9 body language mistakes that quietly come across as rude and what to do instead

“The perception is the important part.”

Apr 27, 2026

Photo credit: Canva – Are you secretly signaling disinterest?

You finally have good news. A promotion at work. The text you’ve been waiting all week for. You watch your kid take those first wobbly steps across the living room.

You excitedly tell a friend, your heart still racing a little, and they glance at their phone, mumble, “That’s great,” and slump back into their chair. Technically, they said the right thing. But their body told a different story.

Nonverbal cues are like the backstage crew of every conversation. Just because you don’t always notice them doesn’t mean they’re not there, controlling the lights, the mood, and the entire show. Psychologist Albert Mehrabian suggested that when we express feelings, only a small portion of the message comes from words, while much of the rest comes from tone and body language.

body, language, mistakes, rude, nonverbal — What does your body language say about you? Photo credit: Canvas

In other words, you can say “I’m listening” with your mouth, but your posture, eye contact, and tone of voice might be saying “I’m not.”

But there’s hope! These are skills, not personality flaws, and once you see the patterns—a handful of automatic, low-awareness habits that can unintentionally make others feel judged, dismissed, or unimportant—you can start to shift them.

Here are nine common “silent habits” that can create distance, plus gentle ways to adjust your behavior:

1. Avoiding eye contact

You’re halfway through a story about how your previous apartment was infiltrated by bees, and you can feel it: the other person’s gaze keeps sliding past your shoulder, down to the table, anywhere but your face. You finish the story, but something deep within you recoils.

In many cultures, steady, comfortable eye contact is one of the simplest tools we have to convey, “I’m here with you. You matter.” Without it, words can feel hollow. When the opposite happens—when we rarely look someone in the eye during a conversation—they may feel invisible or boring, even if it’s just meant to give them some space or to “not stare.”

@lovestrategies
How Much Eye Contact is Too Much? Use The 50/70 Rule Unlocking the power of eye contact is about balance, not rigid percentages. Speaking requires about 50% eye contact while listening demands around 70%. Quality trumps quantity, so make it meaningful. #eyecontact #dating #turnons #datingtips #datingadvice ♬ original sound – Love Strategies – Love Strategies

Eye contact can be hard or even painful for some people, including folks who are shy, anxious, or neurodivergent. Others may have been raised in a culture that did not demand steady eye contact. That is why it helps to treat it as a flexible tool rather than a moral test.

How to shift: Try the “50/70” guideline, and hold eye contact about half the time while you speak and a little more while you listen. Let your gaze rest on their eyes or the bridge of their nose, then drift away naturally. If direct eye contact feels intense, look near their eyes instead; you’ll still create a sense of connection.

2. Crossing your arms

This one is tricky. Sometimes, you cross your arms because it’s cold outside and you forgot to bring a jacket. Other times, you truly don’t know what to do with your hands.

A tightly crossed posture often reads as “closed off,” “annoyed,” or “not open to what you are saying,” even when you feel fully engaged. Body language researchers describe it as creating a physical barrier. The perception is the problem, not necessarily the posture itself. As nonverbal behavior expert Alison Henderson has noted, “The perception is the important part. They may think a gesture is harmless because they don’t mean anything by it, but it’s how it’s perceived that becomes the issue.”

Over time, friends may stop sharing things with you. It’s difficult to be vulnerable with someone whose body keeps bracing for impact.

How to shift: Experiment with opening your stance. Rest your arms at your sides, in your lap, or around a cup, notebook, or bag. When you show your hands—especially with palms relaxed or open—you tend to look warmer and more approachable.

3. Phubbing (or phone snubbing)

Even a quick glance at your phone’s notification screen can feel like a tiny rejection, especially during emotionally charged moments. Research suggests that “phubbing” (a blend of “phone” and “snubbing”) can chip away at relationships over time, as it signals to the other person, “I’m checking to see if something more interesting has popped up.”

The worst part is that most people check their phones without trying to be rude—often, they don’t even care what’s on it. Our phones are simply irresistible, and our daily habits have hard-wired constant checking.

How to shift: When you’re with someone, try putting your phone fully away. Not face-down on the table or across the room, but away, either in another room or in your backpack. When you’re impervious to its seductive hum calling for your attention, you can be truly present with what matters: the other person in the room. However, if you truly expect an urgent call or text, name it upfront: “Just a heads up, I’m waiting for a call from so-and-so. I might check my phone once or twice, but I’m listening; I really want to hear this.” This tiny disclaimer can do wonders.

4. Slouching or “checked out”

No one’s perfect; we all have days when we want to melt into our couch and become one with its cushions. But when your shoulders cave in, your gaze drifts, and your whole body tilts away from the person speaking, your posture can come across as disinterest or apathy, no matter how engaged you are in the conversation. As body language consultant Dr. Lillian Glass puts it, poor posture conveys that you’re “not positive, not energetic, not caring.” Even if you’re fully mentally present, a rounded-in posture can make you appear inattentive or guarded.

Posture is a complex subject: it shapes not only how people see you, but also how you feel. A more upright, supported posture can boost alertness and mood, making it easier to stay present.

How to shift: Practice at home. Sit with your lower back supported and your feet on the floor if you can. Let your shoulders relax instead of locking them in place. Maybe lean forward a bit. Doing this when someone talks (just a few degrees, not “invading your space” territory) can come across as an act of solidarity.

