The funny thing about social intelligence is that it’s a major factor in how successful we are in relationships, careers, and managing our mental health. We shape children’s behavior to follow social norms, but most parents don’t teach them how to make small talk, handle rude people, or how long to hold eye contact.
Many assume these communication habits are innate, but people with great communication and interpersonal skills aren’t just born that way; they often hone their skills like an athlete or musician. The good news is that almost anyone can improve their communication skills with a little practice.
Recently, a Redditor asked people on the Answers forum to share the tricks they use in social situations. “What is a social ‘cheat code’ that completely changes how people treat you?” they asked, and they received nearly 1,000 responses; many shared good advice on handling rude people or improving their likability.
Here are 15 of the best social ‘cheat codes’ in the thread.
1. Let them think they’re smart
“People are easier to manipulate if you let them believe that they’re smarter than you.”
“Ahh, yes, the Columbo Method.”
2. Lose weight
“The difference in how people treat you when you’re thin vs fat is astounding. When I first lost weight around 22, it caused me a lot of anger & resentment because of the huge difference in attitudes & attraction people suddenly had towards me. When I got older & put weight back on, I also noticed how I slowly became invisible again & people treated it like an inconvenience if they had to interact with me.”
“Can confirm this to be true. I accidentally lost two stone and had an INSANE time for like six months being skinny as sh*t. People treated me very differently, men and women. Men were suddenly very interested in me. The number of compliments I got was baffling. My sex life was on fire for a year.”
3. Be polite
“I would add that politeness delivered in an assured and confident manner is far more powerful than a weak one, the latter comes across more as insecurity and submissive.”
4. Don’t trash talk
“Seriously. No matter how much you dislike someone, there’s zero value to be gained speaking ill of others. Just avoid them if you don’t like them. But trash talking always gets back to people and invites nothing else other than problems.”
Experts agree that when people gossip or talk trash about others behind their back, it reflects poorly on them. A study in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that gossipers are seen as less powerful and those who spread more negative gossip than positive are less likable. Another study from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that people are less likely to go to gossipers for advice because they don’t trust them with their problems.
5. Be interested, not interesting
“Be genuinely interested in other people rather than trying to convince other people to be interested in you. People are constantly looking for excuses to talk about themselves. Let them. They love it.”
“I get so much mileage from this at work, and coworkers are continually puzzled why my rapport with other teams is so good. They don’t notice I’m asking about if the kids have gotten over the flu, about the boardgames I saw behind them on video, ask what their favorite part of their vacation was. I know everybody’s hobbies, I put operation dates in my calendar, and so on.”
This was one of Dale Carnegie’s core teachings in the communications classic, How to Win Friends & Influence People. Carnegie said, “To be interesting, be interested,” meaning that there is no greater gift you can give someone than your interest and attention. People love talking about themselves, so if you ask people great follow-up questions, they will like you more than if you wowed them with your great stories and wit.
6. When they’re rude, be nice
“Ask gentle questions to rude remarks. ‘What did you mean by that?’ Asked earnestly.”
“I do exactly that. It’s actually fun to see what the reaction will be. People are so caught off guard.”
7. Be pleased to see them
“Appear to be genuinely, honestly, pleased to see them. Don’t be fake and effusive about it. Don’t act like you would if you were unexpectedly seeing a good friend you haven’t seen in months; act like you would upon seeing a good friend you saw yesterday and knew you’d see today. Just glad they’re here.”
“Act like you would upon seeing a good friend you saw yesterday and knew you’d see today. Just glad they’re here.”
8. Give genuine compliments
“People will like you if you make them feel good about themselves. Look for opportunities to give genuine compliments and build other people up.”
“I’m in and out of offices all day for work and if I’m having a bum day, I’ll compliment someone else. ‘I like your sweater’ ‘that whatever looks great’ ‘oh you got a new blank, it’s awesome!’ Totally benign things, really. I’m not lying when I say I like their stuff or whatever, but I can tell it makes them feel good and that brightens my mood.”
9. Get a dog
“Get a dog. In the UK at least it feels like a cheat code to social engagement.”
“So much. It’s like a secret club just opens up and beckons you in, isn’t it?”
10. Respect everyone
“Treat everyone you meet as a respected equal. Respect should not be ‘earned’. It should be the default and only ‘lost’, not gained.”
“You’ll be surprised how much people in positions that gets shat on really appreciate this. I can speak from both sides of the equation. Where there is a structural power imbalance where someone does need to be nice but does anyway, it makes a big difference.”
11. Dress nicely
“I think that looking dressed-up and stylish is the biggest cheat code. I think people treat you better and assume you are smarter if you look well-coiffed.”
“Doesn’t have to be mainstream fashion either. This works for subcultures as well.”
12. Wear a beanie
“If you work customer service and wear a beanie people will act way more goofy and human and real with you. It’s just a correlation I’ve noticed.”
“Wow good call, never thought. Any hat that’s not a ball cap would have me drop my guard I think.”
13. Notice their eye color
“I have a really hard time with eye contact. When talking to strangers at work (retail), I try to notice what color each person’s eyes are. It makes a huge difference in how they respond and treat me.”
If you’re uncomfortable making contact, another popular technique is the “Triangle Method.” After making eye contact, slowly move your gaze to their eyebrows (in a professional setting), or their nose (in a social setting). This makes it look as though you’re maintaining eye contact, when in reality, you’re taking a break from time to time.
14. Ask for a favor
“Ask for a small favor. Thank them effusively. Express gratitude one more time either in the next conversation or in front of another person. You have made them feel amazing about themselves for being nice to you. You now have a friend for life.”
15. Take responsibility
“Actually taking responsibility for your actions, mistakes, successes. This includes your reactions and responses to those situations, statements and people which might offend you. This is an incredibly empowering practice in life. It takes a lot of work and of introspection, but is so worth it, confidence goes up and people tend to respect your honesty and humility.”
