via Canva/Photos
A woman talking to people she just met.
It’s essential to make a great first impression with someone, whether it's a job interview, buying someone a drink at a bar, or serving someone a meal at a restaurant. The problem is that people form a concrete judgment of someone in just seven seconds, which can be incredibly hard to shake.
“Human beings are built to size each other up quickly,” Psychology Today says. "These first impressions are influenced by a number of factors, such as facial shape, vocal inflection, attractiveness, and general emotional state. People tend to get attached to their initial impressions of others and find it very difficult to change their opinion, even when presented with lots of evidence to the contrary.”
While it can feel impossible to combat such a snap judgment, Sally Hogshead says that when we interact with people for the first time, we should only have one question on our minds: “How can I add value to this person?” Hogshead is a New York Times bestselling author, National Speakers Association Hall of Fame speaker, chief executive officer of How to Fascinate (Fascinate, Inc.), and a former advertising executive.
A man handing a woman his business card at an event.via Canva/Photos
Ask yourself: How can I add value to this person?
It makes sense. When someone meets you for the first time, they don’t know anything about you. The other person is asking themselves the big WIIFM: What’s in it for me? It feels a little negative to suggest that everyone is out for themselves, but we only have so much time and effort to give to others. What can you bring to the table?
“You want your listener to come away from the conversation feeling good about their investment of time and energy,” Hogshead writes for Inc. “The key here is to add value to every interaction, so that you’re not just occupying conversational space.” Hogshead adds that we don’t have a lot of time to gain the other person's attention, so it’s best to start strong. “Here’s the problem with that approach: Today, the average attention span is about nine seconds. Every time you introduce yourself, you have about nine seconds to engage your listener. When it comes to first impressions, a weak start leads to a poor impression.”
A man and woman sharing a drink at a bar.via Canva/Photos
If you’re not adding value, you’re taking up space
Value will vary depending on the situation and your desired social outcome. When approaching someone for a drink, you can add value by boosting their self-esteem with a compliment. “I think you have really lovely eyes,” or “Is that an old-fashioned you’re drinking? You’ve got great taste, they make good ones here.”
At a networking event, you can introduce yourself and discuss a recent development in the industry. “Hey, I’m Lisa. Have you heard about how Acme Paper Company is using AI to learn the best trees to cut?” Or, “Hey, it’s Malcom, is your company having trouble figuring out which trees to cut? I’ve found a cool new way to save you time and labor costs.”
You can also add value to any person by allowing them to share their thoughts and experiences. When you show genuine interest in someone and let them talk about themselves, they will almost always find you likable. Research has found that asking the first question in a conversation, followed by two follow-ups, dramatically increases your likability.
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It can be disheartening to realize that people often make snap judgments about others that are difficult to overcome, but it’s great to know that, by focusing on how you can benefit another person, you can pull down that wall and give yourself a second chance to make a first impression. Everyone has something valuable to bring to the table, whether you’re inexperienced and can make your superiors feel great by asking them questions or by being able to share your experiences with others to make their lives better. Just know that everyone is open to meeting those who can make their lives better, and you can often be that person.
Sandra visiting E’s family in Georgia (2023)
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Levi Strauss Foundation
Sandra McAnany isn’t one to sit on the sidelines. A 58-year-old grandmother from Wisconsin, McAnany spends her days teaching soft skills classes to adults and spending time with her family. Outside the classroom, however, she’s taken on a role that’s helping people in a big way: serving as a humanitarian parole sponsor and personally taking on the financial responsibility of supporting families fleeing from persecution, violence, and instability.
Since 2023, McAnany has welcomed 17 migrants—11 adults and six children through the CHNV humanitarian parole program, which allows individuals and families from Cuba, Haiti, Nicaragua and Venezuela to live and work temporarily in the United States with the support of an approved sponsor.
“Everyone has their own views and perspectives, but every person I sponsored is thriving and doing well here,” McAnany said.
McAnany didn’t know any of the parolees before sponsoring them, but she had a commitment to helping families from Venezuela specifically, hoping to reunite them with their families who were already living in the United States. After “praying a lot along the way” and communicating with the applicants through WhatsApp, she decided to apply as a sponsor and help them settle into the United States.
“I have a bedroom and a bathroom in my basement,” McAnany says. “My door is open and will always be open for any of the people I sponsored, if they ever have a need for housing.”