5. Eye rolling and other “I’m above this” expressions

Few gestures cut as sharply as an eye roll. A sigh, a smirk, or a raised eyebrow at an inopportune moment can sting as much as harsh words.

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman points to contempt—often expressed through eye‑rolling, mocking faces, or sneering tones—as one of the most corrosive behaviors in close relationships. To the person on the receiving end, it does not just say, “I disagree.” It says, “You are beneath me.”

But it’s not so simple, is it? The movement can reflect many things: frustration, fatigue, overwhelm, or thinking. Someone might roll their eyes because they’re searching for the right words (and looking up is just part of how they process information), or because they are reacting playfully or dramatically, but it lands in a way they didn’t intend. However, it’s important to be mindful of when, how, and where you roll your eyes—eye rolling is easy to misread.

How to shift: When you feel that “Ugh, I can’t believe this” frustration rise, hit pause. Take a breath and soften your expression on purpose, even for a second. If you disagree or feel hurt, try putting it into words instead of rolling your eyes. “I’m having a strong emotional response, and I’m not sure why. Can you tell me more about where you’re coming from?” A simple phrase like this leaves little room for interpretation. Respectful curiosity keeps the door open.

6. Standing too close and invading personal space

Everyone carries an invisible bubble around their body, a personal “comfort zone” that shifts with culture, relationship, and context. When you stand too close, especially with acquaintances or coworkers, you can trigger a sense of intrusion or even threat.

Anthropologist Edward T. Hall’s classic research on proxemics identifies a hierarchy of space around every person: an intimate zone (roughly 0–1.5 feet) reserved for close loved ones; a personal zone (1.5–4 feet) for good friends; and a social zone (4–12 feet) for colleagues and acquaintances.

You do not need to create charts outlining everyone’s “personal space parameters” (nor should you). The key lies in what you can see: in real life, people lean back, step away, or angle their bodies when they want more room.

How to shift: With new people or in professional settings, be cautious and err on the side of a little extra space (often around 4–6 feet). Watch their cues. If they step closer, so can you. If they step back or turn away, respect that and recognize it as a boundary.

7. Constant fidgeting

Bouncing a leg, tapping the table, clicking a pen, or twisting your hair can all help your body release nervous energy. These aren’t “bad” habits per se, but during a conversation—especially in small spaces or during meetings—they can distract or even irritate those around you.

In extreme cases, constant fidgeting can trigger a biological response. Some people live with misokinesia, a strong negative reaction to repetitive movements in their field of vision, and a jiggling foot can be overwhelming, preventing them from hearing your actual message.

How to shift: Start by noticing your patterns. Do you fidget more when you feel anxious, bored, or overstimulated? The next time you feel those emotions, check if you’re fidgeting. When you catch yourself, do a quick realignment, and gently plant your feet on the floor. Rest your hands on a steady surface. Move your energy into slower, deliberate actions, like taking a deep breath, sipping water, or uncurling your shoulders. You don’t have to be perfectly still. Just find a calmer rhythm.

8. Being late and acting like it’s “no big deal”

Most of us understand that sometimes, life gets in the way. There was a crash on the highway, leading to an extra 15 minutes of traffic. The kids refused to put their shoes on and leave the house. Your boss monopolized your attention after work.

But more than the actual act of lateness, what hurts is the failure to acknowledge it. When someone walks in late and acts as if nothing happened, the people who waited and were patient can feel like their time isn’t important. Like they’re supporting characters in the late person’s life, just waiting in the wings until they arrive. If that pattern repeats, the warmth and trust that once permeated the relationship can run dry, as friends and coworkers start to pull back emotionally, even if they never say exactly why.

How to shift: As soon as you realize you’re running late, send a quick message. “Running 10 minutes behind—so sorry, I’ll be there soon.” When you arrive, offer a simple, sincere apology: “Sorry for being late! Thanks for waiting for me.” No one’s expecting an Oscar-winning speech or monologue. You don’t have to be long-winded or self-flagellating to convey how sorry you are. Owning the impact can restore more goodwill than you think.

9. Finger pointing, literally

During a conversation, you extend your index finger toward another person. You’re just being helpful, identifying the person you’re talking about, which often happens unconsciously in moments when emotions run high.

But there’s a reason this is one of the older taboos in social gesturing: finger-pointing has historically been associated with accusation, blame, and aggression. In Western cultures, finger-pointing at a person reads as lecturing, dominant, or confrontational. Even in calmer contexts, it can make the person on the receiving end feel singled out or diminished. In a casual disagreement with a friend, even a gentle finger jab toward them while speaking can make the exchange feel more combative than it needs to be.

How to shift: When you feel the itch to gesture for emphasis, use an open hand instead, with your palms facing upward. You can even gesture in the air between you and the other person, instead of directly at them. When you refer to something specific, try using your whole hand to point in that direction rather than a single extended finger.

Body language is a learnable skill

As we’ve mentioned, there are a million reasons why these habits join our autopilot, and they don’t always come from mean, judgmental places. No one wakes up and thinks, “Today I will cross my arms and glance at my phone to make my friend feel small.”

The nine habits described here share one important quality: nearly all of them are unintentional.

But the truth is, your body keeps talking, even when you stay quiet. When your body tells a different story than the one that lives in your heart, people feel that mismatch. And often, they go with the one they can see, not hear.

Here is the hopeful piece: you can learn to excel at nonverbal communication, just like any other skill. With gentle awareness, you can sit up a little straighter, maintain steady eye contact, and treat even the smallest gestures with care.

