Some women don't want kids. And that's OK. This comic breaks it down.
Kate McDonough doesn't want kids, and some people can't seem to wrap their head around that.
She's thoughtful, patient, and enjoys working with kids. She even hopes to be an art therapist one day. But that doesn't mean Kate is interested in motherhood.
"I have never felt the desire to be a mom, even when I try to force it," she wrote on her blog."It’s just not in me. I think it would be much worse to become a mother to a child that I do not want than to disappoint people who expect motherhood of me."
Photo by iStock.
McDonough isn't alone — more women than ever before are choosing not to be parents.
For most of them, the decision is easy. Some may choose to focus on their education or career; others may not be able to afford it or might choose not to for medical or health reasons. And some just aren't interested in raising kids.
Frankly, their reasons aren't anyone's business. Because the only problem with not wanting to have children is how much other people take issue with the choice. Women who choose not to have kids are often singled out for being selfish or not understanding what "real love" is (whatever that means). While other questions or remarks are less malicious, that doesn't make them any less frustrating or hurtful.
"Part of the problem is that child-talk has become ingrained in small-talk," McDonough wrote in an email. "Many people don't even realize how invasive the question can be. There are a million different reasons someone may not have children, and it's a sensitive topic."
Photo by iStock.
She decided to illustrate her frustration and pitch-perfect response in her comic "Pretty, Pretty Ugly."
The resulting strip beautifully depicts why McDonough doesn't want kids and offers support for other women making their own choices.
Comic by Kate McDonough, used with permission.
McDonough's story is not every woman's story, but that's the point. Motherhood is a personal decision.
Since she posted the comic to her Tumblr seven months ago, most of the feedback has been positive.
The original post has more than 58,000 notes. Many readers thanked McDonough for putting their feelings into words (and pictures). Even parents chimed in to voice their support. And the feedback wasn't limited to McDonough's peers either.
"I've had girls in high school ask me if I worry I'll regret the decision someday and I've had women in their 60s and 70s tell me they don't regret their decision to remain childless at all," she wrote. "It's pretty awesome to see all the encouragement. It gives me hope that demands on the next generations might not be the same!"
No matter how you look at it, kids change your life.
Choosing to raise a child is not an easy decision and looking to your partner or trusted friends for support can be valuable. However, it's not anyone's place to suggest or assume they know you better than yourself. You know your situation, preferences, and lifestyle best. Trust it and make the best decision for you and your family.
And if you choose kids, pack wet wipes. So, so many wet wipes.
Photo by iStock.
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People rally around woman who says boyfriend's 'radical honesty' feels like humiliation
When does honesty go too far?
A woman being bullied.
There’s a fine line between being honest and being mean. Some people are honest but know how to couch their opinion in a positive, constructive light. Some people are proud of being "brutally honest," but they often use it as an excuse to hurt other people’s feelings. Honesty is an excellent virtue, but it takes self-awareness and tact to wield it humanely.
If your friend is getting ready to go on a date and asks if you like their shoes, instead of saying, "Your shoes look awful," you can suggest they try on another pair. Or, if they ask whether you liked their macaroni and cheese, instead of pointing out that someone else’s is better, you could simply suggest cooking the noodles a bit longer.
Was he being honest or abusive?
A 26-year-old woman posted on Reddit's Two Hot Takes subforum to ask whether her boyfriend's friends, who pride themselves on "brutal honesty," were wielding their supposed virtue as a sword to cut her down.
"When we started dating, he told me his friend group is 'brutally honest,' and I thought that just meant they roast each other a lot," she wrote. "Nope. Apparently, they have a rule that says if someone complains about their partner, that partner is fair game for group feedback. I did not fully understand what that meant until last weekend."
Recently, she was hanging out with his friends when they started picking on her about traits they said she needed to improve. She wrote, "Like, 'you apologize too much, it is kind of manipulative,' 'you act shy but actually you like control,' 'you talk about your job too much, it is boring for the rest of us.' All delivered like they're doing me a favor. My boyfriend just sat there nodding and occasionally adding examples."
When the woman said their remarks hurt her, they responded that it was only because they "care to be real" with her. This prompted her to ask the forum: "Is this actually some healthy communication thing that my thin skin can't handle, or is this just a circle of people who enjoy tearing others apart and slapping a self-help label on it?"
What did the commenters have to say?
The commenters overwhelmingly agreed with the woman, and many pointed out that her boyfriend has abusive tendencies.
"Complaining to his friends and having them gang up on you is not radical honesty. He's crowdsourcing his bullying. Gross," the most popular commenter wrote. "Not radical honesty, this is public shaming. He’s prioritizing his friends over your feelings, and that’s a red flag," another wrote. "When someone puts you down like that, and the someone who is supposed to love you sit there, listens, and then contributes. GIRL, RUN! If you allow this, you're going to feel worse and worse about yourself, and then you'll be right where they want you. Down on their feet, kissing the ground they walk on," a commenter wrote.
So how do we know the difference between someone who’s "just being honest" and being abusive? According to Dr. Sheri Jacobson, it has to do with intention.
"The difference here is that a person who verbally abuses another has no intention of seeing the positive side, considering the other’s viewpoint, or helping them improve," Jacobson writes at Harley Therapy. "They have the intention, admitted or not, of hurting and controlling the person they offer their 'feedback' to. Verbal also abuse tends to criticise you as a person, not just what you did and the consequences of the action."
Ultimately, it’s unfortunate that the woman had to endure such harsh, personal criticism from her boyfriend and his friends. However, she learned something positive after sharing her problem on Reddit: people overwhelmingly agreed that her boyfriend was being abusive. Hopefully, that gives her some clarity so she can either work on the relationship or move on to someone who knows how to be honest without being brutal.