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Leading psychologist shares the trick to learning new skills when it feels so frustrating

What are the frustrating barriers holding you back?

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A girl is frustrated learning piano and Dr. Becky Kennedy.

Everyone has a particular skill they’d like to learn, but many of us fall short of our goals due to frustration. After a few hours of playing guitar, your fingers hurt. It’s upsetting to shank the golf ball every time you try your pitching wedge. You want to finish a novel, but the writer’s block gets in the way.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, mom of three, and author of Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Being the Parent You Want to Be, says that instead of seeing frustration as a hindrance, it’s time to recognize it for what it is: a sign that you’re acquiring a new skill. “The more we understand that the frustration and struggle is actually a sign we’re [learning], not a sign we’re doing something wrong, it becomes a lot easier to tolerate,” Kennedy told CNBC's Make It.

How to fight back against frustration when learning something new

Kennedy’s advice is eye-opening because we often label temporary feelings of frustration as signs of failure when, in reality, it’s a sign that we are building a new skill. There is no way to learn anything new that doesn’t feel frustrating or require resilience.

@aarondinin

Hope you enjoy learning from @Dr. Becky | Psychologist as much as my class did! #learningtofail #dukestudents #resilience

In a video posted to TikTok, Kennedy notes that there are two stages of learning something new—“Learning” and “Not Learning”—and that the only thing in between those two stages, the "Learning Space," is nothing but frustration. “Being resilient doesn't feel resilient at all. It feels so messy,” she tells the students in the video. “No matter what, you're learning something on a job, something from puzzles, learning to read, you don't know how to do it, you want to know how to do it. And what I think is really empowering to know is the Learning Space has one feeling associated with it: Frustration. That's literally how learning feels.”

What is the Learning Space?

The key is to reframe the feeling of frustration from one of failure to progress. Once you see frustration in a new way, you’ll be more likely to power through it.

A great way to visualize frustration is to imagine that the uncomfortable feeling you have in your head is neurons in your brain realigning to help you get through the task and wire the new skill into your brain. It’s a brief moment of being under construction, and soon, a new you will emerge with a talent you never had before.

In another video, Kennedy explains how many of us were taught to avoid frustration as children, which means a lot of us stop short of reaching our full potential. But those of us who can stay in that Learning Space will be able to go to it again and again, drastically improving our potential.

@drbeckyatgoodinside

You may have seen the video of me guest lecturing at my alma mater, Duke University, in a class called Learning to Fail, which is part of the resilience curriculum. I spoke about the concept of the Learning Space, and the video has now been shared 246,000 times. 🤯 I’m absolutely blown away by your reaction to this video. The Learning Space is something I feel deeply passionate about, and it’s a concept I’m always trying to instill in my own kids. At Good Inside, we focus on building capability, not fragility. We don’t prioritize short-term gratification; our goal is to build skills today that will help our kids thrive as adults in the future. So to everyone who’s sharing this idea, drawing your own versions of “The Learning Space,” and instilling this concept in your kids, thank you. Together, we’re raising a generation of strong, resilient children.

“When I think about my kids and learning to fail, or really, in my language, learning to struggle, I want them to become experts,” Kennedy said. “Not experts at knowing, experts at staying in the learning space. My goal with my kids is like, I want you to get comfortable in that space. Because the knowing and the success happens whenever it happens, but it always happens in more areas of life and more quickly for the people who can stay in the frustration.”

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One woman worked multiple jobs and downsized her lifestyle to live out her biggest dream.

You've seen stories about people taking off and traveling the world. Here's how one woman saved up and did it.

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In high school, Brooke Schoenman took a trip to Italy with her Latin class. She returned home determined to see more of the world.

“I remember being fascinated with how people like me were living in other parts of the world, speaking different languages,” she wrote in an email.

And that fascination would stay with her, leading her to take the biggest adventure of her life.

At 23, while working full-time as a help desk agent, Brooke made up her mind — she would give herself two years to save enough money to travel the world.