You don’t need to fix everything at once. Conversations shouldn’t feel like a system overload of monitoring every aspect of your body (actually listening to what’s being said is still important, so don’t forget that). Maybe you uncross your arms on purpose, or throw your phone in the other room. Over time, those small shifts add up. Others will feel a little more seen, a little more respected, a little more at ease in the space around you.

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In Partnership With Habitat For Humanity →

Homeowners celebrate the completion of their new home in Cambodia's Siem Reap Province alongside Habitat for Humanity volunteers and staff.

Culture, Family

A safe, stable home can change lives for the better. Here’s how Habitat for Humanity wants to make that possible for everyone.

Better health, better jobs, and a brighter future all start with access to a safe, affordable home.

Sarah Watts

3/25/2026
A single door can open up a world of endless possibilities. For homeowners, the front door of their house is a gateway to financial stability, job security, and better health. Yet for many, that door remains closed. Due to the rising costs of housing, 1 in 3 people around the world wake up without the security of safe, affordable housing.

Since 1976, Habitat for Humanity has made it their mission to unlock and open the door to opportunity for families everywhere, and their efforts have paid off in a big way. Through their work over the past 50 years, more than 65 million people have gained access to new or improved housing, and the movement continues to gain momentum. Since 2011 alone, Habitat for Humanity has expanded access to affordable housing by a hundredfold.

A world where everyone has access to a decent home is becoming a reality, but there’s still much to do. As they celebrate 50 years of building, Habitat for Humanity is inviting people of all backgrounds and talents to be part of what comes next through Let’s Open the Door, a global campaign that builds on this momentum and encourages people everywhere to help expand access to safe, affordable housing for those who need it most. Here’s how the foundation to a better world starts with housing, and how everyone can pitch in to make it happen.

Volunteers raise a wall for the framework of a new home during the first day of building at Habitat for Humanity’s 2025 Carter Work Project.

Globally, almost 3 billion people, including 1 in 6 U.S. families, struggle with high costs and other challenges related to housing. A crisis in itself, this also creates larger problems that affect families and communities in unexpected ways. People who lack affordable, stable housing are also more likely to experience financial hardship in other areas of their lives, since a larger share of their income often goes toward rent, utilities, and frequent moves. They are also more likely to experience health problems due to chronic stress or environmental factors, such as mold. Housing insecurity also goes hand-in-hand with unstable employment, since people may need to move further from their jobs or switch jobs altogether to offset the cost of housing.

Affordable homeownership creates a stable foundation for families to thrive, reducing stress and increasing the likelihood for good health and stable employment. Habitat for Humanity builds and repairs homes with individual families, but it also strengthens entire communities as well. The MicroBuild® Initiative, for example, strengthens communities by increasing access to loans for low-income families seeking to build or repair their homes. Habitat ReStore locations provide affordable appliances and building materials to local communities, in addition to creating job and volunteer opportunities that support neighborhood growth.

Marsha and her son pose for a photo while building their future home with Southern Crescent Habitat for Humanity in Georgia.

Everyone can play a part in the fight for housing equity and the pursuit of a better world. Over the past 50 years, Habitat for Humanity has become a leader in global housing thanks to an engaged network of volunteers—but you don’t need to be skilled with a hammer to make a meaningful impact. Building an equitable future means calling on a wide range of people and talents.

Here’s how you can get involved in the global housing movement:
- Speaking up on social media about the growing housing crisis
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- Join the Let’s Open the Door movement and, when you donate, you can create your own personalized door
- Shop or donate at your local Habitat ReStore
Every action, big and small, drives a global movement toward a better future. A safe home unlocks opportunity for families and communities alike, but it’s volunteers and other supporters, working together with a shared vision, who can open the door for everyone.

Visit habitat.org/open-door to learn more and get involved today.
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People Skills, Science

A man skipped his friend’s birthday dinner because the cheapest entree was $41 and people are rallying behind him

Is $41 for a “birthday burger” reasonable, or is this a friendship red flag?

Adam Albright-Hanna

Upworthy Staff

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Sean Lans got an invitation to his friend’s birthday dinner. He looked up the restaurant. The cheapest entree on the menu was $41. There was also a $35 cover charge at the bar they were hitting afterward. He did the math and proposed a compromise: he’d skip dinner and meet everyone out later.

His friend was not happy about it.

Sean posted about it on TikTok (@seanlans), and the video took off because almost everyone watching had been on one side of this exact conversation at some point. “I’m not looking to spend the equivalent of a week of grocery money on a single night out,” he said in the video. That line landed for a lot of people.

@seanlans
Restaurants in new york are so expensive in general it’s actually crazy #nyc #birthdaydinner #storytime #gay #expensive #broke #fyp
♬ original sound – seanlans

The responses split along pretty predictable lines. Some thought $41 wasn’t that bad and he should have saved up if this friend mattered to him. Others pointed out that nobody should be put in the position of choosing between their budget and showing up for someone’s birthday.

Diners celebrate at a restaurant. Photo credit: Canva

One commenter offered the most reasonable take: “If someone is unable to attend my boujee birthday dinner, that’s fine. I’ll schedule another affordable dinner date for us to celebrate together.”

Sean later told Bored Panda he was surprised to learn how many people assume the birthday host covers everyone, and also surprised that several commenters thought $41 for a single entree was totally reasonable. He also noted that other people in the group didn’t actually want to go to that restaurant either. He was just the one who said so.

