When kids are upset, parents can easily get flustered and frustrated, too. When looking for a quick way to soothe or settle their kids, one of the most common phrases out of a parent’s mouth is “Calm down.”
Most parents say it from a place of love, assuming their kids will hear them and respond accordingly. But that rarely works.
Instead, a simple six-word phrase may defuse the situation. A pediatric occupational therapist and a child psychologist explain why.
Why ‘calm down’ doesn’t work
The main reason telling kids to “Calm down” doesn’t work is that they don’t fully understand how to regulate their emotions.
“When a child is melting down, it’s not because they don’t want to be calm. It’s because they can’t get there on their own yet,” Samantha Stiles, MS, OTR/L, a pediatric occupational therapist and founder of Empower Kids Therapy in Orlando, Florida, told Upworthy. “In that moment, their nervous system is in survival mode, and the thinking, reasoning part of their brain is offline.”
Stiles adds that when parents say “Calm down,” they’re asking kids to use a skill they can’t reach at that moment. “Kids often hear it as ‘You’re in trouble’ or ‘Your feelings are too much,’ and that makes them feel even more alone in a moment when they need us most,” she continues.
Dr. Carla Allan, PhD, a child psychologist and Division Chief of Psychology at Phoenix Children’s, tells Upworthy that “Calm down” is a command that is hard to follow.
“Commands are hard to follow at any age when you’re overwhelmed by emotion or feeling misunderstood. It’s also unspecific. A stressed-out brain does not know which steps to take to arrive at ‘calm,’” notes Dr. Allan.
And it’s not just the phrase “Calm down” that can be unhelpful; the delivery matters too.
“We should focus instead on the one thing we can control as adults: ourselves,” Dr. Allan adds. “When our bodies are relaxed and our voice is calm, we model the exact skills we want our kids to develop.”
The 6-word phrase to use instead
Parents should try replacing “Calm down” with this more helpful phrase: “I see how upset you are.”
“When we name our emotions, we can help tame them,” says Dr. Allan. “To feel understood and accepted in that moment, even when you may not agree with your child’s perspective, shows them you love them unconditionally.”
This puts kids at ease.
“When they feel seen instead of corrected, their body gets the message that they’re safe, and safety is what lets their nervous system settle,” says Stiles. “You’re meeting them where they are instead of asking them to meet you where you want them to be. That connection is what opens the door to calm.”
From there, giving yourself and your child space to process may be the best next step.
“Sometimes the most effective approach is connection followed by a bit of space. After naming the emotion, saying, ‘I’m going to give you space to breathe, and I’ll be right here when you’re ready’ helps kids learn to calm themselves for all the times you’re not around, like at school.”