She wasn’t just working toward saving for a vacation or two. No, she wanted to spend a minimum of one full year living abroad, fully immersed in other cultures.

Image via iStock.

So she made a plan: She would cut down on unnecessary expenses. She’d sign up for overtime at work. She’d go out less. She’d take part-time jobs. She’d downsize her lifestyle in every way possible — all with the goal of saving up $30,000 in two years to fund her adventure.

It wouldn’t be easy saving that much money, but Brooke was determined. And she was fortunate enough to be able to devote as much of her time, money, and energy as she could muster to her ambitious plan.

"There was a time that I would work at my day job from 7:30 am to 4 pm," she wrote on Making Sense of Cents, "and then head off to do some evening waitressing ... from 5 to 10 pm."

It's the kind of schedule many people who need to bring in extra cash to cover their financial goals and needs are familiar with.  

Image via iStock.

And it was worth it for her.

“I think having a bigger-than-life goal in mind helped,” Brooke explains. “I was saving for a life-changing experience — something so far from what was normal to me and anyone I knew at the time. It was exciting!”

Along the way, she celebrated even the smallest victories.

“If I took a change jar to the bank and it was twice as much as I thought it would be, I would make a point to celebrate," Brooke writes, "and sometimes I would allow a little splurge.”

The occasional treat was just as important as celebrating the small wins.

Image via iStock.

"I tried to cut out everything in the beginning, but soon learned that the mental toll of less fun and less freedom to eat out or go to the movies was too much,” Brooke writes. “You have to budget in some fun money, even when you're going for a big huge goal.”

By doing this, she didn’t get overwhelmed by the magnitude of her goal. She remained motivated. (Knowing that you're not starving yourself of all life's pleasures is important for any savings goal. It means you can actually stick to your plan instead of burning out too early.)

A year and a half in, Brooke had saved $23,000. She decided that was enough.

Brooke describes herself as “someone who hates to wait." So, she explains, “When I started to get close to my fall-back goal of $25,000 (about $23,000 after plane tickets and gear), I decided that starting my life of travel half a year earlier was an acceptable option."

Image via iStock.

So, she bought her plane tickets and set off to travel the world.

Traveling was more fulfilling than Brooke could have imagined.

From archeological digs in Menorca, Spain, to watching the jungle wake up at sunrise in Tikal, Guatemala, she pushed herself far beyond her comfort zone and experienced things that many only dream of. She even decided to make Sydney, Australia, her new home.

She's continued to lean on the tips and tricks she learned during that year and a half to fund other (shorter) adventures, like a three-and-a-half-month trip to Turkey, China, Mongolia, Russia, and Kyrgyzstan.

Image via iStock.

Today, Brooke's budgeting isn't nearly as extreme as it was for her initial goal, but she remains money conscious.  

And she's helping others save too by sharing advice and travel stories on her website: HerPackingList.com. Though her site's geared toward travelers, her tips are relevant for anyone saving toward a goal. (This calculator is also a big help in figuring out how to reach your savings goals.)

Brooke truly believes that saving up for a big goal is achievable. Though, she adds, saving doesn't come in a one-size-fits-all package.

“Everyone will have different circumstances surrounding their saving process. Maybe the cost of living where they are is higher or maybe they can't forego hanging with friends at bars and restaurants,” Brooke writes. “Once you can pinpoint the real reason the saving isn't working, you can test out alternative strategies and budgets until one works.”

Image via iStock.

Saving is hard. There's no doubt about it.

And $23,000 is a lot of money. For someone doing their best to just get by, such a large amount in such a short time frame may not always be possible.

But Brooke made the sacrifices she needed to save for the future she envisioned. And her experience shows that with perseverance, goals that seem like dreams can be attainable — it just takes patience, planning, and time.

So while your savings goal may not be a trip around the world, securing your financial future is just as exciting. Because while we never know what the future holds, preparing financially helps open some doors. Help make your dreams a reality by setting your financial goals today.

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