The key to finding happiness has been widely researched. The data on happiness suggest that it comes down to our connections with others.
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, explained that her research has identified one key factor in happiness—and it comes down to conversation and deeper connection with others.
During a TEDNext 2025 presentation, Lyubomirsky explained that she has been a happiness researcher for more than 30 years. In her lab, she has conducted experiments on “happiness interventions” since 1998.
These “interventions” include exercises such as writing letters of gratitude, performing acts of kindness, and “acting” extroverted—all of which led people to feel happier. Her research suggests these activities increase happiness because “they help us feel more connected to and loved by others.”
How to connect with others
Lyubomirsky’s next challenge was to determine how humans can connect most with one another. From touch to dance to eye contact, she noted that these are all valid ways people connect.
But in Western culture, connection often happens through conversation. Still, simply talking with others doesn’t always lead to connection because of the “walls around us.”
“We build those walls to protect ourselves, yet they also keep us from ever letting anyone in,” said Lyubomirsky. “They keep us from becoming truly known.”
To feel more loved, you have to be more known—which means taking down those walls when talking with others.
The 3-step conversation formula
Connecting more deeply with others starts with approaching conversations differently, according to Lyubomirsky. She offers a three-step formula to follow:
Step 1: Share from the heart
“You take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself, not just your highlight reel,” said Lyubomirsky.
The goal is to share deeply and be brave enough to let others see the real you. To do so, she encourages people to pace themselves and start small.
“Don’t immediately share your deepest secret or trauma,” she explained. “If you go deep too fast, everyone’s walls will come right back up again.”
Instead, say something honest—something like, “I’ve had a rough day,” instead of “I’m fine,” she said.
Step 2: Help others lower their walls
This is achieved by listening to learn, not to respond.
“Quiet your voice so theirs can be heard,” explained Lyubomirsky.
To do this, she encourages people to listen as if there’s going to be a quiz tomorrow on what the other person shares.
Step 3: Ask one more question than you usually do
This final step helps build deeper connection. For example, she suggests asking the person you’re speaking with, “How did that really feel?” Such questions signal that you’re right there with them, Lyubomirsky said.
She added, “When was the last time someone asked you a real question about your life? It’s rare. Yet research shows people yearned to be asked, and those who ask questions are better liked.”
Her final note is to keep in mind that sharing and listening go hand in hand. “If you only share, it’s a monologue. If you only listen, it’s an interview,” Lyubomirsky said. “But when you do both, that’s when the magic happens.”