Sandra’s granddaughter, E’s daughter, and another friend at an indoor park (July 2025)
At the time, McAnany decided to volunteer as a sponsor to make friends and help other people through hardship. Now, her mission has grown: Seeing how humanitarian parole programs have changed her parole beneficiaries’ lives—as well as her own—for the better.
Humanitarian parole: A long history
Humanitarian parole programs are nothing new. Since 1952, both Democratic and Republican administrations have used humanitarian parole to provide a safer, lawful pathway for noncitizens to enter and live temporarily in the United States. In recent years, through different programs, people from Afghanistan, Ukraine, Cuba, Haiti, and other countries have been able to come to the U.S. to escape urgent crises in their own countries, such as political instability or war.
Coming to the United States through humanitarian parole is no easy feat. The process has its own strict criteria and involves extensive applications and vetting for both beneficiaries and their sponsors. Parolees don’t need to qualify for any other immigration benefit like asylum, but they need to meet the standard for humanitarian parole and successfully pass vetting requirements.
According to Refugees International, 532,000 people have been granted parole through the CHNV program.
A life-changing experience
From the moment she met her first parole beneficiaries at the airport—two families —McAnany already knew it would be a life-changing experience. “It immediately felt like family, like we were lifelong friends,” she said. But she could also sense that it was a culture shock for the parolees. On the way home from the airport, McAnany pulled into a nearby McDonald's and encouraged them to order dinner. Hearing the word “Big Mac,” the families smiled in recognition.
Despite the culture shock, McAnany’s parole beneficiaries had to adapt quickly to life in the United States. Once they were settled, McAnany worked “nonstop” to help the families acclimate to their new lives, answering questions about school and vaccinations while also helping them create resumes, search for jobs, and find English classes online.
It was through this process that McAnany realized just how resilient people could be, and was amazed “not only how hard it was for individuals to leave their loved ones behind, but the amount of work they did to come to the country and remain here.” McAnany also realized how fortunate she was to have her own family living nearby. “I can’t imagine any one of us leaving a country and being apart for an unknown length of time,” she said.
Eventually, and as circumstances changed—one of the parolees found a new job in another city, for example, and was able to move out. But no matter the length of time they spent with each other, McAnany says that with every parolee they formed a bond built for life. One woman, who she refers to as ‘E,’ has even become “like an adopted daughter.” McAnany has traveled to Georgia, where E now lives, three times to visit her.
Uncertain ground: What’s next for humanitarian parole programs
Despite being a critical part of immigration policy in the United States for the last 73 years, humanitarian parole programs are under threat. Immigrant justice nonprofits Justice Action Center and Human Rights First are currently suing the federal government to protect humanitarian parole programs and allow parole beneficiaries to remain in the country for the duration of their parole. McAnany is a plaintiff in the lawsuit.
One of the ladies Sandra sponsored from Venezuela and her partner during Sandra’s first visit to meet her (December 2023)
Participating in the lawsuit has only further bolstered McAnany’s belief in and support for humanitarian parole programs. She hopes the lawsuit will be successful, she says, so that parole beneficiaries and their families can finally have some stability.
“We don’t know what the future is,” she says, “but I want to be optimistic and hopeful that every person I sponsored will be able to stay here safely in the U.S. and continue to thrive.”
This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.
Sam Evanz/TikTok
81-year-old writes heartfelt text message to younger softball teammates in middle of the night.
It's not been a particularly great week on the Internet. No, scratch that—month. Actually, come to think of it, the last few years haven't been amazing. There's bad news everywhere we look. Divisiveness. Arguing. Violence.
Maybe that's why this small story of kindness and hope is resonating so deeply with everyone who comes across it. It's a simple story of people being good to one another, and that's what we need right now more than ever.
A mom named Sam Evanz occasionally shares updates about her husband's local softball team on TikTok. Recently, she posted an incredibly heartfelt message the team received from one of their teammates. The teammate just so happens to be an 81-year-old man.
Evanz's husband is on a 15-player casual team in Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada. One of the players is 81-year-old Nelson Bradbury. The oldest on the team by a solid margin, Bradbury recently took the chance to tell the guys just how much he appreciated the opportunity to play with them, even though he may not be the best athlete out there anymore.
"Well guys , just up to do my middle of the night pee. I have been laying in bed for the past half hour thinking about tonight's game and thinking about the great bunch of guys I am allowed to play with," the long text message begins, coming through at approximately 2:30 a.m.