You can follow Sean Lans (@seanlans) on TikTok for more financial-based content.

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A 60-year-old study keeps proving that tiny mistakes make you a lot more likable

A little blunder can go a long way.

Tod Perry

4/23/2026

Studies show that when we meet someone new, we check for two traits to decide if we like them. First, we decide whether they have a warm personality. Do they come off as kind, friendly, or accepting? Second, we assess their competence. Are they intelligent, skilled, and do they have basic social skills?

If you pass the warmth/competence round of meeting someone new, another way to make sure that people like you is to make a small blunder. People have already assessed that you’re competent. Making a small mistake and having fun with it will make you more relatable. The psychological phenomenon is known as the Pratfall Effect.

What is the Pratfall Effect?

Psychologist Elliot Aronson first identified the Pratfall Effect in a 1966 experiment in which he had participants listen to an audio recording of someone taking a quiz and doing incredibly well. At the end of the recording, some participants heard the quiz-taker spill coffee on themselves, while others didn’t. Those who heard the coffee spill rated the quiz-taker much higher on likability than those who did not.

The basic reasoning behind the Pratfall Effect is that when someone is seen as competent, a mistake makes them more relatable. A terrific example of this is Jennifer Lawrence tripping at the 2013 Academy Awards. At the moment when she was being awarded for her incredible performance in Silver Linings Playbook, she fell on her face. No doubt this made her all the more likable because everyone watching on TV thought, “Oh, she’s just like me.”

If Lawrence had become angry or cursed the stairs for the fall, people would have thought less of her, but after she fell, she received a standing ovation, and she laughed about it. “You guys are just standing up because you feel bad that I fell, and that’s really embarrassing, thank you,” she opened her speech.

The Pratfall Effect doesn’t work in every situation

Now, the Pratfall Effect will only work to your advantage in a situation where people think that you are competent. If you are really good at your job and you accidentally mispronounce a word in a speech to your coworkers and laugh it off, they will like you more. However, if this is a situation where you are less competent, say, you are learning how to golf, and during a practice swing, you accidentally let go of the club, launching it into the air, people will probably think less of you.

A woman who made a mistake. Photo credit: Canva

Not everyone has the same reaction to a competent person making a blunder. A follow-up paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people’s reaction to the mistake will differ depending on their level of self-esteem. People with lower self-esteem will feel greater admiration for their boss who spills coffee on their shirt while driving to work because it levels the playing field. But people with high self-esteem who are more comfortable around their boss won’t care as much if they make a mistake.

Ultimately, being likable isn’t about impressing people; it’s about knowing how to be human. The key is that once you’ve proven to others that you know what you’re doing, you can feel free to trip up every once in a while because it’ll make them like you even more.

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Why do breakups hurt so much? Researcher put people in MRI scanners to find out. Her answer explains everything.

“Romantic love is an addiction — a perfectly wonderful addiction when it’s going well, and a perfectly horrible addiction when it’s going badly.”

Adam Albright-Hanna

4/21/2026

Helen Fisher spent decades asking a question most scientists avoided: what is love, exactly, and what is it doing to your brain? By the time she died in August 2024 at 79, she had an answer, and it turns out heartbreak makes a lot more sense once you understand it.

Fisher was a biological anthropologist and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, best known for pioneering the use of brain imaging to study romantic love. She noted early in her research that love appears in every human society ever studied, and across 170 cultures, there is no example of a society without it. What varies is the expression. What doesn’t vary is the experience.

To understand what love actually does to the brain, Fisher and her colleagues scanned 17 people who described themselves as newly and madly in love. When shown photographs of their partners, a specific region deep at the base of the brain lit up: the ventral tegmental area, or VTA. This is the area that produces dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with wanting, motivation, focus, and craving. It is, Fisher noted, the same region that activates during the rush from cocaine.

Romantic love, she concluded, is not an emotion. It is a drive — a chemical push toward another person that functions like an addiction when it’s working, and like withdrawal when it isn’t.

Then she scanned the people who had been dumped.

All 15 showed activity in the same VTA. The drive, the craving, the wanting was all still there. But two additional regions also lit up. One was associated with calculating gains and losses, the part of the brain that runs obsessive post-mortems, asking what went wrong and whether it could be fixed. The other was associated with deep attachment. In the recently published obituary in The Telegraph, Fisher’s research was described as showing activity also in areas linked to physical pain, risk-taking, obsessive-compulsive behavior, and anger. All of this, running simultaneously, in someone who just wants to stop thinking about a person they no longer have.

“Romantic love is an addiction,” Fisher said. “A perfectly wonderful addiction when it’s going well, and a perfectly horrible addiction when it’s going badly.”

One person who found Fisher’s framing genuinely useful was Dessa, a Minneapolis-based rapper. She had tried and failed to get over an ex-boyfriend and was frustrated by her own inability to move on despite wanting to. “It really bothered me that, no matter how much effort I tried to expend in trying to solve this problem, I was stuck,” she told NPR. Fisher’s explanation of the VTA gave her a new angle. “That you could objectively measure and observe ‘love,’ that had never occurred to me before.”

Dessa went on to try neurofeedback, a technique in which participants learn to consciously alter their own brain wave activity. A study published in Neuron found that participants trained to modulate their VTA activity were eventually able to do so without any external stimulus, effectively learning to turn down the volume on the craving.

