The number of life lessons one can glean from Ted Lasso is quite impressive, as fans can attest. The famously feel-good series, known for its heart and humor, offers a hefty helping of psycho-emotional wisdom wrapped in a humble, folksy package.
The popular YouTube channel Charisma on Demand has compiled and packaged some of that wisdom in a video about how to handle disrespect. Most of us will, at some point, find ourselves on the receiving end of judgment, rudeness, passive-aggressive attacks, or other forms of disrespect. As Dr. Nina Ahuja writes in Psychology Today, disrespect can change us, affecting our willingness to speak up, our self-image, and our ability to recognize its impact over time.
But with some conscious strategies, we can avoid letting disrespect derail us and even become “immune” to it.
Charisma on Demand shared six ways to wisely handle disrespect, with examples from Ted Lasso (which you can watch in the video above):
Remember disrespect isn’t about you
Even though it can feel very personal, someone’s disrespect has nothing to do with you.
“Sometimes it can be the other person’s insecurity or their fear, and sometimes it’s their need to feel superior,” the video states. “For many people, they’ve been using these defense mechanisms for so long that it’s simply just become a habit. Whatever the reason, it’s always coming from them, not you.”
You aren’t responsible for the way someone else behaves, and what they do or say broadcasts something about them, not you.
It’s easy to internalize anything that feels critical or negative toward us and start wondering what we need to change about ourselves. “Sometimes we become so convinced that we’re the ones to blame that we see disrespect where it wasn’t even intended,” the video points out.
Assume positive intent
“Sometimes it’s not obvious whether a comment is meant as an insult or if it’s just bad phrasing,” the video says. Either way, you can defuse a disrespectful statement by reacting as if the person had the best intentions.
Ted’s character is a master at this. No matter what barbs other characters throw at him, he always responds as if their comments were neutral at worst.
However, there is a note of caution:
“If insulting or passive-aggressive behavior persists, you can’t just keep assuming positive intent. If you keep pretending that you don’t see repeated disrespect, you end up being walked over. So assume positive intent once and then respond non-defensively.”
People love to see a clapback, but as Charisma on Command points out, those kinds of zingers rarely work.
Practice the art of non-defensive response
The first step is simply to pause before responding.
“Pausing for 5 to 7 seconds will give you a moment to breathe, which allows you to find the best response instead of just being reactive,” the video explains. “It’ll also force that person to sit with the comment they just made. And when they don’t get an immediate reaction from you, the silence can become very uncomfortable for them.” They may even walk back their comment after they’ve sat with it for a moment.
Another non-defensive response is to go in the opposite direction and offer the person a compliment.
“Now, this can sound counterintuitive, but complimenting someone who is disrespecting you can break that combative frame. It’s easy to fight with someone who is fighting back. It is much harder to fight with someone who is saying positive things about you.”
Watch Ted do just that:
Just make sure you find something genuinely complimentary to say, as forced praise can come across as either passive-aggressive or people-pleasing, which won’t help you.
Set boundaries and enforce them
Sometimes you need to draw a line and make sure someone doesn’t cross it without consequences. In fact, setting and keeping a boundary can help prevent a situation from escalating.
“A strong boundary should be one clear sentence that focuses on what you are going to do if someone else persists or does something,” the video explains. “So, you might say, ‘If you keep making jokes about my appearance, I’m going to leave.’ Now, if the disrespect continues, there is no shame in walking away. And if you are repeatedly assuming positive intent, responding non-defensively, setting boundaries, and they’re still being disrespectful, the best thing that you can do is to remove yourself from that situation.”
But always return to the first tip and remember: disrespect isn’t about you. If that’s true, what’s at the bottom of it?
Get curious
One of the greatest scenes in Ted Lasso is when Ted gives a little speech while playing darts with the show’s biggest antagonist, Rupert. He shares that the quote, “Be curious, not judgmental,” helped him realize every bully who’d ever underestimated him had lacked curiosity. Then he hit bullseyes on every shot, pointing out that Rupert hadn’t even asked if he’d played darts before challenging him to a contest.
“Genuine curiosity is disarming,” the video points out. “Disrespectful people expect reaction or debate, not curiosity and connection. So, ask open questions. Try to understand their point of view, even if you don’t think you’ll agree with them…If you ask the right questions, you can uncover the source of their disrespect. Sometimes they’re lashing out simply because they’re having a bad day. Other times, there’s something deeper going on. So, once you’ve asked that open question, give them space to answer without interrupting.”
Gaining a greater understanding of where they’re coming from can help you respond more to the person than to the behavior.
Step in when someone else is being disrespected
This last tip for dealing with disrespect is actually a way to gain respect. It’s one thing to handle disrespect when it’s aimed at you. However, if you’re witnessing someone else being disrespected, even someone disrespecting themselves, you need a more direct response.
Even non-confrontational Ted stepped in when Rupert said something disrespectful to his ex-wife (and Ted’s boss and friend) at the bar. “Hey!” he interjected. “Better manners when I’m holding a dart. Please.”
“This is what it looks like to be truly immune to disrespect,” the video says. “You’re not just unaffected by it. You’re strong enough to defend others from it, too. That is how you become the person that people genuinely respect.”
Thank you, Ted Lasso and Charisma on Demand, for the valuable lessons.
You can follow Charisma on Command for more tips like this.
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