"I really appreciate the way you guys treat me as an equal and not just an old fart. ... It's all of you who keep me going and give me the reason to get out of bed in the morning."
You'll just have to read the whole thing in Evanz's post to fully appreciate Bradbury's gratitude and contagious sense of humor.
TikTok · Sam Evanz | boy mom 🤘🏻 www.tiktok.com
Evanz was stunned when her post went massively viral, racking up nearly 15 million views as of this writing.
"The response has been pretty incredible!" she tells Upworthy, saying multiple international media outlets picked up the story including a sports reporter in Italy.
Commenters on the post were overwhelmed with appreciation for Bradbury. And, in an instant, fiercely protective of him.
"EVERYONE BETTER HAVE TEXTED BACK"
"AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM BETTER HAVE TOLD HIM HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO THE TEAM!"
"he’s been thinking this for a while but was scared to say it and i’m so glad he did. now if they didn’t respond we’re riding at dusk cause dawn is too far away."
"It’s just a game to you but for him it’s the reasons he gets up everyday"
The Philadelphia Eagles official TikTok account even chimed in: "Being a teammate is a special thing."
Nelson Bradbury stans will be happy to know that his teammates appreciated the message just as much as the rest of us do. Many of them wrote back the next morning, according to an update posted by Evanz.
"Glad to have ya you old fart!!!" one joked.
"You may not know this but it's your example that keeps a lot of us older... oops... mature players going," another said.
You can see a picture of the whole squad here:
TikTok · Sam Evanz | boy mom 🤘🏻 www.tiktok.com
The famous quote from playwright George Bernard Shaw says, "We don't stop playing because we get old. We get old because we stop playing."
Never has the quote been more fitting. Friendship, community, and even play are things all of us humans need. We only need it more as we age. Loneliness reduces our lifespan, while friendship improves not only our longevity but our happiness and quality of life. It may be a simple softball league, but it means a lot to the men who participate, and especially to Bradbury.
Bradbury has a terrific outlook on his life and on how he hopes to spend the rest of his days, of which there are hopefully many. Evanz says that Bradbury is having fun with all the viral attention, and he has even joined TikTok himself so he can keep up with all the mayhem.
"I don't know if I will get another year in the league or not," he writes in the original message. "Shit, I don't buy GREEN bananas any more. But I do know, this will be the year of ball play I will remember."
Small talk can be painful, but the FORD method can help.
Some people enjoy small talk and are naturally good at it. For others, it feels like mental and emotional torture. There are many reasons why people are nervous about entering social situations where they have to make small talk, such as a work event, a party where they don’t know many people, or at school. Some people don’t enjoy small talk because they get frustrated talking about seemingly unimportant topics.
At the same time, others are shy and afraid they’ll say the wrong thing or run out of topics of conversation. Psychologists suggest those who are uncomfortable knowing what to say should use the FORD method of conversation starters. It’s an acronym that’s an easy way to remember four different topics of conversation that work with just about anyone.
According to Nicole Arzt, M.S., L.M.F.T at Social Self, the FORD acronym stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. Here are some examples of questions that fall under each category.
Family
Just about everyone has a family, so it’s a great way to ask someone to share some information about their personal lives without being too forward. Arzt suggests the following questions when making small talk:
You can ask people about their parents, kids, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, or just family in general.Photo credit: Canva
Do you have any siblings?
How did you two meet? (if you are meeting a couple for the first time)
How old is your child?
How is your____ (sister, brother, mother, etc.) doing since ____ (event that happened?)
Occupation
Just like a family, almost everyone has a job. Or, if they do not, that can be an interesting topic as well. Here are some starter questions you can ask someone about their job.
You can take questions about someone's occupation beyond simply, "What do you do?"Photo credit: Canva
What do you do for a living?
How do you like working at _____?
What’s your favorite part of your job?
What made you interested in becoming a _____?
Recreation
You can learn a lot about a person after knowing how they spend their free time. It’s also an excellent way to determine if someone is like-minded and shares the same interests. Here are some questions to get the ball rolling:
People often love talking about what they do for enjoyment outside of work. Photo credit: Canva
What do you like to do for fun?
Have you watched (or read) ______(popular show/book)?
What are you up to this weekend?
Dreams
Learning someone’s hope for the future can tell you much about who they are on a deeper level. They may have just told you about their current job or how they spend their time. But, ultimately, what do they wish to do with their lives? Here’s how to ask someone about their dreams.