It isn’t a cure. Fisher was careful about what she claimed. But understanding that the pain of heartbreak is neurologically structured, that it has a physical location in the brain and follows identifiable patterns, at least makes it feel less like a personal failing and more like a process that, with time, tends to resolve.

Fisher finished the manuscript for her final book five days before she died.

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People Skills, Science

Expert shares the ‘5 communication types’ and how understanding them can make relationships easier

Are you a peacemaker, an advocate, harbor, thinker, or a spark?

Cecily Knobler

4/20/2026

Having a healthy communication style isn’t just about how you speak. It’s how you listen and perceive the other person or people to whom you’re talking. Knowing the strengths (and sometimes more importantly, the weaknesses) they might bring to a conversation can often help produce a better outcome.

Licensed therapist Jason VanRuler developed an efficient quiz to help people determine their communication style. After answering a short series of questions, an individual can find out if they lean toward the “peacemaker, the advocate, the harbor, the thinker, or the spark.” Of course, most of us don’t fit neatly into one box or another. To account for that, each archetype (to borrow Carl Jung’s term) is given a number, so one can see how they relate to each style.

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A post shared by Jason VanRuler, Licensed Therapist (@jason.vanruler)

Reading the room

In an Instagram Reel posted by VanRuler, he explains how essential mere perception can be. “You may think great communication is about saying the right thing, but it’s actually about knowing how to read the room. When something doesn’t land, we often blame the other person for not understanding, instead of asking how our message may not have connected with them. Different people process information differently, and ignoring that creates disconnect.”

How to reframe

There are ways in which he says a person can reframe. “What to Do About It: Shift your focus from ‘Why didn’t they get it?’ to ‘How can I say this in a way that connects with them?’ Pay attention to how people respond and adjust your approach accordingly. Great communicators don’t just express well, they adapt well.”

In the clip, he describes a time when he was giving a conference to a room full of accountants. “So I got up and I talked a lot about feelings, and I went really deep and got really emotional. And it was really, really quiet. And I left thinking, ‘what was wrong with the audience? Why didn’t they resonate with what I just said?’ But what I didn’t really think about is, what is it about what I just said that didn’t resonate with them?”

Learning your “style” can help facilitate better relationships through stronger communication. On VanRuler’s website, he explains who he’s attempting to help, writing, “Whether it’s leadership coaching, relationship building, couples therapy, addiction, trauma, or something different, my goal is the same: to speak truth and grace into every life I work with.”

The 5 types

In a press piece for his new book Discovering Your Communication Type: The 5 Paths to Deeper Connections and Stronger Relationships, VanRuler gives a quick explanation of the strengths of each type. (He refers to what we might call “weaknesses” as “opportunity.” The idea being to ask one’s self, “what opportunity do I have to strengthen my communication style?’

Peacemaker

“Strength: Creates peace and eases tension in difficult or trying moments.
Opportunity: Can avoid necessary conflict, which delays resolution and repair.”

Advocate

“Strength: Focused on justice, fairness, and upholding morals; advocates for their beliefs.
Opportunity: Can present as intense or overpowering, or advocate when it’s not needed.”

Thinker

“Strength: Focused on logic, thoughts, facts, and getting things correct.
Opportunity: Can miss cues for feelings and appear distant or emotionally unavailable.”

Harbor

“Strength: Creates a safe space for others to go deep and talk about feelings and emotions.
Opportunity: May struggle to express their own needs, communicate boundaries, or be the focal point of a conversation.”

Spark

“Strength: Brings lots of energy, creativity, and momentum to conversations.
Opportunity: Can struggle with consistency and initiating difficult conversations.”

He makes it clear that understanding these “paths” is a great start to elevating a relationship, saying, “Each path speaks a different ‘language,’ and the more fluent you become in other styles, the better you can bridge the gap between you and the people you care about.”

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Photo credit: Canva – Your quirks might be subtle strengths.

People Skills, Science

12 seemingly ‘awkward’ behaviors that might just mean you’re highly intelligent

Your brain is not broken. It’s just built differently.

Kat Hong

4/17/2026

Those traits you’ve categorized as “undesirable quirks”? They may actually be subtle strengths in disguise.

Taking a thoughtful pause before responding. Wanting to understand the “why” before saying yes. Replaying a conversation in your head so many times, the room starts to spin.

In a culture obsessed with instant reactions, being a person who treads softly, asks pertinent questions, and is genuinely curious is an under-appreciated advantage. It can even feel like a flaw.

However, psychology keeps arriving at the same conclusion: the habits that make us feel awkward and out of place are actually signals of a sharper, more complex mind at work. Let’s walk through what that looks like in real life.

1. Hitting pause in a world that expects quick replies

You’re in an all-hands meeting. Someone asks a question, and the rest of the call quickly starts talking at once, voices overlapping. Everyone else seems to fire back instantly, and there you are, taking a visible beat that feels like an eternity. That pause can often be read as hesitation or timidness. Maybe even insecurity.

But here’s what’s actually happening: your brain is doing quality control.

In 2025, researchers found that people who paused briefly before answering were perceived as more confident, trustworthy, and competent than those who responded immediately. Instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, you pause, scan the situation, and test your thinking. Psychologists call this dual-processing reasoning, a slower and more deliberate way of reasoning. Think of it as a strength, not a delay: a built-in review process that helps you catch mistakes, sharpen your judgment, and make more reliable choices. In effect, you are double-checking the math before showing your work.

