One of the most popular psychological terms that’s come out of the social media (mainly TikTok and Instagram) self-improvement boom, is “gaslighting.” Gaslighters, who are often narcissistic, manipulate people into doubting reality, often to avoid responsibility or maintain control over a person or situation.
A tactic that many manipulators and narcissists use to avoid taking responsibility for their misbehavior is known as “DARVO,” which stands for “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.” It’s a way for the perpetrators to take the criticism leveled at them and throw it back at the person they’ve offended. It often leaves the victim feeling confused or guilty about their accusation.
The term “DARVO” was first introduced by Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, in 1997. On the Disabuse podcast, she shared that she created the concept after observing what happened in her life when she tried to confront “wrongdoings.” She also saw the tactic being used frequently during the 1991 Congressional hearings regarding the confirmation of Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court.
What does DARVO stand for?
D — The perpetrator DENIES they did anything wrong or minimizes their actions.
A — After denying their actions, they ATTACK the victim’s behaviors to discredit them.
REVERSE
VICTIM and
OFFENDER — In the final stage, the perpetrator will attempt to shift the attention from their behavior to that of the victim to make it look like they’ve been wronged to preserve their self-image.
Here’s a very simple example of DARVO in action:
Victim: “You shouldn’t have told our son to ‘shut up’ at dinner tonight.”
Perpetrator: “I didn’t say that. I told him to be quiet.”
Victim: “I was there; you said, ‘Shut up, Johnny!’”
Perpetrator: “Maybe if you were a better parent, he wouldn’t have to be corrected. You never speak up, and that means I always have to be the bad guy. If you cared so much about our son, you’d stand up to him.”
In this scenario, the perpetrator refuses to take responsibility for their actions and then turns the situation into a referendum on the victim, who did nothing wrong. When these interactions become common, the victim can experience feelings of guilt and confusion. It can even push them into silence for fear of being attacked. The problem is that narcissists are incapable of accepting the responsibility that’s needed to change, so they rarely do.
“What we often get wrong if you’re a very compliant and sweet, kind person is that you think, ‘Oh, I’ll just get better about what it is that they mentioned.’ We think it will just go away because we did what they asked. But people who use DARVO, it never gets better. They just find a new thing to attack you around,” Kerry McAvoy, PhD, said in a TikTok post. “Because the point is, it’s not about trying to find conflict resolution. The point actually is to avoid responsibility.”
How to respond when people use DARVO against you
Darren F. Magee, a U.K. psychotherapist, says the best way to respond to DARVO is to show them that it doesn’t work. “But if you do have to engage, for example, you have to point out their behavior, then you state your case. You be brief, factual, to the point. You don’t necessarily give an explanation,” Magee wrote on his Sentient Counseling website. “Now if you said what you need to say, you don’t necessarily have to go any further. You can disengage from there. But if you do have to continue, then it’s the same thing. You’re brief, factual, and to the point, using your customer care tone of voice. Try to stay focused on the issue at hand regardless of what they come back with.”
“Remember it’s not about winning, it’s just about showing them that DARVO doesn’t work,” Magee continues. “You’ve made your point. You set your boundary whether they accept it or not.”
People who use DARVO to deflect from their shortcomings have swallowed a very poisonous pill that prevents them from taking accountability, which is the first step in changing their ways. Now, when you see it, you can see that the narcissist in your life probably isn’t going to change because they are employing tactics that prevent them from looking at themselves in the first place.
