Instead of clinging, chasing, or disappearing only to resurface with flimsy explanations, she moves through dating in a steady and predictable way. Reliability matters to her. She’s looking for a connection that feels mutual, grounded, and emotionally safe, not a dynamic filled with mixed signals or chaos.”

Whether this outcome requires growing up, therapy, a period of focusing on self-improvement, or just some time, it’s safe to say that divorced people bring more than just “baggage” to the dating scene. There’s a heavy stigma against divorced folks, who are often viewed as failures or damaged, but it’s steadily getting better—partly thanks to voices like Brown’s, who are willing to challenge that outdated notion head-on.

Keep Reading →