2. Why you can’t just “go with it”

Maybe this situation feels familiar: someone proposes a plan, and everyone else seems ready to move forward. Yet you still sense that something is off. Perhaps a step has been overlooked, the conclusion came too quickly, or an important risk has not been fully acknowledged. So, it makes sense to start by asking questions. Isn’t it natural to want to understand the why before agreeing to the what?

Suddenly you’re “difficult.” Or “negative.” Or “not a team player.” Underneath the labels lies a simple truth: your brain has a low tolerance for fuzzy reasoning. It can’t stand incomplete information. Psychologists link this to high cognitive complexity; you’re acutely aware of how many things can go wrong when the math doesn’t add up.

Your brain has a low tolerance for fuzzy logic. Canva

3. You watch the room before joining in

In group settings, you tend to hover on the edges first, never leaping headfirst into the conversation. You hang back, tracking carefully who interrupts whom; who laughs at what. You pay attention.

To everyone else, this can look like shyness or disinterest.

In reality, your brain is collecting data. Your working memory is taking in large quantities of information, some verbal, many not: tone, timing, body language, and power dynamics, to name a few. You’re the furthest thing from checked out. You’re loading. And the moment your brain finishes mapping the room, your moment arrives. You’re ready to step into the conversation.

4. You ask questions that feel obvious

If you’ve read this far, you may know that uneasy feeling when you raise your hand and say, “Sorry, just to make sure I understand—what exactly do you mean?”

This can feel like a declaration of incompetence. But people who are truly competent are very aware of what they know—and what they don’t. Refusing to assume is one of the clearest markers of mental acuity, according to the Dunner-Kruger effect. In psychology, it’s described as a cognitive bias in which people with lower skills or knowledge in a specific domain vastly overestimate their competence. To recognize your own gaps, you need a minimum level of that same knowledge. In simpler terms, you really don’t know what you don’t know.

5. You rehearse conversations before they happen

As we’ve already discussed, you don’t like to feel unprepared. So, you rehearse pretty much everything, like you’re starring in a very meta, very tedious play.

This can feel neurotic or exhausting. But it’s also incredibly sophisticated: you’re predicting how another person might think, feel, and respond before you walk into the moment. This is called predictive social modeling. It’s the mind’s ability to simulate what another person is likely thinking, feeling, or about to do based on what is already known about their traits, current state, and past behavior. In plain English, it means mentally running a social forecast: “If I say this, they’ll probably react that way,” or “They seem stressed, so this joke may not land well.”

6. Why your brain refuses to leave the meeting you exited an hour ago

The conversation is long over. You left the meeting room an hour ago. You’re literally at your desk, eating rice crackers, and drinking your afternoon coffee. So why does it feel like you’re still in that room?

Although not physically, mentally, you’re stuck there: rewinding a slightly off-color (or was it?) comment you made, wondering how you came off to everyone, and whether you’ll ever be truly understood by another person. ‘Was I too assertive?,’ you may ask yourself. Too soft? Too quiet? Did I take up too much room?

You may not know it, but post-event processing like this is a sign of high-self awareness. Your brain is running a highlight reel in slow motion, replaying what happened and grading it against a complex internal standard most people don’t catch. The upside is that this inventive mental system also helps you learn quickly and improve at a rapid pace. The downside? It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Turns out, that same mental system has a hard time distinguishing between “actual mistake” and “totally fine moment that nobody else noticed.” A good rule of thumb? You’re usually harder on yourself than the situation calls for.

This is what happens when your brain is built for depth. Canva

7. Small talk makes you want to climb out of your own skin

The weather. Weekend plans. “What do you do for work?” The latest in local sports (spoiler alert: they’re doing badly).

These conversations don’t do much for you. Like, you can do it. You know how. But small talk often feels like wading through molasses: a lot of movement, not much meaning. Kind of fake.

But give you a real topic to work with—one with substance—and it’s off to the races. You could talk for hours. This is what happens when your brain is built for depth. Psychologists call this a high need for cognition: you like thinking about big ideas, and shallow exchanges are genuinely under-stimulating. You’re not anti-social. You’re just waiting for substance.

8. You thrive in one-on-one conversations

Parties and big groups feel like a sporting event, or something like social juggling:

Whose turn is it to talk? Who hasn’t spoken yet? Why? What did that facial expression mean? Can I change the subject now?

But in one-on-one situations, when you sit across from another person who’s really just there with you, it’s like a new gear unlocks. You become a completely different version of yourself. While group settings demand social multitasking, one-on-one hangouts allow space for depth, nuance, and actual connection. Science says that highly intelligent people prefer this sort of deliberate, high-impact communication, with Jean Granneman, author of The Secret Lives of Introverts, explaining: “Happiness and meaningful interactions go hand-in-hand.”

9. You over-explain when something excites you

When you start talking about something you love, you tend to keep going. The excitement is real, and so is the instinct to follow every interesting tangent: right up until you notice the other person’s polite nod and realize you may have gone a bit farther than necessary.

Some may call it overexplaining. Others say that’s what it looks like when a mind genuinely sees how everything connects. Highly intelligent people tend to think in networks, not straight lines, as one idea activates three related ones, which in turn activate three more. In fact, Polish researcher Kazimierz Dabrowski found that intellectual excitability is especially common among gifted individuals, whose thinking and curiosity often operate in an ecstatic overdrive.