Asking people about their hopes and dreams can be a great way to make more meaningful small talk.Photo credit: Canva
Where do you hope to be working in the next few years?
Where would you like to travel?
What’s something you’d like to try in the future?
Would you ever consider trying _____ (particular hobby or activity)?
Arzt also notes that you shouldn’t just be an interviewer. You have to talk about yourself, too. In other words, you need a mutual take-and-give. “Pay attention to someone else's answers and think about how you can draw from your own experience to connect," she wrote. When you're feeling socially anxious, it can be hard to listen to the other person while also thinking about your own responses, so thinking of the FORD acronym for yourself and having something to share in each category ahead of time can be a way to avoid the dreaded awkward silence that sometimes happens during small talk.
It can also be tricky to know how much you should be talking vs. how much you should be listening. If you're not sure how much to say during a conversation, follow the 43:57 rule. A numbers guy at Gong.io analyzed over 25,000 sales calls with AI and found the perfect speaking-to-listening ratio. Sales soared when the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened for 57%.
Even though this insight is from business calls, it applies to everyday social interactions. It's really about listening and making the other person feel special. After all, who doesn't love feeling heard and appreciated?
Small talk doesn't have to be torturous, even if it's something you don't look forward to. With a little preparation and some genuine curiosity, it might even become enjoyable as you make new connections with people.
This article originally appeared last year.
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A woman shocked at what she sees on the wall of her new apartment
Cultural differences can be incredibly subtle. There has been a lot of fun chatter online about how Americans are different from Europeans in many ways. The most often cited differences are that Americans are incredibly friendly (to everyone), love to carry massive bottles of water with them everywhere, and have very loud voices. There are also differences when it comes to their homes. Americans love having large refrigerators, stocking up on groceries, and buying in bulk. Europeans tend to favor regular trips to the store and have a small fridge.
Author Willow Heath of Scotland recently added another thing to the list in her viral TikTok. She explains the confusion she experienced when moving into an apartment where an American couple previously lived.
“Question for all the Americans out there. I have just moved into a new place here in Scotland, and previously, this flat was lived in by an American couple,” Health said. “I showed my friend who now lives in L.A. a curious thing about this flat, and they said, ‘Oh yeah, yeah, it's an American thing.' And the thing I'm talking about is hooks.”
Heath then shared all of the hooks she found in the apartment that were not removed after the couple left.
Heath also noted there was a lazy Susan in the refrigerator that she had never seen before. “I've never seen this before. It's actually really cool,” she said, playing with the rotating plastic tray… “It turns around so you can get at things that are at the back so you don't have to reach all the way to the back … my friend said this is also an American thing,” she added.
Some Americans returned fire at Heath by asking why people in the UK don’t have hooks throughout their homes. “Is everything on the floor in Scotland?” one asked. “That couple was so nice to leave all their hooks for you,” another added. One American stood strong on their hook use: “American living in England, their lack of home organizing is astounding to me.”
Another American referenced the current UK versus U.S. realization that Robbie Williams, the subject of the critically acclaimed movie Better Man about a rockstar chimp, is massively popular across the pond and virtually unknown in America. “Are British people spending so much time listening to Robbie Williams they don’t know what hooks are?” a commenter joked.
One commenter, most likely in the UK, blamed the excessive number of hooks on American consumer culture. “We don't buy random stuff, so no need to hang everything, Americans hoard everything,” they noted.
It might be worth noting that even though Americans have a fervent love of wall hooks, they can't exactly take credit for the idea. That honor, as with so many timeless innovations, belongs to the ancient Egyptians. Then during the Industrial Revolution, the rise of urban cities and middle class families demand more home furnishing that nailed both form and function. Luckily that demand was able to be made with the mass production of various metal items. And now, hooks are a home staple that also reflects certain cultural aesthetics—from the minimalist design of Japanese hooks to ornate, colorful Mediterranean renditions. Scotland must have just missed the memo.
A rustic style of wall hooksPhoto credit: Canva
At the end of the video, Heath shared that she wasn’t putting Americans down; she just never realized how much they like hanging things from hooks. “I'm not saying they're not useful, and I spent time in the States. I lived in upstate New York for a few months,” Heath said. “I like the U.S., I like Americans, I'm not attacking you … I just think this is an interesting cultural difference, hooks everywhere.” The good news for Heath is that nobody took the hooks down, so she may learn why Americans love them so much. As for Robbie Williams, not so much.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
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