Are you the type of person whose knee-jerk reaction to any uncomfortable moment is to apologize? Someone bumps into you on the train. “Sorry, I was in your way.” You give someone a gift. “Sorry if it doesn’t fit perfectly.” You cook dinner for the family. “Sorry if the meal is a bit late.”
The constant apologizing, especially when you did nothing wrong, may come from a good place, but it can appear to be a symptom of a bigger problem. Over-apologizers appear to lack confidence and are constantly seeking reassurance. Worse, because they’re always calling attention to their own mistakes, they may appear to be incompetent.
What to say instead of “I’m sorry”
Melody Wilding, LMSW, says the key is to replace shame with gratitude. Instead of putting yourself down, thank others for accommodating you (if you did do something that genuinely inconvenienced them). Wilding is a professor of human behavior at Hunter College, an executive coach, a licensed social worker, and the author of Trust Yourself.
“Saying ‘Thank you, let’s begin.’ is a more substantial way to acknowledge that your colleagues waited for you, for example,” Wilding writes at Psychology Today. “Emailing someone back to thank them for their helpful reminder or patience also feels much better than profusely apologizing for not getting back to them sooner.”
Instead of: “Sorry for being late.”
Say: “Thank you for your patience.”
Instead of: “Sorry, my house isn’t clean.”
Say: “Thank you for accepting our family as we are.”
Instead of: “Sorry for hearing me go on and on.”
Say: “Thank you for listening.”
Another good term to use in an uncomfortable situation is “pardon me” or “excuse me” for slight inconveniences, such as when you’re walking in front of people at a movie theater or have to get by with a shopping cart in a tight aisle at the grocery store. Switching “excuse me” for “I’m sorry” also helps stop the apology habit.
When to apologize and when not to
The big takeaway is that you should only have to apologize if you did something wrong and need to make amends. When people apologize all the time, their words start to lose their meaning. If you’re always sorry, then you’re never sorry. It also makes others feel like they can’t express themselves because you’ve already stolen their window of opportunity by saying sorry before anyone could share their feelings.
For the people-pleasers out there who overuse “sorry” just to keep others happy, research shows that people prefer to be thanked rather than to be apologized to. A 2019 study found that when it comes to a customer service issue, people are 15% more satisfied when their expectations aren’t met if they’re told “thank you for understanding” rather than “we apologize.”
The difference is that when we apologize, we accept responsibility while making the situation about us. But a “thank you” highlights the other person’s good character while still implying we were at fault. Simply put, they feel better about themselves, instead of worse about us.