10. You fidget when you’re thinking hard

Your pen is tapping against the desk. Your foot is bouncing. Doodles in the margins of your notepad.

These aren’t signs of unprofessionalism or restlessness. Those small repetitive movements may actually be your nervous system’s way of helping you stay focused. Studies suggest that gentle, repetitive movement can improve focus while completing mentally demanding tasks, as you burn off just enough extra energy to keep the analytical part of your brain engaged.

You care about how your words land. Canva

11. You rewrite texts before hitting send

Messages are carefully crafted in your notes app, where the other side can’t see your typing bubbles. You read your words back, editing, snipping, and reworking, as if you’re publishing a novel. And this was all for a simple, “You free Thursday?” text.

It’s easy to call this anxiety. And yes, sometimes it is. But underneath that is something else: you care how your words land. You understand that tiny shifts in phrasing can completely change the feeling on the other side of the screen. You want the person receiving your words to feel what you actually meant, not some clumsy, half–translated version of it.

Most people never think that hard about the emotional impact of a casual message. You do.

12. That “off” feeling you can’t quite explain

It’s not a big deal, but you often feel just a little…out of step. Like, there’s a script everyone else got, and you’re left to improvise. You’re not anxious, exactly, nor unfriendly or shy. It’s difficult to explain.

This isn’t a personality problem; it’s about calibration. If your mind works faster, deeper, or differently than the average, most environments are not going to be built at your level of depth by default. The pace will feel strange. The topics will feel light. The expectations will feel sideways. Research suggests that people with high cognitive ability may sometimes feel out of sync with the pace and depth of many social spaces.

Here’s the thing about all of this

All of this—the pausing, the scanning, the rehearsing, the replaying, the extra explaining, the little movements that keep you grounded—is work. Mentally, you’re doing gymnastics, but from the outside, that can read as quiet. Or a bit awkward. Or a bit “too much.”

You’re doing your best to move through the world thoughtfully, carefully, and with compassion. That isn’t a flaw you need to fix. It’s something meaningful to recognize, honor, and, yes, hold on to.

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Photo credit: Canva – A barista makes small talk with a customer.

People Skills, Science

New small talk study reveals why you should never fear a boring conversation

Even a micro-conversation can help reduce anxiety.

Cecily Knobler

4/15/2026

“Job treating you alright?” “Looks like this weekend is gonna be a real scorcher.” “That Cowboys game was outrageous.” These are some conversational snippets one might hear that could lead to immediate panic—that insufferable “small talk” lies ahead. But new research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology claims that people actually like, and often benefit from, these kinds of conversations.

Researchers discovered that even though people reported not looking forward to “boring” conversations, a majority found them quite fun.

@connectwithgrowth
You don’t bond over big ideas. You bond over “I know, right?” Speaker: Trevor Noah #connectdeeply #communication #smalltalk
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Even “boring” topics were fun

The team mixed and matched respondents to cover all bases. In one experiment, they observed conversations in which “one person finds the topic boring.” In another experiment, they created a situation where both participants “find the topic boring.” They also tested groups based on whether the participants were strangers or friends.

In a piece published by the American Psychological Association (APA), researchers reported that, after studying 1,800 participants, “people consistently underestimated how interesting and enjoyable conversations about boring topics would be.”

Some might question what topics are considered (potentially) “boring” in the first place:

“Topics were many and varied, including World Wars I and II, nonfiction books, the stock market, cats, and vegan diets. In some cases, participants were asked to suggest a topic they found boring (responses included such topics as math, onions and Pokemon).”

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Small talk
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Elizabeth Trinh, a doctoral student at the University of Michigan and lead author of the study, said she was excited about the results.

“We were both surprised and excited by how robust the effect was,” she said. “People consistently expected conversations about seemingly boring topics to be less interesting than they turned out to be.”

“Serves a real purpose”

Upworthy spoke with licensed therapist Rebecca Tenzer, owner of Astute Counseling and Wellness Center. She explained why many of us feel anxious about so-called small talk, only to find it entertaining.

“While it gets dismissed a lot, small talk actually serves a real purpose when it comes to mental health,” Tenzer said. “These smaller, everyday interactions help people feel connected, acknowledged, important, and can even build self-esteem. Even if the conversation is simple or surface-level, there are meaningful impacts and a lot of gain.”

Tenzer also supported the idea that these micro-conversations, no matter the topic, have significant benefits.

“We’re seeing more evidence that even brief social exchanges can improve mood, teach social norms, and reduce feelings of loneliness,” she said. “Along with those interactions are often positive body language exchanges, smiles, and even laughter, all of which are happiness chemical hacks needed to boost mood.”

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“Small talk acts as a low-pressure way to engage with others, which can help regulate the nervous system and make social interaction feel easier over time,” Tenzer added. “Not every conversation needs to be deep to have value. It’s nice to force yourself to slow down, take a minute to chit-chat, be in the moment, and stay present. It’s not a huge time commitment and often has lasting benefits throughout the day.”

“Predictable, consistent, and not threatening”

Lisa Chen, a licensed psychotherapist, concurred, telling Upworthy that these types of conversations can help put people at ease, even if they might not expect it.

“As a psychotherapist who works with high-achieving, often socially guarded clients, I see how ‘low-stakes’ interactions create a sense of safety in the body,” she said. “Even brief exchanges like saying ‘hello’ to the barista making your coffee or making casual conversation at work help remind our nervous system that the world is predictable, consistent, and not threatening.”

Chen says small talk can help lower anxiety.

“It lowers social anxiety over time, builds relational confidence, and gently reinforces that we belong in shared spaces,” she said. “But small talk isn’t just for those who struggle with social anxiety. It’s for everyone. Small talk strengthens our sense of belonging, improves our mood, and keeps us from becoming too transactional or isolated from others. It also softens intensity and creates moments of ease that prevent stress and burnout.”

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Photo credit: Canva – Every team needs a clown.

People Skills, Science

Want a team that performs well under pressure? Include a ‘clown,’ says NASA.

Humor is an underrated team-building quality.

Annie Reneau

4/15/2026

We know that collectively performing under pressure requires some special qualities, but what are they? That’s the question NASA seeks to answer as it looks ahead to sending humans to Mars. When it comes to team dynamics, a small crew on a 10-day stint around the moon is one thing. A team stuck on a spaceship for months and living together on a planet two million miles from home is another.

NASA’s Human Research Program studies human behavior in teams to analyze the implications of long-duration space missions. After observing team dynamics and roles in groups in various studies, one delightful conclusion can be drawn.

Every team needs a clown.

NASA ran a study on a potential trip to Mars and found the most important trait for team dynamics was humor pic.twitter.com/tB3gQlKZPL
— Trung Phan (@TrungTPhan) April 13, 2026

According to NASA, astronauts have returned from stints on the International Space Station and reported that humor played a critical role in diffusing tension between people working on the I.S.S. The same finding has come from research studies in analog environments. (Analogs are places like Antarctica, where the desolate and extreme environment somewhat mimics a place like Mars.)

“You need a clown on the team,” said Noshir Contractor, Ph.D., professor of behavioral sciences at Northwestern University. In other words, you need someone who can make their teammates laugh.

Contractor is conducting a study titled Crew Recommender for Effective Work in Space (CREWS). Using research data from an analog study, her team is developing a computer model to help select the best individuals to form a crew.

“We don’t have a perception that we’re going to tell them who to send on a mission,” Contractor said, according to NASA. “But if they have a collection of people, it will work like a weather forecast model. It’s a predictive model that says if you choose this particular crew, here is what you are likely to see in terms of team dynamics. And, if problems arise, here is how to intervene to ease those problems.”

Easing problems is one place where the clown plays an important role. Research shows that positive humor can increase communication and social support and create a pleasant environment. Most of us have experienced how a well-timed joke or witty response can stop tension in its tracks.

Tension often manifests physically. We feel it in our bodies when emotional stress is high. According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter can stimulate circulation and help muscles relax, easing some of the physical symptoms of stress. Laughter also releases endorphins that make us feel good and promote social bonding.

What about teams that aren’t in as extreme circumstances as going on a mission to Mars or wintering in Antarctica? Dr. Adil Dalal of the Forbes Coaches Council says humor has a “transformative power” that unlocks the ability to do serious work well in the professional world.

Photo credit: Canva – Laughing with your colleagues may help improve team performance.

“When we laugh, cortisol, the stress hormone that can narrow thinking and trigger defensive behavior, drops significantly,” writes Dalal. “Laughter also causes the release of dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins, which are associated with motivation and learning. In the workplace, this means that laughter can encourage new behaviors and insights. It can also strengthen trust, which is essential for psychological safety and sustained high performance among employees.”

So if you’re leading a team or part of a team that appears to be struggling, perhaps some clowning around is in order. As Dr. Dalal writes, “Fun is not the opposite of seriousness—it is the pathway to sustainable excellence.”

If NASA touts the vital role humor plays in teamwork and success, perhaps we all ought to give it a little more weight in our own teams.

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Photo credit: Canva – A group of people in the midst of a lively debate

People Skills, Science

Expert shares the 1 sentence that can instantly stop an argument from boiling over

The trick is that you have to really mean it.

Tod Perry

Upworthy Staff

4/8/2026

We live in an age of conflict. Sharp political and social divides are everywhere, and while it’s easy to theoretically write off people who disagree with us on fundamental core issues and values, the reality is that we often must co-exist with them and learn to manage our conflicts in a healthy way. Sometimes that means putting aside our differences and “agreeing to disagree.” Something it means hashing them out.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.

Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict. Not surprisingly, she’s in high demand on news programs, conferences, and media summits these days.

How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”

It shows genuine curiosity in their point of view. That’s critical to avoid someone shutting down on you.

Two men shake hands while a woman looks on. Photo credit: Canva

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Look out for signs of defensiveness like blaming, criticizing, making excuses, or being passive-aggressive. These are warning signals that your conversation is veering off the rails.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”

Two men high-fiving one another. Photo credit: Canva

What’s the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing professor Matthew Fisher at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

The key words are “willing” and “genuine.” These phrases aren’t magic bullets designed to help you level your opponents. You have to actually, truly be willing to learn about their perspective and be open to changing your mind.

@danbharris
Let me know in the comments if this data rings true to you and your experience of conflict. And check out danharris.com for more from Amanda Ripley including what she has to say about “conflict entrepreneurs,”people who inflame turmoil to benefit themselves. #conflict #healthyconflict #communication #tenpercenthappier #10percenthappier
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Another common tip that usually comes from the world of couple’s counseling is to stop seeing the other person as your adversary. If you can imagine the two of you on the same team versus the problem, your conversations will be more productive.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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